Thursday 1 December 2011

A Christmas Selection Box # 11

EVER SO HUMBLE

When toward my bed I stumble
My wife greets me with a grumble
“Hello my little apple crumble”
I say as in her nightgown I fumble
My advances are met with a mumble
“Dearest, my desire is quite humble
A little bit of rough and tumble”
Her reply is yet another mumble
But we did have a Christmas fumble

SANTA AND HIS LITTLE ELF

Santa and his little Elf
Have been dismissed
For activities undertaken
When they were pissed
That got both of them
Put on the naughty list

CHRISTMAS SWEATER

My sister in law
Fills a sweater well
I think she’s rather hot
The truth to tell

For Christmas
I bought for her
A button fronted
Lambs wool sweater

I want to see her in it
I just can’t wait
She has a figure
To really fascinate

It has ten buttons
It’ll be a tight fit
Very figure hugging
That’s how I like it

She has breasts
Quite first rate
She has curves
That really titillate

She has a figure
To really fascinate
Of the ten buttons
She’ll only fasten eight

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS KNICKS?

Are you wearing Christmas knicks?
Proper novelty underwear
All festively decked down below
In a suitably seasonal pair
It doesn’t matter the decor
It will make an old man stare
Just you in your Christmas knickers
What wonderful Christmas fare

MERRY CHRISTMAS HO HO HO

Merry Christmas Ho Ho Ho
Is Santa’s motto
And Santa thought that
He’d won the lotto
When he scored big
With three girls so hot-o
They were doing things
In Santa’s grotto
That Santa’s and Elves
Should definitely not-o
But merry Christmas
Ho Ho Ho is his motto

SANTA AND ELFIE

Santa and Elfie
Were caught in the buff
At it in the grotto,
Santa and his bit of stuff
The store manager
Decided to get tough
And sacked them
Saying enough was enough
Now Santa’s not jolly
In fact he’s quite gruff
As Santa’s little helper
Is now up the duff

DEPARTMENT STORE SANTA

Against my better judgement
I took my young son to the store
And we queued up for an hour
So he could see Santa Claus

The grotto was cheap and nasty
It was a terrible site to behold
I thought the whole thing a rip off
And my son thought he was too old

Santa’s little helper was pregnant
The head Elf was high as a kite
But I thought if we stayed in line
Every thing would turn out alright

Well he climbed onto Santa’s lap
To tell him his Christmas wish
But Santa smelled of whisky
And his trousers smelled of piss

It was about making memories
Well, according to my wife
But instead of a memorable visit
I think we scarred him for life

NEW FOR CHRISTMAS

There is to be a new sanitary product
That is set to make cash registers ring
A new tampon in the shops by Christmas
That comes complete with a tinsel string

The retailers are extremely confident
And believe that sales will be myriad
But they have been at pains to stress
They are only meant for the festive period

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS STOCKINGS?

Are you wearing Christmas stockings?
Beneath your long red coat
Are you suitably resplendent?
Will you really float my boat?
Are they risqué and shocking?
Will they easily get my vote?
It could mean a happy Christmas
For a certain horny old goat

DEAR SWEET CINDERELLA

Dear sweet Cinderella
Does no one love you at all?
Is that the real reason?
You’re not going to the ball

Or is there another reason
Are you just too sweet?
Just simply too demure
To be given such a treat

If your morals were looser
You would gain a reputation
And you would be asked
Without any hesitation

A stain on your character
Will show blacker than cinders
And you will go to the ball
And have a ball dear Sin-ders

BRANDISHING YOUR MISTLETOE

It’s Christmas Eve so off you go
Start brandishing your mistletoe
March off purposely through the snow
To find yourself a Christmas ho

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS GARTERS?

Are you wearing Christmas garters?
Answer me that one for starters
Beneath your dress up high
Around your black clad thigh
Where the black sheath is stopping
Where they are lacy at the topping
Are there festive garter rings
Sexily placed decorative things
Please answer this one for starters
Are you wearing Christmas garters?

IT’S THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS DO

It’s the office Christmas do
So let’s have a tipple or two
We can drink the Spanish sherry
We can drink until we’re merry
Then into an office we’ll stumble
And we’ll have a Christmas fumble
CHRISTMAS NEW BORN

You came into our lives
A fighter and a screamer
Born to us at Christmas
Just like our redeemer

And how we loved you
Right from the very start
But naming you was hard
What name should we impart?

Then like a light coming on
The answer rang like a bell
You were born at Christmas
So we would call you Noelle

IF ANYONE LOVED CHRISTMAS

If anyone loved Christmas
Then it would be Molly
She loved the mistletoe
She loved the holly
She loved drinking eggnog
She loved feeling jolly

And between me and you
Mr Jolly liked it too

A Christmas Selection Box # 10

MERRY CHRISTMAS, MERRY CHRISTMAS

Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas,
I hear the bell chimes
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas,
The best of all times
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas,
The old and the new
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas,
Merry Christmas to you

ALL ACROSS THIS COUNTRY

All across this country
All across this land
All across the world
His route is carefully planned

To keep ahead of the sun
To miss the no fly zones
Avoid the passenger planes
And steer clear of traffic cones

He must carefully time his mission
To a schedule carefully trialled
To ensure its full success
And not disappoint a single child

JOY BRINGER, TOY BRINGER

Joy bringer
Toy bringer
He’s the real McCoy
For every girl and boy

NOT A THRIFT GIVER

Not a thrift giver
But a gift giver
Santa will forever
Have love to deliver

THIS IS OUR FIRST CHRISTMAS

This is our first Christmas
As husband and wife
The very first Christmas
Of our married life
This is our first Christmas
Together in our house
The very first Christmas
With my very own spouse

PUT ASIDE YOUR SADNESS

Put aside your sadness
Lose yourself in the madness
That is Christmas,
Come spend it with us
Come and you will see
That with cherished company
The season will be a little brighter
And the weight on your heart a little lighter

THEY ARE THE THREE KINGS

There are three things
That Christmas brings
They are the three kings

Trimming and dec-king
Gratefully than-king,
And memory ma-king,

I DON’T WANT TO WISH YOU

I don’t want to wish you
A happy holiday
No that I will not say

I’m not going to wish you
A happy yuletide
No that I will not abide

I’m not going to wish you
A happy festive period,
No and the reasons are myriad

I’m not going to wish you
A happy winter festival
No, that isn’t suitable

I’m going to wish to you
A very happy Christmas
So have a very Happy Christmas

MY CHRISTMAS GIFT TO YOU

My Christmas gift to you
Is not wrapped up in coloured paper,
Tied with ribbon and bows
And hidden beneath the tree
It’s visible for all to see
It is written on my face
Like ink on parchment
It spills out from my heart
Like boiling milk from a pan
It emanates from my every pore
And surrounds us all
My Christmas gift to you
Is my never ending love

PS – there are gifts under the tree as well

WHEN CHRISTMAS WEARS ITS TINSELLED GOWN

When Christmas wears its tinselled gown
Joy fills the streets around the town
We must banish those who wear a frown
As we celebrate the King with the holy crown

A CHRISTMAS DREAM

It was just another dream
That I awoke from that morn
It was a very familiar dream
A regular one rather well worn

The theme was the same as usual
The dream was all about you
Just another stupid dream
That will never come true

But it wasn’t exactly the same
It was a variation on a theme
This time it had changed
It was a Christmas dream

But this time it felt so real
Will it ever come true?
This Christmas dream of mine
About spending Christmas with you

A Christmas Selection Box # 9

CHRISTMAS (ACROSTIC)

Candles burn on advent crown,
Holly boughs are cut,
Red ribbon binds the wreath, and
Incense fragrances the air
Spices make the senses tingle
Treats await the patient lip, as
Merriment is close at hand,
Anticipation keenly felt, as the
Special day grows near

I WOULD GIVE TO YOU ON CHRISTMAS MORNING

I would give to you
On Christmas morning
The gift of love
Contained within my heart
So I could deliver it
And to show good faith
I would wrap it in my soul
Then you would have the best of me
For with no heart and soul
I am but an empty shell
So I would give you that as well
And then you would have all of me

CHRISTMAS IS A GIFT

Christmas is a gift
A gift to the world
Of infinite grace
A special gift
Of redemption for all
Don’t cast it aside

CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS

Celebrate Christmas
With Christ, in his house
With his love in your heart
You can’t celebrate him
In a pub, or in gluttony and avarice
At the shopping mall

ON A STILL CLEAR NIGHT

The shepherds rested in the firelight
When they were woken on a still clear night
By heavens choir hastening them
To go forth unto Bethlehem
The heavenly choir
Sang of Gods desire
To give the world his son
His one and only one
The choir continued to sing
And announced the birth of a king

LONELY THIS CHRISTMAS

I want you with me at Christmas
I want you to be at home
And I know it’s not possible
But I just don’t want to be alone

MISSING YOU

We want you home at Christmas
We want you to spend it with us
But we understand the reason why
And we promise to try not to cry
We will spend Christmas on our own
Until you come marching safely home

THE CHRISTMAS ORNAMENTS

When first you hear
A seasonal refrain
You know its time
To climb the ladder again
Up to the attic
Amongst the dust
To find the box
That is a must.
Where your heart will lift
At its very sight
And when in hand
You’ll grip it tight
Such is its precious nature
A box of magic
Of which its loss
Would be so tragic
For so special are
The boxes contents
Because this box
Contains the ornaments
That will grace the tree
And each trinket and angel
Every bell and bauble
Has a special tale to tell
For every ornament
That hangs upon the tree
Holds its own
Christmas memory

ITS NOT THAT I’M ANTI SOCIAL

I won’t come to the pub
Thank you all the same
Not in celebration
No thanks I will refrain

I will go to church
Thank you all the same
To celebrate the day
That the Lord came

