Wednesday 28 April 2010

SENIOR HUMOUR

DEFYING GRAVITY # 1

With such widespread use of breast implants
There will surely come a time in the next 50 years
When there will be a large octogenarian population
Of confused and befuddled perky breasted grandmas

DEFYING GRAVITY # 2

With so many treatments for erectile dysfunction
In future there will be a large octogenarian population
Of grandpas with erections to answer grandmas prayers
Who can’t even remember why they went upstairs

DEAD CERTAIN

A senior couple were lying in bed one morning. Just as a new day was dawning
Having had the most perfect nights sleep
Long, restful, undisturbed and deep

The old gentleman turned to his wife and asked
“Would you like a cup of tea?”
She lay perfectly still in the same position
“NO! Of course I don’t want a cup of tea”

Surprised by her vehemence he asked “Why not?”She answered, “Because I'm dead” “What are you talking about? Of course you’re not
What put such a thought in your head?”

“It’s no good you arguing with me about it
I have no doubt at all. I am definitely dead,
And that’s it and all about it, because
I woke up this morning and nothing hurts” she said

SENIOR COLUMN

I wake up in the morning
But don’t get out of bed
Until I’ve read the obit’s
And made sure that I’m not dead

SENIOR WEEK

Since I’ve been retired
Everyday is a fun day
My week now consists
Os six Saturdays and a Sunday



SENIOR FORCAST

Since I’ve been retired
I’ve noticed that my hips
Are more accurate forecasters
Than those met office twits

A SHADOW OF YOUR FORMER SELF

In your younger days
Your figure was quite svelte
You were trim and fit
And you didn’t need a belt

You were dapper and neat
And sartorially proud
Now your clothes are garish
And horribly loud

In your untailored attire
You lack any kind of taste
And all of your trousers
Have an elasticated waist

Your health is not the best
You have a dicky heart
Your digestion is quite iffy
And you’re prone to fart

I look back to the past
And the feelings I felt
When your manly cologne
Was the only thing I smelt

Now that you're mature
And your skin no longer fits
For some unknown reason
I still love you to bits

THANK GOD THAT’S OVER

I'm so glad I am leaving
It’s not before time
It’s like release from prison
After committing no crime

It’s a cause for celebration
Bring on the dancing girls
Crack open a bottle
Let’s get the flags unfurled

I’ve worked too many years
For Scrooge like employers
Today is a joyful occasion
It’s the greatest of pleasures

I'm so glad I am leaving
It’s all I have desired
Thank God the day has come
I’m so glad I’ve retired

YOUNG LOVERS # 1

Your breasts small and pert,
Nipples deep pink and alert
Loins young and tender
Supple flesh in youthful splendour

My athletic muscular form
And endless stamina to perform
My jack in the box like phallus
What has now become of us?

BLONDE HUMOUR

STAY, STAY, STAY

Conscious of the danger to an animal
Being left inside a parked car
A woman opened the car window
So her puppy could get some air
But the little pup saw the open window
As a route to escape the car
And the woman had to stop
Before she had got very far
She stood and pointed at the dog
Firmly saying stay, stay, stay
A woman of the blonde persuasion
Was watching her from some distance away
But she had to keep repeating it
Until she felt it safe to go
The blonde woman shouted to her
“You can use the hand brake you know”

DOWN BY THE RIVERSIDE

Bimbette was out for a stroll by the river
And was enjoying the walk in the countryside
When she saw Peaches on the opposite bank
“Hi Peachy how do I get to the other side?”
Peaches looked at her with a puzzled expression
“You’re already there silly” she replied

TRANSPORT HUMOUR

OUT OF SERVICE

There was a ship rotting in a naval dock
I asked a man if he knew its history
He said it was a Minesweeper once
I didn’t press him but it seemed to me
For a ship to be a Minesweeper once
Was not really a unique ability

ROAD HOGS

Some drivers are so selfish
And some are arrogant with it
It seems that when they buy a car
They think the road comes with it

A WING AND A PRAYER

If the wings travel faster than the fuselage,
And you are in a helicopter, that’s ok
However if you are in any other aircraft
It’s probably a very good time to pray

ROAD RAGE # 2

I hate driving
I hate what it does to me
I strive to be better
And behave courteously

