Friday, 27 October 2017

A Little Bit Of Humour # 161

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 395

Saturday's child
Works hard for its living,
(So clearly not a benefit scrounger)

ARE YOU WEARING RED? # 2

Are you wearing red?
To signify the party you’re in
Well done, congratulations
You made a decision Mr Corbyn

THE MOST DEPRESSING THING ABOUT TENNIS

The most depressing thing about Tennis
Is that no matter how well I hit the ball
And how much time I spend practising,
I'm never going to be as good as the wall

MY WIFE AND I ALWAYS COMPROMISE

My wife and I always compromise
That’s the secret to being happy
Our compromise is, that I admit
I'm wrong and she agrees with me

ONE DAY A COMPUTER

One day a computer
Actually beat me at chess,
I didn’t take it well,
I was a total mess
So we had a rematch
To go tit for tat
But he was no match for me
With a baseball bat

TIMES ARE BAD AND GETTING WORSE

Times are bad and getting worse
And I’m shocked at the severity
As the light at the end of the tunnel
Has been turned off due to austerity

EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON

Everything happens for a reason,
Is the generally accepted view
Unfortunately you must admit
That sometimes the reason is you

BLACK WIDOW SPIDERS KILL THEIR MALES

Black Widow spiders kill their males
After mating, before the afterglow starts
And the reason for that is quite simple
It’s to stop the snoring before it starts

EYES BIGGER THAN MY BELLY

Eyes bigger than my belly
Especially for cake and jelly
My appetite no one could stifle
After I got an eye full of trifle

I HAD A “GRUMPY OLD MAN” MUG

I had a “grumpy old man” mug
And my grandchildren got it
But I turned into a “Grumpy old man”
When I accidentally smashed it

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 396

The child that's born on the Sabbath day
Is bonny and blithe, and good and gay
(my wife is Sundays child, so I would have to dissagree)

ARE YOU WEARING SHAMROCK?

Are you wearing shamrock?
And Patrick is patron saint, but why?
Did he drive the snakes out of Ireland?
Or did he just have a great PR guy?

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 386

Harlequin ladybird, fly away home
Your kind are not welcome here
So get your Harlequin spotted arse
Back to where you belong in Asia

ARE YOU WEARING CLAM DIGGERS?

Are you wearing clam diggers?
How very beachcomber of you
However inappropriate, given
The fact seafood makes you spew

ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 5

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Contrary to the rumour, are not dead
But are doing an Elizabethan tribute act
At the Edinburgh Fringe instead

A Little Bit Of Humour # 160

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 394

Friday's child
Is loving and giving,
(Especially on a Friday night when they’re pissed)

ARE YOU WEARING PINK? # 2

Are you wearing a Pink?
Oh I understand that wink
My pretty little Barbie girl
As you give me a twirl
What you’re intimating I think
Is that everything is pink
And it’s an image to bewitch
When you hint at every stitch

THE MOST PERFECT SUMMER DRINK # 2

The most perfect drink
To quench a thirst, for me
On a hot summers day
Is a perfect cup of tea

I NEED YOU TO DELETE ME FROM YOUR ADDRESS BOOK

“I need you to delete me from your address book”
My ex-girlfriend emailed me to express
I pondered for some time before I replied
“Who is this? And how did you get this address?”

MY SISTER IS A SOPHISTICATE

My sister is a sophisticate
And has travelled far away
She’s been to a Taj Mahal
That isn’t an Indian takeaway

I LOVE FRIDAY, IT’S A SPECIAL DAY

I love Friday, it’s a special day
But nothing ruins that Friday feeling
Quite as much as the realisation
That it’s still actually Thursday

MONEY TALKS IS THE SAYING

“Money talks” is the saying
I’m not quite sure why
If my money could talk
It would only ever say good-bye

THE OLD SAYING GOES

The old saying goes
“If you can't beat them, join them”
But a rethink is called for,
“If you can't beat them”,
Rather than joining them
You should “beat them”,
Because they will be expecting
You to “join them”,
As a result you will take them
Completely by surprise

WOMEN MIGHT BE ABLE TO FAKE ORGASMS

Women might be able to fake orgasms
It’s due to how Mother Nature equip
Although men aren’t born with that ability
But they can fake a whole relationship

MY SISTER SAYS THEY ARE BOTHERED BY A RACCOON

My sister says they are bothered by a Raccoon
Who boldly take things off their veranda
It’s very brazen, and is one of nature’s scroungers
Although she calls it their garbage Panda

I FLEW ON AN INFAMOUS BUDGET AIRLINE

I flew on an infamous budget airline
Who charged for every single item
Except for the bad service, that was free,
Which was very generous of them

GOD BLESSED US WITH THE BRAIN

God blessed us with the brain
To solve very complex problems
However human nature means
Using it creates more problems

I DISCOVERED WHEN WE WERE ON HOLIDAY

I discovered when we were on holiday
That my girlfriend screams the same way
Whether a shark might render her caput
Or a piece of dead seaweed touches her foot

MY GRANDMA TOLD ME HER JOINTS TROUBLE HER

My grandma told me her joints trouble her
And elaborated, saying they are getting weaker
I said I had a way to make her life brighter
If she was just to roll her spliffs a bit tighter

WHEN I TAKE THE TIME TO PONDER MY SITUATION

When I take the time to ponder my situation
I consider myself to lead a very lucky life,
Because the fine cognac that I drink is older
Than the woman I’m happy to call my wife

A Little Bit Of Humour # 159

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 393

Thursday's child
Has far to go,
(Well I hope they’re not travelling on Southern Rail)

ARE YOU WEARING PINK? # 1

Are you wearing a Pink?
And are dressed as a ballet dancer
Well, all credit to you man
Standing up to breast Cancer

I ALWAYS FIGURED THAT MICHAEL’S FAMILY TREE

I always figured that Michael’s family tree
Must have been from the cactus family
Because I’ve met the relatives of Mick
And everyone on his family tree is a prick

MONEY IS NOT THE KEY TO HAPPINESS

“Money is not the key to happiness”
That’s what they always say, but
Of course if you have enough money,
You can have your own key cut

I JUST HEARD THAT THE SEXY GIRL

I just heard that the sexy girl
From Goldfinger, Pussy Galore
Changed her name for the film
She was Fanny Aplenty before

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS BEING EXPLORED

Artificial Intelligence is being explored
By science, despite its inadvisability
But then education and inquisitiveness
Are no defence against natural stupidity

AMIDST THE TERRIBLE TRAGEDY SADIQ

Amidst the terrible tragedy
Sadiq smiled, to his eternal shame
But the reason for that was
That he had found someone to blame

APRIL SHOWERS BRING

April showers bring
May flowers it seems
But then May flowers
Only bring Pilgrims

THE WI-FI STOPPED WORKING

The Wi-Fi stopped working
As the family ate their stew
And a teenager began talking
The father said “Who are you?”

IF HELEN WAS THE FACE

If Helen was the face
That launched a thousand ships
Then Paris was the dick
Who caused Troy’s apocalypse

I THINK IT’S PROBABLY A MYTH

I think it’s probably a myth
Regarding multitasking women
Like the Loch Ness Monster or
Shy retiring used car salesmen

THE MOST PERFECT SUMMER DRINK # 1

The most perfect drink
To quench a thirst, without fail
On a hot summers day
Is a cool glass of ginger ale

WHILE EAVES DROPPING IN THE VESTRY

While eaves dropping in the vestry
I heard mention of a blasphemy palaver
Or so I thought, but it turned out
That the vicar said raspberry pavlova

I AM NOT A HOUSE PROUD MAN

I am not a house proud man
By any means or measure
I find it too much of a chore
I am more a man of leisure
So for me a clean flat is
The sign of a broken computer

I USED TO BE INDECISIVE

I used to be indecisive
At least I thought so
But I am now quite sure
That I don’t actually know

I MET MY PROSPECTIVE FATHER IN LAW AT THE WEEKEND

I met my prospective father in law at the weekend
And he seemed quite normal when I saw him
So I was quite pleased until my girlfriend said
“Everyone seems normal until you get to know them”

A Little Bit Of Humour # 158

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 392

Wednesday's child
Is full of woe,
(And that’s what you get for
drinking on a school night)

ARE YOU WEARING KNICKERBOCKERS?

Are you wearing Knickerbockers?
Well listen, I don’t mean to flummox
But it looks like the Knickerbockers
Have fallen out with your socks

MY SON TOLD ME HE PLAYED IN A BAND

My son told me he played in a band
And I’m afraid I did have to mock
Because they are called the Pilgrims
So I asked if they played Plymouth Rock

I LOVE MY PETER PAN JOKE

I love my Peter Pan joke
It’s the funniest I’ve told
And I tell it over and over
And it never gets old

PETER PAN GOT HIS NAME

Peter Pan got his name
Not by design or plan
It was after he got hit
In the peter with a pan

I HAD TO BUY TROUSER SHORTS

I had to buy trouser shorts
Which were easy to find
The ones with Velcro on
The detectable leg kind
Expensive though, so the term
“Rip off” comes to mind

THERE ARE THREE THINGS FOR WHICH

There are three things for which
Witnesses are required for
Criminal acts, accidents and
Marriages, so need I say more?

