A Little Bit Of Humour # 77

DIETING TIP # 5

If you drink a diet coke
With a chocolate bar
They cancel each other
Out, so there you are
No calories count
For the chocolate bar

THE FOOTBALL ISN’T UP TO MUCH

The football isn’t up to much
We are all sensing doom
At half time the directors
Go off to the bored room

CINDERELLA’S TEAM IS BOTTOM OF THE LEAGUE # 2

Cinderella’s team is bottom of the league
Though it’s no surprise at all
When the princess in waiting
Keeps running away from the ball

I GOT VERY DRUNK ON ST PATRICKS DAY

I got very drunk on St Patricks Day
So I took a bus home to save any fuss
This may not be a big deal to most
But I had never before driven a bus

YOU TOLD ME YOU’D SPEND YOUR WHOLE LIFE

“You told me you’d spend your whole life
Trying to make me proud to be your wife”
She said to him “So what went wrong?”
He replied “I didn’t know you’d live so long”

I FIND SURVEYS QUITE SURPRISING

I find surveys quite surprising
This result even surprised my cousin
Twelve out of thirteen people
Have never heard of a baker’s dozen

MY BROTHER HAS A WANDERING EYE

My brother has a wandering eye
He’s been that way since birth
Not surprisingly I suppose
He now lives in Letchworth

I WAS VITAL AND VIGOROUS

When I was young
I was vital and vigorous
But I was a stickler for rules
Strict and rigorous
But life passes in a flash
Life’s moments are the shortest
Because you go from
Rigorous to rigamortis

SHE THOUGHT I WAS THE ONE

When I married my wife
She thought I was the one
Now she thinks, on a scale
Of one to ten, I am a one

MY OPTICIAN HAS A GIFT FOR STATING THE OBVIOUS

My optician has a gift for stating the obvious
Either that or he’s not very bright
After the eye test he declared forthrightly
“Mr Hooper your left eye isn’t right”

THE EYE TEST WENT ON FOR AN AGE

The eye test went on for an age
In fact it was something of an ordeal
“Your right eye isn’t right” he said
Well I can tell you that was surreal

BACK TO BACK DVD’S

My wife and I really enjoy
Watching DVD’s back to back
But only one of us can see
The screen which is a drawback

I WAS RAISED AS AN ONLY CHILD

I was raised as an only child
By my father and mother
Which really pissed off
My sister and my brother

SOME YOUNGSTERS ARE BREAKING INTO CARS

Some youngsters are breaking into cars,
They are proper little devils,
They do it in multi-story car parks
And that’s wrong on so many levels

BACK FROM PORT OF SPAIN

I have just come back from
Trinidad’s Port of Spain
It was a once in a lifetime trip
I can only say, never again