Friday, 31 August 2012

An Antidote To Writers Block (Part 21) Smithsonian and Victoriana

After a surprisingly pleasurable night with Maisie and an exceedingly satisfying pre breakfast penetration I sat at the kitchen table with her eating eggs and bacon.
As she cleared her plate I mused on the depth of her appetite and she ate a hearty breakfast as well, I thought with a smile, well more of a leer really.
“You know we can’t let you live with your mum anymore”? I said breaking the silence
“I can’t live here” she said forcefully, in truth I was stung at quite how forceful she was.
“No, that wouldn’t be right at all, People would talk,” she continued
“I know” I responded, “So we need to find you somewhere to live”
A puzzled look spread across her face.
“Don’t worry hon I have somewhere in mind” I reassured her “I can’t say where yet but…”
I was interrupted by a loud banging on the back door when I looked it was the gardener Frankie, I was struck by the irony as I’d been wanting to bang on her back door for ages.
“Hello Frankie have you come to brighten up my day?” I said brightly
“Calm down Simon I’m not here for your gratification” she replied tartly
“I’m looking for Maisie, is she here?”
“Yes come in”
“Is she ok?” Frankie asked with concern as she bent down to undo her boots
“Never mind the muck just come in”
Once inside the kitchen she clucked around Maisie like a mother hen
“Oh babe, look at the state of you,” she said
“I’m fine now,” Maisie said bravely
“Fine my arse” she barked poking Maisie’s black eye until she winced
“And your mum did this?”
Maisie nodded
“I might have to kill her,” Frankie said without humour
“You’ll have to get in the queue behind “bruiser Braithwaite,”” I said
“Really?” she queried with raised eyebrow
I nodded
“Good for her” Frankie said proudly
“But seriously what are we going to do?” she said soberly
“We can’t let her go back there again”
“What about my stuff?” Maisie asked, “I need my clothes for work”
Frankie was about to say don’t worry
“And clean knickers” Maisie blurted out, and then blushed scarlet when she realised what she had said.
“I can take you home to collect your stuff” Frankie suggested “But then what?”
“Bring it back here,” I said matter of factly
“She can’t stay here” Frankie said with what I believe was a tinge of jealous indignation.
“That’s what I said,” Maisie confirmed
“I know that she can’t stay here” I was getting a bit narked at everyone’s default response being “she can’t stay here”
“I do have a plan”

Frankie drove a rather nervous Maisie to her house; she parked the van and held Maisie's hand as they walked up the path to the half open door.
When they were inside they found her mum collapsed on the sofa in a drunken stupour.
“I’ll watch her while you grab your stuff” Frankie instructed
“Okay”
It didn’t take long, maybe 10 minutes to gather together every thing of importance to her in one shoulder bag and all her clothes in a black sack.
“Do I really not have to come back?” she asked almost pathetically “ever”
“Not ever” Frankie replied and hugged her.
She looked down contemptuously at the prone figure of her mother and wiped a tear from her eye.

“Now go and change your knickers and get your dungarees on,” Frankie commanded, “we have work to do”
“Ok boss” she said and headed upstairs
“Are you sure she should work today?” I asked after Maisie had left.
“Definitely” she replied “it’s just what she needs”
Then with a doubtful look she added
“And it will give you time to work on your master plan, whatever that is”

No sooner had I closed the back door on Frankie and Maisie than there was a knock on the front.
When I opened it I found a very pretty young woman on the doorstep.
It was Jenny Smithson the petite and stunningly beautiful strawberry blonde I had been schooling in the carnal arts,
It was our last session before her best friend Emily returned from her holiday and they would have to share my sexual services.
Jenny was a deliciously shy creature who, since her deflowering, had come along way; well she had come a lot along the way.
She was still painfully shy when we weren’t engaged in breathless sexual activity.
Hiding her body from me post-coitally but she was becoming much more confident and less self-conscious during sex.
Today we were due to explore the delights of the 69 but due to recent events involving Maisie and the pressing need for me to find her lodgings I didn’t really have time for a lesson.
But so fragile was Jenny’s confidence I didn’t feel I could put her off and besides the fact that I was looking forward to lapping between her whiskers didn’t influence me in the slightest.
“Hi baby” I said, “have you come to play?”
She just smiled coyly and blushed
As time was very much of the essence I quickly whisked Jenny upstairs to my bedroom and stripped her for action.

She was sucking on my cock with great accomplishment while I attended to her wet pink pussy, sadly I couldn’t spend as much time on her as I would have liked so I just noshed on her, which had the desired effect.
When I had brought her quickly to climax with my mouth, I was just about to manipulate her into a suitable position to deliver the coup de grĂ¢ce
When she said
“Can I choose?”
This was a very promising development it was the first time she had wanted to take the imitative.
“Yes babe” I said
Then she crept forward along my torso, leaving something of a snail trail on the way and squatted on me in the reverse cowgirl position.
Her buttocks clenched and unclenched with each movement on my cock.
On the down stroke the flesh of Miss Smithson’s cheeks quivered and I held the girls hips to steady her while Jenny’s hands were playing with her tits.
Only when she started jiggling and bouncing around like an electrocuted rag doll did I intercede and roll her off onto her side and finish her off.
It was a very spirited performance.
“Well done baby,” I said very pleased with my pupil’s progress,

Having spent the morning playing a twosome with Jenny I quickly made my excuses and sent her on her way.
Then I made my way in a timely fashion to make up a foursome with three of my favourite ladies.
First was my very favourite choice for an alfresco dalliance Pandora Parkinson-Brown.
Second was my next-door neighbour Judith Hunt who had arranged the lunch and last but by no means least the object of my attentions that day, Victoria Braithwaite.
As we sat at a table Judith said
“Shall we have wine?”
“What a good idea” added Pandora working off Judith’s script.
I suppose this would be a good time to mention the “master plan” as Frankie put it.
In essence it involved getting Victoria a little bit squiffy on wine and persuading her to take Maisie in as a lodger.
We already knew Victoria was very fond of her and she had plenty of spare rooms and to cap it all she was lonely.
Furthermore we knew that Maisie liked Victoria and needed someone to care about her.
It was a very good plan in fact it was symbiotic.
Judith had already briefed Pandy on the plan and she played her part well.
“I’m game,” said Victoria
So that was decided

Two hours and two bottles later we had succeeded in our mission and Victoria had agreed to have Maisie as her lodger.
“I was going to suggest it myself,” she said
With the wine drunk and the bill settled Victoria insisted I walk her home so I could advise her which of her three spare rooms she should offer to Maisie.
I only got to see one
I only got to see one of them for no sooner had I stepped into the room when Victoria shoved me from behind in the direction of the bed where I finished up prostate.
Victoria Braithwaite was quite small and slim but surprisingly strong.
She was a rather plain middle-aged woman just the wrong side of 50 and was what my mother would call frumpy as she choose to dress in the twin set and tweed style, though the style was from another era.
Victoria was a sensible shoes and tan coloured tights kind of woman.
But as I found out one dark night in the woods beneath the frumpy exterior lay hidden delights.
Victoria jumped on top of me and as she did that night in the woods she kissed me full on the mouth and inserted her tongue quite expertly into my mouth and I kissed her back.
When I first moved to the village the poisonous clique who immediately gravitates towards the newcomer talked of “the prudish Miss Braithwaite” or “virginal Victoria” or “the dried up old spinster” such people didn’t know what a damn good kisser she was.
The clique soon lost interest in me when they realised I was not one of them.
While our tongues were busily engaged in oral exploration Victoria with a certain degree of skill subtly unzipped my fly and pulled out my stiffening cock through the opening.
I can tell you it went from stiffening to bone hard in seconds and she disengaged her mouth from mine and went to work on my cock with the same expertise she had shown previously. The prudish Miss Braithwaite was giving great head.
"Oh Victoria" I uttered as she worked diligently on me.
It was at this moment, on that night in the dark wood, that she stopped, startled by a noise in the wood.
On this occasion she stopped because she was ready for action.
Victoria stood up and yanked my trousers and pants down then she knelt on the floor and removed my socks.
I sat up and swung my now naked lower half so I ended up with one leg either side of the kneeling Victoria.
As I removed my shirt she took me in her mouth again which was toe curling-ly divine.
But now it was my turn to call a halt to the oral proceedings
She slurped loudly as I pulled her off my cock and she had to wipe her mouth on the sleeve of her twin set.
I stood up and helped her to her feet my erection protruding between us.
As we stood there in close proximity we didn’t say anything Victoria’s breathing was quick and shallow.
Her lips returned to mine and her hand went to my shaft and tugged on it roughly.
I fumbled for the fastener on her tweed skirt, once located and unzipped it slipped easily over her skinny hips and fell effortlessly to the floor.
I then turned my attention to her twin set slipping the cardigan off her shoulders and pulling the top off over her head.
We kissed again as I tried to unhook her bra, I finally gave up and just pulled the whole thing off over her head.
She was tugging on my shaft again as my hands slid beneath tights and knickers to grasp her buttocks she had a nice arse, soft and squeezable.
Then her kissing became more urgent and her grip on my rod more taught as I began to push her tights and pants down exposing her tidy little arse.
I pushed her backwards onto the bed and one foot at a time I untied her sensible shoes and they thudded on the floor as I discarded them.
After that I yanked down her tights and the white silk of her big French knickers quickly followed suit.
Once the tights and drawers had joined the rest of our clothes on the bedroom floor we were now both naked.
I climbed on the bed next to her and we kissed again my hands moved quickly to her breasts, they weren’t large and resembled fried eggs in fact they were scrawny little tits but her nipples were as fat as my little finger when aroused, which they quickly were.
I then ran my hand down from her tits onto her hip before sliding it down to fondled her arse again.
I soon worked my way teasingly to her generous thicket and then slid my fingers in between her juicy lips.
As I felt the creamy wetness between my fingers I thought back to the jibes about her being a dried up old spinster, if they only knew just how wet she was.
Victoria was kissing me hard and snorting in great lungs full of air through her nose as I fingered her pussy.
At the optimum moment having made her gasp out her orgasm
I removed my fingers from her honeyed lips and prepared to mount her.
She spread herself wide opening up for me and I slid into her.
She received my offering with a deep throated moan and wrapped herself around me pulling me deeper into her I went at her greedily, her legs wrapped around my hips,
Her arms wrapped around my neck and shoulders, growling out contented moans to my rhythmic penetrations,
As I pumped her harder these moans turned to guttural groans as her pleasure heightened they grew to howls, the closer to climax the higher the pitch.
Onward and onward, frenetically climbing towards the summit, until in the final crescendo she screamed out as I shot.
We stayed in our final position for several minutes, panting loudly, my cock still twitched inside her and I could feel her muscles contracting around my shaft.
She made several long pleasurable languorous sighs.
I kissed her neck and she hugged me tightly.