I NEED TO START PAYING CLOSER ATTENTION

I need to start paying closer attention
To things, every detail of this and that
Because I found out today that my wife
And I, have different names for our cat

WHY IS IT THAT EVERYTHING I LOVE

Why is it that everything I love
Is either unhealthy, addictive
Or has taken out more than one
Restraining order against me

AS A BOY I ASKED GOD FOR A BIKE ONE DAY

As a boy I asked God for a bike one day,
But I knew God didn’t work that way
So I decided to steal a bike and then
I asked God for forgiveness instead

I'M REALLY GOOD AT DOING THINGS

I'm really good at doing things
Practical and skilful things,
Hands on artisan type things
Until I have people watching

I BOUGHT A VACUUM CLEANER SIX MONTHS AGO

I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago
And a top of the range model was a must
But I have to say it hasn’t earned its keep as yet
As so far all it's been doing is gathering dust

IMAGINE BEING FIVE MINUTES FROM THE END

Imagine being five minutes from the end
Of the longest movie ever made and then
It starts over because it forgot something
Well that's my wife’s way of story telling

MARRIAGE IS ALL ABOUT COMPROMISE

Marriage is all about compromise
For example my wife wanted a cat
I on the other hand did not want one
So we compromised and got a cat

THE END OF THE WORLD IS NOT A JOKE

The end of the world is not a joke
In fact it’s a source of great sorrow
But people still tell end of the world
Jokes like there is no tomorrow

WHAT MAKES PHILANDERERS CHASE WOMEN

What makes philanderers chase women
They have no intention of marrying?
Clearly the same urge that makes canines
Chase cars they have no intention of driving

A Little Bit Of Humour # 157

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 391

Tuesday's child
Is full of grace,
(Well it’s not that lump of a boy next door then)

ARE YOU WEARING KNICKERS?

Are you wearing Knickers?
Sorry I can’t hide my snickers
But beggars can’t be pickers
And I expect better from Vicars

THE EASTER EGG DIDN’T CROSS THE ROAD

The Easter Egg didn’t cross the road
And the reason for that I bet
Is quite simple and can only be
Because he wasn't a chicken yet

ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 10

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Contrary to the rumour did not peg it
After they stole the theatre takings
They were recognised and had to leg it

THE ROYAL AND ANCIENT AND A SAINT

I know little about St Andrew
Other than a shared name
With a famous Golf course
So he must have liked a game

IT'S NOT THAT I CAN’T JUGGLE

It's not that I can’t juggle,
That’s not the struggle
It’s just that I have to admit
I don’t have the balls for it

I WAS ASKED WHO I WANTED

I was asked who I wanted
My emergency contact to be
It took me only seconds to reply
“A good doctor obviously”

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 400

Peter, Peter, pumpkin-eater,
Had a wife and couldn't keep
It was doomed from the start
As pumpkin made him fart

NOW I’M NEITHER FOR OR AGAINST BUT

Now I’m neither for or against but
Four million, three hundred and seven
People got married last year,
But shouldn't that number be even?

AS I LEFT THE STORE EMPTY HANDED

As I left the store empty handed
There was an awkward moment
When I said repeatedly to myself
“Just act natural, you're innocent”.

I WANT TO DIE PEACEFULLY IN MY SLEEP

I want to die peacefully in my sleep,
Like Dad, peacefully without a fuss
And not screaming and yelling
Like the passengers did on his bus

THE TECHNOLOGICAL AGE

The technological age of the
21st century is great, isn't it?
When deleting history has become
More important than making it.

AFTER ALMOST FIFTY YEARS OF LABOUR

After almost fifty years of labour
I have failed to get ahead even a bit
Because I started out with nothing,
And I find that I still have most of it

TWO WRONGS DON'T MAKE A RIGHT

Two wrongs don't make a right,
I tell my daughter and her brother
And if you need a good example
Just look at me and your mother

TEAM WORK IS IMPORTANT

Team work is important,
In fact its second to none
Because it makes it easier
To put the blame on someone

IT ONLY DAWNS ON YOU QUITE

It only dawns on you, quite
How un-photogenic you are
Until it’s time for a group photo
And they hand you the camera

I'M NOT SAYING THAT I HATE HIM

I'm not saying that I hate him,
But my dislike is well known
And I’d unplug his life support
In order to charge my phone

A Little Bit Of Humour # 156

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 390

Monday's child
Is fair of face,
(Well obviously if they don’t look
haggard on Monday morning it’s
because they don’t have any children)

ARE YOU WEARING BLUE?

Are you wearing blue?
So tell me, what’s your story?
Roedean and Oxbridge, I see
So you’ll be marrying a Tory

ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 9

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Contrary to the rumour, live on
They are based in Blackpool
Where they do summer season

THERE IS GREAT HUMOUR TO BE FOUND # 2

There is great humour to be found
Among the Brits in their abundance
But for me the funniest of them all
Have got to be those from Punzance

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 399

Little Jack Jingle,
He used to live single;
But his friends got tired
Of his happy single life
And bullied and cajoled
Until he got himself a wife

EPIPHANY IS DESCRIBED IN THE LEXICON

Epiphany is described in the lexicon
Simply as a divine manifestation
But when she disrobed before me
It was a Magnificent Divest-ion

LOVE IS ALL ABOUT SHARING

Love is all about sharing
It’s the corner stone, you see
When my wife gets the flu
She always shares it with me

I HAD TWO EXAMS TODAY

I had two Exams today, English Oral
Followed by the French equivalent one
They were both hard, the only difference
Being the additional application of tongue

CAN I HAVE A GLASS OF RICE WINE

“Can I have a glass of Rice Wine”
I said “Beer makes me bilious”
The puzzled barman replied “Sake?”
I added “No I was being serious”

I SURVIVED TESTICULAR CANCER

I survived testicular cancer, but when
I was in Asda I screamed out in terror
As all I could hear at the checkout was
“Unexpected item in the bagging area”

I KNOW THEY’RE SMILEY

I know they’re smiley
And I might well be odd
But I don’t like Dolphins
And I’m a congenial bod
It’s just because found
They were a clicky pod

MY YOUNG ACTRESS SISTER

My young actress sister
Has absolutely no shame
But in Hollywood she has
Found some level of fame
She’s now “Doing a pilot”
I didn’t ask for his name

THE PIE FACTORY EXPLODED

The pie factory exploded
And it was carnage inside
There were also casualties
As 3.14 people died

THE KOALA WAS IN SOME DISTRESS

The Koala was in some distress
In fact he was in a proper mess
As he was told he wasn’t a bear
And he didn’t think it was fair
As he was one of nature’s creations
And he had all the koalafications

I HAD TO HAVE A BLOOD TRANSFUSION ONE DAY

I had to have a blood transfusion one day
And my notes said I was blood Type A
But it was mistake which brought me low
And it was all the result of a simple Typo

I HAVE AN ADDICTIVE PERSONALITY

I have an addictive personality
I think I must have that gene
I was even addicted to soap
But thankfully I’m now clean

A Little Bit Of Humour # 155

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 389

If all the world was apple pie,
Just like it was in my dream
Then the oceans would be full
Of delicious vanilla ice cream

ARE YOU WEARING CAPRI PANTS?

Are you wearing Capri Pants?
You’d look at home on a yacht
But I can say one thing for sure
Audrey Hepburn you are not

ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 8

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Contrary to the rumour, are not dead
They are in the Australian jungle
Doing “I’m a Celebrity” instead

ON BURNS NIGHT

On Burns Night
One thing you must do
Is to eat the Haggis
Before it eats you

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 398

There was a little girl who had a little curl
A pretty girl with a smile to dazzle
But that wasn’t how she wanted to be
So she had a wax and vagazzle

PAUL REVERE

Obviously Paul Revere famously
Rode his horse from Boston
Because the horse was too heavy
For him to carry to Lexington

THERE WERE TWO FLAGS FLYING ON ADJACENT POLES

There were two flags flying on adjacent poles
In all weathers as wind and hail they braved
And in all the years the two flags silently flew
They never once spoke, they simply waved

I AM DEEPLY IN LOVE AND JOYOUSLY HAPPY

I am deeply in love and joyously happy
In our rewarding, loving Relationship
In fact I am walking on air in my joy
And get a natural high from our elationship

I WENT FOR HEALTH AND SAFETY TRAINING

I went for Health and Safety training
On the safe and proper use of a ladder
And when the instructor began with
“Step one” I couldn’t have been gladder

OLD CLASSIC SONGSMITHS CROON

Old classic songsmiths croon
Their sweet romantic tune
Of the lovers sweet embrace
Beneath a silent silvery moon

WHEN I FIRST SAW THE BLUE PLANET

When I first saw the Blue Planet
Being advertised on widely on TV
I have to confess that nature wasn’t
The first thought that came to me

COUPLES ON THE DANCE FLOOR

Couples on the dance floor
In the heat of their oscillation
Can very easily find themselves
In an agreeable osculation

SADIQ KHAN, PHOTO OP BOY

For little Sadiq, appearing big
Is the name of the game
So if its bad news, photo op boy
Is on scene to apportion blame,
If it’s good he’s there, so that
All the praise is his to claim

MY FATHER IN LAW IS FULL OF IT

My father in law is full of shit
And I say that without hesitation
He would disagree obviously
As he would call it constipation

I HAVE COME TO THE CONCLUSION

I have come to the conclusion
That atoms are conniving
Deceitful and untrustworthy
Because they make up everything

IN HIS ADVENTURE’S

In his adventure’s against
Captain Hooks pirate band
Peter Pan always flies
Because he can Neverland

A Little Bit Of Humour # 154

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 388

Twinkle, Twinkle, little star
I think there’s something wrong
Because you have the same tune
As that annoying Alphabet Song

ARE YOU WEARING YELLOW?

