Friday 22 November 2013

Thanksgiving Gags

Thanksgiving Gags
WHY DID THE TURKEY CROSS THE ROAD? # 2

Why did the turkey cross the road?
There was a very simple reason
It was due to a lack of options for a Turkey
During the Thanksgiving season

WHY DID THE TURKEY CROSS THE ROAD? # 3

Why did the turkey cross the road?
Well contrary to the fable
It was to avoid ending up
On the Thanksgiving table

IF ONLY YOUR LEFT LEG WAS THANKSGIVING

If only your left leg was Thanksgiving
And your right leg was Christmas day
Then I could devote all of my time
To visiting you between the holidays

AT THANKSGIVING TIME

At thanksgiving time
Turkeys, will like as not
Do the thanksgiving dance
Known as the turkey trot

This Sporting Life

BACK IN 1966

Back in 1966
When I was just a boy
I was full of pride
Watching Nobby’s jig of joy
And when Bobby Moore
Was raised shoulder high
Holding the World Cup
We all began to cry

I AM PROUD TO SAY THAT I COME

I am proud to say that I come
From a mixed race family
My mum was a sprinter
And dad did cross country

RED SOX

For a Bostonian
At his pleasure
Has a particular calling
When at his leisure

And that’s at Fenway Park
Where he spends the day
With kindred spirits watching
The Red Sox play

BLACK SOX

In the 1919 World Series
The Black Sox scandal took place
When the Chicago White Sox
Much to their disgrace
Threw the series
To the Reds of Cincinnati
An event of epic proportions
That will for ever live in infamy

The Family Way

The Family Way
SIGHTS, SOUNDS, SMELLS, TASTE AND TOUCH # 1

Sights, sounds, smells, taste and touch
It’s funny the things that cause the memories to awake
When all of a sudden memories of Mum flood back
It’s Abide with me and Date and Walnut cake

WHEREVER MY FATHER IS RIGHT NOW # 1

Wherever my father is right now
I’m sure he’s looking down
But assuredly He is not dead
He’s just on the roof stealing lead

SIGHTS, SOUNDS, SMELLS, TASTE AND TOUCH # 2

Sights, sounds, smells, taste and touch
It’s funny the things that cause the memories to awake
When all of a sudden memories of Dad flood back
It’s Pipe tobacco, Geraniums and Madeira Cake

THE LONG WAIT

My Dad had cancer
And from the moment
He had to succumb
It was thirteen years
Before heart failure
Was to take my mum
She was so unhappy,
Partly because
His passing left her numb,
But not only that,
She was angry because
She was the lonely one
He wasn’t supposed
To go first, he was supposed
To mourn mum
So at her funeral
I smiled to myself
Even though I was glum
Thinking about them
Reuniting and the bollocking
That was to come

SIGHTS, SOUNDS, SMELLS, TASTE AND TOUCH # 3

Sights, sounds, smells, taste and touch
It’s funny the things that cause the memories to arise
When all of a sudden memories of my Brother flood back
It’s Barry White, Wine gums and Apple Pies

WHEREVER MY FATHER IS RIGHT NOW # 2

Wherever my father is right now
I’m sure he’s looking down
He’s definitely not dead yet
He’s just a condescending git

Tales of Love # 10

Tales of Love # 10

I FINALLY FOUND THE ONE

I finally found the one
The one for whom I’d yearned
And everything was going well
Until my fortunes turned
When the joy became sorrow
And I suddenly got burned

RED ROSES

Red roses
For my true love
Each stem symbolic
One for each year
Each unopened bud
A year yet to come

RED SUNSET

The red sunset is for lovers
Who sigh with lovesick bliss
And in the glow of a blood red sky
The lovers stand and kiss

HOW COULD SHE BE REAL?

Is she not a mirage?
Born in my arid heart
To confuse my senses
Conjured from my dreams
To give false hope
This wild imagining
Is so cruelly meant
For someone so unworthy
How could she be real?

I FELL FOR YOU

I fell for you
Like a stone
And I am in heaven
I’m walking on air
As I imagine
Your arms around me
And If you fall for me
You’ll leave me breathless

UNHINGED, UNLOCKED

Unhinged, unlocked
Old wounds reopened
A love turned to hate
The passion and desire
Now for revenge

TOWARDS YOU MY LOVE

Towards you my love
My heart conveys me
Drawn towards your beauty
And your healing heart
The cherished moments
Of your tender embrace
Sustain me on my journey
Towards your open arms

YOUR KISS UPON MY MOUTH

Your kiss upon my mouth
Your breath against my skin
Your almost palpable touch on my heart

A PASSIONATE DESIRE

A passionate desire,
Made manifest
First in a perfect kiss
Then in a carnal embrace
Entwined with you
In an act of bliss
My love for you
Made complete

SOME PEOPLE SEEK

Some people seek
A maelstrom
Or a whirlwind
A breathless passion
Of eternal desire
But for me
I just need to be loved

A KEEP-SAKE

A keep-sake
That speaks of love
A handkerchief
Bearing a lipstick kiss
A rose dried and pressed
Within a weighty tome
A missive couched
In terms of love
Or a photograph
Kept beside your heart

THE LANGUAGE OF LOVE

Sending signals
And reading
The replies
A look or gesture
That holds a message
To be relayed
Is as ancient
As hieroglyphs
And as difficult
To translate

Tales of Love # 9

Tales of Love # 9
THE COMPASS OF MY HEART

The compass of my heart
Points for all its worth
With unwavering certainty
To the true polar north

It is not easily diverted
Or drawn to any latitude
But remains unerringly
On its northern longitude

IN HER DEEP BLUE EYES

In her deep blue eyes
Blue like the ocean deep
I looked for my reflection
But I couldn’t see it
Then all at once it hit me
Washing over me
Like a tidal wave
And I was left breathless,
Drowning in a sea of love
Then your arms were around me
And we made love
In the breaking waves

RED DRESS

I find that I have to confess
Though she lacks finesse
And her hair is a complete mess
I feel I can no longer suppress
The feelings I want to express
For the girl in the Red Dress

YOU WERE MY ONE AND ONLY # 2

You were my one and only
You were the sun in my sky
Now light has been banished
And I must in the darkness cry

HAIR OF BLACK

Hair of black
Falls untamed
Over ivory skin
Stark in contrast
Like a ravens wing
Against an alabaster sky

YOU TOOK ME FROM A SEA OF COLD

You took me from a sea of cold
You breathed life into me
Brought me back from the dead
Gave wings to my soul
And put music into my heart