As Victoria and I silently walked arm in arm to my house, she wore a look of smug satisfaction on her face while I just looked knackered.
It had been a funny old day it had begun with me initiating a plan to coerce Victoria into billeting Maisie and ended with me being ensnared in a passionate trap in Victoria’s spare room.
Thankfully She had agreed to put Maisie up in her spare room even before she’d put me up herself.
Still there are worse ways of spending an afternoon than pleasuring a middle aged spinster.
I would have to make a point of notifying the village clique about the prudish Miss Braithwaite and what a pleasurable fuck she was.

When I stepped through my back door, I found Maisie and Frankie sitting at the kitchen table.
“At last” Frankie snorted
“Well hello gardening ladies” I said
“Sorry I’m late but I had to go and meet Maisie's new landlady”
I stepped aside and Victoria walked in
“Victoria” Maisie shouted and then raced across the kitchen and hugged her “I’m so glad its you”
And they both started to cry

An Antidote To Writers Block (Part 20) What Maisie Knew Later

The day after the literary awards dinner and Doreen’s subsequent prize giving at Guildford railway station I woke up to find I was as stiff as a board and not in a good way.
Now I didn’t know what it was, having thought about it, it could have been travelling on draughty trains in the damp weather, it may have been the gymnastics with Doreen in the disabled loo.
I even wondered if it could have been the fact that I was approaching thirty.
I just didn’t know in fact the only thing I knew for sure was that whatever it was I didn’t like it.
Later that day I found out the answer to my query to my cost as it turned out that I had the flu.
So I returned to my bed and didn’t emerge again until Sunday I had even had to defer my training of the Smithson girl.
As it turned out she was blobby anyway.
When I arose early on Sunday morning I ate a very hearty breakfast before taking a long relaxing bath and having fed and cleansed my body I decided it was time to do the same with my soul and set off towards St Lucy’s.
I had only returned to the church family since I’d moved to the village.
Whatever the reason was I still don’t know for sure but something was reawakened in me and every five or six weeks I find myself standing at the back of St Lucy’s yodelling out “how great thou art” or “The Lord's my Shepherd”.
Since Easter it has increased to once a month and not just because the Vicar was a woman I might add, I had made two visits in August and that particular Sunday was the first visit in September.
I even got sucked in, and not in a good way, by some of the do-gooders of the parish to help out in varying capacities and despite my cynicism it was not easy to say no, so I didn’t.
One of the many activities I was involved with was a Soup kitchen in Kiddingstone feeding the homeless.
I don’t mind admitting I was shocked at how young and vulnerable many of them were and I couldn’t help thinking how easily Maisie could have been among their number.
Hopefully I had nipped that in the bud.
I hadn’t gone more than a few yards from the cottage when Judith Hunt emerged from her front gate.
“Hello Simon” she said brightly
“I haven’t seen you for a few days, have you been away?”
“I’ve been in bed” I replied
“Oh yes” Judith said with a raised eyebrow
“Who with?”
“The flu”
“Oh dear” she said, “You poor dear, man flu was it?”
We both laughed
It was the first time I’d seen her on her own since the summer ball when I had to carry her home.
“I never got a chance to thank you,” she said
“For what?”
“You know very well what for” she said seriously
“But bless you for that”
She took me by the arm and we walked down the street
“Laurence has left” Judith said blandly
“I’m sorry,” I said though I was glad
“Don’t be” she said “it’s for the best”
“The boys threw him out you know” Judith announced proudly
“You can do better than him,” I said squeezing her hand “you deserve better than him”
Judith squeezed my hand back
“Thank you”
Just then a voice called to us
“Wait for me”
We stopped and looked back to see Victoria Braithwaite hurrying after us
“Hello you two” she said, “are you going to Lucy’s?”
Victoria always refereed to the church as Lucy’s rather than St Lucy’s; she had done it ever since she was a small child.
“Yes” we said in unison
Victoria suddenly noticed Judith’s arm through mine and gave me a look.
“I have a spare arm,” I offered
“Well that’s ok then” and quickly took my arm.
As we cordially strolled, arm in arm towards the church we did elicit the occasional sideways glance
“You do know that you two will be the talk of the village?” I said
They both looked at me a little old fashioned
“You’ll be the two jezebels hanging off the arms of the local lothario”
We all laughed.
We were still laughing as we reached the door of the church
The Reverend Oliver was at the door as we approached doing the meet and greet.
She was a willowy thirty something, nearer to forty than not, with shoulder length brunette hair.
Not an unattractive woman my any measure, with a warm open manner, intelligent green laughing eyes and a broad toothy smile altogether a very pleasant demeanour.
“Aren’t you worried about your reputation?” she called
“No I have broad shoulders Vicar” I replied
“Not you, you are tarnished beyond all hope”, she said smiling
“I was speaking to your companions”
“That’s most unfair Vicar and only goes to show how misunderstood I am,” I said feigning injury
“I have merely made it my mission in life to save fallen women,
And I’m saving these two for later”
The Vicar laughed, Judith punched me on the arm and Victoria blushed and then we went inside.
It was a good service, short on sermonising and long on rejoicing, as usual the mix of hymns was a balance of the old and traditional with a sprinkling of the modern and happy clappy.
Katie Oliver always kept the sermon short and sweet and never ever over egged the pudding as a result I always left St Lucy’s feeling invigorated and refreshed, that day was no exception.
There was always a coffee and mingle at the end where those who wanted to could chat and catch up with members of the congregation, we all did the rounds and then said our goodbyes, if the truth be told I could have gone around again having been laid up for a few days I was in the mood to socialise.
So as Judith, Victoria and I were leaving I said,
"Do you two need to rush off?"
"I don’t have any plans" Victoria replied
"No nor me" said Judith
"How about lunch then? At the Cross Keys?" I suggested "my treat"
"I’m on" chirped Victoria
"Me too" Judith said brightly
Just then we arrived at the door where the Vicar was seeing the faithful out the door
"What's he up to now?" she said to my companions
"Lunch" said Victoria
"Why don’t you join us?" I added "At the Cross Keys"
she looked blank for a moment as she processed the invitation almost as if she had been asked a question in English but had to translate it into German before she could answer.
"You know what? I would love too,” she said beaming
"I will have to meet you there though"
"No problem" I said and the three of us made our way through the village to the pub.
We had a very pleasant lunch and the Vicar was an absolute delight very down to earth and very witty.
I had obviously met her many times at the church, various local events and things like the soup kitchen but it was the first time we had socialised.
Victoria had earlier pencilled the Vicar in as a sherry drinker and she was shocked to the core when Katie asked for a pint of Guinness and when she noticed the look on Victoria’s face she said
"They don’t do it in half’s"
Victoria nodded understandingly in response, and then the penny dropped and she laughed
At the end of an excellent lunch Katie reluctantly declined a third pint of the black stuff stating that she had to prepare for the evening service.
We walked through the gate in the pleasant afternoon sunshine of a September Sunday when the Vicar paused
"Thank you for the lunch Simon” she said “But thank you so much all of you for the companionship"
Then she added
"No one ever invites me to the pub, and I do like a drink and a chat”
”We will bear that in mind for the future Vicar” I said
Judith and Victoria heartily agreed
When we reached the Vicarage thanks were muttered and immediately dismissed, cheeks were kissed and blessings exchanged.
Promises of doing it again soon were made and would not be broken.
I think she had genuinely enjoyed it I know the rest of us had and I’m sure that Judith and Victoria didn’t envy the Vicar having to spend the rest of the afternoon in preparation of that evening’s service any more than I did.
When the rest of us would soon be dosing off in our respective garden chairs and sleeping off our lunches.
I safely delivered my luncheon companions to their respective front doors, where cheeks were kissed etcetera.
Then I made it to mine where I made myself a coffee, which I took out into the garden, I placed it on the patio table and it wobbled so much that half of it spilt,
That table had never been the same since I had deflowered Georgia on it I thought to myself.
Then I parked my bum on my sun lounger and promptly fell asleep.
When I woke up the sun was setting fast and there was a chill in the air so I repaired inside and poured myself a scotch.
I then switched on my computer and set about catching up with my correspondence.
I had just opened the last unread email when there was a persistent knocking on the front door.
Between my study and the front door I had managed to turn into both my mother and my father as I tutted and muttered all the way.
When I opened the door I found an agitated Judith standing there with her dog Jake.
“Hello” I said surprised “is everything ok”?
“Come quick” she said and headed down the path.
“Hold on then let me get something on my feet” I said and briefly went back inside.
“Right what’s the problem”? I said when I emerged and rushed after Judith who was now almost out the gate
“It’s Maisie Stewart” she said
“Why what’s happened”? I asked
“I found her sobbing in the street” Judith answered, “She’s inconsolable, and…”
“And what?”
“She’s been beaten” Judith said sombrely
“What?” I said incredulously “who?”
“Her alcoholic mother hit her,” she said “hard”
“Where is she?” I demanded
“In the old cart lane” she answered “but she won’t come out”
We hurried off towards the old cart lane that ran up the side of Judith’s cottage.
There in the gloom sitting on the verge was the quivering figure of Maisie, her knees were drawn up to her chin and she was sobbing uncontrollably.
“You wait here” I said to Judith and started up the lane.
“Hey Maisie” I called
She looked up and as soon as she saw me she was on her feet and bowling towards me at a rate of knots.
She was still crying as she launched her self at me
“Oh Simon” she cried
“It’s alright, I’ve got you now” I said and I just let her sob into my shoulder.
After about five minutes she had calmed down considerably.
“Ok” I said, “let’s have a look at you”
Maisie had a bruise on her forehead and her right eye was badly swollen, she had a fat lip and her nose was bloodied, Mrs Stewart had given her daughter a real pasting.
“Right lets get you home” I said with a smile and her whole body went rigid and panic covered her face and her head was shaking.
“No baby not that home” I reassured her “my home”
I could see the relief cross her face instantly.
I took out my hanky and gently wiped away the blood, snot and tears from her face.
“Come on then and we’ll get you cleaned up”
“Ok” she said managing a week smile
“Do you want me to come too Simon?” Judith asked quietly
“Yes please” I said as I put my arm around Maisie’s shoulder and steered her slowly down the lane, but by the time we had reached the road she was managing to walk under her own steam and she continued to do so for the short distance from there to my front door.
When we reached the front door I opened it and let Maisie in
“I’m sorry” she said
“What for?”
“For being a nuisance” she replied
“Don’t be daft” I said and kissed the top of her head
“Now go through to the kitchen”
I looked over my shoulder to where Judith was fussing around the dog
“I’ll follow you in when I’ve tied Jake up” she said
“Don’t be silly, bring him in” I insisted “he’s no trouble”
Judith nodded and she and Jake followed me into the house.