UP AT THE CRACK OF DAWN

Don’t worry that the little ones
Will be up at the crack of dawn
It is worth it to see the simple joy
In their eyes on Christmas morn

SOMETHING MAGICAL IS HAPPENING

Something magical is happening
Can you feel it?
Something special is on its way
You all love it

Christmas is coming and hearts
Are full to brimming
Because Christmas is abiding love
With all the trimmings

A Christmas Selection Box # 8

MORE NUTS THAN CAN BE CRACKED

We buy more drink than can be drunk
We buy more food than can be eaten
We give more gifts than can be appreciated
But for fun Christmas can’t be beaten

KEEPING UP WITH THE JONES’S

It can only be Christmas
When the sane start acting funny
Going nuts for Christmas’s sake
And spending too much money

Even the levelheaded slip
And fall at the Christmas season
Swept along with the throng
Losing all sense of reason

Why does it always happen?
Why does madness always descend?
It seems that the less people have
The more they want to spend

So desperate not to miss out
And to have their share of festive cheer
They have a very happy Christmas
And pay the price all the coming year

THE GIFT OF GIVING

Gift giving
Is in itself a gift
Get it right
And watch spirits lift
Get it wrong
And they’ll be miffed
And undoubtedly
You’ll get short shrift
It isn’t in every one
Not everyone is able
So be warned
As you wrap and label
That a turkey
May not be confined to the table

CHRISTMAS SPIRIT

Christmas spirit,
No matter what you might think
Doesn’t come in a bottle
It isn’t a drink
It cannot be supped
But can be consumed
But its presence
Cannot be presumed
It must be cherished
Where it is found
Respectfully nurtured
And then spread around

ANOTHER OLD FOLKS CHRISTMAS PARTY

Another old folks Christmas party
Old friends well met, hail and hearty
Thoughts of the past would produce a tear
But a shared memory brought some cheer
And while remembering the good old days
A glass they would all gladly raise

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND GOODWILL TO ALL MEN

“Merry Christmas
And goodwill to all men”
Does that irritate you?
I’m not alone then
The men have done nothing,
Remember
Since the final BBQ
Back in September
It’s the mums
Who spend the whole of December
With everything to do
And everything to remember
While they sit
TV remote in hand drinking beer
Where is the mums well deserved
Christmas cheer
Why can’t we sit down?
On our overworked bums
“Merry Christmas
And goodwill to all mums”

THE TREE OF EVERGREEN

A top the tree of evergreen
See the star of Christmas sit
While scattered on its boughs
The coloured lights are lit

On the branches baubles hang
Glorious globes of glass delight
Candy canes and little gifts
And silver tinsel twinkling bright

And below the tree of evergreen
Adorned in festive dress
Sits the pile of Christmas gifts
Awaited with eagerness

LISTEN ON CHRISTMAS MORNING

On Christmas morning
While tree tops still glisten
If you stop opening presents
And take a moment to listen

You will hear a sound
Unmistakable, clear and true
The sound of Love
Will be in the room with you

WE THREE KINGS

We three Kings
Of Orient are
- not part of a meritocracy

MARY CHRISTMAS

Before Mary Christmas
Married Santa Claus
She had some concerns
And decided to take pause
To discuss a pre-nup
Within the current laws
She was not concerned
With any character flaws
She just wanted the security
Of a get out Claus

A Christmas Selection Box # 7

THE GLAD THE MAD AND THE BAD

Well it’s that time of year again
The time when we feign gladness
When we all get caught up
In the annual collective madness
The time of year when we pretend
The world is not full of badness

STALKS AND STEMS

On a bed of haulm
In a stable bare
The son off God
Is laying there

BOXING DAY MORNING

If you wake up and feel like hell,
And if you really feel quite unwell
Then that is the best way for you to tell
That you really did Christmas well

CHRISTMAS CAME EARLY

Well I think it has happened
It is my darkest fear
Christmas is getting earlier
Each and every year

When I was at the mall today
I heard Bing Crosby croon
“White Christmas”
And it’s still only June

CHRISTMAS GREETINGS

This is the happy season
Of peace and goodwill
And joy to the world
Let good rule over ill
Merry Christmas world
From here to Brazil
Joy to the entire world
For peace is Gods will

CHRISTMAS OVER INDULGENCE

There isn’t any doubt or question
What caused this awful indigestion
It wasn’t the five course lunch
Or all the sweets we had to munch
It wasn’t the Lager the Stout or the Shandy
It wasn’t the Wine the Scotch or the Brandy
No the culprit with out any doubts
Was the obligatory spoonful of sprouts

BY CAR, BY PLANE, BY TRAIN

They make the journey each year
By car, by plane, by train,
Travelling across the miles
To spend Christmas at home again

I CAN’T WAIT UNTIL CHRISTMAS

I can’t wait until Christmas
I just want to let you know
You have all my love
This Christmas tied up with a bow

BLESSED IS THE HOLY SEASON

Blessed is the holy season
Jesus Christ is the reason
Let the garlands be unfurled
For a gift of love unto the world

WHEN THE GIFTS HAVE ALL BEEN OPENED

When the gifts have all been opened
And the season starts to wane
When December days have passed by
And a New Year starts again
Let’s pack away the decorations
But let the love and peace remain

THE CROWDS ARE BUSTLING

The crowds are bustling
On the busy Christmas streets
The throng is blustering
In search of Christmas treats
Tills are ringing out their Christmas song
In the markets and the shopping mall
Everyone gets a piece of the action
Street traders, vendors, buskers and all

MARIE CHRISTMAS

Marie Christmas
Loved the season
And she loved it
For a special reason

For it was the time
She would see her beau
As he flew his sleigh
Going ho ho ho

A Christmas Selection Box # 6

I’M DREAMING OF A WHITE CHRISTMAS # 2

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas,
Just like the ones I used to know
But to be honest I drink so much
I won’t even notice if it snows

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO THE ONE I LOVE # 2

Though my love for Christ is boundless
On Christmas day I cannot be untrue
For my love for you is over flowing
And he must share my heart with you

ON THE EVE OF THE SPECIAL DAY # 2

On the eve of the special day
As the fire burns in the grate
I long for eternal goodwill
And an end to eternal hate

LITTLE CHILD, LONELY CHILD

Little child,
Lonely child,
Face pressed
Against the glass
Breath blooming,
On the window pain
What do you seek?
Outside in the cold
In that bleak winter scene
Do you listen for sleigh bells?
Out in the snow
Is it the man in red?
You wait alone for
Why do you listen?
So intently at the silence
What was that sound?
Out in the cold
Not sleigh bells
No a car door
Now a figure appears
Who is it?
Not the man in red
Little child,
Lonely child,
Is excited now,
Rushes to the door
Its daddy, its daddy
Home at last

WHILE SHEPHERDS WATCHED - SAFELY

While shepherds watched their flocks by night
All seated on the ground,
An inspector from the HSE came down
And he quickly wore a frown

BLESSED DAY

It was the day when Jesus Christ was born
That long, long ago first Christmas Morn,
The child whose coming had been foretold
A child more precious than diamonds or gold
God’s great gift to us on that blessed day
That most glorious first Christmas day

THINKING ABOUT CHRISTMAS

I’m sitting here in dread
Memories of you filling my head
Sitting here so totally alone
Afraid of Christmas on my own
It was always you and me
Doing Christmas so merrily
Then you had to go and die
Leaving me with no goodbye
Losing you was such a blow
I know you didn’t choose to go
But I’m the one that’s left
I’m the one lonely and bereft
And for that simple reason
I close the curtains on the season
I will make my Christmas solitary
And not have to try to be merry
And I will avoid the usual jollity
All our friends and their frivolity

CHRISTMAS CANDLES
(Sung to the tune of Sixteen Candles)

Christmas Candles, make a lovely light
But not as bright as the light of Christ
(as the light of Christ) (Oh)
Light up the candles, for all the world to view
For every candle says, Happy Christmas to you
(Happy Christmas to you)

CHRISTMAS SURPRISE

She likes surprises
And at Christmas even more
So I do what I can
To give her surprises galore

Each year it gets harder
But I do what I can
This year I will tell her
I haven’t always been a man

THE SALVATION ARMY BELLS

The sound of Christmas really tells
In the ring of the Salvation Army bells
Calling out into the dark
Calling out to the heart
Ringing out in the throng
Singing out a heralding song
Give a little, not a lot
Give a little for their lot
They have little, but are not less
Give your coins and let them bless
A tale of generosity tells
In the ring of the Salvation Army’s bells

CHRISTMAS ARRIVAL

So what should we name you?
On such an auspicious day
It must be a fitting name
And chosen in a respectful way

We couldn’t name you Jesus
That just wouldn’t fit
You couldn’t go thru life
Named Jesus Schmitt
And anyway you’re a girl
So we named you Kit

CHRISTMAS CARD SELECTION

I bought a bumper selection
Of Christmas cards today
One hundred assorted cards
A real bargain I would say

But not a shepherd or angel
Nor a stable, a star or a king
Not a holy word of praise
No Jesus, no God not a thing

I told my wife of my disgust
She said not to make a fuss
But they had managed to take
Christ out of Christmas

A Christmas Selection Box # 5

ON THE EVE OF THE SPECIAL DAY # 1

On the eve of the special day
As I sit beside the fire
Peace upon the earth
Is my one abiding desire

I’M DREAMING OF A WHITE CHRISTMAS # 1

“I’m dreaming of a white Christmas,
Just like the ones I used to know”
But if I should run out of the white
I will gladly drink the red though

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO THE ONE I LOVE # 1

Merry Christmas sweetheart, the one I love,
On this day when love is keenest felt,
The day when closed minds are opened
And even the coldest hearts can melt

A CAROL FOR THE 21ST CENTURY – WE THREE KINGS

We three Kings of Orient are,
Bearing gifts we traverse afar,
Beer and liqueur
CD and voucher
Following yonder star

