Monday 27 June 2011

THE SEVENTIES

If the 60s was the decade of dreams
Then the 1970’s was the decade of nightmares
It was the decade when
The German hex over England began
As in the heat of Mexico, in 1970
They knocked us out of the World Cup,
And it all went downhill from there
The defeat to Germany
Was to be England’s last appearance
In the World Cup Finals for 12 years.
The following year saw Arsenal,
The team we all love to hate,
Do the League and cup double.
1972 saw me enter the work place
And I’ve been there ever since, but I’m not bitter.
1973 was a mixed year
Manchester United were relegated to division 2,
The Washington Redskins lost in the Superbowl
And a significant other entered my life.
1974 United won promotion as champions
But Liverpool won the FA Cup and they blossomed
Into a force that would dominate for years to come.
The following year Liverpool won the league title
In 1976 Southampton beat United in the cup final,
All the worse as my future father in law was a saint’s fan
The high point of the decade came in 77 when
United won the FA Cup, beating Liverpool 2-1
Normal service resumed for 1978
As I discovered there was more to girls
Than holding hands and stealing kisses.
And that they very definitely weren’t,
All sugar and spice and all thing nice
My significant other left me for an accountant,
Who supported Luton Town,
And to add insult onto injury was ginger
1979 United lost in the Cup Final to Arsenal
And so ended the decade of disappointments
When the only thing naffer than the music
Were the 70’s fashions
The decade that didn’t even have style
Or a decent musical accompaniment
The 70’s when dreams turned to nightmares

THE SIXTIES

The sixties, what a decade
I was only five, when in 1960
The Beatles hit the scene
And the following year
JFK took office as President
In 1962 a very significant appointment,
That of Alf Ramsey as England Manager,
Who brought us the Wingless Wonders.
The reborn Manchester United
Rising phoenix like from the ashes of Munich
Won the FA Cup in 1963.
In 1964 I held hands with Carole Duffy,
A very wonderful event at the time,
1965 saw United win the League title
And the mini skirt first appeared
The latter was less significant when I was 10
Then in 66 England won the world cup
(And yes the ball did cross the line)
United won the League again the following year
And then fulfilling the dream,
So cruelly crushed 10 years before,
Manchester United won the European cup in 1968.
1969 was famously the year
That Linda McMahon first kissed me
Oh and Neil Armstrong walked on the moon.
For me it was a decade of dreams coming true
A time when I thought life just couldn’t get any better
And I was right, because then came the 70s

WHAT I WANT YOU TO WEAR

I’m looking forward to our date
I hope you dress appropriately
A dress would be nice,
If not a loose fitting top
And skirt, flared,
Its more flattering,
Nothing figure hugger
And definitely no trousers
Stockings obviously, not tights
I don’t want your bum to look like robber
Garters are acceptable,
A nice lacy ring
Suspenders would be better
I like to ping
A bra, if you must
Nothing too fiddly
Front loading is ok
As long as it’s obvious
I hope you’re wearing granny pants
I’m not a fan of thongs
Or anything tight
Granny pants are quick release
And I want you bare arsed ASAP
That’s how I want the evening to end

THE RELUCTANT VOYEUR

It was a hot summer day,
Carrie was home from uni
And sitting in the shade,
She couldn’t abide the sun,
Hidden from view
In a quite corner of the garden
Lost in solitary thought
When stepmother Julie
Walked out from the house,
The garden being very private,
And Carrie not due back till later
Julie thought she was alone.
Carrie was about to say hello
When Julie slipped off her dress
To stand naked on the lawn
Arms stretched above her head
She pirouetted like a ballerina
Showing her self off
To her secluded surroundings,
Celebrating her nakedness
Offering herself to the sun
Then she lay down on a blanket
Carrie was again about to speak
But found herself unable
She was mesmerized
By the tableaux before her,
And a little arroused
Which surprised her
Not being so inclined
Not being of that persuasion
She was no disciple of Sappho
But what harm could it do, to look
With no fear of discovery
She was a reluctant voyeur
But the opportunity presented itself
And she took it
Where was the harm
Watching a beautiful woman
Sunbathe naked
But then Julie started to touch
And caress her nakedness
At first Carrie looked away
Slightly embarrassed
But her curiosity drew her back
And her arousal heightened
Growing deeper with each stroke
And when Julie’s body arched in climax
Carrie let out an audile squeal
Julie glanced over in her direction
And their eyes met and Julie smiled
Then she beckoned to Carrie
A wordless invitation to join her
She arose from her place of hiding
And walked slowly to her step mum
Where for the first time
Carrie enjoyed Sapphos sweet embrace

Monday 20 June 2011

SENIOR MOMENTS

I TOOK HIM TO THE MOUNTAIN

I took my grandson
Up into the mountains
We walked for three hours
Until we reached a vantage point
And we sat and looked in awe
At Gods majestic landscape
My intention was to impart some wisdom
To my young grandson
About how he was at the startline
And I had the finish line in sight
But I didn’t in the end
It was only when we had hiked
For three hours down the mountain
That I remembered
Why we went up there in the first place

SENIOR SPEED

People speed
For many reasons
Some are disorganised,
Some are late,
Some are impatient,
Some have no sense of direction,
For some it’s an emergency
That fuels their urgency
But for me, as a retiree
I have to drive fast
To get there before I forget
Where it is I’m going

YOUNG AT HEART

Young at heart
Well that’s a start
You’re only as old as you feel
Isn’t that the deal?
Well in my heart I feel young
But when all said and done
Being young at heart, let’s face it
Still means you’re older in other places

RETIRED?