In the sanctuary of the kitchen as Judith made coffee I got to work cleaning Maisie up and attending to the cuts on her face,
I asked
“Does this happen often”?
“No” she answered with a sniffle “she’s normally too drunk to catch me”
“What happened today?” Judith asked
“I fell over and she caught me” and she sniffled again while Judith shook her head
“She’ll be really sorry tomorrow” Maisie said defensively
“So she ought to be” Judith muttered with disgust.
“Why brought it on?” I asked “why did she want to hit you?”
“She wanted my money” she said “for booze”
“And did she get it?” I asked
“No” she said “because I don’t have any”
Her answer puzzled me somewhat because since I had intervened in her life she was always working, either with Frankie the gardener or Shula at the corner shop, odd jobbing for Victoria or mucking out at the Carrington’s stables and countless other odds and ends Maisie Stewart was a regular cottage industry and she never went anywhere to spend her earnings.
“How come?” I asked
“Shula opened a post office account for me, all my money goes in there” then she laughed “I’ve got loads”
“I take it your mum didn’t laugh” Judith said
“No” she said and put her hand to her swollen eye.
“I told her I didn’t have any money so then she wanted me to give her the book”
“But you didn’t” I added
“No” she said, “because I don’t have it”
This time she noticed the puzzlement on my face and added
“I gave it to Miss Braithwaite to look after”
“Clever girl” I said proudly “I assume that didn’t go down well”
“No, she went absolutely berserk and that was when I took my chance and got away”
“Good for you” Judith said and patted her back, which made Maisie wince and Judith immediately apologized.
“I’m sorry luvvie, did I hurt you?”
I pulled her shirt up and I could see the bruises immediately and I resolved at that moment that she would not be living under her mother’s roof for one more night.
Judith and I exchanged a look.
No one deserved to be treated that way but especially not Maisie.
“How about a long hot bath?” I suggested
“Oh yes please” she answered brightly “with bubbles?”
“Yes with bubbles and whatever other lotions and potions your heart desires”
It was amazing to think that a simple thing like a bubble bath could illicit such joy and it was simply heartbreaking that this hard working and good natured girl had been denied such a simple pleasure due to the short comings of her alcoholic mother.
I led Maisie and Judith upstairs to my bedroom and the en suite with the large Maisie length bath.
Not that Maisie needed to be shown the way she had bathed in there before.
I left Judith to take charge while I sorted out some clean clothes for her out of a pile of Cousin Molly’s that had accumulated over a number of visits.
They were both very different shapes but the clothes would do for now and there was something strangely arousing about a girl wearing another girls knickers.
I gave Judith the clean towels and put the clothes on the bed.
Judith took the towels into Maisie and I went downstairs, Judith followed a few moments later.
In the kitchen we sat silent at the table and continued to drink our coffee.
Judith finally broke the silence
“That poor girl’s body is black and blue Simon”
I nodded
“That woman should be locked up,” she continued
I nodded again
“So what are we going to do about it?” she said angrily “and don’t just nod your head”
I remained silent
“We have to do something”
“And we will” I said
“But what?” she pressed
“Well for one thing she’s not going back to her mothers”
“I agree,” she concurred “but where can she go, she can’t stay here”
“I know” I said “And I have a plan”
“Oh”
“I think you should let Victoria know what’s happened” I suggested, “She thinks a lot of Maisie”
“I know she does, but how will that help...” she began then as she slowly processed the input she continued to answerer her own query
“Yes I see what you’re getting at, that’s very clever, yes that could very well work”
Then she drained her coffee cup and stood up with a look of determination on her face
“Come on Jake” she called “We’re off on a mission”

It was another five minutes before Maisie reappeared looking altogether better.
The unburied sections of her face were pink and fresh; her hair was damp and tousled.
The clothes I sorted out for her fitted well enough though the trousers were a bit baggy around the bum.
I looked forward to telling Molly about how good those trousers looked on a smaller arse.
I imagine I might end up with a black eye if I did, the thought amused me though.
“Feeling a bit better now?” I asked her as i handed her a dressing gown
“Much” she said, “where’s Judith?”
“She’s gone to tell Victoria what happened” I said, “she worries about you, you know”
She went quiet
“Do you mind her knowing?” I asked
“Oh no I like Victoria she’s a really nice lady” she answered
Then she went quiet again
“What’s wrong?”
She just shrugged
“Come on, out with it”
“I don’t understand why you’re all so kind to me,” she said
I laughed
“Isn’t it obvious?” I said, “It’s because we like you”
And I gave her a hug
“Now then” I said, “have you eaten anything?”
“Yes Shula fed me at the shop”
“Good, how about some hot chocolate then”
“Yes please”
“Go and sit it the lounge then and I’ll bring it through”
“Ok thanks”
“Put the TV on if you want”
While I was boiling some milk there was a knock at the door,
I took it off the heat and went to answer it.
When I opened it Judith and Victoria were standing there.
“How is the poor girl?” Victoria asked with real concern
“Much better” I answered, “come in”
We went into the kitchen and while I finished making the hot chocolate I chatted to the ladies.
“I was beginning to wonder where you’d got to”
I said
“Well, we would have been quicker but Bruiser Braithwaite here wanted to go and smash Linda Stewarts face in”.
“Seriously?” I asked
Judith nodded and Victoria blushed
“I was a bit miffed” Victoria said
“What happened?”
“I persuaded her that it probably wasn’t the best course of action” Judith relayed
“And that Maisie should be our main concern at the moment”
“Quite right” I said pouring the hot milk into the waiting mug.
“Ok lets go and see her, She’s in the lounge, go through” I said and followed on with the hot chocolate.
When we arrived in the lounge we found Maisie fast asleep on the sofa.
I put the mug down briefly while I picked up a flowered throw Judith took it from me and covered the sleeping figure.
I then picked up the hot chocolate and all three of us tiptoed from the room.
In the kitchen Judith said
“Well that solves the problem of where she’s going to sleep”
“For tonight at least” I added
Victoria appeared lost in thought and said nothing.
Judith and I just exchanged a look and smiled.

When the ladies had left I finished the hot chocolate and patted myself on the back for my efforts.
The vicar would have been proud of my labours on Maisie’s behalf she would consider her one of my good works.
It gave me a good feeling to know I was helping her and making a difference.
The vicar would have a very different view of me and my actions if she ever found out I had deflowered Maisie Stewart, I smiled to myself as I played that particular conversation in my head.
I still had a slightly sinful grin on my face as I put my head round the door of the lounge and found Maisie still sleeping soundly so I took myself off to bed just as the rain began to fall.
It wasn’t long before the thunder rolled in and lighting flashes lit the sky, I was lying on my side with my back to the door and had a great view through the open curtains.
I had been in bed for maybe an hour drifting in and out of sleep when I heard the bedroom door slowly open and then close again.
I didn’t think much of it as I wasn’t one hundred percent sure if I had dreamt it or not.
Then I felt the covers move and I could hear the soft rustle of the sheets and the warmth of another body, the warmth of a naked body, a soft young naked body.
I could feel Maisie’s breath on my neck and her stiff little nipples pressing in my back and the fluff of her freshly laundered bush brushing against my buttocks and I got the oh too familiar stirring in my loins.
This rousing of the beast was not as a result my “doing good works” for the community this was strictly lust brought on by the knowledge that I had a naked girl in my bed.
“Hello Maisie” I said, “what are you doing here?”
“You left me all alone” she said “and the thunder frightened me”
She was pressed so close against me it was like I had a second skin.
“And did the thunder frighten you so much that all your clothes fell off?” I enquired
“No I took those off because I was hot” she lied
“Hmm, I think you’re a fibber and you should go back to your own bed”
“But Simon” she protested as she slid her hand across my skin and grasped my semi aroused cock
“He doesn’t want me to go”
I rolled onto my back as she stroked me to a full hard on.
“I think you’re a cheeky little minx” I retorted, “Who really deserves a spank”
She kissed me on the mouth and l knew I had lost the inner battle with my conscience.
“But as you’re already black and blue I’ll have to let you ravish me instead, I can always spank you another day”
Then she kissed me again this time with true conviction and plenty of tongue while her hand tugged on my shaft.
“I don’t think she’ll wait for foreplay,” I thought to myself
“She’s well and truly ready to go”
My suspicion was she had already started the party long before she crawled into my bed.
It wasn’t long after that, a matter of moments no more, she let go of my shaft and climbed on to it
She let out a long satisfying sigh as her hot creamy cunny encased my cock.
Maisie sat up in the saddle rising and falling on me and was much more confident and self assured than the last time she mounted and she was eliciting pleasurable moans from me to match her own
I took hold of her hips as she slid her syrupy pussy up and down my shaft
Her hands were on my chest and I gripped her piston like hips as she diligently applied herself to the task.
And as she neared her climax her delicious moans grew in intensity and she slumped forward until her head was on my chest
She groaned through gritted teeth as her pelvis thrusted towards the abyss.
I let my hands caress her slender young form as I too approached the point of no return

When we reached the frantic final thrusts Maisie was like a wild beast lost in the moment so I gripped her arse firmly and hung on for dear life before she screamed out in orgasm as I pulsed out my ejaculate inside her hot quim.
She collapsed on top of me and panted like a well-exercised spaniel while I stayed inside as her tight young cunny held my cock captive in the heart of her.
After about five minutes she climbed off me with a sigh and collapsed on the bed next to me.
She lay there with her right hand on my thigh, took hold of it in mine and held it for a minute or two before raising it to my nose so I could sniff her fingers.
As soon as she realised what I was doing she snatched her hand away.
“Don’t” she said
“I thought you’d started without me honey,” I said
“And I was right”
“You’re horrible” she said and turned her back to me.
I think had it not been dark I would have seen her whole body turn scarlet.
“I couldn’t help it” Maisie said,
”I couldn’t stop myself”
“I’m sorry honey” I said, “I didn’t mean to embarrass you”
She shrugged her shoulders
“I think it’s really sexy,” I said truthfully
“Really?” she asked
“Really” I affirmed
“Now turn over so we can have a proper cuddle”
She did so and immediately buried her face in my neck and there we lay for an indeterminate time before making love again.