DASHING THROUGH THE SNOW

Dashing through the snow
On a one horse open sleigh,
Over fields we go
Laughing all the way
Then the reins do snap,
We weren’t expecting that
Now we laugh no more
As we hit a tree so fat

Oh ambulance bells, ambulance bells
Sirens all the way
They dragged us from the wreck
Of a one horse open sleigh
Oh ambulance bells, ambulance bells
Sirens all the way
Oh, what fun it’s NOT to ride
In a one horse open sleigh

FORCED ENTRY

I came home today to a horrible sight
All the doors and windows were smashed in
And inside, everything was gone
They had taken absolutely everything
I felt so violated so degraded
How could something like this occur?
What sort of sick person does that?
To someone's Advent calendar

ALPHABET OF CHRISTMAS

A is for
Advent, the count down to Christmas
B is for the
Bells that ring out in celebration
C is for the
Candle that spreads his light
D is for the
Decorations that dress our homes
E is for the
Extra spring in our collective step
F is for
Felicitations and festivities
G is for the
Gift that God gave too us
H is for the
Happiness of the Christmas season
I is for the
Illumination of the world
J is for
Jesus born into that world
K is for the
King, humbly born in a stable
L is for the
Love of Jesus Christ
M is for the
Magi who followed the star
N is for the
Nativity in Bethlehem
O is for
Old acquaintances re-met
P is for the
Presents beneath the tree
Q is for
Quintessence of the Christmas spirit
R is for the
Rejoicing in Christ’s name
S is for the
Star that adorned the Christmas sky
T is for the
Tinsel that adorns the trees
U is for the
Universal love of Christ
V is for the
Victorious celebration of his birth
W is for the
Wise men from the east
X is for
Xmas, the best time of the year
Y is for the
Yuletide season and its joys
Z is for the
Zest of enthusiastic enjoyment

CHRISTMAS GOOD WILL

I look from my window
Upon a street of cheer
And as I look upon the scene
As Christmas day draws near
I pray that this good will
Could last throughout the year

CHRISTMAS SUPERSTITION

Is Christmas day on Friday this year?
I think that it is, that’s what I hear
I’m one of those superstitious men
So let's hope it's not the 13th then

SNOW BLIND

Since the snow began to fall
My wife has done nothing at all
But stare blankly through the window
As the snow lays snow on snow
If it continues in this way
We shall have a white Christmas day
But my wife stares through the glass
As the snow falls thick and fast
Sadly if it gets any worse out side
I'll have to let her come inside

NEW BABY AT CHRISTMAS

Oh how our hearts melted
When you were born
A gift to us from God
Given on Christmas morn

CHRISTMAS INDULGENCE

We spend the day
Eating more than we should
Turkey and trimmings
And rich Christmas pud
Mince pies and cream
Great petite fours
Pretzels and nuts
Wines and liqueurs
Cookies and marzipan
Chocolate Yule log
Rich Christmas cake
And creamy eggnog
Chocolate Orange
Chocolate Brazils
Hot Bombay mix
Twiglets and Pringles
Sweet candied fruits
Sugar coated almonds
Cold turkey sandwich,
Till I’m suitably rotund

A Christmas Selection Box # 4

MY FAVOURITE THINGS AT XMAS # 4

The reindeer that fly like the birds on the wing
Santa Claus commanding with his gifts to bring
Joy bringing Carollers with songs to sing
These are a few of my favourite things

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 191

Christmas is coming,
The stores are getting fat
But no one has put a penny
In this old mans hat;
There’s not a single penny,
Or a ha'penny to be seen,
I hate Christmas shoppers
They’re so bloody mean

CHRISTMAS DREAM # 4

I dream of Christmas
Warming us from winters chill
When hearts are overflowing
With seasonal good will

A CAROL FOR THE 21ST CENTURY – RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose,
And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows,
All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names,
They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games.
(Now I don’t want you to think it was because he was a freak
The simple truth is Rudolph was a really anti social little bastard)

IF DECEMBER ICE

If December ice will bear a duck
Thereafter will be slush and muck
But grab the duck off the ice
And Christmas lunch be very nice

CANDLELIGHT

Across the distant lonely miles
There stands my love
With comrades brave
Who stands beneath a Christmas sky
Singing carols just as I
Familiar carols
And sentiments we share.
Of course it’s Christmas,
That makes me wish you near
And makes me wipe away a tear
I pray to God to keep you safe
To wrap you in his loving light
Now the bells of Christmas fill the air
And I think of my love standing there
Underneath the Christmas sky.
In the church I keep a candle lit
That will burn while we’re apart
And my undying love for him
Will keep burning in my heart

GIRL POWER

All of the reindeer
Pulling Santa’s sleigh
Are adorned with antlers
As they make their way

Well, only female reindeer
On the Christmas flight
Still retain their antlers
By Christmas night

So the whole team are girls
Is that really shocking?
An all female team?
Carrying gifts for every stocking

Who else could be trusted?
To circumnavigate the globe
In only one night
Not the guy in the red robe

But the overweight old man
With no dress sense
Who is too lazy to shave
Gets thanked for the presents

And do we get any recognition
For delivering the toys
No we don’t get a mention
And everyone thinks that we are boys

CHRISTMAS RECIPE

Why can we not bottle its essence?
The Christmas recipe,
That heady concoction
That special combination
Light of heart,
Quick of step
A song on the lips
A symphony in the heart
Externally warmed by the fireside
Internally warmed by mulled wine
Generosity of spirit
Jollity and laughter
Its crisp cold winter days
And frosty starry nights
Evergreens and mistletoe
The smells of a Christmas kitchen
Infused with cinnamon and ginger
It’s over indulgence
It’s thinking of others
Absent friends
Far away loved ones
It’s sharing and caring
It’s loving thy neighbour
Its compassion
Its children laughing
Its mothers sighing
It’s the Christmas recipe
Why can we not bottle its essence
So that at times when are souls are troubled
Or our hearts are heavy
At moments when the darkness has descended
We could unscrew the cap
And breathe deeply of its heady brew
And be once more refreshed

CHRISTMAS GIFTS – HIS AND HERS

I got a book for Christmas
“101 sexual positions”
I got it from my brother
My wife also received a book
“102 handy excuses”
A present from her mother

CHRISTMAS ESSENCE

You are my Christmas essence
My yuletide effervescence
You breathe life into me
Oh how you appeal to me
Dressed in your Christmas tights
And the Santa sweater that fits just right
Oh you naughty little Christmas flirt
Wearing your short red Christmas skirt
You are the spirit of my season
You are the rhyme and the reason
But as you spread your Christmas joy
Pleasing every girl and boy
There is something you don’t know
I feel stirrings down below
Because when your sleigh bells jingle
It makes all my senses tingle
Because you so excite me
How I want you to delight me
You are my Christmas dish
You are my every Christmas wish
Every year I make this plea
To let me unwrap you beneath the tree
But again you are not among my presents
But you will remain my Christmas essence

CHRISTMAS WISHES JUST FOR YOU

Christmas wishes just for you
Sent with love, tried and true
I send you love, I send you cheer,
I just wish we weren’t apart this year
COLD CHRISTMAS

I can’t believe you did it
How typically bold
Dumping me at Christmas
How awfully cold

Still on the bright side
I won’t have to strain and heave
Rushing to find a gift
For you on Christmas Eve

I won’t spend the season
Living like a monk
I’ll be very merry
If not drunk as a skunk

But I can’t believe you did it
It’s a really shitty thing to do
Dumping me at Christmas
How typical of you

It’s probably for the best
So I won’t shed a tear
Have a merry Christmas
And a really shit New Year

A Christmas Selection Box # 3

MY FAVOURITE THINGS AT XMAS # 3

Hearing the Church bells and sleigh bells ringing
Midnight mass worship with Carol singing
Singing in praise of the King of Kings
These are a few of my favourite things

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 182

Father Christmas, Father Christmas,
Got an itch, Got an itch;
Coming down the chimney,
Coming down the chimney;
On his snitch, On his snitch.

CHRISTMAS DREAM # 3

I dream of Christmas
And Santa's loaded sleigh
I dream about the reindeer
Bringing Santa Claus my way

A CAROL FOR THE 21ST CENTURY – THE ROCKING CAROL

Little Jesus sweetly sleep, do not stir,
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,

Little Jesus sweetly sleep, just you stick,
We will lend you man made fabric,
We wont rock you, rock you, rock you,
We wont rock you, as were not qualified

EVERYONE ATTENDED

Everyone attended
No one was excused
Christmas morning mass
Was one of those to-do’s
And even the church mice
Sat smartly in their pews

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE

The presents look wonderful
Beneath the Christmas tree
The holly and the mistletoe
Are arranged delightfully

The gingerbread men are ready
Cinnamon cookies are fresh baked
The Yule log is ready for cutting
And so is the Christmas cake

Festive cocktails have been mixed
The eggnog will taste sublime
There are traditional winter ales
Or there is always the mulled wine

Then the bells of Christmas ring,
Well the doorbell is ringing
Is that the guest’s arriving?
Or the carollers come singing

Friends and family have arrived
Its time to meet and greet
They have travelled far and near
To see them is such a treat

The mantel dressed with greens
The scent of Christmas fills the air
And all the children rush to see
The stockings hanging there

I love these get-togethers
And when all is said and done
We’re making Christmas memories
So Merry Christmas everyone

WHO ATE AL THE PIES?