I LIVED IN A CHASM OF EMPTINESS

I lived in a chasm of emptiness
A dark void of loneliness
Cold and emotionless
Without purpose or direction
A soulless vessel
Until that blessed moment
When you blew into my heart
Your divine wind
And I was full of love

OH WIND OF LOVE

Oh wind of love,
Blow my way
Have influence over me
Like the moon does the tides
Bring music into the silence
And shine your light
Into every darkened corner
And fill my world with love

THE RED BARN MURDER

At the Old Red Barn
In a Suffolk village
Maria and William
Had a lovers tryst

Romantic young Maria
Thought it was love
And they would elope
And not be missed

But he had other plans
And shot her dead
Burying her in the barn
And escaping into the mist

But just a year later
Billy paid the price
When he met the hangman
In a different kind of tryst

RED SKY AT NIGHT

Red sky at night;
Romantics delight,
When love can start
With an open heart

A LOVE SO STRONG

A love so strong
With depth and tone
Shared by two souls,
Kindred spirits of the heart
Enough love to last
Three lifetimes
So why would such a love,
Such loving feelings,
Not only fade,
But turn to retched hate

FINALLY I FOUND SOMEONE TO LOVE

Finally I found someone to love
Someone caring and nice
Someone who loves me
But it was over in a trice
For I was complacent
And so paid the ultimate price

Tales of Love # 8

Tales of Love # 8

IN ORDER TO BE SECURE

In order to be secure
I have to be sure
That our love will last
And expectations passed
Before I can agree
To give everything of me

SHE WAS A FORCE OF NATURE

When she was a young woman
She was a force of nature
But she is a force to be reckoned with
Now she is mature

WHEN I FIRST LAID EYES ON HER

When I first laid eyes on her
It was with music in my heart
And poetry in my soul
It was she who possessed the love
Which she brought into my life
A love she generously shared
And then I fell in love with her

SHE WAS ALWAYS MORE TO ME

She was always more to me
Than just a wonderful wife
She was quite simply
The rhyme and hue of life

HORSES FOR COURSES

Horses for courses
Or opposites attracting
There is no formula
At times of interacting

It doesn’t matter
If they are that or this
I just know in my heart
I’m a hit for my miss

THE IDLE RHYTHM

The idle rhythm
Of Her song
Soothes the soul
And cools like balm
The molten heat
Of raw desire

WITH A HEART FULL TO THE BRIM

With a heart full to the brim
With love and passion
I promised her this
She would forever occupy my heart
And possess my very soul
From the moment we kissed

OH SWEET HEART

Oh sweet heart
I yearned for you, until
That first moment
Of that exquisite thrill

Oh sweet heart
I yearned for you
When you left me
Lonely and blue

Oh sweet heart
I can’t take this bitter pill
I yearned for you
I yearn for you still

HAIR OF SILVER

Hair of silver
Falls untamed
Over blemished skin
In perfect compliment
Graceful aging
And timeless beauty

I FIRST MET ANDREA

I first met Andrea
Beneath a stone grey sky
In the barren frost covered fields
Where the raspberry canes would grow
Her cheeks were as red
As the expectant fruit
And hair the shade of chestnut wood
Breath plumed as she spoke
And her nose dripped in the cold
Laughter followed her
And her lips always bore a smile
As we toiled in the canes
All day long with knife and twine
And I fell in love with the girl
Whose hair was chestnut brown
Amongst the raspberry canes of autumn

WHAT ARE THE POINT OF PEARLS?

What are the point of pearls?
If not strung in elaborate swirls
About the necks of pretty girls
Or on tiaras amidst their curls
For Girls bring lustre to the pearls
And pearls add beauty to the girls

SEND ME ON A QUEST

Send me on a quest
To win your heart
Set me any task
And I will do my part

Across any ocean
I will gladly sail
Through seas of calm
And force ten gale

Across any mountain
I will gladly climb
No matter how long
I will take the time

Across any desert
On my hands and knees
I will whatever
I must do to please

True Nature # 2

True Nature # 2

RED BERRIES

Red Berries grow
In abundance
On the holly bush
As the snow falls
Nature’s bounty
On the bough
Mother Nature
Stocking her Larder
For the long bitter
Winter to come

WHITE BERRIES

White berries grow
In abundance
On the mistletoe
As the snow falls
Nature’s bounty
On the bough
Mother Nature
Stocking her Larder
For the long bitter
Winter to come

RED BREASTED ROBIN

Red Breasted Robin
Sitting on the fence
With snow falling
God that bird is dense

Sitting out there exposed
Out in all weathers
Trying to look cute
As it freezes its feathers

A Little Bit Of Humour # 34

RED FLANNEL NIGHTY

In your Red flannel nighty
But if I might say politely
You certainly don’t look flighty
But in regard to your flannel nighty
I don’t take my objective lightly
Which is to get inside it nightly

I CAN’T WATCH SYLVESTER STALLONE

I can’t watch Sylvester Stallone
I find his speech very distracting
He was clearly a graduate
Of the Mumbling school of acting

RED FLANNEL PJ’S

In your Red flannel PJ’s
You look quite a picture
Wrapped in the warm
Wool and cotton mixture

But as cosy as you look
I will immediately begin
To unbutton your PJ’s
And warm my hands within

WORDS ARE VERY IMPORTANT

Words are very important
Encyclopedia is one I like
But it doesn’t actually mean
A kiddie fiddler on a bike

THE LATEST WAY OF THINKING

Apparently the latest
Way of thinking
Is that there are
No such thing as facts
And that’s a fact

I DO PREFER NATURAL BEAUTY

I saw her and thought “not a fan”
She was all extensions and fake tan
And she’d applied the slap thick
And her lips needed a chap stick
I thought it again as she left lipstick
Around my undiscerning dipstick

VESUVIUS

Vesuvius is what
We called my sister Grace
It was because of all the
Eruptions on her face

A PAIR OF THERMOMETERS

What is the difference?
Between a pair of thermometers
Take your time don’t haste
One is oral the other rectal
It’s very simple really
The difference is the taste

I STRUGGLE WITH CERTAIN ACTORS

I struggle with certain actors
When giving cinematic recitals
Like De Niro and Pacino
They should come with subtitles

I HAVE SOMETHING OF A WEAKNESS

I have something of a weakness
I suppose it’s my Achilles
But I’m an old fashioned letch
So I like fillies in frillies


A Little Bit Of Humour # 33

ARE YOU WEARING WHITE SHOES?