Sunday, 19 August 2012

An Antidote To Writers Block (Part 19) Last Train To Clarksville

I had been to Swindon, God what a depressing statement that is when you say it out loud.
A wet miserable Wednesday in Swindon, a town famous for… what was Swindon famous for?
Now if that’s not enough to have you reaching for the Valium then this will, I had been to Swindon to attend a literary awards dinner.
I had been nominated in two categories and my agent insisted I should attend
“It’s a very good idea to go,” he said
“It will enhance your profile,” he added.
So I went but he was conspicuous by his absence.
Suffice is to say it was as boring as hell and I didn’t win.
I would ordinarily take full advantage of being away from home and ensconce my self in a decent hotel for the night with one of my favourite bedmates.
However on this occasion I was not able to accommodate any of the usual suspects so faced with the prospect of watching the porn channel while knocking one out or getting a train home and sleeping in my own bed.
I decided on the latter, I snook out of the dinner after my second failure to secure an award on the night and got a cab to the station.
It turns out, thanks to a poster in the waiting room, that Swindon’s only claim to fame is that it is the home of the Bodleian Library's book depository.
So the evening wasn’t a complete waste, Swindon was famous for housing someone else’s library.
Once on the train I knew that one of two things would happen, I would either fall asleep within minutes of the train departing the station or the motion of the train would give me a hard on.
As it turned out I got a hard on and then fell asleep, it was a fitful sleep full of erotic dreams, lusty dreams and just plain dirty dreams. The result of this was that I had a much larger erection when I awoke than when I dropped off.
The good news was that we were only about five minutes from Reading, I checked my watch and we would easily make the connection for Guildford.
Then we stopped at a signal and waited there for what seemed like an eternity.
When we eventually got going again it meant meeting my connection was going to be a very close shave indeed.
As the train pulled into Reading station it was raining hard, very hard.
Luckily the connecting train was still there on the adjacent platform but I heard whistles blowing so a quick sprint was necessary before I was on board and out of the damp again and with only seconds to spare before the train pulled out.
I was in the last carriage, which meant I would disembark at Guildford on the uncovered section of the platform.
This was easily remedied by walking through to another carriage further along, but I couldn’t be asked.
I made myself comfortable and was quite confident that I would sleep and dream away the thirty-five minute duration of the journey.
When a rain soaked figure in a blue hooded cagoule appeared dripping water everywhere including over me, which is when I turned into my mother and tutted loudly.
Then realising what they had done the figure turned round.
“I’m so sorry did I get you wet?” the figure said then continued with surprise
“Oh Simon”
I tried to recognise the owner of the voice but there was only a small circle of face visible and that had hair plastered to it and drops of rainwater dripping off their eye lashes.
It was definitely a girl, small and wet, I suppose it could equally have been a small, wet effeminate man but I didn’t think I knew any.
I didn’t have a clue who it was so I did the only thing left open to me.
“Hello” I said feebly
The figure unzipped their cagoule and removed the hood.
It was a short girl with straight brown hair and a rather plain, heavily freckled face, but quite lovely blue eyes, a cute nose and a thin-lipped smile, body shape undetermined due to a rather shapeless skirt and a baggy sweater.
The ensemble was completed by shabby black tights, which disappeared into scuffed size 3 shoes.
“Doreen” I said, “I didn’t recognize you”
I was going to say “so wet”
But I had seen her oh so wet once before on that very train.
When mousy little Doreen Clarke had pleasured herself in full view of my libidinous gaze.
She threw her wet cagoule down on the seat and was about to sit next to it when the train jerked and she fell into my lap but she quickly pushed back against me with her buttocks and scrambled to her feet which I took to mean she wasn’t in the mood to play on this trip.
“Sorry” she said and as she did so I was unable to detect the aroma of alcohol, which pervaded my nostrils on our last encounter.
Then the train lurched once more and she again fell against me.
Again she scrambled to her feet.
“Sorry” she said once more
Then again the train lurched and she fell into my lap
This time as she scrambled I tried to aid her ascent by grabbing her arse with the intention to push her up but instead I started caressing her arse feeling every inch of its curve then suddenly a renewed attempt to escape.
“Sorry” she said again
“Stop apologizing girl” I chastised her
And I sat her on the seat beside me
“I’m not sorry in the slightest; you have a very nice arse by the way”
“You shouldn’t say things like that,” she said blushing
“Why not? It’s true,” I said
Then I leant over and kissed her which at first she reciprocated with interest.
Then she stopped abruptly and looked around the carriage, it was much busier than our last meeting.
“Too many people eh”
She nodded
I stood up and led her around the bulkhead away from prying eyes and kissed her again a long deep liquid kiss with darting tongues, so much more electric than before and while my lips busied themselves my hands made in roads inside her sweater where I found another layer to contend with this time a cotton vest.
I must confess that I hadn’t come across a lot of vests; it is one area of apparel I had to admit that I lacked experience in.
But get “in” I had every intention of doing so quite undeterred my hands sought out her tits and found them braless and aroused beneath the cotton.
I was still figuring out how to get on the other side of her vest when the driver announced we were approaching Guildford station.
“That’s my stop,” she said
“Mine too” I said then added, “I don’t want to stop”
Doreen didn’t say anything but blushed scarlet which told me she didn’t want to stop either.
We returned to our seats and donned our coats.
Then as we were waiting for the doors to open Doreen said.
“I mustn’t miss the last train to Farncombe”
“Ok” I said resignedly
“It leaves in half an hour,” she continued with a sideways glance.
And I knew just what to do.
It was still lashing down with rain and added to that there was a violent thunderstorm accompanying it.
As soon as the doors opened everyone scurried for cover and the exit, except Doreen and I, we ran a little slower than the pack staying at our end of the platform.
Where around the corner of the first building, out of site and out of mind, was to be found the disabled toilet.
Normally we wouldn’t have made it unnoticed but with the weather being so bad only the station staff that absolutely had to be outside did indeed venture out and for the shortest possible time.
I opened the door to the disabled loo and once inside I closed and bolted the door.
The second the lock snapped I heard the rustle of Doreen’s cagoule as she threw it in the corner and then she began debagging me from behind and I had my trousers and pants around my ankles and her hands on my cock before I could blink.
I was still slipping out of my coat as Doreen steered me around so I was facing her where she could kiss me and grab my cock at the same time.
Mousy little Doreen had taken complete control of the situation, which was something I was quite unaccustomed too it was quite refreshing.
Nonetheless I reclaimed the initiative by lifting the diminutive Mouse up off the floor until she was standing on the toilet seat where she continued to kiss me while I yanked her shabby tights and cotton knickers down to her knees.
I slid my hands up the backs of her thighs until I reached the fleshy cheeks of her buttocks, which I caressed and kneaded before I seated her on the disabled handrail so I could completely remove her under things.
Then I sat on the toilet seat and that placed me perfectly between her white bony knees and I was about to sip from her furry cup when she pushed back my head.
“No time for that” she said taking the initiative again this time by climbing on to my lap.
She kissed me hard on the mouth as she impaled her hot cunny on my cock, her hot breath filling my mouth and she slid down on me.
I instantly set about getting in-between her and her vest, which only took a few seconds once I had tugged the vest from inside her waistband and I was soon rewarded for my efforts when I cupped her lovely breasts.
Doreen by that time had her arms wrapped tightly around my neck and was going about her task with relish, her mouth was now by my ear and she was moaning hoarsely.
All I could do at that point was to grasp at her buttocks and hang on for dear life as she pumped up and down, faster and faster, on my shaft.
“Oh Simon” Doreen whimpered as she moved towards the abyss.
I moved my hands up to her hips to control the rhythm.
She then gripped the support rail behind my head and through gritted teeth her moans grew louder and louder and louder
“Ohhhh god” she screamed and throwing back her head she pumped on me again and I came in her.
Again she pumped and again milking me of every drop.
“Ahhh” Doreen exclaimed as she wrapped herself around my neck again and kissed me.
We stayed like that for a minute or so then she was on the move.
“I have to go,” she said as she was climbing off of me.
She had all but released my cock from its syrupy tomb with my helmet barely encased between her lips when she slid back down me again.
Doreen repeated this joyful exercise three more times,
Each one accompanied by a wistful sigh, before she finally released my cock.
Then she leant forward and kissed me
“We will do this again, wont we?” she asked with a furrowed brow
“God yes” I replied instantly
Her plaintive frown was immediately replaced with a huge grin followed by a crimson blush.
I took hold of her pulling her face towards me and I kissed the eager lips in a long and tender embrace.
Then we quickly redressed and as we stood by the door a train pulled in to the station, I turned off the light and opened the door slightly as the passengers disembarked and there was just time for one last kiss in the darkness before emerging into the rain to join the end of throng of soggy scurrying passengers.
Once we reached the ticket barrier we were to split up, I would head through the barrier towards the taxi rank and she would take the footbridge to the next platform for the Farncombe train but as we reached the parting of the ways I said.
“Excuse me miss”
Doreen turned towards me with a startled look on her face
“Yes”
“I think you dropped this” I said and handed her a folded piece of paper.
“Oh yes thank you” she said taking my phone number with a smile before hurrying away.