The old fat fella
In the big red suit
Of delivering gifts
In his festive pursuit

Wide black belt
And big black boot
The jolly fat bloke
Ruddy and hirsute

He does great good
That’s not in dispute
But he eats too much
So he’s a chubby brute

So when he visits
On his Christmas commute
Don’t leave him a pie
Leave him some fruit

IN THE BLEAK MID WINTER

I’m not looking for a white Christmas
For my life is already a cold place
Bleak and forbidding
So I have no need of snow
Carpets of white everywhere
Winter fills my every day
My life is perpetual winter
Because you have taken my warmth
You were the heart of me
You sent the blood coursing through me
You were the sun in my sky
Now my life is tundra
And I am just a frozen husk
To numb to exist

ESSENTIAL INGREDIENT

I have no need of Christmas
I have no need of memories
I have no desire to make plans
To join in with the festivities

Don’t wish me merry Christmas
I have no need of Christmas cheer
For me it won’t be Christmas
Until my darling wife is here

So save your merry Christmas
Don’t send your jollity my way
Keep the Christmas fizz on ice
Until she’s home on Christmas day

This is for all those whose loved ones have to work on Christmas day.

CHRISTMAS TREE

My brother has a Christmas tree
My sister has one too
My parents have a Christmas tree
That is beautiful to view

The town square has a Christmas tree
The school has one too
Trafalgar square has a Christmas tree
That is beautiful to view

And the thing they have in common
Is that they are CHRISTMAS trees
Decorated and trimmed
To be quite beautiful you see

They are not part of a general holiday
Nor are they akin to Hanukkah
They are not part of a Winter Festival
CHRISTMAS Trees is what they are

And around our Christmas tree
We celebrate the blessed day
And all say Happy Christmas
But never happy holiday

KEEP THE SPIRIT

Try to keep the spirit
Of Christmas true in your heart
Every day of the year

TOO MERRY CHRISTMAS

I made too merry yesterday
I had a splendid day
In Christmas celebration
I indulged in every way
But now my head is splitting
The morning after the play
So I will nurse my head
For all of Boxing Day

A Christmas Selection Box # 2

MY FAVOURITE THINGS AT XMAS # 2

Mulled wine and eggnog, a schooner of sherry
Baileys and Babycham to keep the girls merry
Singing along as Bing Crosby sings
These are a few of my favourite things

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 178

Father Christmas, Father Christmas,
Left his bag, Left his bag;
Up beside the chimney,
Up beside the chimney;
What a drag, what a drag.

CHRISTMAS DREAM # 2

I dream of Christmas
Laying in my cozy room
Dreaming of the carol singers
Singing their Christmas tunes

A CAROL FOR THE 21ST CENTURY - AWAY IN A MANGER

Away in a manger
No crib for a bed …
The little Lord Jesus
Lay down his sweet head
I don’t think it matters
How gently you sing
Social services don’t care
For this kind of thing

CHRISTMAS IS THE PERFECT TIME

Christmas is the perfect time
For the perfect Christmas rhyme
So when the bells of Christmas chime
Have the happiest Christmas time

THE GHOSTS OF CHRISTMAS PAST

On the north winds they come
Blown in on Decembers icy blast
Unwelcome visitors come calling
The ghosts of Christmas past

Creeping in with happier memories
Standing out in stark contrast
Sad memories best forgotten
The ghosts of Christmas past

ALL ACROSS THE GLOBE

All across the globe
They are seen together
On every continent
And in every weather
The Christian cross
And the pagan tree
To celebrate the birth
Of Christianity

THE CHURCH IS FULL

The church is full
On Christmas day
From miles around
They came to praise
And share in the joy
Of the blessed gift
Given to the world
To heal the rift

CHRISTMAS FOLLY REVISITED

I have no need of jollity
Or happy yuletide fare
I have no Christmas gift to wrap
There’s no one here to share

I have no time for Christmas
Just the time to reminisce
I have no need of mistletoe
Because she’s not here to kiss

So I will spend the time alone
On a lonely Christmas day
But I have no need of sympathy
Because I let her slip away

CHRISTMAS DOESN’T LIVE HERE ANYMORE

There will be no wreath on the door
Not a single decoration will be seen
Cards will be recycled unopened
Christmas doesn’t live here anymore

There will be no gifts beneath the tree
There will be no turkey with all the trimmings
There will be no festive merriment
Christmas doesn’t live here anymore

There will be no season’s greetings
There will be no Christmas joy
There will be no festive spirit
Christmas doesn’t live here anymore

This Christmas day will be like any other day
A day full of abject loneliness
For since my darling joined the angels
Christmas doesn’t live here anymore

REMEMBRANCE SHINES

Remembrance shines most
Bright, like the Christmas candle light,
During the Christmas rite

CHRISTMAS FELICITATIONS

Merry Christmas,
Good will to all men,
The festive season
Is with us once again,

The special holy day
Is growing very near
So Merry Christmas
And a Happy New Year

A Christmas Selection Box # 1

MY FAVOURITE THINGS AT XMAS # 1

Baubles and bells and candle light glows
Bright coloured parcels tied up with bows
Candy and spices and popcorn on strings
These are a few of my favourite things

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 173

Father Christmas, Father Christmas,
He got stuck, he got stuck;
Coming down the chimney,
Coming down the chimney;
Too much tuck, Too much tuck.

CHRISTMAS DREAM # 1

I dream of Christmas
And hope the snow will fall
I dream of a snowy scene
When Santa comes to call

A CAROL FOR THE 21ST CENTURY – LITTLE DONKEY

Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road,
Got to keep on plodding onwards, with your precious load.
- Stuff that cant we get the bus?

SAD CHRISTMAS

There is a pain in my chest
Where my heart used to be
There are tears in my eyes
That are blinding me
Let the season pass
Without my participation
Christmas won't be merry
Is my sad anticipation

CHRISTMAS GATEAU

It is time for me to make
My most special Christmas cake
The only thing you need to start
Is the most joyous open heart
Then add by the pound
All the love that can be found
Delightful festive merriments
And simple humble ingredients
Thankfulness and Gratitude
Lashings of positive attitude
Laced with Christmas cheer
And a cup of Christmas beer
An abundance of good wishes
With lots of hugs and kisses
Not forgetting laughter and fun
Enough to serve everyone
And to complete my Gateau
I garnish with sprigs of mistletoe

MISSING EVERYONE

I miss everyone so much, that I fear
I’ll dampen everyone’s Christmas cheer
Then your emailed movie clip appears
And when I’ve wiped away my misty tears
The long miles seem to disappear
And feel more like you are all near
So I put away my lonely fears
Have another glass that cheers
And I’ll see you all on New Years

I JUST OPENED MY PRESENT

My old aunt just popped round
With a Christmas gift for me
It wasn’t what I was expecting
It was a tweedy dye Mankini

“I hope it’s the one you wanted”
I didn’t know what to say really
I couldn’t understand it
I asked for a CD by Mancini

CHRISTMAS COMPLIMENT

As I was basting the bird
A thought, to me occurred
It was only at this time of peace
That Turkey and Greece,
As with hot fat you smother,
Compliment each other

THE LESSER OF TWO EVILS

Last year at the Christmas fair
I reached for my wallet and it wasn’t there
I was going to report my cards stolen
But I didn’t bother I must declare
As the thieves spent considerably less
Than my extravagant wife Claire
YOU’RE MY CHRISTMAS ANGEL

You’re my Christmas angel
You’re my very own Christmas delight.
Please stay with me tonight

IF ANYONE LOVED CHRISTMAS

If anyone loved Christmas
Then it would be Molly
She loved the mistletoe
She loved the holly
She loved drinking eggnog
She loved feeling jolly

And between me and you
Mr Jolly liked it too


Saturday 19 November 2011

ADMIRATION AND LOVE # 6

RAVEN HEADED MAIDEN FAIR

All I can do is stand and stare
At the raven headed maiden fair
The girl with the flowing black hair
Oh beautiful maiden standing there
With tresses of flowing black hair
Please be the answer to my prayer

I HAVE A PICTURE OF YOU

I have a picture of you,
In my wallet,
It’s a little the worse for wear
But I treasure it
I’m sure you’ll remember it
It was on the sea front
That last day I spent with you
I thought it was a happy day
You seemed happy too
I often study that little snap
Looking for any tell tale signs
But if they exist, they evade me
It doesn’t show in your eyes
There’s no hint in your smile
But still you left me

THE FIRST REAL KISS

She leaned her face towards me
Slowly, yet purposefully
And touched my lips gently with hers
For just the merest moment
A single spinetingling moment
Then she stopped
And pulled her head away
Looking deep into my eyes
With a commanding gaze
Which demanded loudly
That I should reciprocate
I wrapped my arms around her waist
Pulling her close to me.
When our lips met this time
They parted on contact
And our tongues flicked
Vigourously exploring each others mouths
It was my first real kiss
And what a kiss it was
A toe curling
Nerve tingling
Sweet moment of bliss

WHITE AS LILY

Full moon, white as Lily
how you do pluck at the strings
of young lovers hearts

ADMIRATION AND LOVE # 5

GOLDEN HEADED MAIDEN FAIR

All I can do is stand and stare
At the golden headed maiden fair
The girl with the dazzling yellow hair
Oh beautiful maiden standing there
With tresses of dazzling yellow hair
Please be the answer to my prayer

OUR LOVE IS OLD

Our love is old,
Our love is true,
When we’re apart
Our hearts are blue
I love you madly
And you love me too

YOUR TENDER TOUCH

Your tender touch
Meant so much
I miss your touch
A touch too much
Your tender touch
That was nonesuch

I STOP, I REMINISCE

I stop, I reminisce
That perfect time I miss
A smile, a look, a kiss
A moment of bliss
Sweet reminisce

PARAMOUR IN THE WINGS

Paramour in the wings
Mistress in waiting
The smitten kitten
With the concubine heart

ADMIRATION AND LOVE # 4

CHESTNUT HEADED MAIDEN FAIR

All I can do is stand and stare
At the chestnut headed maiden fair
The girl with the shinning brown hair
Oh beautiful maiden standing there
With tresses of shinning brown hair
Please be the answer to my prayer