I was tired yesterday
And I’m tired again today
That makes me re-tired I’d say

HAPPY HOURS

I always liked happy hour
Well when I was a younger chap
Now at my age I’m afraid
Happy hour is taking a little nap

CRS

I’ve been diagnosed with CRS
Yes I think that’s it
I forget what it means
Oh yes “Can’t remember shit”

BREAKING NEWS ABOUT THE OLD

Do you know why it is?
That old people like to keep a pet
Is it for the exercise?
Or a bit of company, better yet

Well the truth of it is
And this will leave you all agog
It’s so when they bend down and break wind
They can blame it on the dog

SENIOR DILEMMA

Why is it that as I get older
My brain cells are dying
But my fat cells
Just keep on multiplying

SENIOR BRIGHT SIDE

There are benefits to getting old
Though you may feel you are cursed
But just remember in a hostage situation
You are likely to be released first

SENIOR CONVERSE

You should not as a general rule
Engage in converse in anyway
With one or more retirees
On almost any given day
Because they have nothing
But time to fill their day
Which they use in short
To think of silly things to say

A WORTHWHILE PURSUIT

Since I happily retired
I have the reason and rhyme
To devote to my hobbies
So I spend most of my time
In the pursuit of exellence
And just in my spare time
I have perfected the art
Of converting beer and wine
Incredibly quickly
Into pure golden urine

HALFWAY UP THE STAIRS

I have come to the conclusion
That old age just isn’t fair
You know sometimes I find myself
Standing halfway up the stairs
Wondering if I was going up
Or coming back down from there

GROWTH SPURTS

When I was in my teens
I was regarded as unusual
Due to the rapid speed
I was extending in the vertical
But that was long ago
And my height now is more usual
But some unseen force is at work
And I’m growing horizontal

EASTER EGG HUNT

When it comes to hiding the eggs
In the garden at Easter
I can actually hide my own now
Thanks to Dementia

ACT OF MERCY

I have always told my children
And I told them again last night, quite late
That I didn’t want to live
In a vegetative state
To be given fluids from a bottle,
Dependent on a machine, no matter how up to date
So they took away my glass of wine
And unplugged my computer, the ingrates

GENERALLY FUNNY

LIGHT ON HIS FETE

My brother is dyslexic,
Which is a bit of a trial
And I also think he’s gay
But he’s still in Daniel

A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME

In France they don’t call it a pothole
Instead they call it a hen’s nest
It sounds much nicer doesn’t it?
But for drivers, they’re still a pest

THE LYNX EFFECT

I bought some new Aftershave,
You should try it
It smells of sunflower seeds
The birds really love it

DIPLOMACY

Diplomats have the ability
To do their job so well
That they can tell you,
To your face, to go to hell
In a way that not only,
Does not offend you
But becomes something
You are looking forward to

I DON’T WANT TO BE MURDERED

I certainly don’t want to be murdered
So I find myself rather fascinated
Exactly how important do you need to be?
Not to be murdered but to be assassinated

WHEN I DIE

When I die
And I ascend
How long, from
My untimely end
How much time
Must I spend?
What part of eternity
Must I extend?
Wearing the outfit
I wore at the end

MARGE AT LARGE

Marjorie was a clairvoyant
Of diminutive stature
Imprisoned for fraud
Or something of that nature
But she escaped
They couldn’t hold on to Marge
The police now seek
A small medium at large

THE SPICE OF LIFE

In the great war my grandfather
Survived a mustard gas attack
On a peace march my father
Survived a pepper spray attack
On a rally my uncle had mace
Squirted right in his face
I suppose you could call my ancestors
Seasoned campaigners

ALPEN DANGER

My dear friend was pulled under
By a strong currant, and tragically
My dear friend was drowned
In his breakfast bowl of muesli

TANGO’D

It is possible to have
Too much of a good thing
I feel I should say, though
I’m not sure where to begin
It involves the colour orange
i.e. too much fake tanning
So unless it’s Halloween
Please don’t look like a pumpkin

AMAZONIAN SPIDER

My son wants a spider
For his approaching birthday
I’m giving it some thought
I’ve not said yay or nay

Well I checked the price
At a well known pet shop
And when they said £90
Wow did my jaw drop

But he’s dead set on a spider
Won’t accept anything instead
So if he really wants a spider
I’ll get a cheap one off the web

APPLE FAUX PAS

Apple have cancelled the launch
Of a new iPod aimed at kids
But due to negative feedback
The project is on the skids
It’s believed the product
Was to be called the iTouch Kids

ALAS POOR HAMLET

Alas, poor Derek! I blew him, Fellatio: a fellow
of infinite zest, of most excellent fancy: then he hath
boned me on my back a thousand times;

KIDDIE FIDDLER

Well they just arrested a paedophile
Who would look at the children and drool
He was in the children’s playground
And was caught playing with his tool
But credit where credit is due
He always drove slowly past the school

911

I had just ordered my dream car
The Porsche I’ve always wanted to own
So I contacted all my friends
By text on my mobile phone
“Can’t wait for the new 911”
As simple as that, just the job
An hour later the door was kicked in
By the anti terrorist squad

MISUNDERSTAND INN

Being a Christian man,
Of high moral standing
I was not prepared
For the resulting misunderstanding

It was on my arrival
At the hotel reception
After the pleasantries
And before completing registration

I merely asked the receptionist
If she was at all able
To make sure the porn channel
In my room was disabled

To which she replied
With the tone of utter scorn
“No, you sick bastard.
It’s just regular porn”

STEALING AN EMBRACE

If you have sex with a prostitute
And leave without paying
Is there a specific law in statute?
Or is it just like shoplifting