But the second
The car door slams
I feel myself change
Into a different man

I lose my communication skills
Speaking in gestures
Or coded messages on the horn
That don’t relieve the pressure

Driving makes me intolerant
Impatient and aggressive
It makes me angry
Selfish and abusive

I hate driving
I hate what it does to me
It fills me with rage
For every thing I see

SPORTING HUMOUR

HUNTIN’ SHOOTIN’ AND TIPPIN’

There was a craze not long ago
A kind of country pursuit
A sport known as cow tipping
Perpetrated by callow youth

Now due to the recession
There is a new craze to report
A rural epidemic, fly tipping
It’s popular but not much of a sport

SCUBA TECHNIQUE

Have you ever wondered why it is?
When sitting on the edge of the boat
Scuba divers always fall backwards
When entering the water, well take note
It’s because if they were to fall forwards
They would go face first into the boat

BRITISH BULLDOG

Diego Maradonna
He of the infamous
Hand of God
Has been savaged
By his new pet
The hound of God

PUNNING

FRANKLY MY DEAR

What would a fish say?
If it swam into a concrete wall?
Well it would probably say “dam”
If it said anything at all

BAGGAGE REGULATIONS

A vulture boarded
A jumbo jet
Carrying two dead
Marmoset

The stewardess said
"I'm sorry sir,
Only one carrion Per passenger"

DAVY JONES DISCO

If you go to a seafood disco
For a tango and a tussle
Don’t complain about bad luck
If you only pull a muscle

RAMBLING

I met a guy from the ramblers today
I think his name was John
He was a harmless bloke I suppose
But he just went on and on
TODAY I SAW TWO BANKERS

Today I saw two bankers
Two pin stripe suited wankers
I watched from where I was sitting
As they walked into a building
However what’s puzzling me a bit
Is why didn’t one of the see it

DOPEY BROTHER

My brother has a really bad habit
He smokes pot to excess you see
When he needs more from his dealer
He picks up the phone and hits the hash key

LUVVAGE

My pencil case is in love
But not with a pencil
But with two schoolbags
It must be bi-satchel.

HEALTHY HUMOUR

A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE

A balanced diet
Is what is planned
Which invariably
Means I understand
Something healthy
Something bland

A healthy lifestyle
Is what is planned
So a balanced diet
If I might expand
Does not involve
A pie in each hand
THE BUDDHIST AT THE DENTIST

The Buddhist monk
Following dental examination
Refused an injection
For his required dental extrication
Instead he chose to
Transcend dental medication
DOCTOR IN MOTION

“Doctor I have chronic diarrhoea
And I think it’s hereditary”
“Nonsense man I can assure you
Diarrhoea is not hereditary,
And no matter how chronic it is
It’s not as bad as it seems”
“But doctor I know it’s hereditary
Because it’s in my jeans”

WHAT CAN I EAT?

I don’t want Swine flu
So no more pork for me
I don’t want Bird flu
So no chicken fricassee
I don’t want mad cow disease
So no more Beef for me
I don’t want Salmonella
So no dippy eggs for tea
With mercury in the water
I will no longer eat fish
There is pollution in the air
So I’ll eat no bird related dish
I cannot eat any type of fruit
Because of insecticides
And all vegetables are out
Because of the herbicides
So I am at a loss now
To know what I can eat
There is of course chocolate
But then what would be my treat?

PHILOSOPHICAL HUMOUR

WHERE DO YOU STAND?

Just standing in a palace doesn’t make you a Tsar
Any more than standing in a garage makes you a car
It doesn’t make you a cook if you stand in a kitchen
So just going to church doesn't make you a Christian

PHILOSOPHICAL FACT

Everyone is entitles to their own opinion
I have no argument with that
But I would very strongly make the point
They cannot have their own facts

PHYSICS QUESTIONS

Physicists pose important questions
Beneath the Swiss mountain slopes
With their large Hadron collider
And when for the answers they grope
Is the tool that measures their success
Going to be called a collider scope?

