A Humourous Selection # 2

MY 50TH

My 50th was approaching
A milestone for us males
I’d dropped loads of hints
Because hinting never fails
“I want something new and shiny,
And for further details,
Go from 0 to 150
And all that that entails”
Well she went and bought me
A new set of bathroom scales

MAYDAY MODE

"Mayday, Mayday. SOS, Mayday
My pilot has had a heart attack and died
Can anybody out there hear me?”
The panicky blonde passenger cried

Suddenly a voice comes over the radio
And spoke with reassuring charm
“Just relax; I’m going to talk you down
But it’s important that you stay calm”

“Just give me your height and position
And then we’ll get you down from there”
“Well if you really need to know I'm 5'1"
And I'm sitting in the pilot’s chair."

The radio went silent like for a moment
As if they’d gone completely off the air
Then the voice from the tower returned
“Do you know the Lords prayer?”

ON THE ROCKS

Vodka with ice is bad for you
Rum with ice is bad for you
Whiskey with ice is bad for you
Gin with ice is bad for you
I think we should refrain
From using ice, don’t you

DON’T MAKE A SPECTACLE OF YOURSELF

If you walk into everything
Because your eyesight is chronic
Then the next thing you should do
Is walk in to the walk in clinic

NAMING THE CONSTABULARY

Since the days of the bow street runners
When they numbered but a few
There have been slang names
For our wonderful boys in blue

From the old bill and lily law
To the filth, pigs and Bobbies
The fuzz, the plod and the Rozzers
To the Peelers, Coppers and Bizzies

This is just the tip of the ice berg
There are many more I know
I find some of the modern ones
Just a little absurd though

I get the cultural reference
In calling the police 5 0
But I think it’s a bit pre school
Calling the police the Po Po

WIND IN THE WILLOWS # 1

Ratty the water vole
And his friend Mr Mole
Buried Toad deep in a hole

MURDER SQUAD

The police, investigating a series of horrific murders
Appear to be out manoeuvred at every turn
All the victims were stabbed with knitting needles
Are the only details they’ve been able to discern
But even with such disappointing progress
They believe the killer maybe following a pattern

HEALTHY EATING

I’m trying to eat more healthily
Because you really can’t beat it
But when I buy rocket salad
It goes off before I can eat it

MENOPAUSAL MODE

Bimbette went home to see her mum
And found her acting quite funny
She was sat on the dining room floor
And appeared to be counting her money

But it was all coins of copper and silver
Then she started crying which was strange
Having never seen her like this, she asked
"Mum are you going through the change?"

CITIZENSHIP TEST

I have had an idea
For a citizenship test
And based on the success
Of this quest
The asylum application
Result should rest

The test would begin
With a long queue
That stretches away
Out of view
And that is all
That they’d have to do

Stand in a queue
Without knowing
The reason why
Or where it was going
And by this their
British-ness is showing

But if they fail
If they break ranks
Then that’s it
They’ve drawn blanks
And its good bye
And no thanks