Thursday, 28 October 2010



I wear a funny wig
My sister has a mask
We are well disguised
To go about our task

To have fun with our friends
Collecting Candy to eat
As we terrorise the neighbours
As we go “trick or treat”


It was a really spooky night
And I saw a very scary sight
We had been out “trick or treating”
And got home and started freaking
My parents were dressed as witches
Both were without their breeches
And my mum, not a natural blonde
Was playing with my fathers wand


On Halloween, all hallows eve
Ghosts and ghouls come out
But not to do their evil work
They just want to stroll about

They can mix with the living
At this one time of the year
And not be discovered
Or cause screams of fear

They just mingle with fleshies
All through Halloween night
Enjoying the company
But are gone by first light


Those little darlings
With their angelic eyes
Look harmless enough
But beneath their disguise

They’re nothing but thugs
With pure evil intent
These spawn of Satan
Are not heaven sent

These foul blackguards
Going about their sport
They say “Trick or treat”
As they happily extort

They squirt fake blood
On my front door
They egg my new car
I can’t take any more

I sit counting the minutes
Am I the only one?
Who just can’t wait
Till Halloween is done


Beautiful Lamia
Queen of Libya
Lover of Zeus
Rival of Hera

Beautiful Lamia
Became a mother
Loved by Zeus
Despised by Hera

Wife of Zeus
The jealous Hera
Murdered the children
Of Beautiful Lamia

Driven insane by grief
Beautiful Lamia
Became an ugly
Child devourer

Hera became
A vengeful bitch
Lamia became
A blood sucking witch


It happens on the night
Of Halloween
When the spirits of creatures
Can pass between
And some spooky spooks
Might well be seen.
Some ghouls are good
And others are mean
Some ghosts have substance
And visibly preen
While others glow
Luminescently green
But watch out for witches
That arrive on the scene
For in the blink of an eye
They’ll whip out your spleen


It is All Hallows Eve
The night of all souls
Samhain Day
When the wiccans wail

At the witching hour
When the Demons walk
Souls will be taken
In the black of night


Pubs and clubs he scours
In the wee small hours
To use his seductive powers
On the maidens he devours
Then in the early hours
The maidens he deflowers
Are left like wilting flowers
He then returns to gothic towers
Where he then showers

I stepped out of the car
And was verbally assailed
As I stood upon my drive

“Trick or treat”
Came the banshee chorus
From creatures barely alive

I was taken aback
By this unprecedented event
This new tactic they’d contrived

In the past I had been safe
Behind locked doors
When the leaches arrive

But pretending not to be in
Would not cut it any more
If I was to survive

I must be as clever
As the candy seeking predators
And learn to duck and dive

So when a firework went off
And their attention was distracted
I ran away to hide

Monday, 25 October 2010


A thought, incomplete
Almost at its conception
Dies unformed
Another is stillborn
A lost unformed notion
More follow also fruitless
And unfulfilled
Then little more than an inkling
Emerges, grows quickly
Surviving into infancy
Only to be lost to distraction
Many more die unformed
Before a thought is born
Fully formed and grows quickly to maturity
But it was a stupid thought


Jo the trumpet
The musical strumpet
She was crumpet
But her lips were hard and dry

Jo with the deep voice
Oh how I rejoice
She was so very choice
With no Adams apple I’m pleased To say

Jo with the flat chest
Had nothing inside her vest
But I was still blessed
For she had other attributes

Jo with the all over tan
Jo jo the can can
The perfect gift for man
Had a beautiful white toothed smile

Jo the pretty faced
With the narrow waist
Was to everyone’s taste
Even the other Jo’s