Are you wearing yellow?
A brave choice for one so sallow
With thick wrinkled skin like a Tangelo
But for all that you seem quite mellow
So why are you wearing yellow?
Oh, you’re that Vince Cable fellow

ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 7

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
I can confirm are deceased no more
Though close enough, as they are
Hosting Bake Off on Channel 4

THERE IS GREAT HUMOUR TO BE FOUND # 1

There is great humour to be found
Among the numerous Americans
But for me the funniest of them all
Have got to be the Punsylvanians

I WAS ASKED WHO I WANTED

I was asked who I wanted
To celebrate my birthday
My answer was as easy as ABC
“Anyone but Chardonnay”

LAST NIGHT I UPDATED

Last night I updated
My social media profile
But my wife didn’t
Like my picture style
In fact she said I looked
Like a paedophile

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 397

Molly, my sister and I fell out,
And what do you think it was all about?
Well I loved Miranda and so did she
And she made Miranda cheat on me

ACCEPTED WISDOM IT WOULD SEEM

Accepted wisdom it would seem
Proclaims there’s no “I” in team
So that must mean that Teamwork
Will inevitably make the dream work

CARRIER BAG, CARRIER BAG

Am I the only one,
Is it really only me?
That has a carrier bag
Hanging purposefully
Dedicated for the use as
A carrier bag repository

CITIZENS OF WESTERN DEMOCRACY’S

Citizens of Western democracy’s
Will cross the world to fight for it
But are so disinterested that they
Won't cross the street to vote for it

AT WHAT POINT DO MISTAKES

At what point do
Mistaken repetitions
Made over time
Become traditions

HE WAS HARD AS NAILS

He was hard as nails,
And the man terrified me
His reputation is the fact,
Supported by Testimony,
That he once jogged home
After having a vasectomy

I HAVE GIVEN UP SEX FOR LENT # 3

I have given up sex for Lent
Which is to some small extent
An empty gesture on my part
As to stop I’d first need to start

A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (5)

I’m from a big Family
And my dad said to me
“Your brother is going to Italy
With his new lady”
I said “Oh really, Genoa?”
“No I haven’t met her”

BEING IN THE MEDICAL PROFESSION

Being in the medical profession
And being a private practitioner
Is the most tedious, as it requires
More patients than any other

YOU LOOK LIKE A MILLION DOLLARS

“You look like a million dollars”
I told my wife and she was all aglow
I didn’t explain that meant not as good
As she did twenty years ago

HAPPY AS LARRY

Apparently, being Happy as Larry
Means you’re a happy Chappie
But I want to know who Larry is
And whys he so bloody happy

A Little Bit Of Humour # 153

I HAVE GIVEN UP SEX FOR LENT # 2

I have given up sex for Lent
Which is to some small extent
An empty gesture on my part
As I had to as I have a bad heart

A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (6)

At a get together with Family
My widowed father told me
That he had found a new lady
“We’re off to Portuguese India”
“Oh really” I said, “Goa?”
“No” he said “she’s a bit demure”

ARE YOU WEARING GREEN?

Are you wearing green?
My pretty young Coleen
And that’s everything so?
Well that’s nice to know
And is an image to bewitch
If you do mean every stitch

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 387

Mary, Mary, quite contrary
Decided to sow Stock seed
But later she realised her error
After sowing Japanese knotweed

ARE YOU WEARING PEDAL PUSHERS?

Are you wearing pedal pushers?
I think it’s their appearance you like
Given that you are a sedentary being
And you can’t even ride a bike

ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 6

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Contrary to the rumour of their demise
Are working as the Chuckle Brothers
In their most cunning disguise

A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (7)

He said “I was asked by my daughter,
If I could go out to East Africa”
I retorted “that’s amazing, Kenya?”
He replied “No I had to disappoint her”

MY FRIENDS CALL ME SNAKE HIPS

My friends call me snake hips
Though not because I’m thin
I earned my unfortunate nickname
Because I have really dry skin

WHEN MY BROTHER WAS AT COLLEGE

When my brother was at college
He had an unusual nickname
Which was the “snow plough”
Because of his appetite for cocaine

LOVE IS ABOUT THE COMPROMISE

Love is about the compromise
It’s the corner stone I would say
For example if we should disagree
We compromise and do it her way

WHEN ASKED WHAT HE DID FOR A LIVING # 3

When asked what he did for a living
He replied furtively “I’m a spy”
Then he added he was from Belarus
And clarified “I’m a Minsk Spy”

TO HAVE VOICES IN MY HEAD

I believe it’s quite normal
To have voices in my head
Listening to them is usual
Sometimes I argue instead
However, if I were to lose
The argument, I’d be dead

IT WAS A SPECIAL TIME WHEN WE WED

It was a special time when we wed
In front of family, friend and piers
We found it a very emotional day
Even the Wedding cake was in tiers

TWO HUNDRED AND EIGHTY EIGHT LOVERS

“Two hundred and eighty eight lovers”
Was not what I expected, not even close
But that was what my mum confessed
And to be honest that was just two gross

IF ALL THE SEAS WERE DRIED UP

If all the seas were dried up,
Every bay, lagoon and ocean
Would Poseidon understand why?
Would he even have a notion?

WHAT SHAPE IS A KISS

What shape is a kiss?
Oh my now I’m in a pickle
Well if you press me
I would say it’s a lip-tickle

A Little Bit Of Humour # 152

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 386

Harlequin ladybird, fly away home
Your kind are not welcome here
So get your Harlequin spotted arse
Back to where you belong in Asia

ARE YOU WEARING CLAM DIGGERS?

Are you wearing clam diggers?
How very beachcomber of you
However inappropriate, given
The fact seafood makes you spew

ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 5

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Contrary to the rumour, are not dead
But are doing an Elizabethan tribute act
At the Edinburgh Fringe instead

ARE YOU WEARING GREEN?

Are you wearing green?
My pretty young Coleen
And that’s everything so?
Well that’s nice to know
And is an image to bewitch
If you do mean every stitch

A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (6)

At a get together with Family
My widowed father told me
That he had found a new lady
“We’re off to Portuguese India”
“Oh really” I said, “Goa?”
“No” he said “she’s a bit demure”

I HAVE GIVEN UP SEX FOR LENT # 1

I have given up sex for Lent
Which should not disconcert
As I haven’t done it for six years
So another month won’t hurt

ARE YOU WEARING SHAMROCK?

Are you wearing shamrock?
And Patrick is patron saint, but why?
Did he drive the snakes out of Ireland?
Or did he just have a great PR guy?

THE PERFECT FATHER’S DAY GIFT

On Father's Day, I want to give my Dad
The very best present that I can get
One that he wants more than anything
But I can't afford to move out yet

IF YOU ARE A LOVER OF PUNS

If you are a lover of puns
Then on shrove Tuesday
There is only one conclusion
And that that its pun-cake day

I TOOK MY DOG TO A BONFIRE PARTY

I took my dog to a bonfire party
And he stared at the fire blankly
I twigged as I watched the fiery licks
It was because he loved sticks
In fact sticks were one of his joys
So the fire was like a pile of his toys

ALTHOUGH IT HAS BECOME A FAMILY TRADITION

Although it has become a family tradition
Not everyone over eats on Thanksgiving
And of course I’m referring to the Turkeys
Because they were stuffed in the beginning

HOOCHIE COOCHIE

I really like to smooch
With my hoochie cooch
And the times I am in bliss
Is when we hug and kiss
Because I’m just a sucker
For my honey’s pucker

WHAT THE PAPERS SAY

They were reviewing the papers
On TV this morning
And A4 is still the most popular
So that’s quite boring

CHEESE DO

I went to a cheese function
For cheese from Brie to Blue
When the hot cheese appeared
It all became a really fun do

DAWN ROSE ON THE DESERT

Dawn rose on the desert
In the crisp morning air
But she didn’t have a clue
How she actually got there

RISKY BEHAVIOURS

She woke up on Sunday morning
And regretted her risky behaviours
Muttering as she looked at her partner
“I should have gone to Specsavers”

Halloween 2017

ARE YOU WEARING BLOODY CLOTHES?

Are you wearing bloody clothes?
I don’t mind admitting that you look scary
I hope it’s a Halloween costume and you
Haven’t escaped from the penitentiary

HALLOWEEN IS A CONTEST

For my friends and I, Halloween is a contest
And I go all out to beat them all
This year I dressed my dog up as a cat
But now he won’t come when I call

GOTH HALLOWEEN

I wonder if Halloween is the only
Day of the year that the goths
Dress colorfully like butterflies
Instead of the normal drab moths

THE LESSON THAT HALLOWEEN TEACHES

The lesson that Halloween teaches
Us all, Might well strike a chord
It’s pretending to be something you're not
Which will lead to a sweet reward

ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN SPATS?

Are you wearing Halloween spats?
Well I don’t like them much
But I have to admit that the spatter
Of blood is a very nice touch

A HOLIDAY DECEPTION # 2

I pretend to be someone I’m not
Just to receive something sweet
Which could be for Valentine’s Day
Or just for a Halloween treat

I MET A GIRL ON HALLOWEEN,

I met a girl on Halloween,
Wearing blood suckers attire
But alas she wasn’t costumed
She was actually a vampire

THANK GOODNESS FOR HALLOWEEN,

Thank goodness for Halloween,
I can say that without hesitation
Because the cobwebs have suddenly
Become Halloween decorations

HALLOWEEN PROPOSITION

My future wife was dressed like a tart
When we first met on Elm Street
And she said very provocatively
“I'll be your trick if you'll be my treat”

HALLOWEEN IS ONE OF THE FEW

Halloween is one of the very few
Acceptable times to wear body glitter
When you have a reasonable expectation
Of not being mistaken for a stripper

ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN SLIPPERS?

Are you wearing Halloween slippers?
They look very cute it must be said
But I think they’d look much cuter
If I was to see them under my bed

HALLOWEEN IS ALL ABOUT CANDY

Halloween is all about Candy
Which can be very droll
Unless she has daddy issues
And swings from a pole

WHY COULDN'T THE WITCH HAVE CHILDREN?

Why couldn't the witch have children?
It wasn’t just because she was a meanie
The answer is far more fundamental
Because her husband had a hallow weenie

ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN SOCKS?

Are you wearing Halloween socks?
Beneath your skirt? it’s hard to see
And gives me pause to wonder
How high they go above the knee

I AM BEING HAUNTED BY

I am being haunted by
A dancing ghostly vision
Who really has the moves
So I call him Boogie Man

HALLOWEEN FANCY DRESS

My friend asked me
What I was going to be
For Halloween
I said “Drunk will do me”

HALLOWEEN IS JUST AN EXCUSE

Halloween is just an excuse
For girls to dress inappropriately
And that’s why Halloween
Is the best holiday for me

ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN ANKLE SOCKS?