Are you wearing white shoes?
I don’t know the wrongs or rights
But I’m quite sure you shouldn’t
Wear white shoes with black tights

RED SHOES

Stiletto healed red shoes
Are of such seductive hues
That when they come into view
They arouse a man anew

I WENT TO PC WORLD

I went to PC World
I saw computers
With or without a screen
Keyboards and mice
But there wasn’t
A policeman to be seen

ARE YOU WEARING AN ANKLE BRACELET?

Are you wearing an ankle bracelet?
What is the significance? I forget
On one ankle you’re just crumpet
On the other you’re a strumpet

RED FERRARI

Me and a Red Ferrari
Are not best suited are we?
For I can get in easily
But can’t get out with dignity

OH DEAR WHAT CAN THE MATTER BE

Oh dear what can the matter be
Three old ladies locked in the lavatory
And it all happened last Saturday
And nobody knew they were there

The first old lady was totally batty
And she was in there each Saturday
As I say she was really quite batty
And nobody cared she was there

The second old lady said sweetly
“I’m no lady oh how you flatter me”
I’ve not been here before on a Saturday
And we were surprised she was there

The third old lady was an anomaly
He was a man called Ian from Battersea
He didn’t even know it was Saturday
And didn’t know why he was there

I CAN’T WATCH CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON

I can’t watch Christopher Eccleston
I find his speech very distracting
He was clearly a graduate
Of the shouty school of acting

RED ROSE

Red rose carried no blush
She was not an English flower
Red rose was not prettily fragranced
She was not sweet, but sour
Red rose though of English genus
Was a spy for a Marxist power

RED DOOR

What is behind the red door?
Does danger lurk out of view?
Why do I hesitate before knocking?
Just because of its crimson hue
I have no answer but I do know this
I would not hesitate if it were blue

RED BLOODED

I like to think
I’m a red blooded man
I love the female form
I’m definitely a fan

But I’m old fashioned
Red blooded man or no
But there’s just a bit
Too much on show

RED LEATHER

She wore red leather
From head to toe
Which subtly squeaked
As she went to and fro

It hugged her figure
And she smelt divine
That new car smell
Is a favourite of mine

That leather clad lass
In the red leather suit
Without doing anything
Could toot my flute

RED FEATHERS

She Wears Red Feathers
And a Huly-Huly Skirt
Or so the old song goes
To me she sounds like a flirt
Let’s see how alluring she is
In Primark joggers and T-shirt

Monday 4 November 2013

Walking With God By My Side

CALLING ALL YOU ANGELS

Calling all you Angels
Amidst the heavenly host
Come in the name of God,
Father, Son and Holy Ghost
Answer the clarion call
Of the sombre Last Post
And take the fallen hero
Amidst the heavenly host

GOD SAT UPON HIS THRONE

God sat upon his throne
In the presence of the chosen
All was well in paradise
It was a special day in heaven
There was a quiet mutter abroad
And the flutter of Angels wings
Before a silent hush descended
And the heavenly chorus sings

WITHIN THE SILENT ECHO

Within the silent echo
Of the last rites
As the last words of life
Reluctantly give way
To the first words of death
God reaches out his hand
And you alluringly ascend
On comforting wings

GOD IS ON THE WEB

God is on the Web waiting for your prayer
You can easily find Him if you look around
There is no video link, Skype or live chat
But if you have faith it will be profound
Of course if an atheist was to click the link
It would respond with “Page not found”

I HEAR AN ANGEL SINGING

In the quiet of the night
When peaceful silence reigns
I hear an angel singing
And I wonder if it’s you

Amidst the chorus of the dawn
When birds are centre stage
I hear an angel singing
And I ponder if it’s you

When the wind is in the trees
Swirling in the breeze
I hear an angel singing
And I think it might be you

When the rain cascades
Down from the heavens
I hear an angel singing
And I’m sure it must be you

When the sun shines brightly
And its warmth is on my skin
I hear an angel singing
And I believe it may be you

At the setting of the sun
When another day is done
I hear an angel singing
And I know that it is you

ON MYSTICAL QUESTS

On mystical quests
The medieval knights
Sought the Holy Grail
They journeyed far
And widely searched
For a fine Golden cup
Bejewelled with gems
A challis fit for a King
Used at the last supper
By Christ himself
But these brave knights
Were doomed to fail
Christ did not live as a King
He was a Carpenter
And a poor carpenters cup
Would not have been
Crafted in Gold
And encrusted with Jewels
It would be a simple cup
Carved from wood
A humble vessel
For the son of God

WALK WITH GOD ALONG THE PATH OF LIFE

Walk with God along the path of life
When a spring is in your step
And at times when you must trudge
He will be your companion
So feel the blood of life course
And feel his love course with it
With every beat of your heart
As you walk with God

BEYOND THE SILVER MOUNTAINS

Beyond the silver mountains
Lies the undiscovered country
Where I will pass into the blue
And you will be there to meet me
I will walk over the mountains
And join you in God’s country
In the peace beyond the tears
And be together for eternity

RED DAWN

The Red Dawn of a new day
A glimpse of heaven
Signifying a new beginning
Another precious gift
Another day of life
Not to be squandered
But be accepted
In the spirit it was given

A Mixed Bag

SAVAGERY LONG SINCE PROCURED

Savagery long since procured
Its inhumane and bestial song
And its uncivilised beat
Is known to the barbarous throng
Whose ferocity knows no bounds
As it perpetrates its brutal wrong

HOMOSEXUALITY IS NOT A DISEASE

Homosexuality is not a disease
Nor is it against God or his word
And being “Different” is not a crime
It is neither unnatural nor abhorrent
No one cares if Adam loves Steve
Instead of loving Eve
There is no right way or wrong way
For matters of the heart
What matters is that they feel love
Love is indifferent to philosophy,
Theological perspective or social acceptability
There is no good love or bad love
There is no right love or wrong love
There is only love
And any relationship founded on love
Has my blessing

HOW SINGS THE SAVAGE BEAST

How Sings the savage beast
With a heart full of misery
When held within the narrow
Bounds of his captivity

How Sings the savage beast
With a heart full of joy
When his confines evaporate
And he is as free as a boy

IT’S NOT THE SIZE OF A MAN

It’s not the size of a man
That marks him high or low
It’s what is in their hearts
That makes them grow
Just look around you
And you will also know
That the smaller being
Can cast a giant shadow

STATE SANCTIONED ASSASSINATION

State sanctioned assassination
Of a foreign émigré
But Polonium poisoning
Seems a preposterous way
To assassinate anyone
Whatever anyone might say