An Antidote To Writers Block (Part 18) In An English Country Garden

The day had begun with my normal commando style stalking of Frankie the gardener and I managed to get my hands within inches of her bulbous breasts before she beat me away.
I then retreated back to my kitchen to await my afternoon session with young Jenny Smithson things were progressing very nicely indeed I had her stripped to the waist, her nipples misshapen and red from my attention, her leggings and knickers around her knees and I had just got two fingers into her cunny.
Then her mum phoned to tell her she had to return home at once because of a surprise visitor.
Well I don’t mind telling you I already had a visitor lined up for her, though granted there would have been little surprise.

So sporting a rather large hard on and with aching balls I went in search of fanny any fanny.
The good news was that Georgia had the afternoon off, the bad news was she was baby sitting her sisters.
I decided I would try elsewhere first.
Well after traipsing around the village for an hour my aching balls told me I should head to Georgia’s where I might at least get a hand job.

It was a glorious day and very hot, but not as hot I thought as the love of my life and a right little cracker Georgia Gregory.
I reached over the top and opened the latch and swung opened the back gate and walked in.
It was a nice garden, much nicer than mine, but then you get out of it what you put in, and the Gregory’s put a lot in.
Where as my garden is simply functional and I put absolutely nothing into it no effort is expended whatsoever.
All my efforts with regard to the garden went into trying to grope the gardener.
The Gregory’s on the other hand loved their garden and loved working in it and the result was there for all to see a delightful English country garden.
I could see Georgia immediately as I walked in she was on the deck lying on a sun lounger wearing a pink bikini.
She had her back to me and was lying on her side reading a magazine the curve of her hip to her waist was like a mountain slope.
Her brunette hair was tied back to reveal her neck and shoulders.
She was up on the decking which was located at the bottom of the garden, which was a real suntrap.
The garden sloped from there back to the house and was landscaped to form four distinct steps the decking being the highest the patio out side the lounge being the lowest.
The second tier was predominantly herbaceous plants and the third was laid to lawn.
Georgia’s two eight year old twin sisters were jumping in and out and splashing around in a paddling pool on the lawned area of the third tier.
I walked up behind her and said
“Hi Honey”
She turned and looked over her shoulder.
“Hi babe” Georgia said with surprise
“What are you doing here?”
I gave her a long wet kiss
“I was at a loose end,” I said
“I can well believe that there’s an end involved” Georgia said suspiciously and chuckled
“Nonsense” I said and kissed her again
Longer and more passionate this time and she was responding in kind.
Then I untied the string on her bikini and slipped my hand beneath it and cupped her tit.
“No stop” she said and pushed my hand away “the girls will see”
She tucked her tittie away again.
I looked down at the girls splashing around over the trellised fence that surrounded the deck, but only I could see them clearly.
At the level Georgia was lying at she could see them through the holes in the trellis but looking up from where the girls were they couldn’t see anything of us.
“They can’t see us from there” I said and un-cupped her again
“Are you sure?” she asked as I toyed with her stiff nipple
“Positive” I said then we kissed again.
I kept glancing through the trellis to make sure the girls kept their distance.
I leant over her and sucked on her proud peak while my right hand journeyed down across her belly she grabbed my hand just as my fingers reached the fabric of her bottoms.
“Are you sure?” she asked again
“Yes”
She released my hand and I proceeded into her pants through her thick lush bush toward the prize beyond.
“We shouldn’t” she said but her thighs parted anyway and my fingers slipped into her creamy gash,
Georgia moaned loudly then closed her thighs on my hand, and raised herself up to see if the girls had heard, but they were still playing happily.
She lay down and released her grip on my hand and I continued to frig her.
I was positioned behind her in such a way that I could fiddle with her fanny with my right hand and play with her tits with my left and look down at her wriggling squirming form as I played with her like an instrument rather like Rick Wakeman played his keyboards.
It wasn’t long before. I brought her to climax, as she approached she grabbed the hand that was fondling her breast and clamped it over her mouth and then she came.
After she unclamped my hand from her mouth she gasped out
“Oh Simon, I want you”
“Good” I said, “just stay there”
“But how can we?” she asked “I cant take my bikini off the girls will see”
“I’ll go up the leg honey,” I told her
“Can you do that?”
“Only if you really want me too”
“Do it, DO IT NOW,” she urged
First I shuffled to my right so I was at her business end adjusting my position by 45 degrees and then I released the eager beast from my trousers.
Georgia was still on her side so with my left hand I lifted her upper leg by the thigh and bending her leg at the knee I tucked her lower leg under my right arm holding her knee with my right hand.
Then with my left hand now free I pulled the gusset of her costume down to reveal her pink moist pussy.
Using the crease between her cheeks I guided my cock to its juicy destination.
"Oh that feels so good you filthy dirty bastard,” Georgia said as I penetrated her. "So good and so dirty"
She was not the first woman to express that particular sentiment.
With my hands now occupied elsewhere Georgia had grabbed a towel to stifled her moans as I repeatedly skewered her.
Her white knuckled hand gripped the frame as she thrashed about on the lounger with each of my deep penetrating entries of her syrupy quim.
Then as I shortened my stroke and increased tempo the lounger was skipping around on the deck, rattling and shaking
Then came the tell tale chimes of the ice cream van playing "colonel bogey" in a nearby street, after all nothing says come and get an ice-cream more than "Hitler has only got one ball".
Then suddenly her sisters were running up the garden
"ice cream. Ice cream" they called
"Just a minute kids" I shouted to them a little breathless,
then more quietly I said "I have to make your sister scream first.
Then Georgia screamed a loud muffled scream into her towel and a second later I erupted inside her and everything in the garden was lovely.
I withdrew my sticky shaft and she rolled onto her back her top was up around her neck and the crotch of her bottoms was still up the crease of her arse and her curly brown pubes were clearly visible as was her pink oozing pussy.
"That was so good" she said "and so bad" she almost purred,
I crawled around the lounger and climbed slowly to my feet mindful to keep everything from the waist down below the height of the trellis rail.
I dug around in my shorts pocket and brought out two, two pound coins which I tossed over the herbaceous border and landed them expertly on the lawn a few feet from the girls.
However as I extended my arm to perform this I almost delivered my semi hard cock over the rail as well.
Georgia grabbed it just in time
"Steady boy" she said
“That was close” I said and began putting my little warrior back in his box when Georgia said
"No don’t, not yet” and took it in her mouth
“Thank you Simon” the twins chimed in unison "do you want one"
"No thanks" I shouted back
“What about Georgia?”
“No Georgia’s fine” I replied
And to Georgia I added she’s creamy enough already.
What I thought was just some post coital playfulness on Georgias behalf became something altogether different as she sucked me up good and hard.
“You want to play some more?” I said
“Yesh” she replied smacking her lips "the twins will be at least ten minutes"
The she turned around to present me her half exposed arse and a very creamy cunny.
“Go up the leg again you dirty bastard”
So then I did her on the decking on all fours while her sisters went for ice cream.
Afterwards Georgia lay on the decking debauched and dishevelled with a look of smug satisfaction on her face.
“Now that’s what I call an afternoon off,” Georgia said with a sigh

An Antidote To Writers Block (Part 17) Jennifer Freckles

Unlike the eager self-confident Emily Gomez, her best friend
Jenny Smithson had not yet come to see me to receive her special birthday gift.
Even though I knew, from Emily’s pillow talk that she wanted to every bit as much as her friend had.
So that was why Jennifer Smithson was still a virgin nine days after her sixteenth birthday and I was beginning to think the whole summer would pass before I split her strawberry whiskers, so imagine my surprise when one bright august afternoon the lovely red haired Jenny crossed my path.

I had spent the morning playing a foursome with three of my favourite ladies Judith Hunt, Victoria Braithwaite and Pandora Parkinson-Brown.
Alas no opportunities arose for any alfresco dalliances but a very pleasant morning was spent nonetheless. Afterwards I lunched with the ladies at the club.
As we sat at a table Victoria said
“I can’t be late home today, Maisie's coming to help me tidy the attic”
“It must be important” Judith said, “If you’re going to cut your lunch short”
And we all laughed.
The Victoria said, “If truth be told I do rather look forward to the days Maisie comes to help me, she’s really such a nice girl and very good company”
Then Georgia came over to serve us
“Good afternoon ladies” and said to me
“Its nice to see you keeping such good company for a change” then to the ladies again “I hope he’s not leading you astray, he has such a lot of bad habits”
Victoria blushed and Pandora gave me a knowing smile.
Georgia then gave me a look that said just stick with the old birds and behave yourself.
What she didn’t know of course was just how badly two of these old birds could behave given very little encouragement.
So after a very nice lunch in very pleasant company, and feeling a little over indulged, I decided to forgo my usual short stroll across the 18th and headed off in the opposite direction for a constitutional.
Since moving to Bushy Down in January I had completely immersed myself in
Village life, apart from the Golf Club and the Church I was also persuaded to sit on the parish council, which I thought might be not unlike a scene from the “Vicar of Dibley” but in reality it was nothing of the sort and was actually quite rewarding.
I have also been press ganged into giving talks and live readings to the Women’s Institute, the Round Table and the Rotary Club et al.
I helped at the Summer Fete, numerous Fund raising events and Quiz nights and I had already been penciled in for duties at Halloween, bonfire night and Christmas.
I had taken to village life and the village seemed to have taken to me and not just the women and I always enjoyed my village walks immensely.
On this particular occasion I took a longer than usual walk owing to the larger than usual lunch I had consumed.