TO SLEEP, PERCHANCE TO DREAM

How eagerly I await the night
When I can drift through
The curtain of sleep,
Into the dreamlands
Where sweet maidens await
With smiles of seduction,
Sweet tender caresses
And whispered words of love
Until I am torn away
Into the waking hour

THE LIGHT OF LOVE

I want to stir the slumber
Of your lonesome heart
And shine a loving light
Into the corners of the dark

THE DAWN OF DREAMS

Heralding the dawn,
The first fingers of light
Steal in through the glass
Penetrating the gloom
Waking me from my slumber
And stirring me from my dreams
Which but a moment ago
Were vividly real and tangible
Yet now are only half remembered things
Drifting away like mist on the breeze

BENIGN SPIRIT

Let me surround you
Like a benign spirit
Comforting and protecting
Let me envelope you like a cloak of love
Wrapping you in a goose down quilt
To warm your soul from winters grip
Let me nourish and nurture
And blow gently on the embers of love
In your sad and lonely heart

HUMEROUS POEMS # 3

IT’S A BLESSED MIRACLE

It’s a blessed miracle
I've been in love with the same woman
For more than fifty years!
It’s a greater miracle
That my wife has never found out,
If she did it would end in tears

RUDELY AWAKENED

I leapt up out of bed,
And I opened the door
In my pyjamas,
Wow I’d not noticed it before
What a very odd place
For there to be a door

A REAL HUMDINGER

A man made a boast
It was a real humdinger
“I can turn this duck
Into a soul singer”

He repeated his boast
Despite being mocked
And made a wager
That left them shocked

They took the bet
That was a real humdinger
To see him turn a duck
Into a soul singer

He said as he took the duck
That he called Mr Smithers
“Now I’ll put it in the microwave
Until its bill withers”

MY LEAST FAVOURITE THINGS # 3

Mono browed women with un-waxed moustaches
Wearing tight leggings too small for their asses
Fat sausage fingers and huge bingo wings
These are a few of my least favourite things

THREE LITTLE FISHES

Three fish in a tank,
One says to the other ones
I'll drive the thing
If you two man the guns

A WEASEL AND A STOAT?

What's the difference between
A weasel and a stoat?
They can both be used
To make a fine coat
So that’s not the answer
Well no need to lament
One's weasily recognized
The other stoatly different.

EIN GANG

Just a little heads up
When everything's coming your way,
Don’t get too cocky
You’re just in the wrong lane. Ok?

FURRY, FURRY DICE

Furry, furry dice
Nodding dogs that nod all day
Look out on the motorway
With eyes that know the despair in my soul.
Hold-ups on the hills,
Stretched for miles like bitter pills
Take a break because tiredness kills
The signs say all across this land

To the tune of Vincent by Don McClean

PUT DOWN # 47

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says “Wow that dress looks good on you
But it would look even better on my bedroom floor”
Just thank him and say “No problem,
I’ll send it to you when I don’t wear it anymore”

I LOST MY JOB TODAY

I lost my job today, I was sacked
My boss finally drove me to the brink
So I said “Shhh, just listen to the sound
Of nobody caring what you think”

ADMIRATION AND LOVE # 3

MOUSY HEADED MAIDEN FAIR

All I can do is stand and stare
At the mousy headed maiden fair
The girl with the dirty-blonde hair
Oh beautiful maiden standing there
With tresses of dirty-blonde hair
Please be the answer to my prayer

NOT VIRGINIA PLAIN

Her hair was red
Of russet tones
Like autumn leaves
Its cascading flow
Framed her face
And beauty shone forth
Its skins purity,
Rich as parchment,
Soft as silk,
Radiated her beauty
Her hypnotic eyes
Were startlingly blue,
With gem stone clarity
And held laughter in them
Her nose was small, delicate
Her lips were thin
But a smile of sweet remembrance
Constantly played about them

A COPPER CASCADE

Her crowning glory
Of cascading copper
Pours like molten rust
Onto the pure and unblemished
Milk white skin
Of her neck and shoulders
How I envy each burnished strand
Spilling onto her alabaster skin
Touching where my lips may not

WHAT RICH TAPESTRY

What rich tapestry
Has nature weaved,
This thing of beauty
Crafted by artisan hand
Each stitch and thread,
Singularly ambiguous,
Contributes to the whole
And into this creation
Life was breathed
And light was shone
And there you stand

A ROSE

I thought you pretty as a Rose
A sweet scented beauty
So I gave to you my heart
But you left it broken
And it now lies dying
On a Rose’s bloodied thorns

Thursday 17 November 2011

ARE YOU WEARING?

ARE YOU WEARING A CORSET?

Are you wearing a corset?
All whalebone and string
A beautiful thing to behold
A lustfully sexy thing
Pulling you in at the waist
And redistributing everything
A little discomfort for you
In the whalebone and string
But it’s a small price to pay
For the joy it will bring

ARE YOU WEARING A GIRDLE?

Are you wearing a girdle?
That’s a problem Mrs Spurdle,
Not an insurmountable hurdle
But due to the snugness of the fit
Prising all of you, out of, all of it
Might slow me down a bit

ARE YOU WEARING A WONDER BRA?

Are you wearing a wonder bra?
I think you almost certainly are
If you’re not I’ll eat my cigar
Because nature isn’t that bizarre
And doesn’t push them up that far

ARE YOU WEARING A BRASSIERE?

Are you wearing a brassiere?
You seem to have a pretty pair
Though I don’t think you’re being fair
Because I know you don’t I Clair
And I must honestly declare
To have spent some time up there
And if it’s not a padded brassier
You’ve got a pair of socks up there

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 227

Old King Cole was a merry old soul,
And a merry old soul was he;
He called for his pot in the middle of the night
Because he needed to take a pee

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 228

Pease pudding hot,
Pease pudding cold,
Pease pudding in the pot
Nine days old.
“That’s got to be past its sell by date”

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 229

Lucy Locket lost her pocket,
Kitty Fisher found it;
Not a penny was there in it,
“That Kitty Fisher is a thieving little cow”

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 230

Daffy-down-Dilly
Has come to town
With a yellow petticoat
And a pretty green gown
“Quick phone the fashion police”

UNCATEGORIZED POEMS # 2

HOPE SITS

Hope sits
Upon its primordial throne
A constant, in a sea of change
An unquenchable thirst
An unsatisfied yearning
An unscratchable itch
When all else fails
Hope waits for us all
Since time immemorial
Till the end of time

LIFE INSURANCE

Life should be rewarding
Though not monetarily
Riches nonetheless
For premiums take many forms
But you can’t take out
What you don’t put in
So just invest yourself
And reap the dividends

ANGEL IN THE CROWN

Angel in the crown
of heavens splendours shown
winged beauty flown

THIS OLD HOUSE

This old house
With faded papered walls
And paint flaked and chipped
Rooms full of drafts
And murky shadowed light
Smelling of decay and neglect
And life long absence
The house needed something
No the house wanted something
Amidst the cobwebs of yesterday
And the promise of tomorrow
The house wanted to be a home

MY HEART CARRIES TOO MANY SORROWS

My heart carries too many sorrows
Now my yesterdays out weigh my tomorrows
My spirits sit low in the grey December light
My bones grow weary in the night
I long for the spring sun upon my face
Yet I know that can never again be the case
I wait now in the quiet of another night
In hopeful expectation of the benevolent light

TIME THE FICKLE FRIEND

Time the fickle friend,
though you never wind the spring
the celestial clock ticks on

ARTISTIC PRACTICE

The potter breathing life
Into cold dead clay
An artist and his canvas
Killing the white
The sculptor seeing visions
In the lifeless stone
Wordsmiths weaving
Elaborate fabric with their words
Wood carvers releasing
The image hid within the wood
The unity between hand and mind
Artists and artisans all

BE ENGLISH

Celebrate the victory
With your piers
Drown the woes of foes
In English beer
Sing loud the songs of triumph
Whisper low of near disasters
Be magnanimous in victory
Be humble in defeat
Be proud, be loud
Be English

HUMEROUS POEMS # 2

THERE ARE THREE WORDS

There are three words
No one ever wants to hear
When they are making love
They are “I’m home dear!"

MY LEAST FAVOURITE THINGS # 2

Rotund young women as round as they’re tall
Frumpy old maids with no dress sense at all
Middle aged women who think its still spring
These are a few of my least favourite things

THE CRUEL FACTS OF LIFE

I asked my thirteen year old
If he understood the facts of life
But his complete over reaction
Shocked me and my wife

The boy burst into tears and yelled
“Don’t tell me I don’t want to know”
He put his hands over his ears
Saying “I’m not listening no, no, no”

When my son had calmed down
I asked him what was so scary
He said “when I was seven, you said
That there was no Tooth fairy”

“Then when I was nine, you said
That there was no Easter bunny”
Last year you said that Santa Claus
Was really you and mummy

Now on the eve of my manhood
If you’re going to tell me
That adults don’t have sex
You may just as well shoot me

THE MERITS OF FERRETS

The merits of ferrets
Are the traits he inherits
For hunting the rabbit
In the place they inhabit

THE QUIZZICAL SON

A young boy comes home from school
And addresses his father quizzically
"Dad, what's the difference between
Theoretically and realistically?"

His Dad considered for a moment
Then replied "this calls for a demonstration,
Go and ask Mum if she would sleep with
Ed Balls for a million pound remuneration"

The son raced off to ask his mother
Quickly returning with what he’d found
"Dad she said she would sleep with
Ed Balls for a million pounds"

His Dad considered for a moment
Then replied "Ok another demonstration,
Go and ask your Sister if she would sleep with
Ed Balls for a million pound remuneration"

The son raced off to ask his mother
Quickly returning with what he’d found
"Dad she said she would sleep with
Ed Balls for a million pounds"

His Dad considered for a moment
Then replied "Ok one final demonstration,
Go and ask your Brother if he would sleep with
Ed Balls for a million pound remuneration"

The son raced off to ask his mother
Quickly returning with what he’d found
"Dad he said he would sleep with
Ed Balls for a million pounds"

"Well there’s your answer, we could
Have three million pounds, theoretically.
But as it turns out what we have is
Two slappers and a homosexual, realistically."