THE ENGLAND OF WINSTON

The England of Winston
Did it ever exist?
Those days long past
When we had our finest hour

The England of Winston
When national pride
Was not frowned upon
But openly celebrated

The England of Winston
Must be an invention
For it is so far removed
From what I see today

England without Winston
Is not pride worthy
It has no identity
And no sense of itself

THE WHITE HORIZONTAL PLUME

The white horizontal plume
Streams in its wake
Like a long grey ribbon
As the locomotive powers on
A truly romantic image
Of the great age of steam

GLIENICKE BRIDGE

On a grey misty morning
Under cold war skies
Spanning the Havel River
Stood the Bridge of Spies
Where in the murky light
At the hour of the Lark
The faceless ones
Exchange agents in the dark

RED ARROWS

Red Arrows way up high
In tight formation fly
Weaving patterns across the sky
So pleasing to the eye

RED BRICK

Red Brick, built Britain
For common man and squire
Built from the ground up
Until they built an Empire

THE RED RIVER OF THE SOUTH

The Red River of the south
Gains it name
From the red-bed country
Of its watershed
Where it rises on the slopes
Of the Llano Estacado mesa
In two branches to flow east
From the Texas Panhandle
It acts as the border between
Texas and Oklahoma
Before entering Arkansas
And winds its way across
The arid lands of the Great Plains
And flows into Louisiana
Bound for the Mississippi

THE RED RIVER OF THE NORTH

The Red River of the North
Is born at the confluence
Of the Bois de Sioux
And the Otter Tail
Flowing north through
The Red River Valley,
Forming the border
Of Minnesota and North Dakota
On its journey into Manitoba
Where it washes into Lake Winnipeg
And spreads into the vast deltaic wetland
Known as Netley Marsh

RED LEATHER CHAIR

My earliest memory
Of Grandpa Henry
Is of him sat in his chair,
A red leather affair,
Reading a volume
Of prose in his room
He sat me on his knee
And then he read to me
And for an age, we pair
Sat in his red leather chair
Reading tales of daring
And in adventures sharing

RED MINI

My dad bought a new red Mini
He had it parked up at home
With a go faster stripe down the side
And brightly polished chrome

It had leather seats
And the dash was polished wood
It was nineteen sixty two
And it looked like a Mini should

GREEN LEATHER CHESTERFIELD

In green leathered comfort
I sat in a Chesterfield
In an atmosphere
That totally appealed
Among my piers
In silent appreciation
Almost a reverence
Of our quiet situation
A brandy on the table
A cigar in the ash tray
And the world held
Well and truly at bay

I WAS STUCK IN TRAFFIC

I was stuck in traffic
And cursing they delay
And whatever problem
That was in the way

There was an accident
Bike versus van
Resulting in Life changing
Injuries To a man

And my one concern
Had been the inconvenience
But though I was late
I was not as a consequence

Left unable to walk
Or injured in anyway
Yes I was late for work
But I was still ok

BACK IN SMOGGY BERMONDSEY

When we were back
In smoggy Bermondsey
And all the money was spent
We looked back fondly
On our September holiday
Picking hops in Kent

A Little Bit Of Humour # 32

HIS LATE GRACE

When my uncle
Passed away last night
He was given
The last rites
By a Bishop, who
Missed it very nearly
As he could only
Move diagonally

MATHS PROBLEMS

The American’s must
Suffer from innumeracy
As they only have one math
As far as I can see

MY BROTHER TEACHES

My brother teaches
Year nine history
Which in itself
Is a bit of a mystery
As there are more
Interesting years surely

SUPER HEROES COME

Super heroes come
In all shapes and forms
Which is fair enough
But what kind of hero
Is Iron Man,
Ironing isn’t even tough

I TOLD PEOPLE THAT MY UNCLE

I told people that my uncle
Worked for the United Nations
And it was an illusion I enjoyed
That was not strictly the truth
But it was close enough
After all he was UNemployed

I SIGNED UP FOR BOTANY

When I was at school
I signed up for Botany
I thought any class about “bots”
Is the one for me

FESTIVAL TOILETS

At the festival toilets
There was a bit of a queue
Which got a bit out of hand
To my view
But we all survived
The Battle of Portaloo

MY UNCLE MICHAEL

My Uncle Michael
Was a schizophrenic
But he was good people
Was Uncle Mick

I LOST MY BOOMERANG

I lost my boomerang
I can’t remember where or how
Oh wait a minute
It’s coming back to me now

MY POOR UNCLE TURNED TO CRIME

My poor uncle turned to crime
Him and an incompetent friend
They got caught with a shotgun
And he sawed off the wrong end

WHITE SHOES

Stiletto healed white shoes
Being worn out to a party
Well in my personal view
They make you look tarty

RED SKY IN THE MORNING

Red sky in the morning
As the day is dawning
Is a sailors warning they say
But really it’s just another day

Tales of Love # 7

HAIR OF RED

Hair of red
Falls untamed
Over ivory skin
Stark in contrast
Like a crimson rose
Against bridal white

IT WAS MY GOOD FORTUNE

It was my good fortune
That you came my way
For like a broom you swept
My loneliness away

TOUCHED BY THE GODDESS

Touched by the goddess
Our hearts surrendered
As Venus worked her spell of love
And nothing could break the bond
That fitted us perfectly
Like a hand inside a glove
So strong were the bonds
That entwined our hearts
And held us prisoners of love
Only death could part us
And I am now haunted
By the call of the mourning Dove

YOU VIEW LOVE AS A SNARE

You view love as a snare
Of ordinary everyday life
And won’t be trapped into
The ritual taking of a wife
But who will support and
Comfort in times of strife
If you don’t open your heart
To the simple joys of life

THE LOVE THAT DARE NOT SPEAK ITS NAME

The love that dare not
Speak its name
For fear of bringing
Upon them, shame

Denial of their love
Would be a cruel betrayal
For inside they knew
It was perpetual

Try as the families might
It would not be swept
Beneath a convenient carpet
Their bond was kept

And when they were safe
Behind a closed door
Their love was expressed
As true lovers adore

IF LONELINESS IS YOUR FEAR

If loneliness is your fear
There’s no need to shed a tear
For the solution is clear
Just find a love sincere
Someone to hold dear
And watch sadness disappear

OH FOR A SIGHT OF YOUR SMILE

Oh for a sight of your smile
Soothing as chamomile
To ease away my frown
Picking me up when I’m down

MY BROWN EYED FRAU

Where are you now
My brown eyed frau
It breaks my heart
Now that we’re apart
Sugar sweet brunette
My dearest Margaret
Wherever you might be
Come back to me