My extended walk took me right around the village and after about forty minutes I headed towards home.
Very soon I was approaching the old cart lane that led to the back of the cottage and that was when I saw Jenny coming the other way.
She had her strawberry red hair tied up which was mostly hidden beneath a broad floppy hat.
She was wearing a green bikini top and had a beach towel draped around her shoulders.
On her lower half was a floral sarong, which I presumed was hiding the partner to her bikini top.
And Jenny was clutching a garishly patterned bag to her middle and she was looking at her sandals as they were shuffling and scuffing down the lane.
To be honest she looked lost and lonely without her sidekick Emily.
Emily was the outgoing bubbly girl and Jenny rather lived in her shadow.
In many ways they were chalk and cheese, the dark skinned dusky and exotic Emily and the pale skinned peaches and cream Jenny.
I know I shouldn’t compare them but I find it hard not to.
Being that they came as a pair and were both of the same tender age.
They were after all the “flirty virgins” who teased and titillated me so well on that hot Sunday afternoon in May.
Arousing me to the point that I popped Georgia’s cherry on the patio table.
Emily was ultra confident, self-assured and pretty and she knew it.
Jenny was shy, socially awkward and full of self-doubt she was also pretty but had no idea of the fact.
Emily was the driving force in their friendship, bold and bubbly.
Being with her made Jenny feel more confident, daring to do things she would never do alone, living life on her coat tails and without her friend Jenny floundered.
Which was evidenced but the rather pathetically forlorn creature who was ambling towards me.
So it was then that I called out to her.
“Hi Jenny” I said
She almost jumped out of her skin
“Hello” she said blushing as she tried to catch her breath.
“Sorry I didn’t mean to scare you,” I said
“Its ok, I was miles away” Jenny said
“Are you missing Emily?” I asked
“Yes” she sighed “and she’s only been gone a few days”
She looked quite sad but hopefully from this chance meeting I might put a smile on those pale lips.
Jenny was fresh faced and make up free so I thought it truly was a serendipitous meeting which I had every intention of taking full advantage of.
Which is another way in which she differed from Emily,
Em didn’t do things by chance and if it had been her walking down that lane towards me it would be because she had planned it that way.
Not, by all accounts, that Jenny didn’t want it as bad as her friend did she just didn’t have the know how or the gumption to get it.
“But today fate has taken a hand” I thought to myself
“So what have you been up to?” I enquired
“A BBQ at aunt Jane’s” she answered, “I left early because I caught the sun a bit”
She lifted the towel off her shoulder so I could see.
“Oooh” I said “have you put something on it?”
Jenny shook her head
“That’s going to burn if you don’t,” I told her “come to mine”
“Ok” she said more cheerfully
And I took her back up the lane.
“You have the wrong complexion for sitting in the sun” I said
“I know,” she said with resignation
“With your lovely pale skin you need to stay in the shadows” I said.
She blushed at the compliment.
Although I was thinking that hopefully I could bring her metaphorically from the shadows to bathe in the light of lust.
I didn’t think it was going to be as easy as it was with her friend but it would happen.
I apologize again for the comparison but Emily came and sought me out on the very afternoon of her birthday, made up, perfumed and wearing special “bought for the occasion” matching lingerie.
I thought it would take a little more guile this time but faint heart never won fair maiden.
When we arrived at the house I showed her into the lounge, she’d never been in the house before.
I gently took the towel from her shoulders and threw it down on the sofa “lie down on the towel while I get the aftersun”
When I returned she was lying face down on the towel with her head and torso on the sofa and her legs stretched out on the footstool.
I knelt down on the floor next to the sofa and perused her pale young body.
Jenny had her head turn to one side and was facing away from me.
The sunburn was nowhere near as bad as it looked but I didn’t tell her that.
“This might hurt a little, but let me know if you want me to stop” I said
“Ok” she answered meekly.
I wondered at that point if she knew what I had in mind for her.
I squirted some cream on her back and began to gently rub in the lotion.
“How does that feel?” I asked
“Cool” she replied
I wasn’t trying to get her cool I wanted her to get her hot.
I rubbed some more.
“I need to undo your bikini top sweetie,” I said innocently “so I can properly apply the lotion”
“Ok” she said her voice breaking slightly
So I undid it and pulled it softy away from her skin and then I slowly rubbed in the surplus lotion until it was all worked in to her pale freckled skin like a long relaxing massage.
Then I squirted some more onto her, only this time instead of the middle of her back I deposited it on her shoulder blade so I would run down her side.
“Oops” I said and then followed the drip with my fingers, not trying to catch the drip, but rather following it or chasing it as it dribbled down her side and sought out her breast my hand pursued and I very quickly found my quarry.
Jenny let out a soft murmur as my hand reached inside her cup then she rolled her shoulder towards me giving me clear access to her plump little breast and I played with her rosebud and she murmured again, louder this time as I teased her nipple to erection.
When I had toyed and teased her nipple to distraction I returned my attentions to her torso.
I massage the lotion all the way from her shoulders down to her hips.
I loosened the knot on he sarong and uncovered her, and I was right about her bottoms they did match.
I continued the charade by massaging all the newly uncovered flesh from her hips right down to her ankles.
By the way she was fidgeting I knew it was time to pull down her bikini bottoms which I did slowly and deliberately her body stiffened and she lifted her hips ever so slightly off the sofa and the green fabric moved easily off her buttocks.
I had them off over her feet seconds later she uttered no protest.
.
Once I had her bottoms removed I slid my hands up her legs and massaged her tight firm buttocks then I pushed her legs slightly apart and slipped my fingertips into her moist crevice, again she uttered no protest.
Jenny wasn’t as vociferous as Emily she just buried her face in the towel and let out a series of low muffled moans and gasps but her lathery lips told me she was enjoying my fingering.
Then I pushed her thighs wide open until she was completely accessible to me and then I sipped from her fresh pink clamshell.
She squirmed as my tongue explored the petals of her pussy.
Had I not felt Jenny’s body go rigid or seen the evidence on her lip I would have known as even with her face buried in the folds of her towel I clearly heard her come.
I couldn’t then turn her over onto her back to deliver the coup de grace because of the sunburn.
So I supported her legs with one arm and pushed the footstool away with the other, then I lowered her legs, bending her body at the waist in the process until her knees were on the floor.
This presented her round white bottom to me, and more importantly the moist pink lips of her cunny.
Now it was time to release the beast in my shorts and when I had the swollen stalk in my hand, helmet exposed ready for action I thought to myself that hiding her face in her towel wouldn’t disguise her moans when this penetrated her.
So I grasped her hips firmly and pulled her onto me until my cock was deep into her tight young pussy and Jenny gave a little squeal of delight as I added another cherry to my collection.
It didn’t take long until she had come again as I gave her one long satisfying stroke after another.
And by the time I had got onto the short strokes Jenny squeaked on each inward motion until I brought her to her final climax when I shot.
Jenny lay there, my cock still inside her, quivering and sighing repeatedly through her towel.
She sighed even louder when I withdrew from her pussy.
Jen wouldn’t get up and dress with me in the room even after I’d defiled her so I left her to sort her self out and went in the kitchen to make a drink.
As I sat there in the kitchen I thought to myself Jenny wasn’t a natural like Emily was and she would require a lot ore tutorage but it would be worth it in the end because she had a fine body in several ways better than her friend.
Jenny shuffled into the kitchen still doing up her sarong and I could see the dark green patch on the crotch of her bottoms, “better put those straight in the wash” I thought.
When she finally looked up at me she went immediately scarlet and turned away.
I grabbed her arm and pulled her towards me and she buried her face in my chest and held onto me like a vice.
“I can’t believe you’re still shy” I said “after what we just did”
Jenny didn’t answer
“Well you’ll have to come out if you want a kiss,” I added
“A kiss?” Came a muffled query
“I must have a kiss” I insisted “As a reward”
Reluctantly her head emerged from my chest but she still didn’t raise her eyes to look at me.
I put my hand on her chin and lifted it up and then I put my lips to hers and so began a rather lengthy and surprisingly enjoyable kiss. In fact in that regard she was definitely better than Emily.
“That’s better” I said “very nice”
Jenny blushed and giggled.

As we sat and drank our tea I said to Jenny
“I think while Emily is away we should try to do something to keep your mind occupied, which might also help your shyness”
She giggled
So it was agreed that rather than mope about missing Emily we should do something a little more productive.
Jenny would come to the cottage every afternoon at 2pm to further her sexual education.

War Tales

ALONG AN A WAR-TORN ROAD

Weary leaden footsteps
Tramp the war-torn road
Ragged with fatigue
The endless serried ranks
Of weary ragged lads
Stout of heart
March, not in retreat
But ever onward to the foe

BOMBER COMMAND

At last they are remembered
In marble and bronze
In Green Park they stand
The forgotten band of brothers
Silent yet speaking aloud
Of honours unsung
These brave men
Held in contempt
By the very politicians
Who sent them to their deaths
Shunned by Churchill
In the cold light of peace
These forgotten heroes
Of an unpopular campaign
These warriors on the wing
They didn’t question
They didn’t ask why us
They went where they were sent
And half never returned

IN LESS THAN A GENERATION

At the start of World War II
Americans crossed into Canada
To join the war
Because they thought it right

Twenty years later
Americans crossed into Canada
To avoid the war
Because they didn’t want to fight

Lusty Stuff

THE GIRL IN THE ONE-PIECE DRESS

The girl in the one-piece dress
Figure hugging
Seamless and crease free
Smooth and fluid
A curvy lass
No bones showed through
Everything moved in unison
Smooth as liquid silk
In fact the contents of that dress
Seemed not to be a solid
So fluid was the movement

DISH OF THE DAY – EMILY

Sweet, sweet Emily
My sweet confection
With Demerara skin
A honeyed morsel
Wrapped in white silk

Just visible beneath
Her pristine shirt
Tantalising the senses
Are the chocolate peaks
Of plump brown muffins

Sweet caramel delights
Perfectly formed
In provocative silhouette
To whet the appetite
Sweet, sweet Emily
My sweet confection
My favourite desert

PRETTY GIRL ON A BICYCLE # 1

Pretty Girl on a bicycle
In a summer dress
Stood up on the pedals
To make better progress
And get her up the hill
Her dress billowed in the breeze
And to universal delight
Showed a view above the knees

THE LOVELY LADY ELEANOR

The lovely lady Eleanor
A pretty young woman
A sweet dusky maiden
With luscious skin the shade
Of molten chocolate

With an Exotic scent
That makes your head spin
And your pulse race
And leaves you dizzy with delight

Her sweet Angelic face,
Is heavenly framed,
With rich soft curls,
Shiny like a raven’s wing
And black as jet

Her soulful eyes
Brown like burnt sugar
Are warm and inviting
With a hypnotic quality

Her exquisite nose is small
And button like
The perfect punctuation
For her Demerara lips,
Which are softly moist
And have a constant smile
Playing around them
And when she unleashes
A full-bodied beam
Her whole face lights up
Bright enough to dazzle a star
Making her dark eyes
Seductively beguile