CLEAN SWEEP

A clean desk is the sign
Of a sick mind
A clean house is the sign
Of a wasted life
A clean mind is….
Just unnatural

SEX AND RELATIONSHIPS

LOVE OF THE SEA

Oh my love how you remind me of the sea
Not for being amazing, powerful and dramatic
No, you remind me of the sea my darling
Because when I’m close to you I feel sick

MULTITASKING MAIDENS

Women are supposedly very good at multitasking
Men are not, which allegedly is our biggest crime
But if women are truly capable of multitasking
Why can’t they have a headache and sex at the same time?
BINGO, BANGO, BONGO

I will call up my Dolly
To be alone would be folly
Perhaps I’ll call Holly
But should I call Polly
Or little miss Molly
To call all might be a folly
But an interesting volley
What a prospect by golly

WHIRLWIND ROMANCE

A woman is like a hurricane
Whether your partner or your spouse
When she comes she’s hot and wet
When she leaves she takes half the house

WOW YOU SMELL GREAT!

“Wow you smell great! what do you have on”?
The young woman asked in her opening gambit
“Well honey” He replied “I actually have a hard on
But I had no idea at all that you could smell it”

SHEEPISH

A man walked into his bedroom
Where his wife was preparing for sleep
And stood in the doorway
Holding a leash attached to a sheep
“Sweetheart when you have a headache
This is the cow I make love to”
The wife looked at him with utter contempt
Then took his silence as her cue
Saying ”If you weren't such a numbskull,
You’d know that's not a cow it’s a yew
He replied "If you weren't so conceited
You’d realise I wasn’t talking to you”

BREATHE THROUGH IT

A young woman had a panic attack
A side effect of British Railways
My wife and I went to her aid
But I struggled to avert my gaze
From her heaving chesticles
“Big breaths” my wife instructed her
I was still staring at her puppies, said
“No, but beautifully pert would be fare”

SHE WHO MUST BE

When first we met I thought of her
She who must be an angel
When we were married she became
She who must be obeyed
Now we are divorced she has become
She who must be despised

LIQUID TO SOLID

Liquid Viagra will become
The ultimate cocktail I think
And be popular with the group
In need of a stiff drink

TAKE A CLOSER LOOK

You don’t need expensive binoculars
They’re a waste of money you know
Instead of bringing the object nearer
Stand closer to her bedroom window

DRINKING FROM THE UGLY POND

Alcohol was originally invented
So ugly people could have sex too
Because viewed thru beer goggles
Everyone looks beautiful to you
It also serves to add some variety
To the beautiful peoples gene pool

FRIENDSHIP DEFINED

The definition of a real friend
Is someone who would never let a girlfriend
Drink to such excess that they will try
To have sex with a very ugly guy

WORKPLACE WOES

9 out of 10 women
At my company
Accused me of sexual harassment
And are suing me
And I’m being sued for discrimination
By plain Jane my 10th employee

PLAYING DRESS UP

To surprise her husband and add some spice
She dressed in tight black leather Basque
Six-inch stilettos heels, black stockings
Black garter belt and a leather mask
When he walked through the door he said
“Oi Batman what’s for dinner may I ask”?

BEACH ETIQUETTE

A naked man sunbathing at the beach
In order to preserve his dignity
And protect it from the sun
Placed his hat over his thingamy

A passing woman smiled and said
“A gentleman would lift his hat for a lady”
He replied “If you get your kit off
Madam it will raise itself, maybe”

DRIVING RAIN

Wipers swish
Expelling the rain drops
Heater whirls
Expelling heat to clear the mist
Headlights burn
Expelling darkness and fear
It’s a dirty night
But the doggers will be here

A STIFF DRINK

Viagra may soon be available in liquid form,
And will assist the flaccid when it’s done
By making it possible for a man to perform
By literally pouring himself a stiff one

IN THE COLD LIGHT OF DAY

If you are the sort of woman who believes
Life is too short to dance with ugly men
Then you almost certainly believe
It’s too short to have sex with them
Just remember that when you get drunk
There are no ugly men to offend you
And I bet you’ve never bedded an ugly man
But I’m sure you’ve woken up with a few

LITTLE BITS OF LUST

HER ALLURE

She makes my thoughts impure
With her seductive allure
I am infected, and I am sure
They will never find a cure

PANDORA

Pandora was a bit of a trollop
You’d often find her round the docks
Though she would disagree
And thought herself a bit of a fox
But what made her more doxy than foxy
Was the odour from Pandora’s box


LOLITA’S SLAVE

This sexually precocious Lolita
Who so enflamed my Ardour
This most vivacious temptress
I longed to hold and caress
Infected me with her allure
And with no antidote or cure
She holds me captive in her spell
And simply bends me by her will