WHEN I PLIGHT MY TROTH

I don’t understand even though
I wear my heart on my sleeve
When I plight my troth
You find it so difficult to believe

I have never hidden my feelings
But I would not have plighted
Should I, for a moment, thought
They would not have been requited

A SPECIAL WORD FOR A SPECIAL GIRL

A “special” word for a “special” girl
Modesty prevents you saying its true
But if the word “special” didn’t exist
It would have to be invented just for you

HAIR OF BROWN

Hair of brown
Falls in cascade
Over freckled skin
In perfect compliment
Like forest fronds
And dappled shade

KOWTOW IN MACAO

Do you remember?
In old Macao
I greeted you
With an elaborate bow
You responded
With a formal Kowtow
Then I said hello
And you said Ciao
But the formality
Was just for show
So anyone looking
Just wouldn’t know
That the two of us
In that tableaux
Were more familiar
And all aglow
In the privacy
Of the chateaux

The Winds Of War

BLUE DANUBE

It was called Blue Danube, which
Doesn’t sound menacing at all
So innocuous for the first operational
Weapon in Britain’s nuclear arsenal

HMS IOLAIRE

On New Year’s Eve 1918
The Iolaire carried sailors
Veterans of the Great War
Back home to the island of Lewis
But as they approached Stornoway
As the New Year dawned
She struck "The Beasts of Holm"
And sank in the darkness
205 souls perished in the depths
They survived the horrors of war
Only to drown in the waters of home

RED COATS

The bayonets gleaming
In the sun
The piper’s pipe
The drummers drum
Red Coats forming
Up the square
The sound of battle
Everywhere
Though far outnumbered
In the field
They do not waver
They do not yield
The men
From borough and shire
The thin red line
Of the empire

PAST THE CENOTAPH THEY MARCH

Past the cenotaph they march
After Big Bens doleful chime
The proud veterans on parade
Years beyond their prime
But even with walking sticks
They still keep perfect time

THE FLOWERED FIELDS OF FLANDERS

The flowered fields of Flanders
Where met many a gallant enlistee
War visited its hell upon the earth
Turning them to a muddy bloody sea

SO SILENT WENT THE GUNS OF HELL

So silent went the guns of hell
No longer dispensing shot and shell
So we emerge from where we dwell
In answer to the armistice bell

WHETHER THEY MAY WIN OR LOOSE

Whether they may win or loose
Or whether they think its right
Our soldiers don’t get to choose
Which wars that they fight

THE RED ARMY

The Red Army
Rose from the ashes
Like a phoenix
Rising up from
The brink of defeat
To repel the invader
Pushing the Nazi scourge
Back to Hitler’s backyard
To end one war
And begin another
Colder one

RED BEARD

It was called Red Beard, which
Doesn’t sound menacing at all
So innocuous for the first tactical
Weapon in Britain’s nuclear arsenal

THE RAF SEEK OUT THERE TARGETS

The RAF seek out there targets
On recognisance missions
Brave young men
Flying beyond enemy lines
Armed with nothing more than cameras
They make pass after pass
Taking shot after shot
Before returning home
With their precious load
When the photo interpreters
Of Medmenham
Enhance the images
With their stereoscope’s
To create a 3D picture
For detailed analysis
By the boffins
Who identify a target
For more brave young men
To bomb the sites
Of the vengeance weapons

Classic Aircraft

THE SUPERMARINE SPITFIRE

Brainchild of R. J. Mitchell
The Spitfire was designed
As a short-range,
High-performance
Interceptor aircraft
The Supermarine Spitfire
Was the perfect flying machine
With its elliptical wings
And Rolls-Royce Merlin engine
It was fast and manoeuvrable
Which helped it dominate the skies
During the Battle of Britain

THE HAWKER HURRICANE

The Hawker Hurricane
Always overshadowed by the Spitfire
Whether as an interceptor-fighter
Or a fighter-bomber
Yet during the Battle of Britain
It shouldered a greater proportion
Of the burden against the Luftwaffe.

THE HAWKER SEA HURRICANE

The Sea Hurricanes
Were carrier based
Catapult-launched
Convoy escorts,
Known as "Hurricats"

THE HAWKER TYPHOON

The Hawker Typhoon
Single-seat fighter-bomber
Known affectionately as the Tiffy
Began life a medium
And high altitude interceptor
But with its Typhoon speed
It found its niche as
A low-altitude interceptor
But when ground attack rockets
Were added to its armoury.
The Typhoon earned a reputation
As the RAF’s
Most successful ground-attack aircraft.

THE DE HAVILLAND MOSQUITO

The de Havilland DH.98 Mosquito
Was a British multi-role combat aircraft
"The Wooden Wonder"
Known more affectionately
As the "Mossie" to its crews
Was the most versatile
British aircraft
Of the Second World War

THE AVRO LANCASTER

The Avro Lancaster
Was a four-engine British
Second World War heavy bomber
An iconic plane of the RAF
It first saw active service
With Bomber Command in 1942
Where it soon overshadowed
Its close contemporaries
The Handley Page Halifax
And the Short Stirling
It was affectionately known
As The "Lanc"
Perhaps best remembered
For Operation Chastise
Or the dam busters raid
Where it delivered
Barnes Wallis’s "Bouncing bomb"
With devastating effect
It was on to carry
The earthquake boms
Tallboy and Grand Slam
Used on V2 installations

THE AVRO LINCOLN

The Avro Type 694,
Was a four-engine
British heavy bomber
That never saw active service
In the Second World War
It was originally designated
As the Lancaster Mk IV
But were renamed
As the Avro Lincoln,
Though it became operational
Too late for World War Two
It saw plenty of action
In subsequent conflicts
Until the Jet age retired them

THE VICKERS WELLINGTON

The Vickers Wellington
Was a British twin-engine
Long range medium bomber
Known as “the Wimpy”
Designed originally
For daylight operations
It was widely used
As a night bomber
In the early years
Of World War 2.
Before being displaced
As the bomber of choice
By the large four-engined
Heavy bombers like the Lancaster
But the Wellington
Took on a new roll
As an anti-submarine aircraft
It was the only British bomber
To remain in production
For the duration of the war
And was first-line equipment
From beginning to end

THE VICKERS WELLESLEY

The Vickers Wellesley
Was a British light bomber
That was all but obsolete
By the time the war came
It was totally unsuited
To the European air war
Of the Second World War
But the Wellesley found a purpose
In the desert theatres
Of East Africa, Egypt
And the Middle East