THE FOLK OF THE AMERICAS

The folk of the Americas
In that tropical region
Ate a missionary
And got a taste of religion

THE NEW A-TEAM

I always loved the A-Team
A force for good
Coming to the rescue
All guns blazing
But no one ever got shot
Hannibal Smith was the brains
B.A.Baracus the brawn
Face was the fixer,
And howling mad Murdock
Well need I say more

Well they’re coming back
In a newish sort of version
Well a Jewish sort of version
Called the Oy Vey team
With Chaim Schmitt
BA Barabbas
Fizzog and Kinda Miffed Musseltoff

DOOR STEPPING

There are two women
Calling at houses down our street
Brow beating every one
Of the poor householders they meet

They extol the virtues
Of brown bread and its affect on fitness
One in particular is quite fierce
I’m sure that she is a Hovis Witness

MARATHON MAN

I used to be a Marathon man
A Marathon man was I
Then they renamed them Snickers
I don’t know why

ALL THE PRESIDENTS’ MEN

All the presidents’ men
Were all of a fluster
When Gerry Mander
Met Phil Lee-Buster

ELECTORAL LAW

It is an unwritten law
That candidates for council election
Must be uncircumcised
i.e. Tipped except during erection

Now don’t get excited
It is in no way anti Semitic
It just means that to be a politician
You must be a complete prick

FULHAM’S FOLLY

Outside a football ground in London
At Craven Cottage, the home of Fulham
Stands a statue of Wacko Jacko
Why is it there? I don’t know
What is he doing in West London eh?
Is it because when Fulham play
They are not all black or all white
Not unlike Jackson himself, is that right?
Or is it just that Al Fayed my old lad
You are really barking mad

NOT QUITE A CYCLONE

My sister has a new cleaner, Eastern European
But she’s a bit slack
It takes her 5 hours to Hoover the house
But then she is a Slovak

THE HABITS OF RABBITS

The habits of rabbits
Are of limited scope
How can I be delicate?
The females seldom say nope

TRAGIC CARPET RIDE

An entrepreneurial friend
Sells exploding prayer mats
Now when he first told me
I thought he was bats
But he’s really doing well
He showed me the proof
The prophets are clearly
Going through the roof

HADRIAN’S WALL

The simple reason why
Hadrian’s Wall was built
Is that north of the border
The extremities wilt
As the wind doth blow
Right up your kilt

THAT LIVED IN LOOK

To give a house that
Lived in look only takes a tick
In fact one lazy Sunday
Should really do the trick

THE RIGHT WEATHER

If you live in the United States
And the weather uses all of its charms
Wear a short-sleeved shirt
After all you have the right to bare arms

FAMILY INSURANCE

Money isn’t everything
That much is very true
But it makes sure the kids
Keep in touch with you

CRISP ETIQUETTE

The chunky McCoy’s
Are the crisps for boys
The fluffy puffy curls
Are suitable for girls
And the uniform Pringles
Are for the sad singles

THE TRUTH ABOUT PRINGLES

Pringles are all uniform
The same weight shape and size
Pringles are never any different
They never ever surprise

The Pringles stack in a tube
They fit in ever so neatly
They were obviously designed
For those with OCD

EURO SURVEY

There has been a survey, not a referendum,
To see if Britain should change to the Euro
And it appears that the no’s are in the majority
Apparently they are happy to stick with the Giro

NEW CHEESE

I saw a new brand of cheese
At the super market today
It was called Armageddon
I suppose it looked ok

I think it was long life cheese
Or some synthetic blend
I didn’t buy it because of the sell by
It just said “Best before End”

COMPELLING READING

I was reading this book today
At the library in town
It was “The History of Glue”
You know? I couldn't put it down

CHEEKY LITTLE MONKEY

I saw a monkey in the jungle with a tin opener
Which I thought quite absurd
“You don't need that to open a banana” Said I
And he replied, “This is for the custard”

BLOCKBUSTER ANSWER

I went to the local video shop and said,
“Can I borrow “Batman Forever?” My friend”
He said, “No, I’m afraid that’s not possible
But you can have it for the weekend”

LET’S SPLIT

I’ve always wanted to learn to do the splits
It’s an ambition since my earliest days
The guy at the gym said, “How flexible are you?”
I replied, “I can do any day but Tuesdays”

BOOKING OFFICE

I requested a train ticket to Paris
And the ticket seller said “Eurostar”
“Well I've done a bit of telly”
I said “but I'm no Alan Carr”

AT THE ANIMAL SHELTER

I went to an Animal shelter today
I wasn’t impressed as a matter of fact
It was incredibly small an pokey
There wasn’t enough room to swing a cat

LL$!!FAM@!!£ER L#%@$!?!?ILIOG

I was in North Wales
Just the other day
When I was verbally assailed
While visting Conway
A string of forteen letter words
Was hurled my way

REVERSE MODE

Top super model Bimbette,
It has been disclosed
Has lost her crown
The model has been deposed

SAY?

I saw a photo of a wheel of Stilton
In a glossy magazine today
And I wondered as the shutter clicked
What the photographer asked it to say

WISING UP

My grandson thinks me a wise man
While my wife thinks otherwise
And my boss thinks I’m a wise guy
Which I think is contrariwise

SACKED

I have been given the sack,
Let go, dismissed, terminated
And it was a misunderstanding
That has left me so deflated

I just simply didn’t realise
And here’s the bitter sting
That overlook and oversee
Didn’t mean the same thing

A PRESSING OCCUPATION

The woman that does my ironing
Has always been harassed and stressed
But lately her work has gone to pot
And I think she may be depressed

EASILY IMPRESSED

The woman that does my ironing
Is a natural, she is truly blessed
But she can’t see it herself
I’m beginning to think she’s repressed

IN THE EVENT OF ???

