A Humourous Selection # 18

ALIMONY VENDOR

A sign on the vending machine read
This machine takes all your money
And gives nothing in return
I thought not unlike my ex wife, Honey

PUBLIC INFORMATION MESSAGE

This is a public information message
The information is for everyone
Kindly heed this important warning
If you wish to heat or cook a bun

Using the microwave and the toaster
Simultaneously must not be done
It could throw the earth out of orbit
And send us crashing into the sun

SELF-MEDICATING

There is a pill, that I take a lot
I take it when I don’t feel so hot
I knew the name but then I forgot
And the nameless pill I take a lot
Tells me I'm happy when I'm not

THE ANNUAL AFFLICTION

They make my eyes itch
They make me sneeze
They make me cough
They make me wheeze
They make me choke
They make me seize
Give me a cure
Oh won’t you please
Free me from
These allergies

LAZARUS PILL # 1

There is a pill that I have to take
For recreation the doctor said
It’s a very special little blue pill
And I use it to raise up the dead

KILLER PILL

I was given from the dispensary
After my surgery
By a doctor so proficient
A tablet so efficient
That it dislocates your brain
So you really feel no pain

PILL POPPER # 1

Red and yellow and
Pink and Green
Purple and orange and blue

I take pills akimbo
Pills akimbo
I take quite a few

PILL POPPER # 2

I have to take so many pills
To cure my numerous ills
And for me they go to battle
But I’m afraid I’ll start to rattle

MY HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE

As I stood on my drive
I saw cracking little lass
Bend over on the footpath
Showing me her ass

My high blood pressure
Went up even more
Then my pacemaker
Opened the garage door

FEEL YOUR AGE

You know I still feel
"Young at heart"
But considerably older
In every other part

JUST A DASH

Pour me a Scotch Whisky
With only two drops of water
Please can you do that for me?
My dearest daughter
For at my age I can hold my liquor
But I can’t hold my water

ADOPT A WILD CAT

They want me to adopt a wild cat
Which is quite absurd
Where on earth am I going to keep
A fully-grown Leopard?

HE CAME IN THE NIGHT

He came in the night
The consummate thief
The taker of souls
Stealer of the cherished
Inhabitor of shadows
Blackness draping him
Like the night itself
The grim reaper
The snuffer of candles
The snatcher of life
The author of my grief

DEATH CAME AS NO SURPRISE

Death came as no surprise
So I cannot understand why
I am full to over flowing
With tears I cannot cry