SEX AND RELATIONSHIPS

DATING PREMISE

When a man puts on his cologne
And a woman puts on perfume
The intention is not primarily
To smell each other I presume

THE MORNING AFTER

After a wild drunken night
Of drink, drugs and animal sex
I awoke the next morning
And after finding my specs
I realised I was in bed
With the ugliest of women
And made a resigned sigh
Knowing I’d made it home then

CANT LIVE WITHOUT VIV

I really love my new girlfriend
I think she came to me from heaven
And I never want to be with out her
So I’m going to oblivion with Vivian

LIFE LESSON

When I was young, life was full of riches
Then I discovered women could be bitches
And some even gave you embarrassing itches

IT’S NOT HIP

Don’t get your hip tattooed
Because at the risk of being rude
It doesn’t look cool or chic
And it’ll make you look cheap

THE TROUBLE WITH FLIES

Flies spread many diseases
That are diagnosed
So for the sake of public health
Keep yours closed

FALLEN FROM GRACE

When the Vicar and the fallen woman
Were discovered in embrace, I was shocked
Then afterwards the woman was denounced
And the amorous clergymen was defrocked
But I should say that the word on the ground
Is, we’d have liked it better the other way round


IF YOU WERE ASKED THE QUESTION # 1

If you were asked the question
How do you get a big girl into bed?
Would you try to be PC?
Or say “A piece of cake” instead

I DIDN’T KNOW MISS WORLD WAS IN TOWN AGAIN

If you have begun to tire
Of being the object of men’s desire
Not of being attractive per se
But of being hit on every day
But short of becoming reclusive
Which is of course not conducive
There is little to do but improvise
And swat the insects like they are flies

THE STICK INSECT

My sister is very thin
In fact she’s a stick insect
Straight up and down
Viewed from any aspect
If she didn’t wear glasses
Before embracing
No one would know
Which way she was facing

MY MAN IS MY BEST FRIEND

My man is my best friend
He listens to me,
Enables me,
Reassures me,
Inspires me,
He makes me feel special
He makes me feel sexy
He understands me
He is in touch with my feelings
My man is my best friend?
Is he bollocks
Gordon’s is my best friend
Give me another gin and tonic

THE BIKER AND THE PRETTY MISS

A big tattooed hairy biker
Noticed as he was riding by
A girl stood on the ledge,
Of a bridge way up high.
The biker stopped his bike
And asked the girl why
She was stood on the ledge
“I’m going to jump” was her reply
He shook his head in disbelief
That she would want to die
So he made her a proposition
Before you commit suicide
Give me a kiss, pretty miss
Give me a kiss as your goodbye
The little miss agreed to the kiss
A kiss to be remembered by
So the biker and the pretty miss
Engaged in a kiss of goodbye
An embrace of passionate fire
That seemed to lift them up high
When it was over and they parted
The biker said “my oh my oh my
That was the best kiss I ever had
And you want to commit suicide why?
You can kiss so well, what a waste
Tell me why do you want to die?”
“That’s easy, my parents don’t like me
Dressing as a girl,” she replied