Jacqui was my older woman
Twenty years my senior
When she seduced me
In a Dublin hotel
She was always quite vivacious
This night however her high-spirit
Derived from gin and tonic
Though she knew was she was doing
Even for someone as inexperienced as I was
I could read the sexual desire in her body language
This was libidinous in the extreme
She was full of the elixir of lust
Again that was the gin and tonic
I was filled with a burning sexual desire
Which Jacqui knew exactly what to do with
She taught me how to give and receive pleasure
Took me on a journey of erogenous exploration
It was passionately fervid, scorchingly torrid
Insatiable and ardent
Caring, affectionate and tender
She was an excellent teacher
And a wonderful lover
Alas we never repeated the experience


I have an old photograph
It was taken at Wimbledon,
Long, long ago
It was of dear sweet Yvonne
And she was smiling at me
From an old discoloured print
Yvonne, cute and naive
She had such a sweet face
I recalled the day instantly
She had begged me to take her
I liked tennis, though not a huge fan
But I liked her more so I agreed
Suddenly I could smell her
And hear that infectious little giggle
And feel her touch on my skin
Her soft lips on mine
The memory of the day was so vivid
And of the days of unbridled passion that followed
When the wonders of her soft young body
Were yielded to me


I fell in love with you
All those years ago
Because you were oblivious
You simply didn’t know

You didn’t know
That beauty shone from every pore
You saw yourself as odd
But you were no oddity that’s for sure

You always put yourself down
If you could have seen through my eyes
You would have realized
You really didn’t have fat thighs

And your legs were fabulous
And your bum was not too fat
Your nose wasn’t pointy
And your chest wasn’t too flat

But that wasn’t possible
So I fell in love with your modesty
And you thought I was a good catch
So you got stuck with me

I still love you just as much today
As I did all those years ago
And you’re still completely oblivious
You simply don’t know


I love everything about you
Every inch of your 5 foot 2
I love the way you dress
And disrobed as well I confess
I love your overt sexuality
And your subtle femininity

I love your seductive smile
And your soft tender lips
I love you from head to toe
And each and every finger tip

I love your bobbed brown hair
And your dazzling green eyes
I love your curvaceous-ness
Your breasts, your hips, your thighs

I love you lying in my arms
Beside me in my bed
I love to hold you close
And kiss you softy on the head

I love everything about you
Every inch of your 5 foot 2
And the greatest thing of all
Is that you love me too


What a perfect evening
What a perfect first date
From the very first moment
We met beneath the clock
Till I left her at her door
Her sweet kiss upon my lips
Was complete and utter bliss
As I walk home I relive it
Her soft brown hair, the hazel eyes
Her sweet smile and her exotic smell
Oh and her soft caress
As in my head
I repeat each perfect moment
Then rewind and watch again


From the first break of day
Till the setting of the sun
My heart is full to overflowing
And I know that you are the one

Even as the dusk descends
And the world hovers in twilight
My heart still holds true
And I know all will be alright

But when the dark shadows merge
And the dusk turns into black
My heart is filled with dread
As the doubts come flooding back

It’s in the darkness where I succumb
Where I surrender to the fear
I am weak and afraid when I’m alone
But I feel strong when you’re near

You can banish the darkness forever
Filling my life with a perfect light
With the love that fills your heart
You can make every thing alright

Marry me and be my wife
And keep the forbidding dark at bay
I will know no fear or darkness
Only light after our wedding day


It was to be another business dinner
Another fabulous restaurant
Another expensive meal,
Or should I say “dining experience”
At someone else’s expense
This time a Paris nightspot
Of great renown
But more boring business talk
More boring company
But then quelle surprise
Out of the blue and quite unexpected
Une jeune fille
How pretty she was
La belle fille
With huge brown eyes
And long dark hair
Une petite fille
Her name was Florence
The niece of our host
Only in Paris for one night
And did we mind if she joined us?
As if we would mind
A bunch of boring business men
Or a bunch of boring business men
And a beautiful young woman
No contest to my mind,
I was besotted by this beautiful creature
When the waiter came
The American next to me
Ordered a steak, well done
“And for you monsieur?”
“I’ll take her, any way she comes”
Fortunately I only said it in my head