Are you wearing Halloween ankle socks?
You know I’ve often pictured them on you
And you really don’t need anything else
Just wearing those ankle socks will do

Wednesday, 2 August 2017

A Little Bit Of Humour # 151

WE NEEDED A FAMILY HOLIDAY

We needed a family holiday
But lack of finances can restrict
So I had to take them all
Up to the Off Peak District

I’VE STARTED PLANNING MY HOLIDAY

I’ve started planning my holiday
Last year I went to the Canary Islands
And didn’t see a single canary
So this year I’m going to the Virgin Islands

A MAN WANTED TO GO SWIMMING

A man wanted to go swimming
With sharks when the flags flew red
Of course you can do it at a price
But it could cost an arm and a leg

WE WENT TO THE SEASIDE

We went to the seaside
And it was so grim
Even the tide was reluctant
To come back in

I WON AN ALL-EXPENSES PAID

I won a round the world trip,
All-expenses paid
But my wife wanted to go
Elsewhere I’m afraid

SEND ONE BAG TO TOKYO

A passenger said “Send one bag to Tokyo
And the other to Paris, is that clear?”
They said at the check in desk “you’re going
To Athens so we can’t do that I fear”
“Why ever not” the man said in reply
“That’s exactly what you did last year”

BIMBETTE PACKED ALL HER GLOVES

Bimbette packed all her gloves
Into one suit case for Santorini
When I asked her why she replied
“Because its hand luggage only”

MY WIFE TOLD THE ITALIAN WAITER BLUNTLY

My wife told the Italian waiter bluntly
Without ambiguity what she meant
That his pepper grinder was like a penis
So he thanked her for the condiment

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN WEARING TIGHTS?

“How long have you been wearing tights?”
I asked him as we got changed for cricket
He smiled at me ruefully and then replied
“Since my wife found them in my pocket”

JEAN PIERRE AND HIS LETTERS

Jean Pierre coated his French Letters
In the famous orange liqueur digestive
His girlfriend liked flavoured condoms
He called them his Cointreau-ceptives

YOU CAN EITHER ASK ME TO DO SOMETHING

You can either ask me to do something
Or you tell me how you want it done.
But not both, if you already know best
How to do it, just do it yourself, hon

I’VE SURVIVED PROSTATE CANCER

I’ve survived prostate cancer
I've had two bypass surgeries,
I'm half blind, more than half deaf
And I have type two diabetes
I’ve had hip replacements,
An elbow and two new knees,
I can't remember if I'm 85 or 92
And when I go out I can’t go far
As I have a very weak bladder
But at least I can still drive my car

AN ELDERLY WOMAN DECIDED TO PREPARE HER WILL

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will
“I have two requests” she told her solicitor
“First, I want to be cremated, and second I want
My ashes scattered over all around Tombola
“Tombola?” the solicitor “Why a Bingo Hall?”
“Well that way I'll be sure to see my daughter”

AS I'VE MATURED

I've learned in my life that it takes years
To build up trust, and respectability
And it only takes suspicion, and not
A shred of proof, to destroy it completely

A CAT CALLED BOWLING

We have a cat called “Bowling”
So why did we call him that?
It’s obvious when you think about it
Because “Bowling” is an Alley cat

I AM NOT FRESH OR ORIGINAL

I am not fresh or original
That kind of sums up my story
And I have greyish white hair
So I am become hoary

A Little Bit Of Humour # 150

WHAT NOT TO DO IN HORROR MOVIES # 8

If you value your life avoid places
Where entities are known to kill
A certain geographical location
Yes I’m talking about Amityville

THERE WAS A TRAGIC CASE

There was a tragic case
When a Chickpea farmer died
And after the inquest
The coroner ruled it Hummuside

THEY’RE REMAKING OLD TV SHOWS

They’re remaking old TV shows
Updating oldies from TV heaven
A Sci-Fi version of “On the Buses”
Is going to be called Blakey’s Seven

THE CHICKEN AND THE EGG LAY

The chicken and the egg
Lay in the afterglow
He lit a cigarette and said
“Well now we know”

IT WAS ANOTHER SUV BIRTHDAY

It was another SUV birthday
Thanks to my significant other
No not that kind of SUV, I got
Socks, Underwear and Viagra

IF I KNEW THE FUTURE

If I knew the future and in particular
When I was going to die and where
The knowledge would be of little use
Other than to warn me not to go there

NOT DOING UP YOUR FLY AFTER SPENDING A PENNY

Not doing up your fly after spending a penny
Makes you forgetful and nothing more,
It doesn’t mean you have Alzheimer’s
Its only senility if you forgot to unzip before

GRANDAD BEAT HIS WIFE TO DEATH

Grandad beat his wife to death
But it’s not so bad I should say
As it just means that he died
Before Grandma passed away

WHY ARE BABY FLAMINGO’S

Why are baby Flamingo’s
Always allowed to mess around?
It’s simply because the parents
Won’t put their foot down

THE WOODPECKER LOST HIS BEAK

The Woodpecker lost his beak
As a result he was full of anger
He had lost his reason for being
And turned into a head banger

DRIED FRUIT TRADE

A customer said “I want to swap a bag
Of sultanas for two bags of raisins mate”
“I can only give you one bag” he was told
“Because that’s the currant exchange rate”

RIGHT ANGLED TRIANGLES

I wanted to buy some right angled triangles
And I wanted to do it without any fuss
So I asked around and took expert advice
And I was told to go to Pythag-R-Us

EXPERIENCED IN THE BEDROOM DEPARTMENT

I only dated my wife
Because I was told she was
“Experienced in the bedroom department”
Sadly it was gained
At Ikea over twenty years
Of course it was too late by then to lament

MY LUGGAGE GOT TRASHED AT THE AIRPORT

My luggage got trashed at the airport
So I made a claim at the appropriate place
But after filling out all the relevant forms
I was told I didn’t have much of a case

MY WIFE SENT ME TO BUY OXO CUBES

My wife sent me to buy Oxo cubes
Down at the local corner shop
But I returned home empty handed
Because they were out of stock

A Little Bit Of Humour # 149

WHAT NOT TO DO IN HORROR MOVIES # 7

If you value your life avoid places
That might make your nerves jangle
A certain geographical location
For example the Bermuda Triangle

FROM WHAT CAN YOU TAKE AWAY

From what can you take away
The whole and still have some?
Is an interesting riddle isn’t it
And the answer is wholesome

A FLIRT DRESSES TO KILL

A flirt dresses to kill
In her desire to impress
A butcher on the other hand
Kills to dress

MY UNCLE IS A JOVIAL MAN

My uncle is a jovial man and at home
He is always full of good cheer
But at work he always looks forbidding
But then he is an auctioneer

LIKENED TO A TREE

A dog can be likened to a tree,
I once heard it said
Because they both lose their bark
Once they are dead

THE DESIGNED INSTITUTION

The institution of marriage was designed,
It has very often been said
In order to keep a girl out of mischief
And get her into trouble instead

I ONCE MADE A SEX TAPE

I once made a sex tape
With an old girlfriend of mine
Although the first I knew
Was when I saw it on line

THE ONLY BUSINESS MODEL

The only business model
Whose proprietor prefers
Customers with no redeeming
Qualities, are Pawnbrokers

I UPSET MY ENGLISH TEACHER

I upset my English teacher
So I tried to comfort her
And said There, Their, They’re

THE HEAD CHEF

The head chef
At my favourite restaurant
Died only the other day
And the devastating news
Came out of the blue
He just Pasta way

I WENT TO THE RESTAURANT LAST NIGHT

I went to the restaurant last night
The MaĆ®tre d’ said there was a delay
And did I mind waiting, I said no
So he handed me a drinks tray

THE FRUIT AND VEG WHOLESALERS IN TOWN

The fruit and veg wholesalers in town
Has been liquidated and closed down
They looked for backers but got no takers
So now they’re owned by smoothie makers

MACARONI MOTORS

I told my wife
That I made a car
Out of Macaroni
It wasn’t until
I drove pasta
That she believed me

I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THE MEAL

The man said to his date
“I hope you enjoyed the meal
But alas I don’t have any money”
She was unfazed and replied
“If you’d told me sooner we
Could have gone somewhere classy”

COLIN TOOK A PORK PIE

For his homework
Colin took a pork pie
Around to his Aunty Grace
Because he thought
That he had to take pie
To one dismal place

A Little Bit Of Humour # 148

WHAT NOT TO DO IN HORROR MOVIES # 6

If you value your life avoid places
Famous for a murderous creature
Like a certain geographical location
Yes I’m talking about Transylvania

MEDICINAL REJECTION

“I can't be your valentine
For medical reasons” said Nick
“God is it serious?” he asked
“No you just make me sick”

THE ORIGINS OF FAT TUESDAY

The origins of Fat Tuesday
Are Anglican and Catholic
But in our town Fat Tuesday
Is an overweight biker chic

HIGHER EDUCATION IS A WONDERFUL THING

Higher education is a wonderful thing
But achieving it is not without expense
And the downside to higher education
Has been the demise of common sense

But high IQ’s and University degrees
Don’t stop them doing something stupid
Or being repeat offenders at stupidity
Whereas common sense always did

WITH OR WITHOUT HER

It wasn’t that he couldn’t live with her
That caused him to doubt
It was just that he wanted someone
He couldn’t live without

THE CHINESE DON’T WANT VISITORS TO KNOW

The Chinese don’t want visitors to know
They are being spied on in Beijing
That why the Chinese government
Changed the city’s name from Peking

POPPERS

They said they had poppers at the party
But no evidence of them could be seen
There was no strands of confetti anywhere
And the carpets were spotlessly clean

RICHARD GURLEY DREW

Richard Gurley Drew invented sellotape
In order to help out a mechanic friend
I got his autobiography for Christmas but
I didn’t finish it as I couldn’t find the end

MY DAUGHTER WAS GIVEN A NOVELTY GIFT

My daughter was given a novelty gift
Which really wasn’t intended to confuse
But the look on her face was a picture
When she held a pair of chocolate shoes