When three out of four engines
Catastrophically fail during flight
You will still have enough power
To get you safely to the crash site

A QUESTION OF BALDING

My head is completely devoid
Of hair of any shade or hue
So when asked for hair colour
On official forms, what do I do?

SECULAR EDUCATION

The education system
Is becoming increasingly secular
But Schools will never
Totally achieve their doctrinaire
For the simple reason
That as long as exams are held there
It is safe to assume that for the pupils
There will definitely be prayer

70’S MUSICAL DESERT

The forties
Brought us swing
The fifties
Brought us rock and roll
The sixties
Brought us the Beatles
The seventies
Brought us bugger all


POLTERGEIST?

Poltergeist
Polterghost
Poltergoose
Poltergeists
Polterghosts
Poltergeese

FREAKISH

Well I’ve seen some freaky stuff
And the freaky folk that do it to them
But I have to say the strangest thing
Was watching S&Ms eating M&Ms

DINGLE DELL
(Sung to the tune of Jingle Bells)

Dingle dell, Fairies dwell
The Elves and Pixies play
Oh! what fun it is to hide
When hide and seek we play

SINGLE GIRLS
(Sung to the tune of Jingle Bells)

Single girls, single girls
They go all the way
Oh! what fun it is to ride
On a single girl today

INVERSE

My poems have been called
On a good day, ribald
More often artistically bald
Humourous? So-called
Wit to scathe and scald
Tastelessness unrivalled
Not written but scrawled
Or just plain tired and auld
But I say with joy untold
Prepare again to be appalled

REPEAT OFFENDER

It was his repeated use
Of drastic plastic
Which led to his appearance
At Devizes assizes

SEX AND RELATIONSHIPS

DATING PREMISE

When a man puts on his cologne
And a woman puts on perfume
The intention is not primarily
To smell each other I presume

THE MORNING AFTER

After a wild drunken night
Of drink, drugs and animal sex
I awoke the next morning
And after finding my specs
I realised I was in bed
With the ugliest of women
And made a resigned sigh
Knowing I’d made it home then

CANT LIVE WITHOUT VIV

I really love my new girlfriend
I think she came to me from heaven
And I never want to be with out her
So I’m going to oblivion with Vivian

LIFE LESSON

When I was young, life was full of riches
Then I discovered women could be bitches
And some even gave you embarrassing itches

IT’S NOT HIP

Don’t get your hip tattooed
Because at the risk of being rude
It doesn’t look cool or chic
And it’ll make you look cheap

THE TROUBLE WITH FLIES

Flies spread many diseases
That are diagnosed
So for the sake of public health
Keep yours closed

FALLEN FROM GRACE

When the Vicar and the fallen woman
Were discovered in embrace, I was shocked
Then afterwards the woman was denounced
And the amorous clergymen was defrocked
But I should say that the word on the ground
Is, we’d have liked it better the other way round


IF YOU WERE ASKED THE QUESTION # 1

If you were asked the question
How do you get a big girl into bed?
Would you try to be PC?
Or say “A piece of cake” instead

I DIDN’T KNOW MISS WORLD WAS IN TOWN AGAIN

If you have begun to tire
Of being the object of men’s desire
Not of being attractive per se
But of being hit on every day
But short of becoming reclusive
Which is of course not conducive
There is little to do but improvise
And swat the insects like they are flies

THE STICK INSECT

My sister is very thin
In fact she’s a stick insect
Straight up and down
Viewed from any aspect
If she didn’t wear glasses
Before embracing
No one would know
Which way she was facing

MY MAN IS MY BEST FRIEND

My man is my best friend
He listens to me,
Enables me,
Reassures me,
Inspires me,
He makes me feel special
He makes me feel sexy
He understands me
He is in touch with my feelings
My man is my best friend?
Is he bollocks
Gordon’s is my best friend
Give me another gin and tonic

THE BIKER AND THE PRETTY MISS

A big tattooed hairy biker
Noticed as he was riding by
A girl stood on the ledge,
Of a bridge way up high.
The biker stopped his bike
And asked the girl why
She was stood on the ledge
“I’m going to jump” was her reply
He shook his head in disbelief
That she would want to die
So he made her a proposition
Before you commit suicide
Give me a kiss, pretty miss
Give me a kiss as your goodbye
The little miss agreed to the kiss
A kiss to be remembered by
So the biker and the pretty miss
Engaged in a kiss of goodbye
An embrace of passionate fire
That seemed to lift them up high
When it was over and they parted
The biker said “my oh my oh my
That was the best kiss I ever had
And you want to commit suicide why?
You can kiss so well, what a waste
Tell me why do you want to die?”
“That’s easy, my parents don’t like me
Dressing as a girl,” she replied

MARRIAGE LINES

LOSING HER MIND

My wife of some fifty years
Is convinced her mind has finally gone
Which is hardly suprising
When she gives a piece of it to everyone

SENTENCING

In the English language
The shortest sentence
Is reportedly “I am”
This would make sence
But does that mean, “I do”
Is the longest sentence?