PHILANDER

Flirtation and casual sexual affairs
“Playing away” that is to philander
No sexual conquest is too trivial
A quick blow job or a knee-trembler

LUCKY GUY

I knew from the look in her eyes
That I was the lucky guy
Who in some form or guise
Would get between her thighs
And hear her deep throated cries
Then revel at her climactic sighs

LADY LUST

Lady Lust
Doused in heavy musk
Outrageously flirty
Exotic, erotic, earthy and dirty
She didn’t bother with underwear
She knew what she wanted and didn’t care
A woman full of desire
Looking for someone to quench her fire
On that day she chose me
To satisfy her sexually
And each satisfying penetration
Culminated in ecstatic ejaculation
And I made love to lady lust
Til there was nothing left but dust

YOUNG LOVERS # 2

Those first encounters
Clumsily fumbling in the dark
Those first breathtaking excitements
Of harmless petting
Never a risk to ones virginity
You only ever came in your pants
And never inside a girl

THE LIBERTINE

The libertine, devotee of the immoral
Master of the sexual conquest
Racks up countless sexual relationships
Because that’s what he does best
A real love them and leave them type
He is only interested in sexual gratification
A libertine just satisfies his appetites
And he doesn’t blame it on a mythical addiction

ROSE TINTED GOGGLES

She walked boldly into the pub
Mutton dressed as lamb
In clothes that didn’t suit her figure
Or her generation
She had too many miles on the clock
From all the journeys round the block
She was a real old spunker
With a bad case of “tits on belly”
Plus she had hairy armpits
And was decidedly smelly
Nonetheless viewed through beer goggles
She would look more attractive
And would doubtless see some action

BITCHIN’ BABE

Wow as you passed slowly by
You really caught my eye
With your figure so top class
Can I grope and squeeze your arse?
You have a very ample chest
Can I fumble inside your vest?
Are you moist beneath the waist?
Will you let me have a taste?
Oh your hips gyrate and tease
Let me split your whiskers please
Let me leave you in a state of bliss
If not I will gladly settle for a kiss

WENCH HUNT

A certain healthy horny fellow
With his wild oats to sow
Will seek a field that’s fallow
With a mind to plough the furrow

DESPERATELY SEEKING TOTTIE

In bars and pubs
In joints and clubs
In bawdy brothels
And pervert chapels
In dens of iniquity
You seek promiscuity
Girls of easy virtue
Happy to insert you

MY THOUGHTS ARE SINFUL

MY THOUGHTS ARE SINFUL # 1

My thoughts are sinful
As when I look at your perfection
Your body a temple of purity
I think only of its desecration

MY THOUGHTS ARE SINFUL # 2

My thoughts are sinful
The sordid and lustful kind
I what to rip your clothes off
And roger you from behind

MY THOUGHTS ARE SINFUL # 3

My thoughts are sinful
Of your beauty lavishly garnished
In a state of partial undress
Your fingers manicured and varnished
Toying with my shaft
Your reputation forever tarnished

MY THOUGHTS ARE SINFUL # 4

My thoughts are sinful
I like to think of sin
I like to see you smile
I like to see you grin
But I’d really like to see
With my balls upon your chin

CONCUPISCENCE

CONCUPISCENCE # 1

I have a bar maid fantasy
I would like to serve her
Instead of her serving me
But the service I would perform
If I get my wish
Is to kiss her clitoris
Then with eager tongue
Bring her to climax
And taste the nectar
That sour musk
Of lusts honey
And drink of her
Like a fresh pulled pint

CONCUPISCENCE # 2

Affected by her Joie de vivre
In a way I couldn’t believe
This amazing tour de force
Set me upon an immoral course
And in libidinous concupiscence
I gained valuable sexual experience

CONCUPISCENCE # 3

Each man doth aspire
With she he doth admire
To ignite loves blazing fire
And then the burning desire
Of the impassioned esquire
Is to quench the maiden’s fire

CONCUPISCENCE # 4

In my fecundity I see you
And all the dirty things you do
Self-abuse and things of that kind
And being rogered from behind
But I don’t feel any shame
Because you don’t even know my name

