Tuesday, 21 September 2010


She is the most sugary sweet
Girl you could meet
In essence she is a perfection
Of a confection
She is a sweet sensation
She is a candy creation
She is a delicious bon bon
Need I really go on on
And to tell the honest truth
I have the sweetest tooth
And long to consume
In the quiet of her room
This soft centered dream
Of peaches and cream
But like many a desire
That lights a mans fire
Come the appropriate hour
The candy will turn sour


If our love is over
If our love really is no more
Then leave me now
Go now and close the door

Don’t stay to damage
An already broken heart
Each day brings more pain
It is better that we part

You hand is on the handle
Then my fears are realised
I have lost your heart
That cannot be disguised

If our love is over
Don’t prolong the agony
Like a caged love bird
Open the door, set me free

We must end it now
It has become a disaster
Please do it quickly
Like removing a plaster

Go through the door
Don’t look back at me
For I will breakdown
And I don’t want you to see


The years are passing me by
And another relationship has failed
What is wrong with me?
Why has this love affair derailed?

Why can I not hold onto love?
What kind of signal do I transmit?
What makes me so difficult to love?
I cannot put my finger on it

So I must move onto pastures new
Looking for the most elusive pray
Wishing for better luck this time around
And that I will strike gold one day

Surely it is not too much to ask
That my love be returned in kind
I won’t give up the search
I’ll keep looking and see what I find

I just have to keep believing
Keep the faith and I will soon see
The next one that I can love
And hope that they will love me


Why is it that when I think about you
I find my self inanely grinning
Yet I get nothing back from you
That would get my giddy head spinning

I can’t go on getting nothing back
I have wasted too much time on you
I need to feel your love, but I don’t
So breaking up is the only thing to do

Breaking up is hard to do, so says the song
But that doesn’t apply in this case
For when I tell that our affair is over
No hint of emotion shows on your face

I should perhaps have realised
Your heart was not there for the winning
But blinded by my love I didn’t notice
You were indifferent from the beginning


Why do you hold back?
Why can’t you go all the way?
“I love you” those are the words
That I want to hear you say

Don’t be half hearted
I need you one hundred percent
I don’t want you to be unsure
I want you to be content

You have to be sure
Content as I am in my choice
But you are not are you?
I can hear it in your voice

You don’t feel the same as I
I don’t make your pulse race
Or your heart skip a beat
I’m right; I can see it on your face

Love isn’t a one-way street
It has to flow both ways
But it isn’t flowing to me
Not even on the best of days

Then it’s over and done
I won’t have half measures
It has to be all or nothing
Not just the pleasures

I need to be “the one”
I won’t be your second best
I won’t invest my love
With no prospect of interest

It’s sad when love ends
And a couple have to part
But I only feel regret
That I never reached your heart


You had me loving you from day one
And I had you loving me when it begun
But somewhere along the way
Your cheating heart decided to stray
You had me loving you totally
And I thought I had you loving me
But now your heart resides elsewhere
And you have left me in utter despair
You are still the one that I adore
But you don’t love me anymore
You still have me loving you totally
But I no longer have you loving me

A Little bit Of Humour

I have often thought it ironic
If not positively absurd
That the term, abbreviated
Is an eleven letter word


There is a ghost in my house
A poltergeist in nature
And I am determined to see
Its imminent departure

I have secured the services
Of an expert of eminence
An exorcist of renown
To un-haunt my residence

He is not a cheap solution
To my poltergeist problem
But the spirit has to go
Before I end up in an asylum

But the price must be met
This was sternly stressed
For if I default on the fee
The house will be repossessed


An octogenarian visited his doctor
'I think I'm getting senile” he said
The doctor replied “I don’t think you are senile
Let’s look for a different diagnosis instead”
“But I keep forgetting to do up my fly”
The old man said “After I’ve been for a pee”
The doctor smiled and then replied
“Not opening your fly before you start, that’s senility”

Ooh Err


Oh to awake at dawn
Awaking with the horn
To sport a morning glory
Was highly satisfactory
A magnificent early riser
With which to surprise her
But alas that was in my youth
And to tell the honest truth
Now my poor dormant muscle
Can barely raise a chuckle