I have always been rather partial
To a skinny brunette
That’s always been my ideal
It stems from when I was a lad of 14
And the time I saw Alexa
I fell in love with instantly
She was two years younger than me
And when I first set eyes on her
I thought I had died and gone to heaven
She was so perfectly beautiful
Of course she didn’t even know I existed
So I would watch her from a distance
A vision of loveliness
Playing with her friends
I never had the courage to speak to her
But I would practice
What I would say
If I ever got the courage
But of course I never did
So I would say them in my head
And make believe
I said the words to her
I would dream of a time
When I would ask her out
And we would walk away together
Holding hands as we walked down the street,
But it was only a dream
I wish I could go back to that time...
When I saw her standing there.
Knowing what I know now
And speak to her of my love
For Alexa, the skinny brunette
If only I could live my youth again

Thursday, 21 October 2010


I found the box in the attic
A flat, rigid white box
The sort that special greetings card came in
It was immediately familiar
Reminding me of my first love
For inside the box
Carefully kept and preserved
Were the love letters from Janice
Scented with cheap perfume
Letters full of young girls chatter
About favourite pop groups and fashions
And the days “must haves”
Talk of adolescent love and longing
Honey coated words of first love
Kept in the same box as her valentines card
Teenage love fondly remembered
The perfume was still evocative
Though faded like the memory
But I could see her pretty face
Framed with that fine brown hair
Cut in a Bob, so it kissed her neck as she moved
Her developing figure that hinted at what would be
Her gentle laugh that made you turn your eyes to her
The soft delicate hands that felt so good in mine
That first kiss that lingered on my lips
Long after we parted
I smiled at the memory
And wondered how her life went
What kind of woman did she become?
Did her aspirations bear fruit?
Or did she muddle through the years like the rest of us
Best not to know probably
The truth might diminish the memory
Of a sweet young girl


I knew her name
And her email address
And I knew she was a poet
But that was all I guess
From her writing I divined a little more
She was clearly a Christian
And seemed to be an optimist
But I learned little more than this
Her profile only told me her age
And that we were from the same country
However I thought I should contact her
I don’t really know why
I don’t make a habit of it
It’s not in my nature to pry
And I’m not one to seek out correspondents
I have never foisted my self
I’ve never been a joiner of things
Or active looked for acquaintance
However I felt almost compelled
No I actually felt compelled
There was something you see
In her writing I suppose
That struck a chord in me
A kindred spirit possibly
Maybe we saw through the same eyes
Or shared the same moral compass
Or both like apple pies
I don’t know what it was
A connection of some kind
On some obscure level
I should say quite clearly
There was no romantic motive
I’m wasn’t looking for a lover
That ship sailed long ago
Nor did I need a companion
So what prompted it, I don’t know
That aside I then faced the problem
Of what I should say to her
I couldn’t say I felt compelled
Or I felt there was a connection
She would have thought me mad
But while I struggled to find the words
A message popped into my inbox
And it was from her, I opened it instantly
Read the first line and smiled
“I hope you don’t mind me contacting you
I’m not sure what prompted me to write”
Isn’t life strange?



Christ the redeemer
He died on the cross
He died to save us
And His majesty
Made of the world
A place of hope
A place of grace
A place of freedom
A place of love
He called us from the darkness
Into His loving light


God is in my fingers
When I play guitar
God is in my footsteps
When I must travel far

God is in my lips
When I whistle a tune
God is in my voice
When I sing or croon

God is my protector
When my goal is reached
God is in my heart
When his word is preached

God is my salvation
In every single way
God is in my heart
Every single day


Oh God in heaven
I thank you
For your son
For supporting me
Embracing me
Accepting me
For offering me your hand
Your loving hand
We sing oh Lord
To praise you
For you support us
Embrace us
Accept us
You offer us your hand
Your loving hand
We give ourselves oh Lord
Into your love


