I AM WEARING A CONTENTED EXPRESSION?
I am wearing a contented expression?
And all that is necessarily attached
I’m a man and at the end of the day
And if it itches, it will be scratched
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 340
Eeper Weeper, Chimney sweeper,
Had a skinny wife but couldn’t keep her.
He didn't love her,
And up the chimney he did shove her
ARE YOU WEARING A FISH’S TAIL?
Are you wearing a fish’s tail?
And is it actually swishy?
I guess you must be a mermaid
You’re a very dishy little Fishy
SINCE I RETIRED I HAVE RESISTED THE TEMPTATION
Since I retired I have resisted the temptation
To tidy the cellar, the garage or the attic
Because the moment I accomplished the task
My grown up kids would fill them with their shit
MY WIFE HAS PUT ME ON A VERY STRICT DIET
My wife has put me on a very strict diet
And eating before bed has been discouraged
But if we weren’t meant to have midnight snacks
Then why is there a light on in the fridge
THE VET SAID
The vet said “Your Pekinese will keep vomiting,
But it’s your choice
To continue to keep talking to the creature
In that stupid gooey voice”
IF YOUR DAUGHTER WANTS A BIRTHDAY PARTY
If your daughter wants a birthday party
At home, make it Cinderella themed
That way you can be the wicked queen
And the guests can keep the house clean
MY SISTER HAS A TANNING SALON
My sister has a tanning salon
It is hers and her husband John’s
And at the national tanning awards
Their establishment won bronze
MY BROTHER IS SUCH A PESSIMIST
My brother is such a pessimist
It has been his great tormentor
He’s so pessimistic that if there
Was a contest he wouldn’t enter
THE DEVIL LANDED ON THE CHURCH ROOF
The devil landed on the church roof
The vicar said “Show him your cross”
So the curate went outside and shouted
“Piss off you red horned piece of dross”
ARE YOU WEARING DENIM JEANS?
Are you wearing denim jeans?
Popular they have always been
But on the older man they’re not
As fashionable as they might seem
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 339
Eeny, meeny, miny, moe,
Catch a tiger by the toe,
If he hollers, don’t let him go,
And if you do run like hell