Not pampered or preened
Nor sculptured or shaped
Not tidied or groomed
Nor shaven or scraped
For neat and manicured
Well, nothing could be fouler
For we like it as nature intended
An untamed hairy growler
No French landing strips
Or Brazilian styled
Just wild and untamed bush
Because we like our beaver wild


I used to rise at dawn
And marvel at my erection
Such a thing of beauty
So wonderful in its perfection
But those days are behind me
Its flaccid now upon inspection
And to raise it from its flaccidity
I must consume some blue confection
And thus perform a miracle rising
Akin to the resurrection



Pat a cake, Pat a cake, Bakers man
Bake me a cake as fast as you can;
Full of E numbers and artificial flavouring
Then microwave it until the oven pings


Tom, Tom of Islington,
Married a wife on Sunday,
And that’s all I will tell
Because to be honest it doesn’t end well


Three wise men of Gotham
Went to sea in a bowl:
Their wisdom was a misconception
They died and that’s natural selection


There was a little man
Who wooed a little honey;
and she was wooed and wooed and wooed
But not as wude as he


"Broken chairs to mend"
"Broken chairs to mend"
If I'd not gone to Argos
With money to spend,
I never would cry
"Broken chairs to mend"


Our lord beaten and bloody
Must die like a criminal
To add insult upon injury
Atop his tousled curls
Was set a thorny crown
Pressed into his scalp
He carried his cross
Upon his bloodied back
Through narrow streets
To the baying of the crowds
Then onto the hill of Calvary
Where the prince of peace
Was nailed to his cross of pain
And dealt the final blow
His side pierced by a spear
His earthly life ebbing away
Through the open wound
He called out to God
But not for vengeance
He asked that they be forgiven
And his cross of pain
Cast a Holy shadow
Across the world
That reached every corner
But the shadow cast
Was not one of darkness
But one of light
A divine light
The light of love
Which still shines today
For it is the eternal light of God


Don’t the years go quick?
It’s another birthday BBQ
It’s that time of year again
When acquaintance is renewed

When family and friends
Come affably together
To eat a hearty meal outdoors
And sod the English weather

The beer and wine is chilled
The buffet has been prepared
The BBQ is well alight
No planning has been spared

So everything is set fair
Most of the guests are here
But never wanting to be the first
Ted and Rene are last to appear

So a brace of Ted’s, a pair of Paul’s
Tina and Becky, Rosemary and Rene
Not to forget Gordon and Wendy
Were all assembled at the scene

I should also mention the children
As they are part of the family
But we kept them locked away
And they were forgotten easily

We sat in the quiet shade
Beneath the big gazebo
Erected against the expected rain
That thankfully failed to show

At last its time to eat
And excitement is running high
As everyone stood up
Tina poked Rosemary in the eye

And what did the assailant do
When seeing the result of this act
Was she humbly apologetic?
No, she laughed out loud in fact

Then suddenly a disaster occurred
Unrivalled at any previous year
And the nature of this calamity
We were running out of beer
So a quick dash out in the car
To the “Happy Shopper” store
And hopefully unnoticed
Return to home once more

I returned and an eerie hush descended
Silencing the function
But nothing sinister occurred
It was simply quiet consumption

When the pudding plates were empty
And glasses were refreshed
The dishwasher could be heard
Washing away the mess

The afternoon passed nicely by
In comfortable affability
With moments of silliness
And not a small amount of frivolity

Tina with hand outstretched
With a ruby ring on her finger
Like the time of her engagement
“Oh look see the light linger”

As usual on these occasions
The cat got all the attention
Not the birthday boy and BBQ chef
I just thought that I would mention

And when enough alcohol was drunk
Tea and coffee arrived instead
Not that anyone got smashed
Only a glass, and that was Ted

There were uninvited guests
Flies and wasps descended
But traps were set for the Jaspers
And one got decapitated

All too soon the time had come
For folk to wend their way
And fond fairwells were said
Until we meet on another day

Then came the time to draw a breath
And reflect on the festivity
Then open another can of beer
And say happy birthday to ME