Elegant lady Eleanor
Gracile like a cat
Playful as a kitten
Unintentionally coy
Unambiguously sweet

Delicately limbed
Lithe and lissom
With dainty hands and feet,
Small like a child’s

She holds her head high
With assurance and confidence
On her swan like neck
Which sits symmetrically on
Sculptured shoulders
Atop a sleek slender frame
With a tiny waist
And narrow hips
Small round buttocks
Almost like a boys
And her braless breasts
Small and pert
Sit in perfect parity,
Nipples sensually erect

Unimaginably she is
Unaware of her allure
Oblivious to her beauty
Sceptical of any appeal
Incredibly she doesn’t see
The woman she has become
The woman she has been
She has come of age
And is at ease with herself
She is in no hurry
To squander her innocence
Her virginity will not be lost casually

Perhaps the most wondrous thing
Is that she will not recognise herself
From my descriptions
She will think it is a stranger
Which all adds to the wonderful whole
That is the lovely lady Eleanor

PRETTY GIRL ON A BICYCLE # 2

Pretty Girl on a bicycle
In a summer dress
Leaning over the handle bars
To make better progress
When gravity intervened
As if in answer to a prayer
And presented to the viewer
The most perfect pair

WHEN I WALKED INTO THE ROOM I SAW HER

When I walked into the room
I saw her, wearing her favourite
Fleecy dressing gown
Curled up in the big arm chair
Her little feet tucked beneath her
And she was hugging a cushion
Almost as big as she
Her tiny frame
Was almost lost
In the over stuffed chair
And instantly an unabated
Wave of love washed over me
And I immediately wanted her

She was such a scrawny little thing
Barely a hundred pounds
Soaking wet
And I had seen her that way
Many times
But I loved her totally
With every fibre of my being
We had been married
For ten years now
And still she excited me
Making love to her was electric
It was like being plugged into the national grid
From the first time to the last
She was just the sexiest girl I’d ever seen

I stood over her
And stared down at her
For the longest time
She was sleeping so soundly
I didn’t really want to wake her
I should have let her sleep
But she would not have thanked me
In fact she would have been miffed
So I knelt beside her
And roused her gently
And as she stirred from her slumber
Her eyes opened and then widened
When she saw me
And she smiled me that come to bed smile
“I waited up for you
Because I’m feeling fruity”
So my sexy girl was roused and aroused
So I took her in my arms
And carried her to bed

DISH OF THE DAY – JENNIFER

Jennifer, Jennifer
A savoury dish
Made in her mothers image
To her mothers recipe
Just younger and fresher
A very delicate dish
Skin cool white
Pale then lips
Eyes eager and expressive
Plump of breast
Round rumped
Slender limbed
Tender loined
Succulent and moist
Very definitely
A perfect starter

DISH OF THE DAY - VIRGINIA

Dear Virginia
No longer the gawky girl
Awkward and ungainly
Self conscious and ill at ease
Virginia has come of age
And is in full bloom
Once the ugly duckling
Now magnificently dressed
For sumptuous dining
Fit to adorn any table
Well-toned limbs
Golden skinned
And plump breasted
With legs invitingly trussed
Tender and succulent
A main course to suit any palate
To be savoured and devoured

JUST ENOUGH

She leant forward,
Bending at the waist,
Just enough
To tighten the fabric
Of her jeans
Shaping and defining
Her buttocks
To pert perfection
Then she leant a little further
Just enough
To expose some dusky flesh
And above her waistband
The merest glimpse
Of pale pink panties
With white lace trim
Showing seductively
Against her dusky skin
Then she straightened up
And turned towards me
Glancing in my direction
She knew I was watching
And she leant forward,
Bending at the waist,
Just enough
To fill her gaping blouse
Her breasts sitting
In pert perfection
Round and full
Encased in pink cups
With white lace trim
Showing seductively
Against her dusky skin
A hint of nipple
A glimpse of areola
Just enough
Through the tight fabric
Deliciously defined
Then she straightened up
Looking towards me
Smiling in my direction
Knowing I was watching
And liking it

PRETTY GIRL ON A BICYCLE # 3

Pretty Girl on a bicycle
In a low cut top
Whose baps almost popped out
I didn’t think they’d stop

They were such nice ones
And they were just there
So what else could I do
Except stand and stare

It was only a brief delight
Which I thought would suffice
She smiled and shook her head
As she saw me say “very nice”
Then she rode up the road
But was back in a trice

PRETTY GIRL ON A BICYCLE # 4

Pretty Girl on a bicycle
In a low cut top
Whose baps almost popped out
I didn’t think they’d stop

She saw me looking
Smiled and shook her head
I smiled back, gave a shrug
To say “enough said”

The Natural World

WHEN THE WIND IS IN THE EAST

When the wind is in the east,
Is the time I like the least
When the wind is in the east,
Then winter has been unleashed

WHEN MOTHER NATURE DONS

When Mother Nature dons
Her spring gown of splendour
She decorates with beauties
Normally reserved for heaven
And bestows upon the earth
Those perfect gifts from God

DAYS OUT ON THE WATER

Days out on the water
Windswept with rime
Watery sunshine above a
Putty coloured sea
As I sailed the estuary
With dad at the helm

WHEN THE WIND IS IN THE NORTH

When the wind is in the north,
It blows me back and forth
When the wind is in the north,
I stay indoors thenceforth

THE FIERCE AUTUMN GALES

The fierce autumn gales
Howl all through the night
Whipping up the seas
And turning wave tops white
The pour souls at sea
On the dark autumnal night
In the teeth of the tempest
Feel its savage bite
And pray to their gods
To save them from their plight
As the gale blows through
On the dark autumnal night

THE SKIES OF ENDLESS AZURE

The skies of endless azure
Stretch to the distant horizon
And in fond embrace they kiss
The iridescent blue ocean

WHEN THE WIND IS IN THE SOUTH

When the wind is in the south,
And the sun is in the sky
This is the time I like most well
And my spirits are very high

RICH TROPICAL SCENTS FILL THE AIR

Rich tropical scents fill the air
And are carried on the breeze
As the waters of the pacific
Lap at the sands of perfect white

THE SCENTED TROPICAL BREEZE

The scented tropical breeze
Blows offshore, gently
Carrying exotic fragrances
Of paradise out to sea

WHEN THE WIND IS IN THE WEST

When the wind is in the west,
Is the time I like the best
When the wind is in the west,
I know I can shed my vest

Variety

IN THE QUIET MOMENTS

In the quiet moments
I can’t remember my fathers face
I try and try but it escapes me
It seems to shift in my minds eye
Snippets of familiarity
Many facets blurring into one
Almost pixelated image
Until now I’ve never understood why
Its because in my memory
He had more than one face
There was the proud father face
The joyful Christmas morning face
The grumpy morning after face
The scolding face
The smiling face
The sad face
And for each of these faces
As we both grew older
There were age groups
He had to many faces to remember just one
So now when I want to see his face
I think of a situation and there he is
SHORT IN STATURE

Short in stature
Tall in stories
Short in grace
Long in charm
Slow in speech
Quick in boast
High in pride
Low in humility
Quick to brag
Slow in denial
Quick to arrive
Slow to leave
Slow to enamour
Quick to bore
Slow on the uptake
Quick out the door
PATRON SAINTS DAYS

St Patrick’s day
Is celebrated every where
“I’m Irish and I’m proud”
They loudly declare

The media never hesitate
To show the people celebrate

Endless Displays of flags and emblems
Accompany patriotic anthems

St Andrew’s day,
Wearing thistle bold,
Is marked with Scottish pride
By young and old

The media never hesitate
To show the people celebrate

Endless Displays of flags and emblems
Accompany patriotic anthems

St David’s day
Resplendent with daffodil
Is marked more soberly
Yet is celebrated still

The media never hesitate
To show the people celebrate

Endless Displays of flags and emblems
Accompany patriotic anthems

St George’s day
Comes and goes
When is it marked?
Nobody knows

The media never hesitate
To ignore attempts to celebrate

With no displays of flags and emblems
Accompanying un-played patriotic anthems

ST GEORGES DAY

Don’t bang the drum
Don’t raise a cheer
The liberals might hear
St George’s day
Must pass unnoticed
Uncelebrated
Unheeded
St George
Must remain
Unheralded
No fanfare
No flags unfurled
Lest we fall foul
Of patriotism
Or jingoism
There must be
No displays
Of Patriotic fervour
Or English pride
We must play it down
Let it pass
Lest we offend
After all this is England

LIKENED TO MY DAD

All my life, I’ve been
Likened to my Dad
A chip off the old block
Birds of a feather
Two sides of the same coin
And just the other day
I was asked
How are you different to your Dad?
I replied that I hoped
In as fewer ways as possible

Spiritual # 2

THE GOOD BOOK

The good book
A trusty tome
Full of comfort and succour
Hope and salvation
A reliable companion
A stalwart in adversity
A true bestseller
Sometimes contentious
Often misquoted
Frequently misused,
The devout and the atheist
Quote in equal measure
From its voluminous pages
They scour and pillage
Cherry picked passages
To support a particular stance
At times it can even satisfy
Both sides of the same argument
Inclusive and accessible to all
In the right hands
It illuminates and empowers
In the wrong hands
It divides and imposes
The bible in truth
Is full of ambiguities
And numerous contradictions
But most important of all
It contains essential truths

I DIDN’T SAY WHY ME?

When I was first diagnosed
I didn’t say why me?
I didn’t blame God
I didn’t curse him
Or hate him
Or ask the question
Why me Lord?
All my life
I have been blessed
And when good things
Happened in my life
I didn’t say “why me?”