Sing in praise
To God on high
Accept Him
Into your heart

Sing in praise
To God our Lord
Accept His
Great gift of love

Sing in praise
To God on high
Accept Him
Into your life

Sing in praise
To God our Lord
Accept Him
As your saviour


When the world
Appears a troubled place
When you see pain
Etched into every face
Look for hope
In the shadow of the cross

When evil lives
In the hearts of man
When our neighbours
Plot our destruction
Look for hope
In the shadow of the cross

When you are burdened
With anxiety and fear
When you are so desperate
For someone to hear
Look for Him
In the shadow of the cross


Kneeling before the cross,
A simple sign of faith
A potent symbol of his love
A symbol whose holy shadow
Casts the light of love across the world
I am in the presence of the Lord
I feel His hand on my shoulder
His love in my heart
I find I am at peace
In the presence of the lord
I feel His reassuring presence
The Son of God
The Prince of Peace
Who died upon the cross
Who died on a hill in Calvary
And was born again
I feel the power of His glory
I feel at peace
I feel his Godliness
His Goodliness
He surrounds me with his love
And he comforts me
Making the world a less savage place



Jimmy was in his seventies
And took himself a young wife
He biggest concern was fatherhood
At his time of life

“What birth control would you suggest?
Which would be best for me?”
He asked his doctor, who replied
“I think in your case, nudity”


I’m now officially old
And the tell tale indicator
Is that I just heard
My favourite song in the elevator


I’m now officially old
And the tell tale indicator
Is that having sex in a single bed
Isn’t an option any longer

Tuesday, 19 October 2010


I may not always tell you
But you are everything to me
When I awaken in the morning
You're first in my thoughts
How much simpler life would be
If only I could say
I love you for being you
I love you for loving me

The love we feel the deepest
Is the hardest to express
But in your heart you must know
How much I love you
How much simpler life would be
If only I could say
I love you for being you
I love you for loving me

Emotions and the feelings
I sometimes tend to hide
But when we're together
I count my blessings
How much simpler life would be
If only I could say
I love you for being you
I love you for loving me

You're first in my thoughts
Every moment of every day
I should just say “I love you”
But this is not the way for me
How much simpler life would be
If only I could say
I love you for being you
I love you for loving me



Gillian finished her first week at school
And had a very unhappy look on her face
She said to her mum who was showing concern
“I’m just wasting my time at that place”
Mum asked her “why ever do you think that?”
Then Gillian exploded in an angry squawk
“Well mother I can't read and I can't write,
And then they won't even let me talk!'


I have discovered a great way
To get wrinkle free skin
I just eat as much as I want
And the fat fills them in


My friend has got a new girlfriend
And he’s sleeping with her and her twin
I asked how he could tell them apart
He said her brother has stubble on his chin


She strutted down the catwalk
In an outfit to make the critics talk
It was called simply “Iridescence”
And had a lustrous, brilliant appearance
Her outfit was called the wonder of the age
I think I’d prefer something in beige


Applying a tattoo
On a beautiful woman’s skin
Is something akin
To drawing a moustache
On the Mona Lisa
Or a Chad on the ceiling
Of the Sistine chapel
The only things that can enhance
A woman’s beauty
Is a smile about her lips
And a glow upon her cheek


When to my wife I was wed
My father-in-law to me said
I will give you ten acres and a cow
I’ve waited for the land for 10 years now


I sit at home alone
Waiting by the telephone
Hoping to hear her tender tone

But all the time I knew
It was fruitless to pursue
The fickle heart of Sue

I’ll spend no more nights alone
Waiting for Sue to phone
I’m better off on my own

So let me warn you about sue
Before she gets her hooks in you
Her love is definitely untrue

For as soon as you’re apart
The infidelity will start
For she has a cheating heart


My wife told me to be more romantic
And to book a table for Valentines Day
When we arrived at the snooker hall
I can tell you there was all hell to pay