THE ORIGINS OF DANCE # 2

If Scottish dancers
Come from Scotland
And Irish dancers
Come from Ireland
Are Pole dancers
From Poland?

I LOVE YOU DARLING WARTS AND ALL

I love you Darling warts and all
Though I can’t seem to recall
When we first met at the mall
And we chatted in the food hall
You ever mentioning warts at all

PUT DOWN # 48

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says “hey doll can I buy you a drink”
Ignore him, only reply if he persists
“Maybe you'd be less boring if I got to know you,
But I am not willing to take that risk”

EVERYONE NEEDS A HOBBY

Everyone needs a hobby
And my dad is no exception
He has built up a rather large
Empty bottle collection

There is a name for it
It’ll come to me in a tick
It’s on the tip of my tongue
Oh yes he’s an alcoholic




RIBALD # 2

BRITISH MANHOOD

British manhood
Out on the Razz
Have no conscience
Or boundaries
When endowed
With the beer goggles
They have no preferences
If you shaved a pig
And put it in a dress
With white stilettos
Someone would take it home
Given a late enough hour
And sufficient beer
The necessity to shave the pig
Would be redundant

I LOVE POOH BEAR

I love Pooh bear
And Paddington bear
I love my panda bear
And my teddy Bear
But most of all I must declare
I love my honey bare

THE TRUTH BEHIND THE ACTION

A love pat on the behind my dear
A subtle spank on my dearest’s rear
An action speaking loud and clear
Placed on the buttock soft and plump
A subtle spank on tender rump
The preamble to some rumpy pump

FLASH GAME

A flasher stepped out from the shadows
In front of an unsuspecting old lady
Who just looked pityingly at him and his offering
For no more than a minute or two maybe

She mentally took in his description
200 lbs and about 6ft but no taller
Then he said: "You know what this is don't you?"
She replied "it looks like a penis, only smaller!"

PEAFOWL

Two peahens watched
As the peacock danced
The courtship display
He proudly pranced

One hen said to the other
“All this is getting on my wick”
Then shouted “stop showing off
And show us your dick”

MY FAVOURITE THINGS # 2

Girls in short dresses with black satin panties
G-strings and thongs and exotic scanties
Innocent lookers who do naughty things
These are a few of my favourite things

Firm rounded buttocks and waists that are tiny
A look in the eye that says “I’m Mandy try me”
A flirt in a skirt who looks like she sins
These are a few of my favourite things

When the lust strikes
When the urge stings
When I'm feeling taught
I simply remember my favourite things
And then find an easy sort

STEAMER

Steamer, you’ve left behind a steamer
Well can’t you put the lid on the pan? Oh no
I said steamer, you’ve left behind a steamer
Well can’t you put the lid on the pan? Oh no
I said “my God, what a size, a girth, a length it is
You know – well you know you left it hummin in view
Now there's not a lot I can do

Sung to the tune of Dreamer by Supertramp

ADMIRATION AND LOVE # 2

SILVER HEADED LADY FAIR

All I can do is stand and stare
At the silver headed lady fair
The woman with the silvery hair
Oh beautiful lady standing there
With the waves of silvery hair
Please be the answer to my prayer

HOW FAIR BE YOUR COUNTENANCE

How fair be your countenance
A beauty fairer than the Rose?
How fair be your fragrance
Is it as pleasing to the nose?
How do you compare to the flower
Perhaps this year you are equals
But with each year passing
You will not match its sequels

SUMMER GIRLS

Summer girls
Glistening with suntan oils
Clad in bikinis
On yellow sunlit soils
And how the suitor
Athletically toils
To catch their eye
And so take the spoils

ODE TO MY BEAU

You hold back the night
With your gallantry
You subdue my fears
With your chivalry
You hold me in the light
With your passion for me

WHAT MORE BEAUTY

What more beauty could there be
Than in a maiden lithe of limb
With perfect elegance and grace
And a figure both sleek and trim
Beheld in the vision of a man
Who thinks she only has eyes for him


Friday 11 November 2011

NATURE POEMS

BEAUTEOUS ROSE

Beauteous Rose in summer dress
In scented splendour
The courtly bees attends thee
Thy fragrant demeanour
In sunlit display
Leaves all nature in awe

THE NIGHT IS STILL

The night is still
And summer flowers sleep
To awake with dawn

A NEW DAY DAWNING

On the distant horizon
The embers of the dawn
Brightly glow
As God blows gentle breath
Upon the glowing coals
And lights up another day

WANE BITTER SEASON

Wane bitter season,
dare Snowdrops to appear, before
winters lingering bite

SPRING WAKES

Spring wakes from lazy
slumber, finding the Crocus heads
already on display

UNCATEGORIZED POEMS # 1

RESPECT

I don’t compare myself to others
Of greater worth or merit
Or try to compete or out perform them
Simply, I am my own man,
And I am content to be so
I am happy to be transparent
So those around me can see what I am
And know the content of my heart
And because of my strong principles
I have self respect
And in return I ask only one thing
To be respected

NEVER OVER REACH

Never confuse, without exception
Excellence with perfection
Excellence you can strive for
Perfection is something more
As I heard Michael J Fox once express
Perfection is God’s business

AS JOYOUS AS A SONG

My love for you
Is as joyous as a song,
Sung in congregation
With the faithful throng

DRAWN LIKE A MOTH

I moved toward the light
Drawn like a moth to a flame
It was a benevolent light
Not dazzlingly bright
But soft and easy on the eye
And when the vista opened wide
It emerged into serenity
With sweet music everywhere
And love enveloped me
Like a soft blanket
In the place of perfect peace
I stepped among the angels
Where no shadows fall

THEY FOLLOW THEIR HEARTS

They follow their hearts
A congregation of one accord
Singing the heartfelt lyrics
To make sweet music to the lord

FILL MY CUP WITH CHEER

Fill my cup with cheer
Dear Lord
But let me be merry
And not drunk
Let me be a companion
And not a burden
Let me be happy
But not foolish
Let me know
When its time to go
And deliver me
Safely to my door

ON THAT AND THIS

Many hours spent
A whole lifetime lent
Time spent remiss
On that and this
Times sands run
And can’t be undone
Too late to wish
Now stood at the abyss
Time never fails
To balance the scales
Regrets too late
Surrender to fate
Time to repent
Your lifetime lent

HUMEROUS POEMS # 1

MY LEAST FAVOURITE THINGS # 1

Manicured whiskers and piercings thru noses
Tattoos on arses of butterflies and roses
Lisp making tongue studs and silly lip rings
These are a few of my least favourite things

PICKUP # 4

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
“Wow that dress looks good on you”
You can compliment her
“But laying on my bedroom floor
It would look even better”

CELTIC PRIDE

The Celts are a proud lot
As they’ll tell you like as not
But when the Romans came to stay
The Celts up and ran away
That is exactly what they did
They ran away and hid
And there they stayed on their own
Until the Romans left for home
Then came the Vikings and the Danes
So the Celts ran away again
This noble race mild and meek
Happily playing hide and seek
Well so much for Celtic pride
Nobly running away to hide
Now don’t climb on your high horse
I am a Celt myself of course
And those who run away today
Live to run away another day

A DRIVEN WOMAN

I just got back from the airport
It was a journey of some import
I had to drive the mum in law
Normally a rather onerous chore
But I volunteered this time
And no I had not lost my mind
She was going home hip hip
So it was more of a pleasure trip

HAND HOLDING

I always hold my wife’s hand when we’re out
People thinks it’s so romantic, but its not
I hold her hand all the time because I know
That if I let it go she’ll start to shop

PEARL ANNIVERSARY

After thirty years of marriage
To celebrate our anniversary
My wife and I
Went back once again
To our honeymoon hotel
And this time it was I
Who chose to sit alone
In the bathroom
And cry

MEDICAL MIRACLE

I’ve avoided most diseases
Nature has deployed
But I’m suffering the effects
Of a life well enjoyed
Now I keep twenty doctors
Gainfully employed

WE HAVE A WATER BED

We have a water bed at home
It was a birthday gift for me
I call it my seductive oasis
My wife calls it the Dead Sea

THE ORIGINS OF DANCE # 1

If Scottish dancers
Come from Scotland
And Irish dancers
Come from Ireland
Are Lap dancers
From Lapland?

RIBALD # 1

MY FAVOURITE THINGS # 1

Black lacy stocking, suspenders or garters
Silk cami-knickers will do nicely for starters
Brassiered packages with straps like strings
These are a few of my favourite things

Petite little strumpets and long legged fillies
Brunettes and redheads stripped down to their frillies
Uniformed Nurses oh the pleasures they bring
These are a few of my favourite things

When the lust strikes
When the urge stings
When I'm feeling taught
I simply remember my favourite things
And then find an easy sort

IN THE BACK SEAT OF THE CAR

My wife said she'd like to have sex
In the back seat of the car
I thought things are looking up
I like what I’m hearing so far
Then she said she'd like to have sex
In the back of someone else’s car
I thought things are looking up
I like what I’m hearing so far
Then she said she'd like to have sex
With the guy we just met in the bar

BLIND DATES

I love going on blind dates
They just thrill me to bits
They don’t suit everyone
But hey if the cap fits
I do lots of blind dates
As many as time permits
We meet in a quiet place
Where I sit and stare at their tits

DO YOU HAVE A BRAZILIAN?

