TAKEN ITS TOLL
I don’t have a bell to ring
Someone’s taken my dingaling
I don’t know what’s wrong
Someone has taken my dong
I don’t know why the bloody hell
I can’t seem to ring my bell
I know the batteries haven’t run out
It’s not old and clapped out
So I’m at a loss to explain
Why I’m out here in the pouring rain
Now wait a moment that’s not right
It should be visible an LED light
Now that really is quite odd
It’s gone, some thieving little sod
Has stolen the bell push off the door
Light and all, to be seen no more
So I don’t have a bell to ring
As someone’s stolen my dingaling
A CALCULATED DECISION
Miss Armitage entered Calculus class
To stand amidst a disorderly eruption
And she immediately confiscated a catapult
Deemed to be a weapon of math disruption
TENSE TRAVELLER
I just returned yesterday
From the town of Oldham
But as that is in the past now
I suppose it should be Feltham
KATIE SINGS LIBERALLY
I have to say my heart was gladdened
When I heard Katie Melua sing
China has obviously come a long way
If there are 9 million bisexuals in Beijing
ENGLISH DEFENDERS LEAGUE
Goals scored in the premiership
Reached record numbers on Saturday
But that’s what happens when you hold
An EDL rally on the same day
EXTREME SPORTS TIP # 1
You don’t need a parachute
To go skydiving
Unless you want to make it
A regular thing
CLEANING HOUSE
My wife and I went up to the loft the other day
And I cleaned it with her while we were there
But oh dear now there is all hell to pay
As I cant get the cobwebs out of her hair
MEDICAL PRACTICE
I refuse to go to the local doctors,
A medical practice part of the NHS
And I know beggars can’t be choosers
But they can practice on somebody else
TAKEN AT THE FLOOD
As I stand by the placid waters
Watching as the evening sky glows
I ask myself the question
Why didn't Noah kill the two mosquitoes?
OH YES HE IS
On stage at the Victoria
The lad playing Aladdin
Was attacked from behind
But the audience tried to warn him
THE CORRECT SOLUTION
I was caught stealing Tippex
You know, the liquid correction solution
Well my employer pressed charges
And I was sent to a correctional institution
THE PERILS OF FAST FOOD
Why did the hapless Wile E. Coyote
In pursuit of his nemesis, Roadrunner
Spend a fortune on ACME products
Every all singing, all dancing, must have winner
If he had all that money to burn
He could just have paid for his dinner
SELF ANALYSIS
Are you clinically obese?
Is your alcohol intake quite scary?
Do you like to dress up as a woman?
Then eat, drink and be Mary
HELP LINE # 3
I phoned the incontinence help line today
To say “I’m Mrs. Brown, can you help me pray”
In the hope of having my condition assuaged
But try as I might it was always engaged
THE LOUD MINORITY
People today are so self obsessed
So wrapped up in themselves
Banging on about THEIR rights
THEIR civil liberties THEIR freedoms
They have forgotten about the people
Who fought and died to win them
DOCTOR MANNERS
Elsie went to see her doctor
Because of persistent back pain
The doctor was less than sympathetic
Having to examine her again
“I’m sorry Elsie but as I told you before
Its old age, you’re just getting on a bit”
Elsie demanded a second opinion
He said “ok, you also have saggy tits”
THE LATEST FAD
I’ve been on every diet known to man
Atkins, Lemonade, Cabbage and f-plan
And I’ve never lost a thing worthy of mention
But I try every new one, full of good intention
Now I'm on the Whisky diet, which I’m taking steady
And do you know I've lost three days already.
GO WAYNE
“Wayne, go to the paper shop”
“Wayne? Go to the paper shop”
“Cant do it babe, it can’t be done”
“Wayne, just get off your bum”
“Cant be done babe, I can’t do it”
“Wayne just do it you lazy git”
“I’m not being lazy babe honestly”
“It just can’t be done babe really”
“Coz I went to the paper shop yesterday
And it had blown away”
SWEET GIRL
Ahla was very cute and sweet
And she worked at the sweetshop
An appropriate occupation
For such a confection
I asked her out one day
And too my surprise she said yes
But on our first date I found
She was not so cute and sweet
But was rather deliciously sinful
And she gave me a proper treat
But I wasn’t the first to dip his liquorice
In that particular fountain
Every lad with a sweet tooth
Had sampled her pick and mix
Even the oldies with a taste for soft centres
Had tried her Turkish delight
But I didn’t mind sharing
After all a bag of candy goes a long way
But I had to draw the line
When I heard about Bertie Bassett
With whom she did Allsorts
DIVORCE IS..... # 1
Divorce is…
Cathartic, purification
Therapeutically purgative
Like colonic irrigation
CORNERING THE MARKET
The corner shop has reopened
It’s been closed for a bit
It’s got new owners
And they’ve had a refit
I’m not sure if it will succeed
It’s a bit of a niche market
But there’s a new corner shop
So I thought I would try it
I told them “It’s a bit specialized”
I felt it only fare to warn her
And it’s called “the corner shop”
I just bought the four corners
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