Have you always been partial to a skinny red head?
But you married a twenty stone brunette instead
Have you always hankered for someone small and petite?
Instead you married a woman with size ten feet
Were you attracted to intelligent women with wit?
But instead you married some uncouth twit
Did you always fancy a girl with figure that swings?
But instead you’re stuck with miss bingo wings
Do you ever think your perfect woman got away?
Well you are not alone because I think it every day



Joanne the willowy vixen
Willing and welcoming
Dancing on the pole
Writhing and gyrating
Erotically cavorting
Like a gracile courtesan
Suppliantly performing for the clientele
Of dirty old men and drunken letches
Debasing herself for meagre reward
In seedy surroundings
Selling herself to wealthy businessmen
With her nakedness she begs
For more paper currency
She calls herself an exotic dancer
But she’s no better than the geisha
Who satisfies a Mikado’s libido


The Spanish maiden with the come hither look
Resplendent with curves shaped to arouse
A maiden possessing that perfect combination
Of come to bed eyes and a gaping blouse


I have always been magnanimous by nature
Generous of heart and noble of spirit
Kind, forgiving blah blah blah
In short I have always been a door mat

I don’t get to be the significant other
I am destined to forever be the paramour
The elicit lover, skulking in the dark
Never to come out into the light

Never to be amative, never to show my feelings
Always effacing myself in public
Confined to simple flirtatious episodes in view
And elicit sexual dalliances behind closed doors

Hotel doors mainly, locked against the world
Sometimes another mans bedroom door
With another mans wife or fiancé
I am not proud of what I do, but I do it anyway


Pubs and clubs he scours
In the wee small hours
To use his seductive powers
On the maidens he devours
Then in the early hours
The maidens he deflowers
Are left like wilting flowers
He then returns to gothic towers
Where he then showers


She slipped off her long leather coat.
Revealing just her underwear
Standing before me dressed all in black
A leather Basque, lace panties
A garter belt and stockings
And six-inch stiletto heels
I was instantly aroused
And wanted her there and then
But instead she knelt before me
At the alter of my lust
And took the sacrament


She wears sexy underwear
And speaks dirty to me
I handle her roughly
Like a rag doll
I bend her to my will
I grope at her breasts
Toy with her nipples
My fingers first probe
Then penetrate her hot wetness
And revel in her response
Then she begs me to enter
And as I do I feel her shudder
Such burning passion
Consumes us both
As we are lost in the baseness of the act
Filthy words spill from her lips
As we exorcized our lust
Then sweet ecstasy
In the moment
Of our passions culmination


She is my southern Irish bundle of fun
If you want a good time girl she’s the one
She drinks like a fish and dances till dawn
She’ll run around naked on your front lawn
She likes to gamble but doesn’t do drugs
And likes to drink Guinness from mugs
She is the one who paints the town red
There’s never a dull moment it has to be said
Then later you can have a quiet Canoodle
Until you unleash her inner sex poodle
Then she’s a sex crazed Barbie doll
Who doesn’t know when to stop at all
For outside she’s sweet as apple strudel
While inside she’s a spanky sex poodle


Hey there blondie I really like your hair
But I bet that it’s a different shade down there
I bet you don’t have any white blonde thatch
Your collar and cuffs certainly won’t match
Or maybe a mismatch really isn’t anticipated
Possibly you have already defoliated
I don’t mind you with or without down below
I’m am an easy to please kind of fellow
And if you’re a bottle blonde I don’t care
Or if there is a mismatch with body hair
Any way it comes that’s my simple philosophy
And besides it’s not something I’m likely to see


I want to get a Tom Tom
Or any make of Satnav
But my lady wife won’t hear of it
Not all the time I have
Her to map read for me
And give me vague directions
Saying left instead of right
At all the intersections
But it’s always my fault
When we take another detour
Though it’s her not paying attention
I don’t want to do this anymore
For she doesn’t really map read
She only reads her women’s mag
But that’s what I’m stuck with
A fifty year old sat nag