I HEARD ON THE NEWS THAT A HIJACKED SHIP

I heard on the news that a hijacked ship
Had been taken by smiley pirates
I thought that sounded quite nice but
It turned out they were Somali pirates

THE RSPCA WERE CALLED

The RSPCA were called to an emergency
But unfortunately they didn’t arrive in time
The animal was dead in the Xerox machine
It was reported to police as a copycat crime

THE USE OF DRUGS IS RIFE IN SPORT

The use of drugs is rife in sport
And it’s a worldwide thing
But people think it’s just China
And that because of Do Ping

WHEN GINGERBREAD MEN SLEEP

When a gingerbread man lays
On his bed Perchance to sleep
He does so every single night
Laying down on a cookie sheet

I SEE DECEIT IN YOUR FACE

“I see deceit in your face” said a wife
Following her husband’s deception
He didn’t help his case when he inferred
It was “a personal reflection”

THE STRUCTURE THAT TOPS THE LIST

The structure that tops the list,
By a distance or a smidge
For creating the most tension
Is clearly a suspension bridge

A Little Bit Of Humour # 147

WHAT NOT TO DO IN HORROR MOVIES # 5

If you value your life avoid places
Where demons from hell meet
Like a certain geographical location
Infamously known as Elm Street

THERE IS A VERY DISTINCT DIFFERENCE

There is a very distinct difference
Between Mardi Gras and Fat Tuesday
The former is an all-night party and
You wake up with the latter the next day

THE FEAST DAY OF SAINT PATRICK

The feast day of Saint Patrick
Is Ireland’s National Day
When the Irish people
Celebrate Saint Patrick's Day

RELATIONSHIP RULES

Anything I may have said
Six months ago to you
Is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, in my view
All comments become null and void
After a day or two

YOU SHOULD NEVER ENTERTAIN LEWD THOUGHTS

You should never entertain
Lewd thoughts, whatever you do
You should close your eyes
And let them entertain you

NONRELIGIOUS KIDS ARE ILL-INFORMED

Nonreligious kids are ill-informed
When asked the difference between
The New and Old Testament
Only one child bothered to speak up
And he thought the Kindle version
Must be the New Testament

I TOOK THE GRANDCHILDREN TO THE THEATRE

I took the grandchildren to the theatre
To watch the new pantomime Aladdin
I knew it wasn’t going to be very good
As they refunded my money on the way in

MY FATHER IN LAW FLATLY REFUSED

My father in law flatly refused to
Watch Henry the IV part two
He said “I’m not like other people
I can’t watch another sequel”

A MAN APPEARING AS HAMLET

A man appearing as Hamlet
Was booed while performing it
“Don’t blame me” he snapped
“I didn’t write this bloody shit”

THE YOUNG PERFORMER WAS EGGED ON

The young performer was egged on
To the stage by his pushy parents
But he was soon egged off it again
By an unappreciative audience

MY DAUGHTER IS AWAY AT UNIVERSITY

My daughter is away at University
And has nothing in common with ET
Because ET phoned home occasionally

I AM DOUBLY HANDICAPPED

I am doubly handicapped
Which has scuppered my plans
I am illiterate and ambidextrous
So I can’t write with both hands

THE GIRL IN THE CRINOLINE GOWN

The girl in the crinoline gown
Danced like in a dream
While moving in unfashionable
Circles it would seem

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY

Don’t talk to me about
Fifty shades of grey
I’m at the care home
Vagazaling grannies everyday

YOU’RE NEXT

If it annoys you when old people
Point at you during someone’s nuptials
And say “you’re next” just start doing
The same thing to them at funerals

A Little Bit Of Humour # 146

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 16

I went into hospital for minor surgery
The staff did not fill me with a sense of security
As I was going under I heard the surgeon say
“Hand me that...uh...that uh... doohicky”

DRINK GREEN BEER

Drink green beer
On St Patricks Day
It will count as one
Of your five a day

MY GRANDDADS NOT VERY TECH SAVVY

My granddads not very tech savvy
So when he got a laptop I was amazed
But when I asked what windows version
He had, he replied “double glazed”

MY GRANDSON IS ALWAYS ON HIS PHONE

My grandson is always on his phone
Its scrambled his brain I think
“What you need is a life” I said
He replied “Ok send me the link”

THE LAMB AND PUP

I walked into my local
“The Lamb and Pup”
The landlord said “Bitter?”
I replied “No just fed up”

A 16 YEAR OLD LAD

A 16 year old lad asked the barmaid for a drink
“I can’t sell you booze to quench your thirst”
She replied “Do you want to get me in trouble”
The lad smiled and said “Can I have a beer first”

WE CALL MY AUNT BETH THE EXORCIST

We call my aunt Beth the exorcist
Its cruel but we can’t resist
It’s because whenever she gets near
All the spirits disappear

BARBARA WINDSOR WENT INTO A PUB

Barbara Windsor went into a pub
After the days filming was done
And ordered a double entendre
So the barman gave her one

MY FATHER TRADES ON THE STOCK EXCHANGE

My father trades on the stock exchange
He really enjoys the thrill
Last week he traded boxes of Oxo cubes
For multiple jars of Bovril

YOU’VE BURNED THE DINNER AGAIN

“You’ve burned the dinner again” he said
To the plate with the burnt offering on
“It’s not burned, its caramelized” she retorted
“Well you’ve caramelized it to carbon”

CROSSWORD CONUNDRUM

“Seven down, “Fizzy Drink” eight letters”
I said to my fellow traveller’s arrayed
They looked at me blankly, then one said
“If it was seven up, it would be lemonade”

AN ACCIDENT IN THE KITCHEN

An accident in the kitchen
When the condiments ignited
Blew mixed herbs in my eyes
And left me Parsley-sighted

I THOUGHT HE WAS SHOT IN THE FOREST

I thought he was shot in the forest
But I was wrong, and the reason
Was a simple misunderstanding
He was shot in the Lumbar region

SISTER AGATHA AT THE CONVENT

Sister Agatha at the convent
Was somnambulistic
The sleep walking nun
Was called a Roaming Catholic

WHEN MOSES WENT TO MOUNT OLIVE

When Moses went to mount Olive
He bit off more than he could chew
As Moses thought it was just him
But he found Popeye was there too

A Little Bit Of Humour # 145

WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE ATE A HEALTHY DIET # 2

When I was young we ate a healthy diet
With plenty of fruit and vegetables
But we never thought of eating Seaweed
In fact we didn’t even know it was edible

WHAT NOT TO DO IN HORROR MOVIES # 4

If on your travels you find a town
Which looks deserted, let’s say
It’s probably like that for a reason.
So take the hint and stay away

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 15

I went into hospital for minor surgery
The staff did not fill me with a sense of well being
As I was going under I heard the surgeon say
“It’s a shame Page 47 of the manual was missing!”

THERE WAS ONCE A DUTCHMAN

There was once a Dutchman
Who made inflatable togs
It was a only a short career
But he popped his clogs

AN INSECT PACKER

He was interviewed for the job
Of an insect packer of bugs and thrips
He answered all the questions
And in the end boxed all the ticks

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 17

I went into hospital for minor surgery
And all the staff did was make me worse
As I was going under I heard the surgeon say
“No I said remove his spectacles nurse”

HOW WAS THE OP DOCTOR?

He woke up and said
“How was the op Doctor?”
“I’m not your Doctor,
I’m afraid, I’m St Peter”

WHEN TWO APPLE DEVICES

When two Apple devices
Interface when meeting
They don’t do a handshake
But do an iFive in greeting

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION

Failure is not an option
The salesman told me
But he didn’t say it came
As standard did he

MY COMPUTER IS LIKE

My computer is like
Air conditioning as it goes
It works perfectly well
Until I start opening windows

MR OHM WANTED TO MEET SOMEONE

Mr Ohm wanted to meet someone
And start a marital home
And he just couldn’t resistor
That’s why she’s now Mrs Ohm

MY SON HAS AN IPOD

My son has an iPod
His sister has an iPad
My wife has an iPhone
And its iPay for Dad

NOW I KNOW I’VE REACH ROCK BOTTOM

Now I know I’ve reach rock bottom
It must be due to my personality
I just got in my car and I discovered
And even the Satnav’s not talking to me

HE WAS FED UP WITH HIS DEVICE

He was fed up with his device
So in frustration without flinching
He dropped his iPad in the river
And it immediately started synching

MY SISTER WORKS IN THE IT DEPARTMENT

My sister works in the IT department
And got sacked for having dyslexia
Her boss told her to “unzip his files?”
She misunderstood and he sacked her

A Little Bit Of Humour # 144

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 14

I went into hospital for minor surgery
The staff did not fill me with a sense of security
As I was going under I heard the surgeon say
“I think this blade is sharp enough, don't worry. “

WHAT NOT TO DO IN HORROR MOVIES # 3

When there is a raging storm outside
And an intruder with murderous intent
And the power suddenly goes out
Do not go and search the basement

WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE ATE A HEALTHY DIET # 1

When I was young we ate a healthy diet
With plenty of fruit and vegetables
And we didn’t do it under sufferance
Apart from prunes which were medicinal

ST PATRICKS DAY IS ONE OF THE FEW

St Patricks Day is one of the very few
Acceptable times to wear body glitter
When you have a reasonable expectation
Of not being mistaken for a stripper

WHEN DID YOU LAST HAVE SEX

I asked “When did you last have sex?”
My uncle replied “1956”
“That long ago” I exclaimed “Wow”
And he said “it’s only 20.35 now

LAST YEAR I WENT ON HOLIDAY TO AUSTRALIA

Last year I went on holiday to Australia
And was asked by an immigration bore
“Do you have any criminal convictions?”
I said “I didn’t think I needed one anymore”

WHAT DO YOU CALL A SHEEP TIED UP

What do you call a sheep tied up
To a lamppost with a piece of string
Well it depends where you are
But some would see it as a sure thing

THE ITALIAN CHICKEN CROSSED THE ROAD

The Italian chicken crossed the road
Because he wouldn’t fight side by side
So that was the reason he crossed the road
In order to surrender to the other side

IS THERE ANYTHING WORN UNDER THE KILT?