IN FLAGRANTE DELICTO

They were found in the toilet
In flagrante delicto
Well done mum and dad
That’s the way to go

MY GIRL HAS DUMPED ME

My girls dumped me
For some hirsute Brute
I was gob smacked
I said strewth Ruth
You can’t leave me for him
Not this prick Mick
Well he wanted to fight for her
But I called a truce Bruce
I said I don’t want you to go
To tell you the truth Ruth
But you’ve made your choice
And it’s thick Mick
I had tears in my eyes
I was bellowing like a moose Bruce
As I helped her into her truck
God I’ll miss that beaut Ute

THE NIGHT OUT

I’d been to some bars
And drunk a few jars
And while I was there
I became the worse for wear
When my double vision
Started causing derision
And tired of the scoff
I took myself off
To be greeted at home
By a malevolent gnome
The bane of my life
My diminutive wife
But when I was drunk
I wasn’t afraid of the skunk
Her anger I would dismiss
And bring her round with a kiss
But my advance was declined
Which I thought was unkind
I thought I would rise above
Her rejection of my love
But despite my attempt
To show her contempt
She still wouldn’t let me in
I thought in may be the Gin
So I used reasoning
Without any seasoning
But what I said to her
Just came out as a slur
Then she angrily said
“Go and sleep in the shed”

BURNT OFFERINGS

My wife burns the toast
She makes a habit of it
Then puts it in the garden
For the sparrows and the tits

Not many birds are keen
Even in the harshest weather
But you can spot those who are
Because of the curly feathers

MY WIFE IS MAD

My wife is mad
Last night she snored so loud
That she woke herself up
Then she hit me
For snoring so bloody loud
That I woke her up

MY WIFE HAS A TERRIBLE HABIT

My wife has a terrible habit
Of staying up till the early morn
And I can't break her of the habit
Of staying up till the dawn
Why on earth does she do it?
Is she up surfing the internet?
Or is she an incurable insomniac?
No, she stays up coz I’m not home yet

WIFI WIFE

I call my wife my Wi-Fi,
You might wonder why
Well she works at home usually
Or in the garden, truthfully
I have no physical connection to her
And at night the neighbour uses her


THE LOSS OF LOVE

The loss of love you see
Isn’t due to infidelity
It’s caused by over familiarity
And excessive intimacy
For how can love survive?
When before your eyes
Is the object of your affection
Rubbing cream on some infection
Or the person you are dating
Is on the toilet evacuating

NIGELA I’M NOT

I’m not a domestic goddess
And it’s not something I espouse
If you don’t believe me
Just ask the spouse
He’ll tell you, I only have a kitchen
Because it came with the house

SLEEPLESS

How awful is insomnia
I can only imagine
I don’t suffer myself
As soon as pillow meets head
I sleep like the dead

My wife suffers terribly
She just can’t switch off
Its like her very own
Rolling news programme she said
News 24, all night in her head

VIRGIN WHITE

Wedding dresses are white
As a symbol of purity
A statement to the world
And a promise or surety
Well that’s the tradition
But in truth there is more
Wedding dresses are white
To match the kitchen decor

MARITAL DISCOVERY

After twenty years of marriage
To my dear lady wife, Mrs McCall
I have discovered what makes her happy,
Absolutely bugger all

HEALTHY HUMOUR

GOOD HEALTH WARNING

In regard to the state of good health
The fact that you cannot deny
Good health is just the slowest speed
At which we will eventually die

DOCTOR FRANK

My doctor was very frank
When discussing my fitness
He said to me without humour
“What fits your busy schedule best?
Exercising for one hour each day, or
Being dead for twenty four”

TAKEN QUEER OVER SEAS

I’ve just got back from Spain
Where I was taken queer
And not understanding a foreign quack
Was my biggest fear

Well when we got to his gaff
You’ll never guess what I saw
“English speaking Doctor”
Written large upon the door

I thought what a good idea
A real turn up I would say
Then I got to wonder why
We don’t have them in the UK


GARNISHING

If you put a tomato
On top of your knickerbocker glory
Instead of a cherry
It counts as a salad; well that’s my story

DOCTOR BLUNT

My doctor was very unfair
He said that the handle on my reclining chair
And my TV remote control device
Are not sufficient forms of exercise

EXERCISE REGIME WEEK 1

You must have an exercise regime
My doctor advised me
But he said it is essential
To build it up very gradually
So for the first week
I am watching sport on TV

EXERCISE REGIME WEEK 2

You must have an exercise regime
My doctor advised me
But he said it is essential
To build it up very gradually
So for the second week
I’ve begun to do a little more
I’ve started driving past
A sporting goods store

EXERCISE REGIME WEEK 3

You must have an exercise regime
My doctor advised me
But he said it is essential
To build it up very gradually
But by the third week
It started to get hard
As that’s when I started trying
To put on the leotard

THE PILSBURY PHILOSOPHY

Isn’t life strange?
And it can be quite a dilemma
And occasionally unfair
i.e. The healthiest part of a doughnut
Is the hole, unfortunately
You have to eat through the rest to get there

DEADLY HYMENOPTERA

Insects are dangerous
I thought you should know
Some kill you quick
Some kill you slow

Some poison the blood
In your arteries
Yes I’m talking about
The hepatitis bee

DEADLY RECREATION

Don’t go swimming
When the red flags fly
Don’t go in the water
When the waves are high

Don’t go swimming
If it’s too risky
And don’t even dip a toe in
The hepatitis sea

DOCTOR SHARP

I went to see the doctor
With fluid on the knee
And do you know what he said?
“Take better aim when you pee”

A FARE HEARING

My friend just returned from America
Where he had under gone surgery
To have a hearing aid implant fitted
And he was telling me about it excitedly

He said it was space age, state of the art
Twenty thousand dollars and worth every dime
I asked about the battery, “What type is it”?
He said I think it’s a little after nine

ANAPHYLAXIS

I had to go to the hospital today
After I had been stung by a bee
And my head really swelled up
But the doctors said not to worry
It was just caused by anaphylaxis
Which I have to say surprised me
Because I went to school with her
And I thought she really liked me

