A Little Bit Of Humour # 55

ARE YOU WEARING NYLON PANTS?

Are you wearing nylon pants?
There can be no other explanation
Because every time you get aroused
It affects the TV reception

ARE YOU WEARING A STRAIGHTJACKET?

Are you wearing a straightjacket?
With wrap around sleeves and metal bands
Are you some kind of homicidal maniac?
Or do you suffer from wondering hands

PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

When the tragic death
Was announced on the news
Of the Oscar winning actor
My wife didn’t have a clue
Which prompted her to say
Philip Seymour who?

THE CHAUVINISTS ARE COMING

As economic migrants, blown
On the easterly breeze
Arrive on our welcoming shores
I am left in a state of unease
Not because they’re foreign
But because they’re from the seventies

IF YOU CAN AFFORD TO BUY

If you can afford to buy
Yourself a 3d printer
The first thing to do
Is print another printer

MURRAYFIELD RENAMED MUDDYFIELD

It had rained for days on end
The pitch had had its fill
So much so that the turf moved
But the scrum stayed still

YOU MIGHT WELL BE VERY GOOD

You might well be very good
I have no doubt about it
But you still can’t make
Chicken salad from chicken shit

I ASKED THE DJ STRAIGHT

I asked the DJ straight
Do you do requests mate
Yes geezer just name it
Turn the volume down a bit

SHE CHOSE TO WEAR BEIGE # 1

She chose to wear Beige
Quite unusual for a ball gown
It’s like a proper colour, but
With the volume turned down

TWO OVERWEIGHT LADS

Two overweight lads were in the pub
“Your round” one of them suddenly said
The other one took instant offence and
Replied “So are you, you great fat head”

WE WERE KIDS IN WORN OUT SHOES

We were kids in worn out shoes
And we’d gamble in one or twos
With liquorice and penny chews
On any contest we’d choose
But if we were then to lose
We’d sing the sweetie bar blues

MY PROSPECTIVE FATHER IN LAW

My prospective father in law
Finally fell in love with me
At the precise moment
He found out I had a BSC

Why he was so excited
Is a real mystery to me
A bronze swimming certificate
Is that prestigious, really?

FORWARD THINKING FUNERAL DIRECTORS

Forward thinking Funeral directors
Strike when opportunity knocks
The one in our town won an award
For thinking outside the box

WE ALWAYS GO TO THE PICTURES

We always go to the pictures
For the end of week features
Never mind orange Wednesday
What we like is CGI Friday

ARE YOU WEARING A WINCE?

Are you wearing a wince?
I see you’re pointing your toes
Did the nasty aliens forget
To remove your anal probe?"