After entertaining Emily in an Artistic manner in the courtyard outside the Art Gallery it was after two o’clock when I reached The Bell, and under normal circumstances they wouldn’t let anyone else in at that time but as I was an Angel the doormen all knew me, they let me in.
It was very busy and took me a while to find Tristan but I eventually tracked him down.
He was hidden in a corner and greeted me with a warm smile and a cheer although it was so noisy that I didn’t hear the cheer but I still knew it happened anyway.
We had a beer together and stayed until closing time.
Conversation was difficult in the pub due to a combination of the music and everyone shouting to make themselves heard.
It wasn’t until we emerged on to the street that we had a proper conversation that is to say “a proper conversation” when one party is pissed and the other one isn’t.
He was gushing about the love of his life, Dakota Browning, and how wonderful she was.
“Wait until she shags you” I thought to myself “Then you’ll know how wonderful she is”
“Things are going well then?” I asked
“Oh yes” he said, “I think so”
He then proceeded to give me all the minutiae of their burgeoning relationships.
Despite the very real risk that he might bore me to death I offered to drive him home, but my worst fears weren’t realized as he rewarded me by promptly falling asleep.
When I got back to the village I stopped the car on his driveway and shook him awake.
He got out of the car rather ungainly and took a few unsteady steps to his front door; he fumbled briefly in his pocket for his door key, which he waved at me with a flourish before inserting it into the lock at the third attempt.
When he had the door open he turned and waved before stumbling inside and closing the door.
On Sunday morning I woke annoyingly early and couldn’t get back to sleep so I got up and was greeted by a quiet empty house again.
I made coffee and sat in the kitchen feeling rather lonely and pondered how I was going to fill my day.
Georgie was working all day and I wouldn’t see her until the next day.
As I stared into my coffee cup I heard a familiar voice.
“For goodness sake pull yourself together,” it said, “it’s a good news week”
The voice belonged to Katy Oliver, though she wasn’t really there.
“Ok Katy” I replied and instead of feeling sorry for myself I got up and got myself ready for church.
As I walked to St Lucy’s I tried to think what Katy meant by saying “its a good news week”, but the only thing I could think of was a song from the 1960’s by a one hit wonder group of RAF men, Hedgehoppers Anonymous.
And the reason I was so familiar with it was because it was a favourite of my Dads and it was on one of the tapes he always played in the car.
And the song just went round and around inside my head even during the service.
It's good news week
Someone's dropped a bomb somewhere
And blackening the sky
It's good news week
Someone's found a way to give
The rotting dead a will to live
Go on and never die
Have you heard the news
What did it say?
Who's won that race?
What's the weather like today?
It's good news week
Families shake the need for gold
By stimulating birth control
We're wanting less to eat
It's good news week
Doctors finding many ways
Of wrapping brains on metal trays
To keep us from the heat
Now although I wasn’t sure exactly what Katy’s disembodied voice meant, I was pretty sure it wasn’t that.
But with my head stuck in a constant loop of Hedgehoppers I decided there was no point in beating myself up over it.
And the moment I stopped trying to divine the meaning the sound tract stopped and I was able to enjoy the rest of the service in peace.
After the service ended most of the congregation spilled out through the doors and the milled around chatting and spreading the word along with a little gossip.
Which I did in my turn, there were many familiar faces in the crowd and I spoke to most of them in the spring sunshine.
Just as the crowd had visibly thinned and I was about to amble away myself I felt a tug on my arm.
“Simon” the voice said
I turned around to face the source of the voice.
“Hi Tilly” I said
“You can’t go yet,” she said in a hushed whisper.
“Why not?” I asked, “I’m hungry, and I missed breakfast”
“Because you can’t” she insisted “come into the church”
“What for?” I asked as she steered me unceremoniously through the door, smiling and the remaining parishioners as we went.
“What is going on?” I asked again as we reached the transept, where a very green looking Tristan was slouched in the nearest pew.
“Have you kidnapped him as well?”
“Sit down and stop your fussing and wait until Robert gets here,” Tilly said forcefully, so I sat down next to Tristan.
“What’s this about?” I asked him
“Don’t know,” he answered “she just came to the house this morning and dragged me out of my sick bed and forced me to come here”
“You aren’t sick you’re just hung over” Tilly snapped “So stopped whining”
“Harsh” He replied
“Very” I added
Just then we heard Roberts distinctive footsteps coming down the aisle, which turned out to be quite appropriate in light of what we were about to hear.
Robert joined Tilly and stood holding her hand
“Well” he said slowly and deliberately “we have an announcement to make”
Tilly was fidgeting and shuffling her feet as he spoke and it was clear he wasn’t speaking fast enough for her
“We have finalised, at least decided, or perhaps chosen…” he faltered
“We’ve set a date for the wedding” Tilly blurted out
“Great” Tristan said unenthusiastically
“That is good news” I said more sympathetically “and when is it?”
“August the 10th” they said in unison
“Great” Tristan said again
Then Robert cleared his throat and said
“And I want you to be my best man Tristan”
“What?” he queried “Me?”
Robert nodded and Tristan jumped to his feet and shook Roberts hand and then kissed his sister.
“I’ve never been a best man before” he said proudly
“Well done” I said and slapped him on the back.