MANNOGRAM

A mannogram is a new test
And is the most effective way
Of detecting if a man has a heart
So get yours checked out today

FRANKENSTEIN PHYSICIANS

Plastic surgeons have the expertise
To enhance breasts into a feature
But disproportionate enhancement
Makes for an odd looking creature

NORMAL SERVICE HAS BEEN RESUMED

Now I’ve had my sight restored
Thanks to the surgeons prescision
I finally appreciate the worth
Of TV in High Definition
After spending so many years
Watching TV in Monet vision

ATTRACTION

I’m overweight I know
But it’s not my fault though
It’s because of the surgeries
Replacing my hips and knees
It’s the fridge magnets you see
They keep attracting me

Wednesday 15 June 2011

THE USES OF GOOSES

THE USES OF GOOSES # 01

One use of a goose
Is as a guard goose
As part of their charm
They give the alarm
However guard geese
Aren’t easy to cease

THE USES OF GOOSES # 02

Be warned about the use of a goose
If well roasted in goose grease
You will have cooked your goose
And caused a decrease in your geese

WHY DO I LOVE YOU HON?

WHY DO I LOVE YOU HON? # 01

Why do I love you hon?
Because you don’t know the answer
To your own question
WHY DO I LOVE YOU HON? # 02

Why do I love you hon?
I love you most because you
Don’t realize why I do
WHY DO I LOVE YOU HON? # 03

Why do I love you hon?
Because you feel fortunate
That I’m in love with you

THE SIMPLEST PLEASURES

THE SIMPLEST PLEASURES # 01

The simplest pleasures in life
Requiring no payment or fee
But give the most satisfaction
In spite of their simplicity
Like the unparreled relief
You get from taking a pee

THE SIMPLEST PLEASURES # 02

The simplest pleasures in life
Requiring no payment or fee
But give the most satisfaction
In spite of their simplicity
Like the unparreled relief
Of letting your wind go free

VEGETUS

VEGETUS # 01

Have you ever eaten vegetarian?
Is that something you have done?
Well no I haven’t, but I’d like to
Though I couldn’t eat a whole one

VEGETUS # 02

Have you ever eaten vegetarian?
Have you done that, do you reckon?
Well no I haven’t, but I’d like to
Tell me do they taste like chick’n

ICE CREAM PARLOUR

ICE CREAM PARLOUR # 01

I went to the ice cream parlour
At one of our seaside resorts
And I wanted an ice cream
But, well, there were allsorts
“Knickerbocker glory sir?”
The ice cream mans retorts
“Yes I do enjoy a certain amount
Of freedom in these shorts”

ICE CREAM PARLOUR # 02

I went to the ice cream parlour
And ordered an ice cream sundae
“Hundreds & thousands?” he asked
“No I’ll just have the one for today”

NHS CUT BACKS

NHS CUT BACKS # 1

The NHS has plans to save money
As they are strapped for cash
The plans have got up the Allergists noses
And Dermatologists think them rash

NHS CUT BACKS # 2

The NHS has plans to save money
And there has been opposition all right
But the Gastroenterologists
Don’t have the stomach for a fight

NHS CUT BACKS # 3

The NHS has plans to save money
And many are opposed to the suggestion
The Obstetricians feel that the government
Are labouring under a misconception

NHS CUT BACKS # 4

The NHS has plans to save money
Which ENT consultants won’t follow
They won’t hear of budget cuts
They think the plans quite shallow
Which have got up there noses
And they find them hard to swallow

NHS CUT BACKS # 5

The NHS has plans to save money
Which some seem to accept, though
Cardiologists for example
Don’t have the heart to say no

NHS CUT BACKS # 6

The NHS has plans to save money
Which Pharmacologists won’t follow
Because they feel the cuts
Are simply a bitter pill to swallow

NHS CUT BACKS # 7

The NHS has plans to save money
But they plans maybe hard to pass
The Proctologists have responded
By telling them to stick them up their arse

NHS CUT BACKS # 8

The NHS has plans to save money
Paediatricians think them too tough
But there complaints have been rejected
As they are not considered grown up enough

NHS CUT BACKS # 9

The NHS has plans to save money
But it is unclear who will oppose the plans
Radiologists can see through them
But the Surgeons just washed their hands
Hospital managers had a meeting and claimed
It will be a steep learning curve
While the Urologists wet themselves.
And the Neurologists lost their nerve

NHS CUT BACKS # 10

The NHS has plans to save money
Which may leave the institution blighted
Audiologists haven’t heard a thing
And Ophthalmologists think them short sighted
Plastic Surgeons are being two faced
But Pathologists are dead against change
Podiatrists think them a step backwards
While Psychiatrists think them deranged

Monday 13 June 2011

NONSENSICAL EPISODE

NONSENSICAL EPISODE # 1

Living life in cartoons
A happy life in Looney tunes
Incomprehensible croons
Beneath silvery moons
Shooting at pink balloons
With captain Ahab’s harpoons
Spending Sunday afternoons
Chatting with baboons
Playing cricket in the dunes
With chipmunks and raccoons
Eating out of date prunes
With runsible spoons

NONSENSICAL EPISODE # 2

I see Dogs in clogs
Cats in spats
Goats in coats
Flies in ties
Llamas in pyjamas
I think I drink
Too much caffeine

NONSENSICAL EPISODE # 3

When I close my eyes
I see Lasses in glasses
Tarts in carts
Girls in pearls
Flirts in skirts
Fillies in frillies
Girls in curls
Chics in nix
God I really need sex

NONSENSICAL EPISODE # 4

I see birds in herds
Freaks with beaks
Tykes on bikes
Mancs in tanks
Bowsers in trousers
Paedo’s in speedos
Perverts in skirts
Streakers in sneakers
Coppers in toppers
Scouses in blouses
Weirdo’s in hairdos
And I ask myself
What was in that roll up?