Are you sporting a Brazilian?
I think you might be Gillian
I don’t think you have a silly’n
Not like your kid sister Lillian
Who leans towards a Chilean
Or your older sister Jillian
With her moustachioed Sicilian
No I think you my daring Gillian
Might well have a Brazilian
Which is probably a chilly’n

DIRTY-BLONDE HAIR

Oh pretty girl
With the dirty-blonde hair
You may be the answer
To a lonely mans prayer
I have been watching
You standing there
And I’d like to ask
A question if I dare
Are you as dirty
As your dirty-blonde hair

ASTRONOMICAL LOVE

From the moons of Jupiter
And the areolas peaks
Across the navel plains
To the crater of Uranus
And the mound of Venus

BRITISH GIRLS ABROAD

British girls abroad
Fake tanned
Everything on display
Easy virtue
Easy lay
Begging for it?
Gagging for it?
Looking for it?
Perhaps not
But they know the way

BRITISH LADS ABROAD

British lads abroad
On the pull
Like what they see
With undiscerning eye
Out to play
Looking for an easy lay
On another 18-30 holiday

ADMIRATION AND LOVE # 1

CRIMSON HEADED MAIDEN FAIR

All I can do is stand and stare
At the crimson headed maiden fair
The girl with the flaming red hair
Oh beautiful maiden standing there
With tresses of flaming red hair
Please be the answer to my prayer

HOLIDAY ROMANCE

You wanted love
Sweet thing
A holiday romance
Not a brief fling
You wanted love
Romance and kisses
Holding hands
And making wishes
You sought a lover
In a romantic way
You should have known
At the end of the day
He sought a “gagging for it”
Nice easy lay
That was his idea
Of a romantic holiday

PERFECT LOVE CAN BE ILLUSIVE

Perfect love can be illusive
For perfect love is unique
Perfect sex is not exclusive
For perfect sex is just technique

OPEN YOUR EYES ANGEL

Open your eyes Angel
Wipe away the sleep
Be very careful
Don’t sell yourself cheap
Watch out angel
Whatever you do
He’ll break your heart
And make you blue
He’ll get what he wants
Then he’ll wave goodbye
Leaving you sullied
Leaving you to cry
He will have a place to go
For his next bit of frilly lace
Another silly girl
Just as easy to disgrace
Another notch on the bedpost
Another easy conquest
Leaving you alone
Broken hearted and bereft

YOU SLIPPED THROUGH MY FINGERS

You slipped through my fingers
All those yesterdays ago,
How the regret still lingers
Of the way I let you go

WAR AND REMEMBRANCE

IN THE GATHERING OF HOPEFUL HEARTS

In the gathering of hopeful hearts
The flame of peace does thrive
A flame whose embers glowed
When my granddad was still alive
The lads and pals in distant lands
To a man did purposely strive
They kept that tiny ember tended
To ensure that it would survive
And many a lad remained forever
To keep the flame of peace alive

ON REMEMBRANCE DAY

On Remembrance Day,
We honour the sacrificial dead
Those dedicated souls who.
Offered their lives in war
And were accepted
They were the loved ones,
Of their generation
They are the pride of ours

REMEMBER THEM WITH COMPASSION

Remember them with compassion
And not with jaundiced eye
Remember them with gratitude
For they went to war to die
Remember them with pride
Their honour we must not deny
Remember it’s because of them
We stand beneath a free blue sky

DAWN PATROL

You would find them
Up where the air was thin
And the cold burnt
The wood and canvas kites
Prowled the skies
Searching the clouds below
For the enemy silhouettes
And when sighted below
To attack from the sun
And deliver their chattering death

AUSCHWITZ

Auschwitz in essence
Was a processing plant
Or perhaps more accurately
A recycling plant,
Recycling an abundant commodity,
i.e. lower forms of life,
Into a revenue stream
By stripping the resaleable parts
Clothing, jewelry, hair, teeth
And burning what was left.
A cold and calculated business
Inhumanity on an industrial scale.
So the next time
You cast yesterdays must have device
Into your recyling bin
Just remember the Germans did that with people

MONUMENT

Each faceless name
In neat regimen
Of stone masons text
Is one of the fallen
Long forgotten names
Cut deep into the stone
Marking the sacrifice
Of battles Histories
The cold stone sentinel
A poignant reminder

CENOTAPH

Bow your undressed head
Before the cenotaph
A reverent monument
To warriors past
But not to glorify
There tragic loss
But to mark the moment
And count the cost

Friday 28 October 2011

HALLOWEEN TALES

THE OLD BLACK WITCH’S CAT # 1

The most comfortably fat
Old black witch’s cat
Is often known to take a nap
In her black pointed hat

AT THE WITCHING HOUR

At the Witching hour
The Zombies walk
The Banshees scream
And the Ravens squawk
The Witches’ fly
The familiar’s talk
The Vampires bite
And the Demons stalk

LITTLE MONSTERS

Little monsters in costumes
Looking for candy treats
Terrorizing the neighbours
All along the street

They prey on young or old
To satisfy their appetites
Treats are handed over
To creatures of the night

With their goody bags
Full of every candy treat
They can’t wait to get home
Before they start to eat

Then when the bags are empty
They realise their mistake
They’ve eaten so much candy
They’ve all got stomach ache


WITCHNAPPED

On her broomstick she swoops
And into her arms she scoops
A poor unsuspecting young man
Because as a witch she can
And carries him off through the night
Then uses him for her delight
In the light of the cauldrons fire
She indulges her every desire

THE LITTLE BEWITCHER

She is a little bewitcher
The little servant of Wicca
Who has ensnared my heart
Which I opposed from the start
I was happy being single
But she has made my senses tingle
And she used her Wiccan ways
Against all resistance raised
It is not some fanciful notion
To blame an exotic potion
Or the casting of a spell
To bewitch me quite so well
Now she bends me too her will
And gently holds me still
Then this little Wiccan miss
Captures my soul with her kiss

MY LITTLE WICKED WITCH AND I

My little wicked witch and I
Love to fly across the night sky
And travel to special places
Where no one knows our faces
Where door with bolt and lock
Ensures, Witch and Warlock
Can scratch their every itch
And a Warlock and a Witch
Can safely enjoy a little sin
Without familiars listening in

DREAM WITCH

There is a witch of whom I’m fond
Who could carry me off beyond
And we’d do magic with my wand

We would quaff her special brew
Fly on a broomstick made for two
And do things naughty witches do

But alas our special tandem flight
Full of wicked and delicious delight
Is but a dream I dream each night

THE WITCHING HOUR

On All Hallows Eve take special care
You may not see them but they are there
And as they mix up their witches brew
They’ll have their witchy eyes on you

IN THE BLACKNESS OF THE NIGHT

In the blackness of the night
Performing their satanic rite
Satan’s followers incite
To every Demons delight

DEMONS WALK THE EARTH

Demons walk the earth
On All Hallows Eve
And will snatch away
Your soul at their ease


PHANTASM

What is that ghostly apparition?
Is that ghostly figure a Phantasm?
Come to haunt and terrorise us?
No it’s the kid from next door, Adam

THE OLD BLACK WITCH’S CAT # 2

The old black witch’s cat
Has nothing much to do
He’s a sleepy old familiar
Oddly named Witchitypoo
He is quite partial to a mouse
Should one happen into view
But he doesn’t stir himself
For he never has to pursue
There is no thought of chasing
And no need to bite and chew
For with a flick of his paw
A spell is cast by Witchitypoo
And then he leisurely dines
On a tasty mouse stew

Saturday 15 October 2011

HARE COURSING

On the whole,
No pun intended,
It was a pleasant day
On the Golf course
The sun was warm
The wind was light
The golf was
A mixture of the sublime
And the ridiculous
A day of ups and downs
As my scorecard testified
But the par 4 15th
Was a different story
I had hit a crisp drive
From the elevated tee
And away it flew
Straight down the middle
As Bing once sang
It landed just short of the dog leg
Kicked to the right
And rolled perfectly round the turn
After such a shot
You feel ten feet tall
As you stride down the fairway
And I felt every inch of it
When I reached my ball
I found it sitting up invitingly
And with an unhindered path to the green
I had a birdie chance.
Slightly ahead and to the right
A rather large Rabbit,
Was enjoying the afternoon sun
Blissfully unaware of what was to come
I selected my club
And addressed the ball
“Just hit it straight”
I told myself
I swung the club towards the ball
In a perfect ark
But I must have lifted my head
Because there was and ugly contact
And the ball sliced away
In the direction of the Rabbit
Now had he just stayed still
He would have lived
But alas at the sound of the sliced contact
The Rabbit leapt vertically in the air
Straight into the path of the ball
And died instantly
Now looking back I could have claimed
That the Rabbit put me off
But it didn’t really
If the ball had followed its path
I would have been out of bounds
So the Rabbit sacrificed himself
To save my par

SHE LOOKS LIKE THE GIRL NEXT DOOR

She looks like the girl next door,
Well my interpretation anyway,
And for me she literally is
The girl next door
The studious Rebecca
Full of cleverness
The only child of the Coopers
Now the studious orphan Rebecca
The bookish girl next door
A homely girl though
In the unpretentious sense
Certainly not plain,
But rather understated
She is unworldly
In as much as the temporal world
Holds no sway for her
Rebecca is an attractive girl
Though not in any obvious way
Dressed casually, always
Mousy hair worn indistinctly
She has never been flash, quirky
Or groundbreaking
No its homespun sweaters
And supermarket jeans
Not exactly the height of fashion
But not dowdy nor frumpy
Unlike most of the world
I look beneath the homespun
As I have all my life
But no one else sees Rebecca
Alas she does not see me
The bookish girl next door
She has her heroes of fiction
How could I compete?
With Ahab or Hornblower
Copperfield or Darcy