“And as for you” Tilly said looking at me “I want you to give me away”
“Seriously?” I asked
“Yes” she replied
“Wow” I exclaimed
“Is that a yes?” she asked
“Of course it is you silly woman” I said and kissed her.
Tris and I then headed to the Cross Keys to celebrate, Tilly and Robert declined our offer to wine and dine them as they had other people to give the news to, now that they had spoken to us.
So we had a roast dinner and then got bladdered.
The next thing I knew it was Monday.
About 10.30am I was rudely awakened by a persistent banging on the front door, which was in turn banging inside my head.
I staggered clumsily downstairs and opened the door.
“Good morning sir” a man said brightly
“That’s a matter of opinion” I replied
“Ah well” he exclaimed, “I’ve come to pick up the car”
He nodded in the direction of the hire car and I was just about to hand him the keys when I suddenly remembered.
“I extended the hire until Saturday” I said
“Oh dear” he responded, “I have no record of that”
“I spoke to Amanda” I said “on Friday”
“Oh dear” he repeated, “I’ll give her a call”
I waited at the door feeling quite unwell while he phoned the office and confirmed with Amanda, and then he apologised for disturbing me and I closed the door and was heading back to my bed when the phone rang.
I looked at the caller ID and saw it was Lionel and was going to ignore it but then I thought I should speak to him, as I hadn’t touched base with him for a while.
“Hi Lionel” I said
“Simon dear boy” he replied
Now when Lionel called me dear boy it was either exceptionally good news or I was about to be admonished.
“I have great news,” he continued
Well it transpired that the great news was in relation to the sales of the Overend tapes that had taken off in a big way, due mainly it seems to YouTube on which some clips had gone viral, whatever that means.
There was a tiny note of admonishment before he hung up just pointing out that I was overdue with my submissions to the publisher.
I promised I would rectify the situation that week and then I return to my bed and stayed there until Tuesday.
On Tuesday morning I was up at 5am having slept the clock around and I found myself in a doing mood.
After putting on some washing I got to grips with my Laptop and spent two hours clearing my inbox.
It was at about 10 o’clock when I walked into the kitchen and was surprised to see Frankie in the back garden, she didn’t normally come until Friday, and so I opened the back door.
“Hi Frankie” I called
“Hello Simon” she called back
I walked across the patio towards her and asked
“How come you’re here on a Tuesday?”
“I had to rearrange things,” she said as she put down her rake and walked towards me
And then she grinned at me quite soppily
“I take it you’re pleased?” I asked “Congratulations”
And I hugged her as Maisie came around the corner
“Oi” she called “you sex maniac, put my partner down”
“Partner?” I asked releasing Frankie
“Yes” Frankie said, “Your gardening needs will now be met by Carpenter and Stewart”
“That’s fantastic news” I said “now it’s your turn for a hug”
When all the hugging was done with and congratulations were gratefully received the girls went back to work and I headed back into the house.
“Oh Simon” Maisie Called “I almost forgot”
“What?” I said and turned around
“Shula wants you to pop into the shop, sooner rather than later,” she said
The rest of Wednesday was spent writing and I was in such a rich vein of creativity that I didn’t stop until midnight.
On Wednesday I got up and emailed my latest output to my publisher Gordon and then had breakfast.
It was just before 10 o’clock when Molly walked through the front door
“Hi cuz” she called
“Hi Moll” I responded, “I’m in the kitchen”
When she walked in the kitchen she was dressed in a dark blue uniform that I hadn’t seen before.
“What’s this then, new uniform?” I asked
“New job” she replied and gave me a twirl “Ward sister at Kiddingstone”
“Well done” I said and hugged her,
Her uniform was all crisp and new and still had that fresh laundered smell.
“Do you have time for Celebration shag?” I asked
“Why do you think I’m here?” she replied and then kissed me
“Where would you like it Sister?” I asked between kisses
“Here will suffice” she replied, “I don’t want to be late for my new job” as she rubbed her mound against the bulge in my jeans.
“Just don’t spaff on my uniform”
Then she returned her attention to my mouth and her tongue darted in and out of my mouth as her hands undid my trousers and before long she was tugging on my cock.
After a moment or two she disengaged her mouth from mine and turned around and bent over resting her elbows on the counter top and wiggled her round arse at me.
Apparently she was ready so I shuffled up behind her like a horny penguin and began tugging her uniform up over her arse, which was naked.
“Where are your drawers?” I asked
“In the car” she replied
“Nuff said” I responded and undid the zip of her uniform
And slipped my hands inside and roughly groped at her tits.
While she rubbed her hind quarters against my cock.
But every time she was about to engulf me I withdrew and teased her until the fourth time when she looked over her shoulder at me as she rested on her elbows and pleaded with her eyes so I grabbed her hips and in one easy movement I penetrated her tight hairless fanny and judging by her vocal response it was very much to her satisfaction.
I took hold of her tits and cupped them as I pounded on her creamy pussy, the sound of her arse cheeks slapping against my belly was like applause and the coarse moans were like encores.
So I pounded on her harder and faster.
The applause grew.
Her vocalizing grew
The electric pace grew
The wobble of her tits grew
Until to rapturous applause and what sounded like baying wolf calls we both came.
And there she was my kissing cousin spent and disgraced bent over my kitchen counter with my twitching cock inside her.