After another dismal round of European qualifiers
I think its time for a change
There are too may countries now
So I propose something radical
Norway and Sweden should merge
To become Swedway or Norden
Spain and Portugal could become
Sportugal, Porpain or Spugal
Denmark and Finland would be Finmark
Belgium and Holland would become Belland
Germany and Austria would either be
Gerstria or the fourth reich
The Balkan states could reform as Yugoslavia
Greece and Turkey could be Treece or Gurkey
The USSR could regroup, for sporting reasons only of course
And the home nations could combine to become England


It was love at first sight
When I first saw Stephanie
That sparkling sprite
Stunning little Steffie
It may have been her beautiful face
Wish a rosy blush on her cheek
She was the most beautiful creature
I ever held in my arms
It may have been the fine brown hair
Dancing on her shoulders
Hair so fine it turned to fire
In the sunlight
Making a halo on an angel's head
Possibly it was her vivaciousness
Or just her small buttocks
Encased in her dirty jodhpurs
She was simply heart stoppingly gorgeous
Being in love with her was joyous,
Being loved by her was glorious
She would hug me
And bury her head in my chest
The smell of her hair was heaven
Her perfume a divine intoxication
And I would feel her tremble in my arms
As a tiny bird might in the palm of your hand
I wanted to keep her safe
Protect her from harm
Then I would kiss the top of her head
And carry her off to bed
I loved her so much
But I should have loved her more
I should have loved her with a passion
With such depth and intensity
That God himself
Could not have rent her from my grasp
But I did not
And my little bird escaped


I was fourteen when I met her
It was the school holidays
And time could hang heavily
As you tried to fill the days

But that was before Maria
We met at the local lido
During that long hot summer
When she affected me so

She was a big busted girl
A full year older than me
And the stirrings in my trunks
Were due to her close proximity

Everywhere that was important
Maria was big soft and round
An open smile and wondrous lips
And a voice of honey sweet sound

I lost my heart on that summer day
Her charms I could not resist
That summer of sexual awakening
Her lips were the first I kissed

What a great summer it was
With Maria by my side
Our first summer of love
My heart full of love and pride

The summer passed much faster
After I first saw her lovely face
We parted in September
Never again to share an embrace


As I sit in the musty library
In a once great house
I read, not one of the leather bound tomes
That fill the shelves from floor to ceiling
But a collection of letters
Neatly tied in ribbons
And they take my breath away
For each page is part of a remarkable story
About a most extraordinary couple
And their exceptional love story
For this lovingly devoted couple
Never met
Yet their love was evident
In their personnel correspondence,
No in their Love letters
Let’s say it how it is
The flowery words of an affaire d’amour
Echoed in the calligraphy on every page
Each billet doux
More affectionate and romantic than the previous
They bill and coo on every page
Each lovingly constructed sentence
Heavily laced with innuendo
Subtle yet explicit at the same time
Flavoured with delicious nuances
Flirtatious and lustful
Romantic and affectionate
A love of such purity
Not for its pureness of thought
But for the absence of any hope of physicality
She was an invalid, bed ridden
He a subject of an enemy state
So she couldn’t go to him
He couldn’t come to her
They could never meet, would never meet
So they made love via correspondence
An affair lasting more than forty years
Only ending with his death
His dying wish that her letters be returned to her
So that they at least should lie together


