Monday, 20 June 2011

HEALTHY HUMOUR

GOOD HEALTH WARNING

In regard to the state of good health
The fact that you cannot deny
Good health is just the slowest speed
At which we will eventually die

DOCTOR FRANK

My doctor was very frank
When discussing my fitness
He said to me without humour
“What fits your busy schedule best?
Exercising for one hour each day, or
Being dead for twenty four”

TAKEN QUEER OVER SEAS

I’ve just got back from Spain
Where I was taken queer
And not understanding a foreign quack
Was my biggest fear

Well when we got to his gaff
You’ll never guess what I saw
“English speaking Doctor”
Written large upon the door

I thought what a good idea
A real turn up I would say
Then I got to wonder why
We don’t have them in the UK


GARNISHING

If you put a tomato
On top of your knickerbocker glory
Instead of a cherry
It counts as a salad; well that’s my story

DOCTOR BLUNT

My doctor was very unfair
He said that the handle on my reclining chair
And my TV remote control device
Are not sufficient forms of exercise

EXERCISE REGIME WEEK 1

You must have an exercise regime
My doctor advised me
But he said it is essential
To build it up very gradually
So for the first week
I am watching sport on TV

EXERCISE REGIME WEEK 2

You must have an exercise regime
My doctor advised me
But he said it is essential
To build it up very gradually
So for the second week
I’ve begun to do a little more
I’ve started driving past
A sporting goods store

EXERCISE REGIME WEEK 3

You must have an exercise regime
My doctor advised me
But he said it is essential
To build it up very gradually
But by the third week
It started to get hard
As that’s when I started trying
To put on the leotard

THE PILSBURY PHILOSOPHY

Isn’t life strange?
And it can be quite a dilemma
And occasionally unfair
i.e. The healthiest part of a doughnut
Is the hole, unfortunately
You have to eat through the rest to get there

DEADLY HYMENOPTERA

Insects are dangerous
I thought you should know
Some kill you quick
Some kill you slow

Some poison the blood
In your arteries
Yes I’m talking about
The hepatitis bee

DEADLY RECREATION

Don’t go swimming
When the red flags fly
Don’t go in the water
When the waves are high

Don’t go swimming
If it’s too risky
And don’t even dip a toe in
The hepatitis sea

DOCTOR SHARP

I went to see the doctor
With fluid on the knee
And do you know what he said?
“Take better aim when you pee”

A FARE HEARING

My friend just returned from America
Where he had under gone surgery
To have a hearing aid implant fitted
And he was telling me about it excitedly

He said it was space age, state of the art
Twenty thousand dollars and worth every dime
I asked about the battery, “What type is it”?
He said I think it’s a little after nine

ANAPHYLAXIS

I had to go to the hospital today
After I had been stung by a bee
And my head really swelled up
But the doctors said not to worry
It was just caused by anaphylaxis
Which I have to say surprised me
Because I went to school with her
And I thought she really liked me

MANNOGRAM

A mannogram is a new test
And is the most effective way
Of detecting if a man has a heart
So get yours checked out today

FRANKENSTEIN PHYSICIANS

Plastic surgeons have the expertise
To enhance breasts into a feature
But disproportionate enhancement
Makes for an odd looking creature

NORMAL SERVICE HAS BEEN RESUMED

Now I’ve had my sight restored
Thanks to the surgeons prescision
I finally appreciate the worth
Of TV in High Definition
After spending so many years
Watching TV in Monet vision

ATTRACTION

I’m overweight I know
But it’s not my fault though
It’s because of the surgeries
Replacing my hips and knees
It’s the fridge magnets you see
They keep attracting me

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