Just A Bit Humerous

CUTTING EDGE LENS TECHNOLOGY

My son just bought the most amazing camera
With super fast shutter speed, “on the edge of the cut”
And when he photographed my wife and I
He managed to snap her with her mouth shut

SPAM, SPAM AND MORE SPAM

I keep getting spam emails
From Ms Fatale Attraction
Who is a bored housewife
Looking for some hot action
With a younger man, if poss
So if I keep receiving her siren-ing
I might just reply to her
Then I can send her my ironing

THE RIGHT QUESTION

“You probably get this quite a lot I expect,
So I’ll make it quick and not prolong,
Aren’t you the chap who invented Tippex?,
You are, are you not; correct me if I’m wrong”

TUNNEL OF SELF LOVE

When a narcissists riding of
The tunnel of love is planned
He’ll want to sit alone in a car
So he can hold his own hand

A FISHY DEMISE

I’ve lost all of my tropical fish
And it’s my neighbour I have to thank
Because he plays his music so loud
It caused a tsunami in my fish tank

SIR CUMFERENCE OF CAMELOT

Sir Cumference of Camelot
Could eclipse the sun in the sky
With the bulk of his obesity
Though he didn’t know why
His physician warned him that
Left unchecked he would die
But he had a hearty appetite
And that was the reason why
Sir Cumference of Camelot
Could eclipse the sun in the sky
And the immensity of his girth
Was caused, by too much pi

DOG-DAY AFTERNOON

I start in the morning
With a spring in my step
Like an excited puppy
Full of vigour and pep
But at the end of the day
I walk with a heavier step
And feel less like a puppy
And more like “old shep”

THE MEASURE OF A MAN

Bimbette and Peaches were standing by a flagpole,
Looking up at it in a rather puzzled way
When they were asked what the were doing
By a pleasant young man passing their way

“We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole
But we don't have a ladder” Said Bimbette with a frown
The young man took a spanner from his pocket
Loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down

He then took a tape measure from his other pocket,
Took a few measurements, and said it was 18 feet
Then he returned the flagpole to its previous condition
And strode off confidently down the street

Bimbette said “How like a man!! give me strength,
You ask him for the height and he gives you the length

TRAFFIC CALMING MEASURES

The highways departmentt have decided
In a review of speed management
To replace the current
Traffic calming measures
No more speed bumps
Or chicanes
Flashing road signs or traffic cameras
No bollards or over painted road surfaces
A newer cheaper alternative has been found
To promote road safety
So the highways dept have decided
Just to stop repairing potholes
Because they really slow drivers down

A SMALL STATISTIC

Here is a statistic
That is a bit crappy
Only one in seven dwarves
Are actually happy

PERSONAL BANKING

I went to my bank yesterday
As I went to work, it’s on my way
I said to the cashier Miss Valance
“Hello can you check my balance”
She replied “yes certainly Mr. Dover”
Then walked round and pushed me over

BUSAN TO SEOUL

I’m moving from Busan to Seoul
But my family don’t approve
But I start a new job in Seoul next week
And it’s a good Korea move

FUMING WIFE

My wife was tragically overcome
By a very unsavory hum
To which she did succumb
As a result of the deadly aroma
By wife of ten years, Oma
Now lies prone in a coma
But the main reason I’m so glum
Is that the offending noxious hum
Actually emanated from my bum
So my dear wife alas and alack
Now lays motionless on her back
Because of her husbands gas attack

DEATH AT SEA

I fight for my life
In the icy water
But fatigue overcomes me
And I succumb
To the welcoming waters
And as I slip beneath the waves
My life replays before me
Like an old home movie
And I think to my self
As my life ebbs away
Damn that was boring

BREATH OF WIND

To break wind alfresco
Seems to me such a waste
If you can feel it coming
Move inside with all haste
Stand under the air conditioning
Then everyone gets a taste

DISRESPECTING THE BOSS

Gwen looks like Mavis Cruet,
The plump clumsy fairy,
The one from Willo the Wisp
All warty and hairy

Mavis was too fat too fly
With erratic magical powers
Gwen knows what we call her
And she sits in her office and glowers

She may look like Mavis Cruet,
But in truth she’s like Evil Edna
And she will wreak her revenge
Because she’s our employer

ST ANTHONY

St Anthony is a patron saint
Of lost things, articles and bits
I once had a St Anthony Medal
But I don’t know where to find it

MILESTONE BIRTHDAY

I’ve been dreading, turning forty,
But it occurred to me then
That I won’t really be 40
I’ll just be thirty 10

SENIOR RETIREMENT

At last I’m retired
It’s just what I desired
So goodbye to the tension
And hello to my pension

PARTY ANIMAL

I went to a party
And I really dressed to kill
A werewolf and a full moon
Seemed to fit the bill

ABRASIVE BEHAVIOUR

I have been charged with murdering a man
With sandpaper, the really course grit
But I’m pleading it down to manslaughter
Because I only meant to rough him up a bit

EMBRACE WITH CAUTION

Embracing is good, I like to hug, and I like to cuddle
But you should be very careful I would say
As there’s a very fine line between a cuddle
And holding them down so they can't get away

ELEMENTARY TAXI

I jumped into the cab
'Conan Doyle’s Close driver'
Don't worry; he said,
We’ll lose him at the lights Guvna

PARTY GUEST

I went to a party
And I really dressed to kill
The SAS combat fatigues
Seemed to fit the bill

LOST PROPERTY INQUIRY

“Good morning,
Is that lost property?
I have misplaced some articles
Could you possibly help me?

The last time I had them?
Was on a train to Waterloo
Traveling from Rowland’s Castle
I think it was the 9.22

The items are of particular import,
The first item was my heart,
Which has been returned,
In a state of disrepair, but it’s a start

Other articles include, my dignity,
My self respect, have you seen them at all?
What about my back bone
Or perhaps you have found my balls”

IN CASE OF EMERGENCY

Whenever my wife fills in a form for me
And it asks who to notify in an emergency
She always writes down her name, what for?
I don’t want her called, she’s not a doctor

TGIF

I have just looked at the clock
And it’s left me feeling great
Its 4 o’clock on Friday afternoon
Or what I like to call the home straight

THE LOCAL CHEMIST

A pub landlord
Is just a pharmacist
With a more limited
Inventory list

SAY IT AS IT IS

Velveteen isn’t Velvet
And Sateen isn’t silk
A sours ear isn’t a purse
And UHT isn’t milk