ANONYMOUS ANGEL HIDDEN FROM VIEW

I saw you this morning
As I walked to work
You were a little in front of me,
For part of the way,
And you fell beneath my gaze.
I noticed your feet first,
Clad in sporting wear
Your shoes were sexless,
Indeterminate in gender
The only distinguishing feature
Was that they were small, But that was all.
Your black trousers were baggy
And gave nothing away
As was your sweatshirt
Which was large, long and grey,
Reaching down to cover your bum
Your brown hair was medium length
Of no particular style
So could have been masculine or feminine.
Had the necessity not arisen
For you to reach into your back pocket
I would not have noticed
The shape of your buttocks
The movement of which,
As you walked, gave you away
You were most definitely a girl
As I got closer the wind moved your hair
And through the fine brunette strands
I glimpsed in the delicate lobe
A simple feminine stud in your ear.
You continued walking head down
Watching your sexless feet
Afraid to look the world in the eye
Or afraid the world would notice you?
Either one might be true
I was level with you as we reached the kerb
And you looked up in my direction
To check if the road was clear
And I glimpsed your face,
A pretty face, a lovely face,
Briefly our eyes met
Beautiful soft blue eyes
But I could not hold your gaze
And you looked back at your feet
Withdrawing again into your shell
But I know you’re in there now
So tomorrow morning
I will look for you again

Monday 8 August 2011

WAR AND REMEMBERANCE

WAR AND REMEMBERANCE
MONUMENT

Each faceless name
In neat regimen
Of stone masons text
Is one of the fallen
Long forgotten names
Cut deep into the stone
Marking the sacrifice
Of battles Histories
The cold stone sentinel
A poignant reminder

FLT LT RUPERT “TINY” COOLING 1920 - 2010

Time to scramble Tiny
Up into the blue
Up above your ceiling
To once more join your crew

Look lively there Rupert
Fly on, fly on
Up above your ceiling
Rejoin the squadron

CENOTAPH

Bow your undressed head
Before the cenotaph
A reverent monument
To warriors past
But not to glorify
There tragic loss
But to mark the moment
And count the cost

THE GOOD OLD WIMPY

Pilots loved to fly
The Vickers Wellington
From take off
To the end of the mission
And the final approach
When the trusty Wellington
Almost landed itself
When you cut ignition
It just let you down
Like a babe on a cushion

ROYAL FLYING CORPS - WINGS OVER CUFFLEY

With the RFC he flew
Over the country that he knew
Defending against the Zeppelin
Flying in the air so thin
Then in 1916 in the dark of night
He attacked an airship in flight
Amidst machine guns chattering sound
He brought the beast to ground
The first of his kind to do the deed
To attack a Zeppelin and succeed
The first Zeppelin kill in British skies
Robinson victorious after many tries

Flt Lt William Leefe Robinson VC
(14 July 1895 – 31 December 1918)

ROYAL FLYING CORPS – WINGS OVER FRANCE # 1

1917 with the RFC he flew
Leaving behind the land he knew
To fly against the superior Hun
When his squadron was undone
By Jasta 11, The Red Barons flight
Leaving the British four planes light
Wounded and captured on the floor
That was the end of Robinson’s war

Flt Lt William Leefe Robinson VC
(14 July 1895 – 31 December 1918)

FLT LT WILLIAM LEEFE ROBINSON VC
(14 JULY 1895 – 31 DECEMBER 1918)

Valiantly he fought
Against Zeppelins
And the Red Baron alike
A young man,
In the prime of life
Died an ironic death
Not taken by the bullet
Or by the bomb
But by the Spanish flu

ROYAL NAVAL AIR SERVICE - WINGS OVER GHENT

1915 in the RNAS he flew
When a Zeppelin came into view
In the skies over Ghent
So in hot pursuit he went
Taking heavy machine gun fire
Warneford quickly climbed higher
To take up position over head
Where soon the sky turned red
Where the bombs he dropped
Saw the Zeppelin stopped
Exploding in a ball of fire
Blowing Warneford up higher
Overturning the attacking plane
Stopping its engine,which wouldn’t start again
So he had to land on enemy soil
And in the darkness quickly toil
To restart the engins and get on his way
So he could fight another day

Flt Lt Reginald Alexander John Warneford VC
(15 October 1891 – 17 June 1915)

FLT LT REGINALD ALEXANDER JOHN WARNEFORD VC
(15 OCTOBER 1891 – 17 JUNE 1915)

Valiantly he fought
Against Zeppelins
And the patrols alike
A young man,
In the prime of life
Died an ironic death
Not taken by the bullet
Or by the bomb
But in a flying accident
When the wings folded
On a new kite
During a test flight

ROYAL FLYING CORPS - WINGS OVER FRANCE # 2

With the RFC he flew
Over where the ill wind blew
Defending the skies from the Hun
Flying where battle was done
One of Britain’s flying aces
Shooting them down in braces
Flying in the sky so free
His tally numbered 73

Major Edward Corringham "Mick" Mannock VC, DSO & Two Bars, MC & Bar (May 24, 1887 – July 26, 1918)

ROYAL FLYING CORPS – WINGS OVER FRANCE # 3

With the RFC he flew
Over where the ill wind blew
Defending the skies from the Hun
Flying where battle was done
One of Britain’s flying aces
Shooting them down in braces
Flying so close to heaven
His tally numbered 57

Flt Commander James Thomas Byford McCudden VC, DSO & Bar, MC & Bar, MM
(28 March 1895–9 July 1918)

MAJOR EDWARD CORRINGHAM "MICK" MANNOCK VC, DSO & TWO BARS, MC & BAR
(MAY 24, 1887 – JULY 26, 1918)

Valiantly he fought
Against Zeppelins
And the Red Baron alike
A young man,
In the prime of life
Died an ironic death
When helping a new arrival
Achieve his first kill
He broke his own golden rule
And followed the stricken foe
To see it crash
And was shot down
By ground fire

Major Edward Corringham "Mick" Mannock VC, DSO & Two Bars, MC & Bar (May 24, 1887 – July 26, 1918)

FLT COMMANDER JAMES THOMAS BYFORD MCCUDDEN VC, DSO & BAR, MC & BAR, MM
(28 MARCH 1895–9 JULY 1918)

Valiantly he fought
Again Zeppelins
And the Red Baron alike
A young man,
In the prime of life
Died an ironic death
Not taken by the bullet
Or by the bomb
But in a flying accident
When the engine failed
While flying a new plane
To his new command

SEX AND RELATIONSHIPS

SELF DISCIPLINED

I don’t need stimulation
Of any kind
Because I have simply
Trained my mind
To flick a switch
If I need to perform
A simple “click”
And I have the horn
I can get an erection
With a single thought
I consider myself
To be self taut

PRETTY LITTLE MARY

Pretty little Mary
Lives on the prairie
And works in the dairy
Her routine doesn’t vary

Pretty little Mary
Skips like a fairy
Sings like a canary
But is cautiously wary

Pretty little Mary
Is on the contrary
Really rather hairy
And a little bit scary

THE WIDOW’S MITE

The Vicar’s sermon
Frank and forthright
Raised the question
Of the widows mite

Quite unnecessary
In my humble view
Because in our parish
There are only two
And I know for a fact
That they both do


LOVE POEMS

WHEN I SAY

When I say, "I love you", I mean it.
Look into my eyes and believe it
Look into my heart and feel it

I BELIEVE IN SOUL MATES

I believe in soul mates
Whom you can sense long before
They come into sight
I believe mine is close

I BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT

I believe in love at first sight
That precious moment
When two people meet their match
Like a key and a lock
Coming together in synchronicity
And the abiding love
Both deep and passionate
That can be unlocked

I AM DEFINITELY READY TO SAY IT

I am definitely ready to say it
I hope she is ready to hear it
How will she take it, who knows?
I take a deep breath and here goes
I stutter and I stammer thru
She said “I know and I love you too”

NONSENSE POEMS

NONSENSE POEMS
NONSENSICAL # 5

The hand on the knee
No the bland of the tea
Or the stand of the tree
The gland of the pea
Or the band of the free
No the sand of the flea
The brand of the ski
No it’s the Land of the Free

NONSENSICAL # 6

The spa wrangled planner
No the Tsar bangled tanner
The bra strangled Hannah
Or the scar dangled manor
The car mangled spanner
Or the bar tangled scanner
No it’s the Star Spangled Banner

NONSENSICAL # 7

You can take a horse to water
But you can’t teach it to suck eggs
Do unto others before their death
Every dog has a silver lining
Every cloud has his day
Glass houses make jack a dull boy
A bird in the hand is a penny earned
A new broom sweeps many a slip
All roads lead to the stable door
Caesar's wife begins at home
Don't throw the baby out with grandma

MARRIAGE HUMOUR

MY PASTIME

My pastime is, that I like to Fish
I’d do it all the time if I got my wish
But my wife hates me doing it
And she wants me to stop doing it
I say to her it’s just my hobby
She says its just plain nobby
I say potato she says potaeto
I say tomato she says tomaeto
I say it’s just an innocent passtime
She says next time should be the last time
I say it is about the quiet peace
She says it has to cease
I say it’s appreciating the stillness
She say it’s a mental illness
She says I need to get a life
I thing I just need a different wife

I KNOW WITH CERTAINTY

I know with certainty
That nine times out of ten
When in my house
Something is broken
Or just malfunctioning
I know before I see it
The probability is
One of my kids did it
And the 10 percent of times
They are off the hook
Then I know who to blame
By my wife’s guilty look

NIGHTIE NIGHT

I was feeling fruity last night
But my wife wasn’t in the mood
She said she was too tired
For doing anything rude

But I was still feeling fruity
So I pleaded for her to succumb
Finally she said “ok”,
“Pull my nightie down when you’re done”

MY WIFE IS MAD YET

My wife is mad
Last night she snored so loud
That she woke herself up
Then she hit me
For snoring so bloody loud
That I woke her up

But to add insult onto injury
Which left me upset
I was the one who hadn’t
Even been to sleep yet