21st Century Brits

CUT FROM DIFFERENT CLOTH

My parents were born between the wars,
And in their day
People were cut from different cloth
A sturdy resilient cloth
A cloth that bound the nation together
They were tougher people
Who lived through tough times
The general strike, the depression
The Second World War
20 years of rationing
But life had greater value
Because its pleasures came hard
And life was more than a measure
Of what could be possessed
The post baby boomers
Roll their eyes at such talk
But our country is weaker
And its people
Less sturdy, less resilient
Today we are a ragged nation
Just a collection of frayed threads

THE SELFISH GENERATION

People are loyal only to themselves
They have no sense of nation today
And put their own self-interest first
“What’s in it for me” is what they say

People have many heartfelt opinions
But hardly a one true conviction
When England is once more in peril
This is my sad and sorry prediction

There will be no mass rush to volunteer
Conscription will be met with legal scheming
They only way to get them to join up
Will be to drag them kicking and screaming


ALL ABOUT RIGHTS

I was staggered with an item
On the news last night
About illegal downloads
And breach of copyright
One proposal is to block offender’s broadband
Which I thought was alright
But apparently this in itself is illegal
As broadband is now a human right
What has become of this country?
What brought us to our plight?
What about the Tolpuddle martyrs?
What of the suffragettes fight?
What of battle for equality
These are true issues of human right
If King Arthur returned to us
He would turn and take flight

THE BULLDOG BREED

The British in the past
Seemed to have more grit
The Londoners of old
Bombarded in the Blitz
Shook their fists in defiance
Such were the plucky Brits
People alive today
Would never stand for it
They’d shout about human rights
And probably serve a writ

WAR AND WARRIORS

GRANDDADS WAR

In South Africa during the Boer War
Granddad got the key of the door
In France during World War 1
He lay wounded when the day was done

He could have met a very bloody end
But for the bravery of his friend
So he lived to fight another day instead
And died an old man in his own bed

THE SOLDIER’S LAST MUSTER

When the sun is in the west
You will safely go to rest
At the setting of the sun
With your soldiers duties done
You will feel your God is nigh
As you ascend up to the sky
And in earths fading light
Where tears diminish sight
Where loved ones question why
A new star will grace the sky
Gleaming bright in the firmament
Proudly amongst the regiment
To mark the passing of a soldier son
Who died not seeing victory won
Now the time that moves us most
The plaintive lament of the last post
For those falling fighting foes
Heads bow as the bugle blows

BEFORE THE KAISER CAME

Before the Kaiser came
Swallows fed on the wing
Above green meadows
Butterflies danced on the breeze
And birdsong filled the copses

Then the Kaiser came
And no longer did birds sing
Mud filled the meadows
Gunfire echoed on the breeze
And rats fed on the corpses

FLANDERS ENDURED

A wondrous pastoral scene
Green fields and meadows
Woodland and hedgerows
Unchanged for centuries
A beautiful place, a safe place
Then came war’s unkind caress
Which swept away the green
Repainted the pastoral scene
In shades of brown
And turned everything to mud
Tree trunks devoid of branches
Stood like rows of rotted teeth
In the mouth of hell
The fetid stench of detritus
Filled the air
All this did Flanders endure
The blood, the mud, the tears
For four long years
Now another kinder hand
Has touched the land
And colour has returned
From the paint box of peace

SERRIED ROWS OF CROSSES

The landscape changed
From peace to bloody war
A hellish muddy landscape
Those men had to endure

And when war was ended
The living had moved on
The dead remained on parade
To forever guard the Somme

The landscape changed
From bloody war to peace
A sombre mark of the passing
Of those who fell before the cease

Serried ranks of white crosses
Marking those who stayed
To be forever remembered
These fallen comrades on parade

FIGHTING TALK

“You’re fighting for a just cause”
That is the justification
“You’ll make the world a safer place”
“You’ll protect your nation”

These are the politician’s words
Spoken with passion and pride
Spoken away from the line of fire
Spoken from where warmongers hide

Men of empty rhetoric
These politicians never see danger
Safe on their leather seats
They never hear shots fired in anger

PROUD HERITAGE

Like many Englishmen
When our history is revealed
My forebears shed their blood
Men who never thought to yield
On the battlefields of England
And on many a foreign field

LIFE’S HIGHWAY

LIFE’S HIGHWAY # 1

No matter which road I decide to travel along
Road works have got there before me it seems
I think its part of a new government initiative
“The dig up the roads to cause congestion scheme”