I KISSED A GIRL

I KISSED A GIRL # 1

I kissed a girl,
A very friendly sort
While I was staying
At a seaside resort

One kiss led to another
One kiss led to the other
And one kiss led to her
Becoming a mother

I KISSED A GIRL # 2

I kissed the girl
On an aeroplane
And on the airport bus
I kissed her once again

I kissed a girl
That I met in Spain
We met later that day
And we kissed again

I kissed the girl
With the long white train
And at the alter
I kissed her once again

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 11

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 11

I don’t have a favourite;
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum

I love tarty Marti
And svelter Delta
Sloppy Poppy
And vulgar Olga

I love baddy Maddie
And angrier Andrea
Clean Jean
And fairer Farah

I love scorer Pandora
And messy Bessie
Gaudy Maudie
And sassie Cassie

I love a damp vamp
To tell the truth
Or Horny Dawny
And uncouth Ruth

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 12

I do have a favourite;
I like them with a predisposition
Basically I like them dirty
And prepared for any position

I love Commando Jo
And nudie Trudy
Above the knee Fi
And rudie Judy

I love on her back Jack
The leerer Vera
Back alley Sally
And in the rear Greer

I love fellatia Felicia
The giver of head
Pork me Courtney
And three in a bed Winifred

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 13

I do have a favourite;
I like them with a predisposition
Basically I like them dirty
And prepared for any position

I love feelier Ophelia
And mauler Paula
Dirty Gertie
And pawer Dora

I love Harlot Charlotte
And Spanky Frankie
Molester Ester
And first in Kirsten

I love envelopy Penelope
Then get free again
For a crumpet strumpet
And game whatsaname

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 14

I don’t have a favourite;
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum

I love square Clair
And plane Jayne
Prettier Leticia
And vane Lorraine

I love Slinky Pinky
And Bipolar Lola
Jammy Sami
And Tequila Sheila

I love Thirsty Kirstie
And Cabana Lana
Caffeine Kristine
And Marijuana Adriana

I love never fail Abigail
One of many Penny
Can’t fool her Tallulah
And spend a penny Jenny

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 15

I don’t have a favourite;
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum

I love warmer Norma
And chilly Millie
Brahma Alma
And misty Kristi

I love diva Riva
And the miser Eliza
Expressly Leslie
And viler Isla

I love sweet Reet
And henna Sienna
Bonny Bonnie
And better Henrietta

I love crabby Gabby
And flabby Abi
Tabby Abi
And shabby Tabbi

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 16

I don’t have a favourite;
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum

I love ballerina Katrina
And piston Kristen
Rave Maive
And oblivion Vivian

I love slasher Sasha
And gaily Kayleigh
Greener Meena
And trophy Sophie

I love Christian Christine
And the mystical Zen Jen
Pegan Megan
And Zen Jen once again

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 17

I don’t have a favourite;
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum

I love bilious Phileas
And slow Mo
Jail bait Kate
And here we go Jo

I love Havana Savannah
And felony Melanie
Gonna Donna
And orally Laura-Lee

I love sillieth Lilleth
And Soya Moiré
Sillier Delia
And coyer Toya

I love brash Tash
And swell Gabrielle
Coarser Porsche
And go to hell Mel

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 18

I don’t have a favourite;
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum

I love TaTa Tara
And poor Dorr
Trim Miriam
And say more Gaynor

I love stiff Steph
And better Greta
Madeira Vera
And skeleta Nicolleta

I love Pizzeria Pia
And green Jean
World Wide Web Deb
And Chlorine Maureen

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 19

I do have a favourite;
I like them with a similar name
Basically I have a bad memory
So the names should sound the same

Like Rosita, Lolita
Sita, Rita or Nikita
Anita, Margarita
Benita, Nita or Greta

SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 20

I don’t have a favourite;
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum

I love Chaise Blaise
And Bombay Rene
Pulsy Dulcie
And Crochet Fay

I love Gray Kay
And shorn Fawn
Blue Pru
And forlorn Dawn

I love Taxi Maxi
And Swish Trish
Victorian Dorian
And Swiss Bliss

Friday 10 June 2011

MY THOUGHTS ARE SINFUL

MY THOUGHTS ARE SINFUL # 5

My thoughts are sinful
For the thoughts I think
Are of the open petals
Of your flower moist and pink

MY THOUGHTS ARE SINFUL # 6

My thoughts are sinful
And they’d make you frown
For to make me stand up
You would go down

MY THOUGHTS ARE SINFUL # 7

My thoughts are sinful
Thoughts of your silky skin
The lushness of your bush
Your succulent musk within
A firm young body
With soft moist lips of sin

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 1

You wouldn’t smile at me
Or give me that cheeky grin
If you knew I imagine you
With my balls resting on your chin

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 2

You wouldn’t smile at me
If you could read my mind
And vividly picture my thoughts
Which are of a lustful kind
Thoughts of bending you over
And taking you from behind

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 3

You wouldn’t smile at me
With that sweet look on your face
If you knew I imagine you
In black stockings and lace

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 4

You wouldn’t smile at me
My sweet innocent miss
If you knew I wanted to visit
Your sweet haven of bliss

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 5

You wouldn’t smile at me
In that sweet way that you do
If you knew I often imagine
Myself orally pleasing you

