A Little Bit Of Humour # 93

I AM WEARING A CONTENTED EXPRESSION?

I am wearing a contented expression?
And all that is necessarily attached
I’m a man and at the end of the day
And if it itches, it will be scratched

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 340

Eeper Weeper, Chimney sweeper,
Had a skinny wife but couldn’t keep her.
That’s because
He didn't love her,
And up the chimney he did shove her

ARE YOU WEARING A FISH’S TAIL?

Are you wearing a fish’s tail?
And is it actually swishy?
I guess you must be a mermaid
You’re a very dishy little Fishy

SINCE I RETIRED I HAVE RESISTED THE TEMPTATION

Since I retired I have resisted the temptation
To tidy the cellar, the garage or the attic
Because the moment I accomplished the task
My grown up kids would fill them with their shit

MY WIFE HAS PUT ME ON A VERY STRICT DIET

My wife has put me on a very strict diet
And eating before bed has been discouraged
But if we weren’t meant to have midnight snacks
Then why is there a light on in the fridge

THE VET SAID

The vet said “Your Pekinese will keep vomiting,
But it’s your choice
To continue to keep talking to the creature
In that stupid gooey voice”

IF YOUR DAUGHTER WANTS A BIRTHDAY PARTY

If your daughter wants a birthday party
At home, make it Cinderella themed
That way you can be the wicked queen
And the guests can keep the house clean

MY SISTER HAS A TANNING SALON

My sister has a tanning salon
It is hers and her husband John’s
And at the national tanning awards
Their establishment won bronze

MY BROTHER IS SUCH A PESSIMIST

My brother is such a pessimist
It has been his great tormentor
He’s so pessimistic that if there
Was a contest he wouldn’t enter

THE DEVIL LANDED ON THE CHURCH ROOF

The devil landed on the church roof
The vicar said “Show him your cross”
So the curate went outside and shouted
“Piss off you red horned piece of dross”

ARE YOU WEARING DENIM JEANS?

Are you wearing denim jeans?
Popular they have always been
But on the older man they’re not
As fashionable as they might seem

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 339

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe,
Catch a tiger by the toe,
If he hollers, don’t let him go,
And if you do run like hell