Is there anything worn under the kilt?
An old lady asked Mr Lauder?
“No Madam there is not” he replied
“Everything is in perfect working order”

WHAT COULD THE POSSIBLE REASON BE

If a Britain was in the World Cup Final
What could the possible reason be
There is only one probable explanation
He would have to be the Referee

THE PRUSSIAN ARISTOCRACY

How do you think they got rid,
In days bygone,
Of the Prussian Aristocracy,
It was Von by Von

WHY DO THE FRENCH EAT SNAILS?

Why do the French eat snails?
It’s an odd habit, without being rude
The only explanation I can find
Is that the French don’t like fast food

AUSTRALIAN CULTURE

Being English we like to think that
Australians have no refinement at all
But today they are not without culture
They have Greek yogurt now after all

SOPHISTICATED NORTH AMERICANS

I had heard that there was such a thing
As sophisticated North Americans
And I have to admit when I heard that
I assumed they were talking about Canadians

WAS THE FIRST MAN ADAM, AN ENGLISHMAN?

Was the first man Adam, an Englishman?
There’s a question with which to grapple
As he was stood next to a naked woman
And he had thoughts only about the apple

A Little Bit Of Humour # 143

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 13

I went into hospital for minor surgery
The staff did not fill me with a sense of security
As I was coming around I heard someone say
“I hope this patient has already had a family”

WHAT NOT TO DO IN HORROR MOVIES # 2

When it appears that you have succeeded
And the monster is lying dead
Do not for any reason go and check
Get the hell out of there instead

WHEN ASKED WHAT HE DID FOR A LIVING # 2

When asked what he did for a living
He replied furtively “I’m a spy”
When told he was dressed as a butcher
He added “I’m a mince Spy”

LAST NIGHT I WAS SHAKEN VIOLENTLY AWAKE

Last night I was shaken violently awake
So I thought it must be an earthquake
But I soon realised as my heart was soaring
It was just my wife telling me I was snoring

ONE DAY ON THE GOLF COURSE

One day on the golf course
I overturned my golf cart
A pretty woman came to assist
And I was attracted from the start
Elizabeth, was very attractive
And didn’t apportion blame
“Are you okay are you hurt?”
she asked “what's your name?”
“It’s Colin and I’m fine” I replied
And she invited me to her villa
which backed onto the course
“I'll help you with the cart later”
“That's kind of you,” I answered,
But my wife wouldn’t like it”
“Oh, come on,” Elizabeth insisted
“Just come in and rest for a bit”
She was very persuasive “okay,”
I agreed, “But my wife won't like it.”
After a stiff drink I said “Thank you
But I must go my wife will be upset.”
“She’ll understand” Elizabeth said
“Because you might have been hurt”
And asked “where is she by the way?”
And I replied “Under the cart!”

A LONELY FARMER DECIDED TO SEE A MOVIE

A lonely farmer decided to see a movie
And take his favourite Cockerel too
But he knew animals weren’t allowed
So he hid him down his pants, out of view
He bought a ticket, and went inside
And sat down next to two old widows
The movie started unbuttoning his fly
So the Cockerel could watch the show
And one widow whispered to the other
“The guy next to me has his thing out”
Her friend replied “Don’t be squeamish
It’s not your first nor the last no doubt,
And I’m sure you’ve seen bigger
When you’re at home watching porn”
“Well I’ve seen bigger” she agreed
“But I’ve not seen one eating my popcorn”

MY FIRST EXPERIENCE OF DRINKING COFFEE

My first experience of drinking Coffee
Was when I was a kid at school
It came in a bottle and tasted foul
“Camp” it was called and wasn’t cool

THEY DO VERY ODD THINGS WITH SPUDS

They do very odd things with spuds
Nowadays some of which seem crazy
When I was young people who didn't
Peel potatoes were regarded as lazy

INTERLOCUTOR RESPONSE

“Is it true if you’re asked a question
You answer with another question?”
A young man asked his new bride
“Who told you that?” she replied

HE DIALED 999

He dialed 999 and said.
“Send an ambulance, my wife is in Labour”
“Is this her first baby?” the operator asked
“No, this is her husband, Trevor”

THE ROADS WERE UNEVEN AND BUMPY

The roads were uneven and bumpy,
Potholed and rutted
Which is no more than what
You come to expect
Of a third world country
Unfortunately I was driving in Surrey

THE OVER 50 EXERCISE PLAN

With a 2kg potato bag in each hand,
Extend your arms straight out from your sides
And hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold
This position for just a bit longer on this plan.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 5kg potato bags.
Then try 25kg potato bags and eventually 50kg bags
When you are ready put a potato in each of the bags.

I DECIDED TO TAKE AN AEROBICS CLASS FOR SENIORS

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
And I had to gyrate, jump, twist and bend
And I sweated for an hour, but, by the time I got
My leotard on, the class was already at an end

ST PATRICKS DAY FANCY DRESS

My friend asked me
What I was going to be
For St Patricks Day
I said “Drunk will do me”

PEPERAMI IS A BIT OF AN ANIMAL

Peperami is a bit of an animal
Is the pitch the adverts hit
But its animal origins aside
I would like to know “what bit”

A Little Bit Of Humour # 142

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 12

I went into hospital for minor surgery
And was fearful the procedure would be a botch
And as I was coming around I heard someone say
“Did anyone see what I did with my watch?”

WHAT NOT TO DO IN HORROR MOVIES # 1

When browsing the occult section
Of the library shelves
Never read aloud from a book
Of demon summoning spells

ARE YOU WEARING A BOILER SUIT?

Are you wearing a boiler suit?
Well it’s not the most flattering wear
But it does have a certain fascination as
I’m fascinated to know what’s under there

WHEN ASKED WHAT HE DID FOR A LIVING # 1

When asked what he did for a living
He replied furtively “I’m a spy”
When told he was dressed as a farmer
He added “I’m a shepherd Spy”

WHEN THE ALLSPICE SINGERS

When the allspice singers
Really went off the rails
Coryanda and star Anise
Had the Pepperatzi on their tails

A TEACHER HELD A SPELLING BEE

A teacher held a spelling bee and asked
“Kyle, how do you spell “crocodile?”“
“K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L” he said
“No, that's not the way to spell Crocodile”
Said the teacher “Maybe it’s wrong, but you
Asked me how I spell it” explained Kyle

THE PREFECT AND THE OIK

“Why are you always such a dirty little oik?”
The prefect asked
“You are the dirtiest pupil by far,
Look at me, I’m always clean and smart”
The boy replied
“I'm closer to the ground than you are”

INTERRUPTING ANNETTE

“Give me a sentence starting with “I”“
The teacher asked young Annette
“I is...” she began but teacher interrupted
“No, always say, “I am”, Annette”
The girl looked puzzled, but complied
“I am the ninth letter of the alphabet”

THE CAT ESSAY

The teacher said “your essay on “My cat”
Is exactly the same as your brother Matt’s,
Did you copy his work for your story?”
“No, miss, but it's the same cat” said Corey

ONE DIRECTION HAVE SPLIT UP

“One Direction” have split up
It seems nothing lasts these days
Ironically all the members
Have gone their separate ways

MY DEAR ELDERLY MOTHER

My dear elderly mother
Suffers with indigestion
Ironically her Gaviscon
Is on a repeat prescription

ARE YOU WEARING SPATS?

Are you wearing spats?
Like some old Chicago gangster
If you were told they were in vogue
Then you’re the butt of a prankster

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 385

“As I was going up the stair
I met a man who wasn't there!
He wasn't there again today,
Damn that was some good Mary J”

BOOTS THE CHEMIST SUNDAY OPENING

11am to 9pm the sign read
But the opening time was well past
And we were left out in the cold
And their apathy left me aghast
The signage needs to be amended
And a new sign should be tasked
Open “When we can be bothered”
Until “We can no longer be asked”

ST PATRICKS DAY IS AN EXCUSE

St Patrick’s Day is an excuse
For girls to dress inappropriately
That’s why St Patrick’s Day
Is the best holiday for me

Tales of Love # 29

OH TO FEEL LOVES EXQUISITE ACHE

Oh to feel loves exquisite ache
To feel that desperate longing
Experiencing that naked want
Of being with them again, and
Feeling so alive in the torment
While craving the next fix
Of that heady foaming brew
Which will satisfy the longing
And quench the thirst of desire.
And when that significant soul
Who holds my captive heart,
Is but a kiss and caress away
I am dragged from sorrows
Unfathomable despairing depths
And bitter anguish evaporates
Like dew under the morning sun
Until euphoria fills every pore
And in that perfect ecstasy
That blissful state of love
I remain until I am once again
Alone with my desperate longing

HAIR OF HENNA

Hair of Henna
Falls untamed
Over pale flesh
Stark in contrast
Like a crimson rose
Against bridal white

WHEN HARRY MET SALLY (Rewrite)

Harry's mind wandered
As he wended his way
Through crowded streets
To a special someone
Anna was his new love
And he would see her that night
As he hurried along
He could smell her hair
Feel the softness of her skin
He could even taste her
And he longed for her
As he remembered
Her smile, her kiss
Her writhing body
Then Harry stepped off the curb
Oblivious to the danger
And was struck
By a car unseen
Tossing him like a rag doll
Depositing him unceremoniously
Between car and gutter

His body lay broken
And bleeding
Where it came to rest
On the unforgiving street
And the last image in his mind
Was not the killer car
But Anna his new love
As his life ebbed away
His heart beat its last
The paramedic's best efforts
Were to no avail

A moment's carelessness
Had cost a young life
And his heart beat no more
In his broken body
But would beat once more
In another's chest
And reanimate
To bring new hope
To rekindle another's existence
Bringing a new beginning for Sally
Who, like a phoenix
Rises from the ashes
Of her frailty at the price
Of another families grief