THE HANDLEY PAGE HALIFAX

The Handley Page Halifax
Was a British four-engine
Second World War heavy bomber
Where it was soon overshadowed
By the Avro Lancaster,
But the Halifax remained in service
Until the end of the war

THE HANDLEY PAGE HASTINGS

The Handley Page
H.P.67 Hastings
Was a British troop-carrier
And freight transporter
The largest transport plane
In the world in its time

THE WESTLAND LYSANDER

The Westland Lysander
Was a British army
Co-operation and liaison aircraft
Which came into service
Prior to the Second World War
But when it became obsolete
In the army co-operation role,
Its exceptional characteristics
Came into their own
The Lysander’s short-field capability
Made it a natural
For clandestine missions
Being able to land on small
Unprepared airstrips
Deep behind enemy lines
To place or recover agents,
Particularly in occupied France

THE SHORT STIRLING

The Short Stirling
Was the very first British
Four-engine heavy bomber
The RAF had in the World War 2
It first entered service in 1941
And had a very brief career
As an operational bomber
Quickly being surpassed
By the Halifax and the Lancaster
Relegating the Stirling
To second line role
But it still had a significant
Contribution to make
First as a glider tug
And then as a resupply aircraft
During the allied invasion
Of Europe in 1944-1945

THE AVRO ANSON

The Avro Anson
Was a British twin-engine
Multi-role aircraft
Used by the RAF
Before, during, and after
The Second World War
It was originally the Avro 652
And was designed as an airliner
But was quickly redeveloped.
For a marine reconnaissance role
Though was soon rendered obsolete
As an operational entity
It was saved from the scrap heap
And became a multi-engine
Air crew trainer
And remained in production
Until 1952

THE AVRO SHACKLETON

The Avro Shackleton
Was a long-range British
Maritime patrol aircraft
Which came into service
With the RAF in 1951
It was a distant cousin
Of the legendary Lancaster
Which evolved first
Into the Lincoln
And then into the Shackleton
Its speciality was
Anti-submarine warfare
Then airborne early warning
And search and rescue
It was finally retired in 1990

THE AVRO LANCASTRIAN

The Avro 691 Lancastrian
Was a mail transport
And passenger aircraft
Used by Canada and Britain
In the 1940s and 1950s
The Lancastrian was basically
A modified Lancaster bomber
And delivered people and mail
As efficiently as death

THE AVRO MANCHESTER

The Avro 679 Manchester
Was a British heavy bomber
Of the Second World War
But it was an operational failure
Due to its underpowered
And unreliable twin-engines
However it lead directly
To the successful four-engined
Avro Lancaster, which became
The most successful
British bomber of the war

THE BRISTOL BEAUFIGHTER

The Bristol Type 156 Beaufighter,
Affectionately known as the Beau,
Was a British long-range fighter
A successful reworking
Into a heavy fighter
Of the Beaufort torpedo bomber design
Beaufighter is a portmanteau
Of "Beaufort" and "fighter"
But unlike the Beaufort,
The Beaufighter had a long career
And served in almost all theatres
Of the Second World War,
Firstly as a night fighter,
Then as a fighter bomber,
Eventually even replacing
The Beaufort as a torpedo bomber

THE BRISTOL BEAUFORT

The Bristol Beaufort
Was a British twin-engine
Torpedo bomber
Which saw service
With RAF Coastal Command
And then the Fleet Air Arm
Of Royal Navy
They were versatile and not
Used exclusively as torpedo bombers,
They were also utilized with great effect
As conventional bombers and mine-layers
However despite distinguishing themselves
In the Mediterranean
And in the defence of Malta
Their day in the sun
Was over all too soon
They were relegated to a trainer
Until the war ended

THE AVRO YORK

The Avro York
Was a British transport plane
And was yet another Avro aircraft
Derived from the legendary
Lancaster heavy bomber,
Which was used in military
And civilian roles
Between 1943 and 1964

THE BRISTOL BLENHEIM

The Bristol Blenheim
Was a Second World War
British light bomber
It had an all-metal stressed-skin
Retractable landing gear
Powered gun turret
And variable pitch propellers
State of the art at the time
And cutting edge for the RAF
But in truth it was no match
For the German Messerschmitt Bf 109
So its time as a front line
Combat aircraft were short lived

THE SHORT EMPIRE

The Short Empire
Was a medium range
Four engine monoplane flying boat
Carrying passengers and mail
Between Britain and the British colonies

THE SHORT SUNDERLAND FLYING BOAT

The Short S.25 Sunderland
Was a British flying boat
And Royal Air Force patrol bomber
In the Battle of the Atlantic
Hunting German U-boats
But it was capable of more
Humanitarian missions
And took part in the Berlin airlift

THE SHORT SANDRINGHAM

The Short S.25 Sandringham
Was a medium range
British civilian flying boat
Converted from Shorts Sunderland
And replaced the Short Empire
Carrying passengers and mail
Between Britain and the British colonies

THE LOCKHEED LIGHTNING

The Lockheed P-38 Lightning
Was a World War II
American fighter aircraft
With distinctive twin booms
And one central nacelle,
Housing the cockpit
The P38 was nicknamed
The "fork-tailed devil"
By Luftwaffe Pilots
It was the very definition
Of versatility in fact it had it all
And was in the thick of it
From Pearl Harbour
To Victory over Japan Day

THE AVRO VULCAN

The Avro Vulcan
Was an RAF
Delta Wing strategic bomber
And was the backbone of the Uks
Airborne nuclear deterrent
During a long period
Of the Cold War
It carried no defensive weaponry
So had to rely on its high-speed
And high-altitude flight
To evade interception
Until the advent
Of Electronic countermeasures
And although it spent
Much of its career
Armed with nuclear weapons
The Vulcan was still capable
Of performing conventional
Bombing missions
A fact underlined
Very effectively in 1982
When it was used in
Operation Black Buck
During the Falklands War

THE ENGLISH ELECTRIC LIGHTNING

The English Electric Lightning
Was a supersonic jet fighter
From the days of the Cold War
Noted for its great speed
The only all-British Mach 2 fighter
And the first in the world
Capable of Supercruise
Renowned for its interceptor capabilities
The Lightning was the best of the best

THE WACO HADRIAN

The Waco CG-4A
Was the most widely used
Troop/cargo military glider
Of World War II
Named the Hadrian

THE LOCKHEED HERCULES

The Lockheed C-130 Hercules
Is a four-engine turboprop
Military transport aircraft
An uncomplicated work horse
Take-offs and landings
Can be made on any unprepared ground
And its uses are too numerous to mention
In fact it would be easier to list
What the Hercules can’t do