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 6

You wouldn’t smile at me
If you knew all the while
That I was imagining you
Wearing nothing but a smile

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 7

You wouldn’t smile at me
You’d never smile so sweetly
If you knew I imagined you
Pleasuring yourself before me

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 8

You wouldn’t smile at me
You’d never smile so sweetly
If you knew I imagined you
Naked and straddling me

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 9

You wouldn’t smile at me
Never again after this time
If you knew I imagined you
The other half of my sixty-nine

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 10

You wouldn’t smile at me
If you knew the thoughts I think
Imagining you in an erotic dance
Scantily clad in sensual pink

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 11

You wouldn’t smile at me
If you knew my fantasies
Of you slowly undressing
As you tantalise and tease
Before submitting to me
On your hands and knees

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 12

You wouldn’t smile at me
If you knew what’s in my head
Pictures of you lying naked
Beneath me in my bed

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 13

You wouldn’t smile at me
Because my thoughts would appal
Because I think of having you
Up against the office wall

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 14

You wouldn’t smile at me
If you knew my thought process
When I imagine you commando
Underneath that pretty dress

YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 15

You wouldn’t smile at me
With my thoughts misbehavin’
If you knew how I wonder
If you have a shaven haven

DREAMS ARE REALLY VERY ODD

DREAMS ARE REALLY VERY ODD # 1

Dreams are really very odd
Last night I sat up in bed
Clutching a pillow to my chest
And then I loudly said
I’m off up the garden
To bury the dog
My wife barked “You silly sod,
We haven’t got a dog”

DREAMS ARE REALLY VERY ODD # 2

Dreams are really very odd
Last night my wife sat up and said
“Tell Lionel to stop
It’s really hurting my head”
I enquired politely
What the hell she was on about
“Lionel Blair is in the wardrobe
Get the tosser out”
Now considering the early hour
I had the patience of Job
And softly said “Why would he
Be in our wardrobe”?
A fare question, I thought
She just gave me a frown
“Tap dancing you idiot”
And then she lay back down

DREAMS ARE REALLY VERY ODD # 3

Dreams are an odd part of life
Last night my considerate wife
Woke me from my slumber to declare
“It was so bloody unfair”
I said “what on earth is wrong?
“What’s unfair, what’s going on?
“The life of a sports journalist”
She replied and she wasn’t even pissed

PUT DOWNS

PUT DOWN # 40

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
And if they are relentless
And as thick as granite
Just say to him
"Do they ever shut up on your planet?"

PUT DOWN # 41

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
And if he is relentless
One of those persistant fellas
Just say at the top of your voice
"No I wont f*ck you for 100 dollars!"

PUT DOWN # 42

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he should hesitate over your name
Then that’s your cue
Just say to him
"Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!"

PUT DOWN # 43

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he offers you champayne
And celebrates like a winner
Just say to him
"Are you drinking your dinner?"

PUT DOWN # 44

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he sugest he is your prince
Come to rescue you from your plight
Just say to him
"You live with your mom still, right?"

PUT DOWN # 45

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
A best with animal magnetism
Is what he will probably think
Just say to him
"So you're the missing link"

PUT DOWN # 46

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“Let me make mad passionate love to you”
He may say seductivly
Just reply to him
'Did I mention the kick in the balls you'll if you touch me?'

MORE 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 202

Mary, Mary quite contrary
This is what I want to know
With an Adams apple
And the razors dapple
Are you really a girl, yes or no?

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 203

Rub-a-dub-dub,
Margarine in a tub,
Without any butter the table is bare
The crumpets, the muffins,
Bread from the loaf tins
They all need to be buttered thick
For the most satisfyingly simple fare

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 204

Rub-a-dub-dub,
Thanks for the grub,
Without the Lord no one would care
The father the son
And the spiritual one
The guardian angels of heavens host
They all make sure the tables not bare

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 205

Rub-a-dub-dub,
Three men in a Pub,
And how do you think they got there?
The butcher, the baker,
The candlestick-maker,
They can’t remember to tell the truth
And to be honest they don’t really care

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 206

The fair maid who, the first of May
Goes to the fields at break of day,
And picks strawberries ripe and juicy
Isn’t a native of this country

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 207

The King of France went up the hill
With twenty thousand men;
The King of France came down the hill,
As it was coffee time again

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 208

The man in the moon came tumbling down
And asked his way to Norwich;
You should have gone to Specsavers
Said a cheeky man from Ipswich

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 209

The man in the wilderness asked me
“How many strawberries grew in the sea”
I answered him, as I thought fit,
Leave me alone you annoying little shit

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 210

There was a fat man of Bombay,
Who was smoking one sunshiny day,
When a government lackey
Confiscated all his backy
And fined the fat man of Bombay

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 211

There was a jolly miller once
Lived on the river Dee;
He worked and sang from morn till night,
And that was really annoying to me

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 212

There was a little boy and a little girl,
Lived in an alley;
Says the little boy to the little girl,
"How about it Sally?"

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 213

There was a man in Thessaly,
And he was wondrous wise,
He helped us and we wouldn’t have found
That sports bar otherwise

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 214

There was a monkey
Climbed up a tree;
No it’s the boy from next door,
Silly me

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 215

Little Tommy Tittlemouse
Lived in a little house;
And his missus
Made him wash the dishes

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 216

Mary had a pretty bird,
Plumage bright and yellow,
Slender legs, upon this bird
Mary didn’t need a fellow

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 217

Bessie Bell and Mary Gray,
They were two bonnie lasses:
They built their house upon the lea,
And were visited by flashers

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 218

There was an old wife
Who did eat an apple;
But she spat it out,
“Bloody Golden Delicious”