THE OLD RUSTIC STILE

The old rustic stile
At the end of the lane
Still stands like a memorial
Marking that special place
Where the fates conspired
That our souls should meet
Though on that day
We purposely trod opposing paths
But met at that rustic spot
And to help you cross
I took hold of your hand,
Small and silken soft
Guiding you safely to my side
Where you stood on terra firma
And despite the presence
Of our companions
We were to all intents
Quite alone as we stood
Hand in hand and in the moment
When hand touched hand
We at once beheld
Our lives from that point on
Would be forever altered
Our future journeys
Would be as fellow travellers
And we were content
With a shared destiny

The old rustic stile
At the end of the lane
Stands like a monument
Marking the place of alteration
A significant place
A spiritual place
A place often revisited
And on such sojourns
We find romantic renewal
As the energizing memory
Of that special moment
Of love at first sight
Assails our senses
Essentially invigorating
Like imbibing the waters
From the fountain of youth
And our hearts once again
Resound with joyousness
Sweet moments of romance
Those excited tingles
Of loves first passion
When hearts beat faster
And desire courses
Through every fibre
The thrill of blossoming love
Adding to the strata
Of our love, laid down
Through all our years together
So by returning to the place
Of loves wondrous inception
We keep our love alive
And in equal measure
Love returns the favour

Tales of Love # 28

THAT RAINY SUNDAY

It’s a rainy Sunday
And I’m feeling blue
Remembering the past
And thinking of you

Do you happily look back?
Across the years
Or do you view them
Through bitter tears

Do you ever think of me?
Just once in a while
With a furrowed brow
Or rueful smile

You thought our love
Would last an eternity
But I was quite happy
Just to wait and see

I just wanted us
To enjoy the laughter
But what you wanted
Was happy ever after

I loved you so much more
Than I would ever say
When we broke up
On that rainy Sunday

When you asked me
I should have said
“I really do love you”
I just shrugged instead

I wish I could go back
To that rainy Sunday
I would get on my knees
And beg you to stay
HAIR OF GREY

Hair of grey
Falls untamed
Over blemished skin
In perfect complement
To graceful aging
And timeless beauty

THE BAD NEWS CAME

The news came,
As bad news does,
Out of the blue
At break neck speed
And hit me like a train
With deaths hateful sting
Numbing me to the core
Leaving me speechless
And too arid even to cry
Until the pain burst through
Bringing forth the bitter tears
As despair washed over me
Until I was drowning in sadness.
I sank in its frigid waters
To the depths of my soul
So bitter was the news
The loss so acute
I was broken in two
Lying beaten on the ground
I could feel no worse
I could sink no lower
Then like kicking an injured dog
I was struck by remorse
Like a tidal wave
A tsunami of regret
Knocking me off my feet
Why didn’t I tell her?
Why didn’t I say?
“I love you too”

LIFE’S SOJOURN

I held your hand
Though you did not know it
And I remembered
The first time I held it
That august day so long ago
When the magic passed between us
And I knew I had found my mate

It was such an innocuous action,
We were on the train
Two travelling strangers
As it rattled its way through Surrey
You were just getting to your feet
When the train lurched
And you fell back with a bump
I offered you my hand
Which you took and the die was cast
Our journey together began
Now your journey is nearly at its end
And I sit in vigil at your side
Where I will remain
Until life leaves your body
On that quiet final breath
And you make the next journey alone

I said to you when we were young
“I would love you all of your life"
And when you were still you,
Before the morphine took hold of you
You reminded me of it and said to me
“Will you still love me all of my life?”
With a crack in my voice I replied
“No I’ll love you for all of mine”

THE OLD RUSTIC STILE

The old rustic stile
At the end of the lane
Still stands like a memorial
Marking that special place
Where the fates conspired
That our souls should meet
Though on that day
We purposely trod opposing paths
But met at that rustic spot
And to help you cross
I took hold of your hand,
Small and silken soft
Guiding you safely to my side
Where you stood on terra firma
And despite the presence
Of our companions
We were to all intents
Quite alone as we stood
Hand in hand and in the moment
When hand touched hand
We at once beheld
Our lives from that point on
Would be forever altered
Our future journeys
Would be as fellow travellers
And we were content
With a shared destiny

The old rustic stile
At the end of the lane
Stands like a monument
Marking the place of alteration
A significant place
A spiritual place
A place often revisited
And on such sojourns
We find romantic renewal
As the energizing memory
Of that special moment
Of love at first sight
Assails our senses
Essentially invigorating
Like imbibing the waters
From the fountain of youth
And our hearts once again
Resound with joyousness
Sweet moments of romance
Those excited tingles
Of loves first passion
When hearts beat faster
And desire courses
Through every fibre
The thrill of blossoming love
Adding to the strata
Of our love, laid down
Through all our years together
So by returning to the place
Of loves wondrous inception
We keep our love alive
And in equal measure
Love returns the favour

Tales of Love # 27

ABIGAIL’S TALE

In the comfort of the coffee shop
Nestled into an oversized sofa
Sits Abigail, homesick and sad
As she reads a letter from home

She knows the sadness will pass
And sooner this time than the last
It strikes each time she hears from home
With news from those she left behind

Her parents, always loving and kind
Her baby sister, annoyingly lovely
All of her friends of long standing
And of course him, the reason she left

She left her home and those she loved,
The only place she had ever lived
After her marriage dismally failed
So she is building a new life for herself

Away from the people she loves
And the places and all the familiarity
The things that reminded her daily
Of her failure and her inadequacies

So Abigail lives far away in a new town
And she is making new friends
Discovering new places that will be familiar
As she tries to forget past mistakes

She has joined a new church in town
A new congregation, where her angels voice
Can sing loudly in praise to heaven
And she is finding peace within herself

And one day very soon, Abigail will sit
In the comfort of the coffee shop
Nestled into an oversized sofa
And not be desperately homesick and sad

One day very soon Abigail will read
A long rambling letter from home
And smile at it familiar contents
And she will not feel the old pain strike

One day very soon in her new home
Abigail will allow herself be happy
One day very soon in her new home town
Abigail will forgive herself

HAIR OF TITIAN

Hair of Titian
Tumbles unchecked
Falling untamed
Over pale flesh
Like autumn leaves
Stark in contrast
Like blood drops
On a fall of snow

SHOULD I RUN?

I ask myself
Should I run to you?
And keep our secret tryst
For that sweet joy
Of being kissed

I ask myself
Should I run from you?
And protect my heart
But endure the pain
Of being apart

So I must ask myself
What joy exists
In sterile safety
Compared to being kissed
So I run to you
To the love and chemistry
And drown myself
In your sweet serenity

THOSE JOYFUL DAYS

Gone now is that joyful day
When we stood before God
Humble in his blessed presence
And we were joined as one
When everything lay ahead of us

Gone are those joyful days
Full of love and laughter
Days of tender moments
And heady nights of passion
When everything lay ahead of us

Gone are those joyful days
When we walked along the shore line
Happy, carefree and in love,
As we walked hand in hand
And everything lay ahead of us

Gone are those joyful days
When God blessed our union
And delivered perfect joy into our lives
As our little family grew
And we had everything we desired

Gone are those joyful days
When your smile lit up my life
And my heart overflowed with love for you
Before it was broken in two
And everything was taken from me

Gone are the joyful days
Since you have gone ahead of me
Now God has you by his side
And I will miss you until that day
When God has reunited us

I look forward to that joyful day
When we stand once more together
But though my heart is broken
I must delay our reunion
Our sweet children need me
And I must love them double now

GOLDEN LOVE

It was fifty years ago when I first saw her
When I fell for her beauty and her charm
And now in the autumn of our years
I’m still proud to have her on my arm

How long ago it was when we were young
When every minute we were parted
Was full of angst, agonies and torment
And time alone left us broken hearted

Now I could compose symphonies
And write lofty ballads to her name
I could write the sweetest love songs
And never express what are love became

I would have crossed the wildest seas
And walked on coals to be at her side
I would have slain the fiercest dragon
And fought duals to win her as my bride

I proclaimed my love to her as everlasting
And told her we would always be together
Through thick and thin, good times and bad
Through the calm and stormy weather

My heart soared as the church bells rang
When at the alter she stood and said I do
Now after fifty summers and winters
The love I proclaimed still holds true

Tales of Love # 26

THE WEEPING WILLOW TREE

Like the star-crossed lovers,
Romeo and Juliet,
They come from feuding kin
And must hide their love
From those closest to them,
So they meet in secret
Beside the quiet lake
At their secret place
To share a clandestine love
Where the only sounds,
Are of the faintest breeze
Disturbing the lofty tree tops
A gentle lapping of water
Against the bank
And ducks squabbling on the lake
But despite the quiet
They are fearful of discovery
As they embrace hidden from view
Beneath a weeping willow tree,
Its leafy pendulous branches
Trail down into the water
Where, stirred by the gentle breeze
They dip in an out of the water
Like the toes of a reluctant bather.
Despite their fear, the lovers
Kiss in the quiet shade
And feel at once renewed
No words are spoken
Their language is of caress and kiss
Such a tender converse
With limitless vocabulary
And languid pronunciation
Every syllable well employed
And when the final paragraph is reached
They end with perfect punctuation
And bask in its afterglow
Until they must once again stir
From their lovers languor
And sadly tread separate paths
To re-join their warring tribes
Adopting adversarial manners
No knowing looks to be exchanged
No casual brushing past
When for an exquisite moment
A hand might touch a hand
They must remain entrenched
With their warring clans
Until they can once again
Embrace beneath the weeping willow tree

HAIR OF AUBURN

Hair of Auburn
Falls untamed
Over pale flesh
Stark in contrast
Like a crimson rose
Against bridal white

GIGOLO AND GIGOLETTE

Right from the start
He lost his heart
When the gigolo met
His lovely gigolette
And Philandered no more
Now he had his paramour

LOVE WASHED OVER ME

Love washed over me
Arriving at my feet,
Like the lapping of waves
On a lonely beach
But it drifted away
On the ebb tide

LEFT ALONE

Tears stung her eyes
And her voice cracked
As she remembered
Her loss hung heavy
Since he, what?
Even now she can't say it
Could not utter the word
Euphemisms fill her head
Crossed over, left the world,
Gone to a better place
He's in the next room
Passed away
Other people can say dead
But she cannot
Seven years have passed
Since it happened, her loss
And she lost so much
A husband, lover, friend
Partner, confident
And Soul mate
And even now it hurt
Though the wound
Is an old one
It is still unhealed
Still vivid red, and angry
Time is a great healer
They said to help her
To comfort her
But she thinks they lied

Tales of Love # 25

FORGOTTEN?