The coffee shop was quiet
Much quieter than last week
When I last saw her,
Which was also the first time
But in those seven days
She has filled my every thought
I have haunted the coffee shop everyday
But I haven’t seen her again
And today once more
There is no sign of her
I should ask the waitress
But what would I say
“Have you seen that girl?
She was here a week ago
The girl who was sat there
In that easy chair
The girl with the chestnut hair
In a pixie cut, have you seen her”?
How ridiculous would that sound?
She would think me mad
Or worse a stalker
Maybe if I told her about her smile
A smile to brighten the darkest day
Or those green eyes
Hypnotic and mesmerising,
Or that soft velvet laugh
But no I would just sound creepy
So I order a coffee instead
And sit in her corner
Drinking my coffee
While pondering my insanity
“Do you mind if I join you”?
A voice halted my musings
It was her, my quarry
She was here and she was speaking to me
“Absolutely, please do”
I replied rather pompously
“I love this corner” she said
“I like to sit and watch the world go by”
We exchanged a smile
But now she was actually here
I was speechless and my head was spinning
And I felt a little guilty
For stalking her like prey
Then, in a soft easy tone
She spoke again, which put me at my ease
“Didn’t I see you in here last week?”



You have elegance
Poise and grace
A certain sophistication
And what was once called “it”
You have beauty
And sex appeal
You know what you’ve got
And how to use it
You have style
And fashion sense
You know what goes
And what does not
So answer me this
Why do you choose?
As your date
A tattooed Neanderthal


She was gracefully slender
He was over weight so not so
She was something of a wit
He was not known for his bon mot
She was an intelligent beauty
He was not either though
With absolutely nothing in common
What attracted them I don’t know
But caught on the kitchen table
Going at it with Gusto
Were the unlikely couple
Undoubtedly in flagrante delicto


What a strange affair
That mismatched pair
A pair of opposites
Caviar and grits
What did they do?
That mismatched two
Who were juxtaposed?
He fucked her, I suppose



While some use it liberally
Others hardly ever say it
Some won’t say it
Others can’t say it
Some have noone to say it to
And some say it to anyone
Some feel it but don’t say it
Others say it without feeling it
Some long to hear it said
Others are scared away by it
But whether you would have
Should have or could have
Make sure when you use the word
That you mean it when you say it
And you say it when you feel it
Love is just a word
Just one simple word
But what an effect it can have
And what damage it can sometimes cause


While some use it liberally
Others hardly ever say it
Some won’t say it
Others can’t say it
Some have no reason to say it
And some should say it to everyone
Some feel it but don’t say it
Others say it without feeling it
Some long to hear it said
Others are scared by it
But whether you would have
Should have or could have
Make sure when you use the word
That you mean it when you say it
And you say it when you feel it
Sorry is just a word
Just one simple word
But what an effect it can have



A man of words and not of deeds
Sounds like a politician to me


Boys and girls come out to play,
The moon does shine as bright as day;
They come with a rug and a packet of three
They come prepared to play carnally


I do not like thee, Doctor Fell,
The reason why I can now tell;
I only see you when I feel unwell
And you’ll sound my death knell


Wash on Monday,
Iron on Tuesday,
Bake on Wednesday,
Brew on Thursday,
Churn on Friday,
Mend on Saturday,
Go to meeting on Sunday.
And all on minimum wage
These polish maids are brilliant


There was an old woman of Leeds
Who spent all her time in good deeds;
until she moved to Lancashire


Robert Barnes, fellow fine,
Can you shoe this horse of mine?
No, good sir, that I can’t,
Why ever not, fellow fine?
Primarily because I’m an estate agent called Mike
But mainly because that’s a push bike


Pussy cat Mole
Jumped over a coal,
And in her best petticoat
Burnt a great hole.
And that’s genetic modification for you


Once I saw a little bird
Come hop, hop, hop;
So I cried: "Little bird,
Will you stop, stop, stop?"
But it didn’t stop
So I shot the little bastard


Multiplication is vexation,
Division is as bad;
And that’s why they invented the calculator


Molly, my sister,
And I fell out,
And what do you think
It was all about?

She loved coffee
And I loved tea,
And that was the reason
We couldn't agree!

If you believe that
Then more fool you
She was actually screwing
My husband Hugh


Little Polly Flinders
Sat down upon cinders,
Cinderella and Polly
Are naughty little girls aren’t they?