A HUMEROUS COLLECTION

REMEMBER, REMEMBER THE FIFTH OF NOVEMBER

Remember, remember the fifth of November
Gunpowder, treason and plot
For that was the day Guy Fawkes failed
To blow up the bloody lot

WYNNE OR NO

Do you know who invented the crossword?
I can't remember his name for the life of me
It’s on the tip of my tongue just out of reach
It’s W something N something E

THE FULL ENGLISH

I like the full English
When it comes to breakfast
Something substantial
For a satisfaction that will last
None of that continental rubbish
All foreign and nasty
And what’s the deal with a croissant
It’s nothing but an empty pasty

SCARED HALF TO DEATH

Last week I got a fright
That scared me half to death
But that’s not the real trouble
What happens if next week
I get another terrible fright
Will that make it a deadly double?

MARTYRS LANE

When the martyr’s mothers reminisce
Clutching photos that they kiss
They shed a tear for their lost sons
Who blew themselves up for martyrdom
Then one tearful mother is heard to say
“They blow up so fast, don't they?'

I WISH TO COMPLAIN

“I wish to complain” the woman growled
The manager said “How can I help you”?
“There is a puddle on the bathroom floor
What are you going to do”?
The manager with a smile replied
“I’ll have the maid mop it up for you,
And if it’s any consolation, I have three sons
And there’s always a puddle in our loo”

A TRIP TO THE FARM

When our class
Visited the local farm
We had a lovely day

And on the bus home
We sang a song
About our lovely day

The sheep go baa
The cows go moo
The ducks go quack
Chickens cock a doodle doo

The shepherd says hi
The cowman says hello
Get off that fucking tractor
We hear the farmer bellow

MUSICAL FUSION

There’s a new music fad or fashion
A genre of Swedish/Australian fusion
They play Dancing Queen and Waterloo
On the wobble board and the didgeridoo
I don’t know if it will catch on at all
They call the music Abbariginal

STRIKE TWO

What would you say to someone?
With two shinning black eyes
Well I wouldn’t say anything
They’ve clearly been told twice

KEEN TO BE GREEN

Local authorities’ love recycling
It’s a green policy and its one that wins
They want to reduce the carbon footprint
Of the electorate, for their sins
But if they were truly serious
They’d stop making so many recycling bins