I had forgotten her
I had forgotten
The way she looked
With her bright elfin face
And brown soulful eyes
I had forgotten
The sound of her voice
With its sweet honeyed tones
And her infectious laughter
It had been hard
But I had forgotten her

I had forgotten
The smell of her hair
The taste of her lips
The touch of her skin
I had forgotten her completely
She was off my radar
My senses were free of her
Free of her intoxication
Free of her narcotic
It had taken months
Going cold turkey
To cleanse myself, to detox
To shake her from my consciousness
And exorcise her from my soul
But I had forgotten her

I had forgotten her
By changing jobs
Decorating the house
And ridding myself of everything
That reminded me of her
And I was free
My life was once more on an even keel
The stormy seas had been quelled
All was calm and safe
And there was such comfort
In feeling safe
The wounds had healed
Though the scars remained
I had peace of mind
When I could say
I had forgotten her

And I had forgotten her
Until that fateful day
When I found it
Down the side of the sofa
A small pearl button
Such an innocuous item
Evoking such potent memories
Of a violet lamb’s wool sweater
That accentuated her breasts so well
The button was a casualty
Of an intimate encounter
Discarded in our passionate haste
And in that instance of recognition
She was all at once back with me
My senses reawakened
Her scent was in my nostrils
I could feel her lips on mine
Her caress on my cheek
I could hear her infectious laughter
And I saw her sitting beside me
Close enough to touch
And as the wounds reopened
I realised to my dismay that
I had not forgotten her

I had not forgotten her
I had just shut down
Disabled my interface with the world
I hid away in my castle
And pulled up the draw bridge
And created my own world within
I held the button in my fingers
As the drawbridge lowered
And my castle walls fell
And the world flooded in
That little pearl button
Spoke to me in volumes
And I knew I loved her still

HAIR OF MAHOGANY

Hair of Mahogany
Tumbles unchecked
Over freckled skin
In perfect complement
Like forest fronds
In a dappled glade

THE NIGHT OF FIRSTS

I dreamt last night
About our night of firsts
And I saw everything with such clarity
Though it was many years ago
All the sights, sounds, tastes, smells,
And of course, touch
It was such a special night
Our night of firsts
Principally it was our first date
And the first time we held hands
It was as I walked you home
Along the orchard lane
And then of course
Beneath the cherry tree
We shared our first kiss
On that late spring evening
When the air was full of perfume
And we heard the birdsong
As we gazed into each other’s eyes
Then our lips touched
And our fate was sealed
For at that moment
On our night of firsts
We fell in love
From that moment on
And all the days of our lives
Our love has lasted
And though I am alone now
And I can only kiss you in my dreams
When my time comes
We will meet again
And we will walk hand in hand
Along the orchard lane
And kiss once more
Beneath the cherry tree

THE LOVE IN US

The love in me
Touches your heart and soul
And I feel a love divine
The love in you
Touches my heart and soul
And we share a love divine
The love in us
Binds us body and soul
And we bask in a love divine

I FOUND MY ONE TRUE LOVE

I found my one true love
My soulmate and when
I first laid eyes on her
My eyes saw only beauty
And at once I heard music
Where there was clearly none
But I heard it nonetheless
I could tell she heard it too
And she smiled at its significance
So I returned the smile
To my heart’s desire
And then we were caught-up
In an all embracing kiss
And our love is still singing

Tales of Love # 24

BUTTERFLY SUMMER

I remember well, when we were young
And all those long halcyon days
We spent so many joyful hours
Just idling our time away
Down on her dad’s farm.
They were such happy lazy days
Swinging on that old rustic gate
Fishing in the mill pond,
Pooh sticks on the stream
And roaming the countryside
With nothing particular to do
And a world of time to do it in.
They were truly wonderful days
Pleasure filled days, innocent days,
Before the end of childhood
But that was before those amazing weeks
Of that one very special summer,
So many summers ago now,
When she transformed before my eyes,
A little more each day, into something new
Like a butterfly, emerging from its cocoon
Spreading its glorious wings in the sun
Displaying a previously unseen beauty.
A wonderful transformation
When she magically changed
From the cutely naive country girl,
An awkward and ungainly tomboy,
Into an altogether more graceful being
A beautiful young woman,
Though I was fond of the grubby faced girl
With the unruly hair, wispy and uncombed
But fondness paled and I very soon fell in love
With the beautiful butterfly that had replace her
And with the emergence of the butterfly girl
Possessed of all the wondrous beauty
Of the first flower of spring
We trod an unfamiliar path
And left our childish games behind
Taking our first tentative steps towards love,
A love that was a stranger to us, an alien thing
Yet we stepped eagerly into its turbulent sea
And immersed ourselves in its waters
We knew at once that excitement of first love
When joy was all we could see
And all of our thoughts were only for each other
Sweet moments spent in blissful adoration
Until love was burnt deeply on our souls.
Now when we walk the familiar places
Of our distant youth, as we so often do
We can stand in that very spot
Where first I beheld the butterfly
Resplendent in the sunlight
And say to her with heartfelt sincerity
That I love her still

HAIR OF CHESTNUT

Hair of Chestnut
Tumbles unchecked
Over freckled skin
In perfect complement
Like forest fronds
In a dappled glade

I WILL BE WITH YOU ALWAYS

Do not grieve for me
Do not mourn my passing
Just remember me with a smile.
Don’t think of me as gone
Remember what we had
Think of our life as a favourite book
Do not close it and put it on the shelf
Never to be read again
Just because you hate the ending
Start to write the next chapter
Enjoy it like all the others
And don’t be sad
I will be with you always

I will be there when the wild flowers
Dance in the spring meadow
When the summer breeze moves through
A field of ripening wheat
When the morning mist of autumn
Softens the landscape
And when the winter sun
Sparkles and glints on the snow
And I will be by your side
Through your loneliest hours
I will be with you always

I will be there in the dawn
Rising with the sun
You will see me again
When the sun sets at the days end
And in the twilight hours
I will be that gentle breeze
That caress’s your cheek
On a warm summer evening
And I will be that tingle on your skin
As you lie in the quiet hours
I will be with you always

I will be there when you retrace our steps
And when you stand on the lake shore
My reflection will not be on the water
By I am still with you
When you walk in the autumn
Through the golden carpet
I will be in the dancing leaves
And when the snow lays,
Though I will leave no foot prints
I am there for these moments that were ours
I will be with you always

I will be there in the quietness of winter
Among the falling snowflakes
I will be in the dew drops
On the grassy meadow
I will be there in the warm sunlight
Of a summer’s day
I will be with you when the storm
Quickens your heartbeat
And you will feel me on your skin
In the April showers
I will be with you always

I HAVE HELD MY LOVE IN CHECK

I have held my love in check
While watching and waiting,
Cautious from the very start
Withholding romantic feelings,
And playing it safe, until the day
I find a worthy receptive heart

WHY IS IT THAT LOVES TEMPERATE FLAME

Why is it that
Loves temperate flame
Cools the bearer over time
Why is it so sweet
And yet so fleeting
And why does love
Fill a heart with joy
Yet age the lovers
Like a wilting flower

Tales of Love # 23

BEFORE LOVE DIED

We walked together in the spring
When our love was a fresh new thing
The cherry trees were in blossom
And we thought life was awesome
Our hearts were so full we sighed
But that was before love died

In the summer we walked together
In the fine and sunny weather
Through fields of golden corn
When we parted we were forlorn
And felt a burning passion deep inside
But that was before love died

In the autumn we walked abroad
And our hearts were of one accord
We wandered thought the golden gown
And nothing could ever get us down
We felt as one when side by side
But that was before love died

When winters chill fell upon the land
We still walked together hand in hand
We played in the snow like children
Making snow angels again and again
I even asked her to be my bride
But that was before love died

We had walked hand in hand
As a life together we planned
We sat beneath a leafy oak
As of everlasting love we spoke
And we loved, laughed and cried
But that was before love died

Now I walk alone in the familiar places
Where we enjoyed our fond embraces
Where we kissed and spoke of tomorrow
Places that now bring me only sorrow
Her love made me feel alive inside
But that was before love died

HAIR OF JET

Hair of jet
Falls untamed
Over alabaster skin
Stark in contrast
Like a ravens wing
Against fresh snow

I LIE IN THE FIRST LIGHT OF DAWN

I lie in the first light of dawn
Alone, thinking of her,
Wishing her next to me
Feeling her breath
Against my skin
Her breasts
Pressed against my flesh
In the quiet of the new day
Hearing her breathing
I ache for her touch
I long for her soft body
Against mine
In the dawns pale light
And in the darkness
I want her
I want her so much,
But she is gone
She is mine no more
Never again will my hands
Caress her form
Never again will I hear
Her murmur and sigh in pleasure
She is mine no more
My angel of the night
Has left my side
And dwells now
With others of her kind

NEVER BE SORROWED

Never be sorrowed
By love’s compromise
Don’t settle for second best,
You deserve better
So search for the one
Look into their heart
And when they look back
You will know it’s safe
To fall into their loving arms

OUR FIRST MEETING WAS BENEATH

Our first meeting was beneath
A sky of perfect blue
When a shaft of summer sun
Set your copper hair ablaze
Unspoken smiles were exchanged
Followed by silent acknowledgement
And love bloomed like a desert flower
After fall of summer rain