THE GENERAL AIRCRAFT HAMILCAR

The General Aircraft
GAL. 49 Hamilcar
Was a large British military glider
Produced during World War II
Commissioned at the behest
Of the then Prime Minister
Winston Churchill
In order to transport
Airborne assault troops
And heavy cargo into battle,
When completed
The Hamilcar was capable
Of transporting heavy equipment
In support of airborne troops.
The glider could transport
A single light tank
Or two Universal Carriers.
Hamilcars were only used
On three occasions,
But only in support
Of British airborne forces.
They first saw action in June 1944
Transporting anti-tank guns
Assorted armoured Vehicles
And Tetrarch light tanks
Into Normandy during Operation Tonga
They were used in a similar way
During Operation Market-Garden
And finally in March 1945
During Operation Varsity
When they landed in Germany

THE GENERAL AIRCRAFT HOTSPUR

The General Aircraft
GAL.48 Hotspur
Was a military glider
Commissioned at the behest
Of the then Prime Minister
Winston Churchill
In order to transport
Airborne assault troops into battle
The Hotspur was the result
But its tactical limitations
Meant it was only used for training

THE AIRSPEED HORSA

The Airspeed AS.51 Horsa
Was a British World War II
Troop-carrying glider
Used for air assault by British
And allied armed forces
Like other British gliders
Of the Second World War,
Gliders were named
After military figures
Whose name began with H,
So it was named after Horsa,
The legendary 5th century
Jutish Conqueror of southern Britain.
But on D-Day 1944
The Horsa showed
It was not a conqueror
But a liberator of Europe

THE HAWKER SIDDELEY HARRIER

The Hawker Siddeley Harrier
Is more popularly known
As the "Harrier Jump Jet"
And was the first operational
Vertical take-off aircraft
Its unique abilities
Made it easier to disperse
An attack squadron
Away from vulnerable sir fields
The Harrier is quite simply
The most remarkable
Aircraft ever made

THE SLINGSBY HENGIST

The Slingsby Hengist
Was a British military glider
Like other British gliders
Of the Second World War,
Gliders were named
After military figures
Whose name began with H,
So it was named after Hengist,
The legendary 5th century
Jutish Conqueror of southern Britain.
But on D-Day 1944
The Hengist showed
It was not a conqueror
But a liberator of Europe

THE DOUGLAS DAKOTA

The Douglas C-47 Skytrain
Or as the RAF preferred the Dakota
Was a military transport aircraft
A successful development
From the civilian Douglas DC-3 airliner
A valuable asset to the Allies
During World War II
And like the Hercules
The Dakota’s uses
Were too numerous to mention
And it would be easier to list
What the Dakota can’t do

THE BRITISH AEROSPACE SEA HARRIER

The British Aerospace Sea Harrier
Was developed directly
From the Hawker Sidderley Harrier
And was used by the Royal Navy
Operating them from
Invincible-class aircraft carriers
Informally known as the "Shar"
The Sea Harrier
Served in the Falklands War,
Both Gulf Wars and the Balkans

REMEMBERING, REMEMBERING THE 5TH OF NOVEMBER

When I was a kid in the sixties we would squander a fiver every year on a bumper box of Standard Fireworks a good selection of the cheap and nasty.
Sparklers you couldn’t light, Catherine wheels that didn’t spin, Rockets that barely left the garden, Volcanos that didn’t erupt, Bangers that went “pop” and other assorted damp squibs.
But I still look back with fondness on our bonfire night parties with all the oohs and aahs, but then nostalgia is a wonderful thing.
However today the fireworks have evolved into something quite different, now they are more like munitions than pyrotechnics.
And bonfire night is more like the barrage before the battle of the Somme not so much provoking an ooh or an aahs but more of a “where’s my bloody helmet”.

Me And My Brother – The November The 5th Fiasco

My brother was five years older than me and as a result from the time I was five years old he looked upon me as something of a burden.
Now that might sound a bit melodramatic but it’s not as if he had to raise me or anything although in truth I think he would have preferred that.
But unfortunately for Peter his burden took a very different form.
Ever since my fifth birthday he had to baby-sit me, whenever he went out to play he had to take me along, and he hated it, which he never let me forget.
It didn’t matter what plans he had, football, cricket, riding his bike or fishing, you name it I was there too.

In fact I can only remember one occasion when he was grateful for my company.
It was November 1966, I was 10 and Peter had just turned fifteen the week before.
We were living in North London, where my dad worked as a grounds man on Alexandra Park racecourse and we lived in a cottage on the grounds.
It was the day before bonfire night which when I was ten was a very exciting time.
I found everything about bonfire night exciting, the bonfire in the back garden with the guy on top, hot chocolate and marshmallows, but I especially enjoyed the fireworks, now they’re just bloody annoying, but then they were magic when I was a kid.
However we weren’t the wealthiest family and money for luxuries like fireworks was not easy to come by so we never knew if we were going to have a selection box or a small box of bangers and some sparklers.
So it wasn’t until the afternoon of the 5th of November that we heard the news.
Peter and I were upstairs and Mum and Dad were in the kitchen when dad called up.
“Boys? Come down here”
We knew what is was about so we didn’t need calling twice and we dropped what we were doing and ran full pelt down the stairs, Peter got there first as usual.
“Alright slow down” Dad said as we slid into the kitchen on the lino.
“mums got something for you”
So we turned our full attension to mum.
“Here you are boys”’she said handing a bank note to Peter “for fireworks”
“Wow Ten pounds?” we said in unison
“Yes” she replied, “I did a lot of overtime last month”
“Thanks Mum” I said and hugged her, Peter took his eyes off the note momentarily and joined me.
Then we did the same to dad.
“Dad waste it all on fancy stuff, you’ve got enough there for a decent selection box and a few extras” he said and the realisation dawned on Peters face that he was allowed to get them himself.
In previous years we had gone to the shop bad dad had always bought them.
Even though back in those days kids could buy fireworks and most tobacconists would sell you fags or you could get them and beer from the offie, you didn’t need a note or anything.
We both ran out of the kitchen and started putting our shoes on
“Where do you think your going” Mum said to me
“I’m going with Peter” I replied, “to get the fireworks”
“Oh no you’re not” she corrected me
“Hah” Peter said and smirked rather disgustingly
“But…” I began
“But nothing you still have chores left to do” she scolded
“But…” I began again
“You have toys all over the house that I told you to clear away this morning” she said
Peter was heading for the back door.
Dad handed him a letter and said
“Pop my coupon in the post on your way”
“Ok dad” Peter said and smirked at me again
“If I pick them all up now can I go?” I begged
“Too late” Peter said and went out the door “Bye”
“If I pick them all up can I run and catch him up?” I asked
“No” mum said sternly
I looked at my dad for support but he just inclined his head and gave me a knowing smile that said, “You should have done it when you were told to”