I HAVE ALWAYS HAD FAITH

I have always had faith
An unaccountable
Unshakable faith
But only in God
My faith in him
Was a constant
The only constant
In an uncertain world

It was the Church
I had no truck with
My faith did not extend
To the institution
Of the Church
Or its instruments
Its rituals and
Mechanisms of control

I have no issue with
The Church family
Well meaning folk
One and all
Doing the great things
And the small with equal relish
They are just not for me

I chose to worship alone
Just me and my God
My Church was a quiet wood
My Cathedral a hill top

So to stand before the cross
In the old Chapel
Was a departure for me
A departure from the norm
But exceptional circumstances
Called for exceptional measures
It was an old place
An ancient place
A powerful place
A conduit to God
To amplify my faith

So I fell to my knees
In the ancient chapel
Humbling myself
Before my God
And I prayed

THE CHOIRS OF HEAVENLY HOSTS

The Choirs of Heavenly hosts
The angels, Archangels
Principalities and Authorities
The Virtues, Dominions,
Thrones or Orphanim
The Cherubim and Seraphim
The Holy Spirit
My lord Jesus Christ
And the Heavenly Father
Protect me all my days

The Love Selection # 10

WHEN THE SUMMER EVENING FALLS

When the summer evening falls
The melodic nightingale calls
This is also the lover’s time
And the perpetrators of crime
Then at the passing of the night
Lovers take cover criminals take flight

SILVER MOON ABOVE MOUNTAIN BLUE

Silver moon above mountain blue
Is there another looking at you?
Shooting star flashing across the sky
Is there another asking you why?
It is my love wishing on that star
I will find you wherever you are

I WANTED HER TO STAY IN MY ARMS

I wanted her
To stay in my arms
To be my girl for ever
But her feelings for me
Evaporated like mist
In the heat of the sun
Leaving only shadowy memories
Of passions passed
And i am alone
Unable to cry the tears
I just keep asking why
But in the hollow void
Of my empty heart
Only silence echo’s

SKIPPING STONES ACROSS THE BLUE

Skipping stones across the blue
Sharing holiday laughter and fun
When amidst the joyful splashing
It hit me like a bullet from a gun
Why was I playing childish games?
With a girl who was built to stun
So I looked at her and smiled
Took her hand and called her Hon
Then we walked barefoot in the surf
Holding hands beneath the sun
On a day neither of us would forget
When our first love had begun

IT HAPPENS AGAIN AND AGAIN # 2

It happens again and again
A simple smile and I dare to chance
That this might be the one
But alas no it’s a familiar dance

WHEN THE BURNING SUN SINKS LOW

When the burning sun sinks low
Setting the western sky aglow
And the evening shadows grow
This is the time of the amorous beau

Wednesday, 8 August 2012

A Humourous Selection # 22

HOW OLD WAS YOUR HUSBAND?

“How old was your husband?”
Asked the undertaker
“He was “96,” she replied
“I’m two years older”

“Wow! So you’re 98
That’s amazing Mrs Boone”
Then he continued
“I will see you again quite soon”

ON OUR WEDDING NIGHT I SAID

On our wedding night
I said to my new wife
I’m going ruin you
I’ll suck the life
Out of your lovely tits
And shag your brains out
Fifty years later
I’d say that was a good shout

TWO MEN WERE TALKING IN A BAR

Two men were talking in a bar
One man asked the other one
“Do you ever look at your wife’s face?
When you’re giving her one”

“I did once and saw the anger in her face
It made me shrivel up down below”
“Why anger?” Asked the other man
“Because she was watching through the window”

MUM YOU HAVE TO HELP ME

“Mum, Mum you have to help me,
My husband Billy
He’s running around the house
Screaming hysterically
With blood dripping out of him
And I can see his brain”
“Ok don’t panic, take a deep breath
And then shoot him again”

A MAN AND WOMAN WERE TALKING

A man and woman were talking
When the man asked her a question
“You know men have many terms
For the act of male masturbation?
A hand shandy, choking the chicken
A knuckle shuffle, Jerking off
Beating the meat, having a tug
Bashing the bishop, Jacking off
Glopping or pulling the pudding
Knocking one out, having a wank
Performing an organ solo
Or giving the monkey a spank”
“Well that’s because men are pigs”
She replied in a disgusted scoff
So what do women call female masturbation
She replied, “Finishing off”

HI, I’M JOHN

“Hi, I’m John” the caller said
“Am I speaking with Donnie?”
He was a call center dude
The original foreign Johnny

ONE MONDAY MORNING TWO GUYS

One Monday morning two guys
Were talking in the coffee room
One had that Monday morning feeling
The other had no such gloom

“What are you so happy about?”
The misery asked his friend
“Well as a matter of fact I had
The most fantastic weekend”

“You know I live by the railway?
Well on my way home Friday night
I noticed a girl tied to the tracks
At first it gave me a bit of a fright”

“But I rescued the damsel in distress
Just like a Hollywood movie hero
And took her back to my place
Where one thing led to another you know”

“And we made love all weekend
In every position you can name
In every room, we did the lot
Then we did it all over again”

“That’s what I’m so happy about?”
“You lucky swine” his friend said
“Was she pretty, was she a looker”?
“I don’t know I never found her head”

I ASKED MY BROTHER WHY HE WAS SO FAT

I asked my brother why he was so fat
I think perhaps that was a mistake
Because he said, “every time I shag your wife
She gives me a slice of cake

THE MOMENT I ENTERED HER

The moment I entered her
I felt reasonable sure
I’d either just broken her hymen
Or she still had her tights on

THREE CHILDREN SLIDING ON THE ICE

Three children sliding on the ice
Fell on their bottoms once or twice
Three children sliding on the ice
How they enjoyed the slippery device
Until based on health and safety advice
The caretaker ruined it in a trice

WHEN THE CHILDREN WERE YOUNG

When the children were young
They just gave me a headache
Now that they’re older
They are more of a heartache

GIVE A MAN A FISH

Give a man a fish
And you’ll feed him for a day
Teach him to use the Net
And he’ll order a takeaway

A Humourous Selection # 21

SCRATCH GOLFER

I am a scratch golfer
And what that means my lad
Is I write down all my good scores
And scratch out the bad

POLISH EYE TEST

A Polish man went to the optician
He’d not had an eye test before
The optician pointed and said
"Can you read the card on the door?"
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied
“That’s the name of my brother in law”

I WAS ASKED THE OTHER DAY

I was asked the other day
If i knew of a divine ruler
I said no but I did have
A rather sweet tape measure

NEWS FLASH

News flash:
Wrinkles don't hurt.
That’s the buzz
It’s knowing that
You have them
That does

OCTOGENARIAN CUDDLE

Eighty-year-old Ada
Said to husband Hugh
Cuddle up to me
Like you used to do

So he did and she said
“That’s lovely dear”
Then she said to him
“Now nibble my ear”

And he got out of bed
"Where are you goin’?"
She asked her husband
"To put me teeth back in!"

ON THE TITANIC

The most popular drink on the Titanic
Was not served with a lemon slice
Nor with an olive or a soda splash
It was simply served with lots of ice

ON THE CONCORDIA

The most popular drink on the Concordia
As it was approaching the docks
You might be surprised to know
Was served on the rocks

THERE’S LIFE IN THIS OLD DOG YET

There’s life in this old dog yet
I don’t even think about my age
Once a week me and my friends
Go out and paint the town beige

GREAT DEPRESSION

I have been diagnosed with depression
But I won’t let it beat me
I have been on the Internet
And I’ve found the treatment for me
It’s the 18 step plan
And I start on the first tee

YEARS AGO I BOUGHT A CAR

Years ago I bought a car
Second hand, not new
It was a Chrysler Alpine
In Metallic electric blue
Top of the line
With head light washer wipers
Velour upholstery
All round Electric winders
It was a lovely thing
Oozing aesthetic beauty
So naturally I coughed up
All of my hard earned booty
That was when I found out
I’d dropped a clanger
My lovely luxury car
Was in fact an old banger
It should have taught me
A lesson about life
But I made the same mistake
When I married my wife

A Humourous Selection # 20

CALL CENTER MODE EVEN MORE

One day Bimbette was having trouble
With her computer,
So she decided to try the call center
At a time that would suit her

"Hello how can I help you?"
Said the tech support guy
“I’m trying to write my first email”
Was Bimbettes reply

“Ok?” Said the tech support guy
“Well, I have the 'a' in the address ok
But I can’t get the circle around it
And I’ve been trying all day”

WHEN YOU’VE FOUND YOUR PERFECT OTHER

When you’ve found your perfect other
Don’t allow yourself to be hesitative
And don’t judge the woman you love
By the disposition of her relatives

WHEN YOU ARE DROWNING

When you are drowning
In a sea of despair
Swamped by poverty
Weighted down by apathy
No one is going to pull you out
Unless you reach up a hand

SHE IS BEAUTIFUL WITHOUT DOUBT

She is beautiful without doubt
But the one thing I cannot tell
Is whether she has more sense
Than just her sense of smell

COME AND FEEL SOMETHING SURPRISING

Come and feel something surprising
Its throbbing fit to burst
Well I did mean feel my pulse
But we can certainly start there first

YOU’RE NO LONGER ABLE TO BRAG

You’re no longer able to brag
About being a lean piece of scrag
Now your looks have started to flag
And your bits have started to sag
Now your arse has started to drag
You’ve turned into an old bag

GIVE ME A RIGOROUS EXAM

Give me a rigorous exam
Oh won’t you please nurse Pam
You can be a rough Madam
Poke me and prod me, then wham
You can take me as I am
Or you can cover me in jam
I don’t give a damn
As long as I get nurse Pam

I WAS DRIVING ALONG THE DUAL CARRIAGEWAY

I was driving along the dual carriageway
When my boss phoned me
And told me I was being promoted
It came out of the blue and surprised me
It came as such a shock
That I swerved the car quite violently

A little further along the dual carriageway
And my boss phoned me again
And told me along with the promotion
Came a very nice financial gain
It came as such a shock
That I swerved the car violently again

A little further along the dual carriageway
And my boss phoned to tell me
And told me along with the promotion
Came the executive washroom key
It came as such a shock
That I again swerved the car violently

My boss phoned further down the carriageway
And I answered in hands free mode
And told me along with the promotion
I was to receive the penthouse code
It came as such a shock
I swerved and careered off the road

DRUNK DRIVING

He was driving home,
Shit faced drunk
Pissed as a cricket
Drunk as a skunk

Suddenly he swerved
To avoid a tree,
Then another, then another.
Then another tree

The police stopped him
For driving erratically
“Having a little trouble”?
The cop asked sarcastically

The drunk told the cop
About the trees everywhere
The cop just pointed
To the air freshener hanging there

LAZARUS PILL # 2

I have pills to slow me down
And more to perk me up
I have one that helps me sleep
And one that helps me tup