I went off sulkily and begrudgingly picked up every toy car, soldier and Lego brick
And then sat down watching the clock
After what seemed like an age I went to the kitchen to find mum, dad had gone back to work by then.
“Why isn’t Peter back yet?” I asked her
She was stood at the sink and half turned to glance over her shoulder at the clock
“I don’t know” she replied unsurely then after a moment or two added
“Perhaps he had to go to more than one shop”
She accompanied this remark with a distinct nod as if to confirm what a sensible conclusion she had come to.
Half an hour later she was less convinced.
“Shall I go and look for him?” I suggest hopefully
“No” she said firmly “I don’t want to lose two sons in one afternoon thank you very much”
Then she began pacing the kitchen and muttering under her breath, she had just began her sixth length when I spotted him shuffling down the front path.
“Here he is,” I shouted
“Where?” mum said and went to the window “thank god”
When he came through the door he looked very crestfallen.
“Where on earth have you been?” mum said sharply though clearly relieved
“I...” he began
“Let’s see the fireworks,” I asked
“I…” he began again
“Where are the fireworks?” mum asked “Did someone steal them from you?”
“I didn’t get any” he replied softly
“Why not?” Mum demanded
“I,,, I” he stuttered
“Well?” mum reiterated
“I lost the money,” I said
“You did what?” she shouted “you stupid boy”
“I looked everywhere” he said “that’s why I’ve been so long”
“Do you know how hard I have to work to earn the money for luxuries like fireworks?”
“I’m sorry” he said and began crying “but I retraced my steps and I really have looked everywhere”
“Well that’s, that’s then” Mum yelled as she stomped off down the hall “and don’t think you’re getting any more”
“Did you post Dads letter?” I asked
“Yes” he sobbed
“Well at least you did that right,” Mum said
“Perhaps it’s in the letter box,” I suggested
“What is?” Mum asked
“The tenner” I explained “maybe you posted it with Dads coupon”
Peter looked thoughtful as mum came back into the kitchen
“See your brother has got more sense in his little finger than you’ve got in your whole body”
Peter stared at the floor as she ranted on, this was not the first time she had said that particular phrase but it still hurt.
“You need to get yourself up to the post box and wait there until its emptied and ask the postman to check through the letters”
Peter got up and walked towards the door.
“And take your brother with you” She said, “at least I know I can trust him”
“Can we still get fireworks?” I asked as I put my coat on
“Let’s find the money first” she snapped “and then we’ll see”
I had to run up the path to catch up with Peter but when I caught up to him he put his arm around my shoulder and said
“Well done kid,” he said

We spent the next hour sitting on the curb by the post box until the postman pulled up
He jumped out of his Comma van and when he saw us sitting there he laughed and said
“Ok what did you do?”
Peter stood up and explained what we thought he’d done and he laughed again
“You wouldn’t believe the things people post in here by accident” he said as he unlocked the door and began transferring letters from the box into his sack pausing only once to brandish our £10 note.

We thanked him profusely and went running off down the road and hoped above hope that mum would still let us spend the hard earned £10 on fireworks.
She was much happier by the time we got home and gave us both a hug before saying
“Now the pair of you had better get to the shop before they close”
“Really?” Peter said
“Yes” Mum said and kissed his forehead
“Just don’t tell your father”

November 5th


ARE YOU WEARING A GUY FAWKES MASK?

Are you wearing a Guy Fawkes mask?
Hoping to get coins in your cap
“Penny for the guy” is that the aim?
Well you’re losing out to that wino chap

MY BONFIRE NIGHT CRACKER

My Bonfire night cracker
Always good for a thrill
My favourite little sparkler
I like to call “Catherine will”

BANGERS AND SPARKLERS

Bangers and sparklers
Weren’t the fireworks
At the Bonfire night party
But the girls I invited

Halloween Tales

THE MODERN DAY WITCH

The modern day witch
Performs her maneuver
Flying across the sky
On a household hoover

WE WENT TO A FANCY DRESS PARTY # 1

We went to a fancy dress party
I was a wizard and she was a witch
But I knew it was time to leave
When she tapped her witch watch

MY LITTLE NIECE GOES TO HOGWARTS

My little niece goes to Hogwarts
She’s a witch and she’s excelling
But of all the subjects she takes
Her favorite one is spelling

TWITTER HALLOWEEN NIGHT

The invitation went out
To the twitter followers
About Halloween night
And the trick or treaters

It’s much safer than being
Out on the streets
And it’s better for you
To do twick or tweets

ARE YOU WEARING BLACK VELVET?

Are you wearing black velvet?
You look like the Black Queen
That’s so fitting for the season
I really do love Halloween

MY KIDS LOVE HALLOWEEN

My kids love Halloween
And not just trick or treat
We play lots of games
Especially Hide and Shriek

WHEN A VAMPIRE BIT

When a Vampire bit
A Snowman one night
They both ended up
With a case of frostbite

LOVE BITTEN HALLOWEEN

From the first moment
On that memorable first day
When I laid eyes on the Wiccan
All that I can say
Is that I was left as helpless
As a vampire with tooth decay

TWO WITCHES LIVED TOGETHER

Two witches lived together
When they were in the states
But there was nothing going on
They were just Broommates

I WAS STOOD AT THE BAR LAST NIGHT

I was stood at the bar last night
When a vampire gave me a fright
As I fully expected him to take a bite
But instead he ordered a blood light

WHAT TO GIVE ON HALLOWEEN

What to give on Halloween?
Is a no brainer in the end
Because everyone knows
Demons are a ghoul's best friend

IT’S NOT MY FAVOURITE HOLIDAY

It’s not my favourite holiday
And although opinions vary
I do really love Halloween
As I can eat, drink and be scary

IT WAS SO BIG AND ROUND

It was so big and round
Like a big orange bumpkin
It was a fat Jack-O-Lantern
Carved out of a plumpkin

WE WENT TO A FANCY DRESS PARTY # 2

We went to a fancy dress party
With a Hogwarts theme
There was me and my girlfriend
And her twin sister Irene

However after a drink or two
Alcohol caused a bit of a hitch
As with twin witches I couldn’t
Tell which witch was which