LIFE’S HIGHWAY # 2

It seems that no matter which road I travel
As soon as I turn onto it the road works begin
They always get there before me with one exception
There are never any problems on the road to ruin

LIFE’S HIGHWAY # 3

It seems that no matter which road I travel
As soon as I turn onto it the road works begin
But it’s not the road works themselves I mind so much
It’s that they’re never filling the bloody Potholes in

NATURAL VERSE

FALL FESTIVAL

The summer comes to an end
Sooner than anyone believes
And so begins autumns festival
Of dancing painted leaves

LAZY SUMMER

Wildflowers in the meadow
The lark up in the sky
The days are long and languid
The land is warm and dry
The lazy days of summer
Just pass you slowly by

THE AMBLING STREAM

The early morning sun
Glints on the ambling stream
Where the Kingfisher hunts
And lovers go to dream

THE CRUEL SEA

In the sunlight it flatters to deceive
But don’t be fooled by its calm exterior
For beneath the welcoming surface
You will succumb to its true nature

Its lures you into a false sense of security
Its intent is to drag you to its depths
Sap your strength, every ounce of energy
And squeeze from your body every breath

She will let you surface for a breath
Then drag you down again out of reach
Then when she has toyed with you enough
She dumps you lifeless on the beach

LONG LAZY SUMMER DAYS

Long lazy summer days
Collecting shells along the shore
Long lazy childhood days
I wish them back once more

SAPPHO’S INTIMATE KISS

In my nakedness I surrendered to her
Yielding to her dominance
Like a bitch before her alpha
Proffering my soft underbelly
She knelt before me
And pushed my thighs apart
My head swam
And my heart beat hard in my chest
Blood coursed through my veins
And roared in my ears
Then she leant forward
And kissed my quivering belly
And began her southerly progression
Moving slowly and purposely
And kissing my skin along the route
She paused to nuzzled my bush
Savoring the scent
Then she arrived at the source of my anticipation
The mound of eager flesh
The expectant petals open
Moist like a dewy rose
Then her tongue touched the petals
Of my moist blossom
And my body shook
With each clitoral stimulation
Of this oral assignation
My body quaked in spasm
Of each successive orgasm
Until I reached that enviable state of bliss
Thanks to Sappho’s intimate kiss

LOVE IS MORE

Love is more
Than aesthetics
Beauty is only skin deep
It may be what you first notice
Or what first gets you noticed
But it’s not enough
Love is more than the flashy cover on a book

Love is
What can’t be seen at first glance
It’s what’s beneath the surface
It’s the detail on every page of the book
That has to be studied
It’s what remains when beauty fades
It is the constant

Love is more
Than physical attraction
Or physical expression of that attraction
Even when it’s fantastic
It’s not enough

Love is
What you do in between the sex
Not just kisses that delight
It’s in the conversation
And the understanding
It’s holding hands and not caring who sees
Its walks in the country
It’s dancing cheek to cheek to cheesy love-songs
It’s caring and sharing
Love is being diminished by its loss

I AM THE WOMAN

When a door opens
And a siren enters the room
And every head turns
I am that woman

When the siren slinks
And you can here a pin drop
As the mouths fall open
I am that woman

When the wives tut
And girlfriends whisper
And men’s eyes undress
I am that woman

When a mouth is just another orifice
And conversing eye to eye
Is really eye to breast
I am that woman

I am the woman
Oozing sexual desire
I am the woman
Men and women picture naked
I am the woman
They all want to possess

When you are valued
For what’s between your legs
Than between your ears
I am that woman

When you are called a whore
And treated like a slut
Viewed like a piece of meat
I am that woman

They call me tart
They call me siren,
They call me temptress
They call me vamp

I want to be called sweetheart
I want to be called darling
I want to be called mum

I am the woman
Considered to be desirable
I am the woman
That oozes sexuality
I am the woman
Who can have any man she chooses
I am the woman
Who want to be chosen
By a man who can see me!

DEAR PRUDENCE

I was given the challenge
Well in truth it was a bet
And the bet was to get a date
With Prudence the librarian
Whose coldness was legend
It would be a tall order
But I picked up the gauntlet
And headed to the library
I walked up to the desk
And there she stood
She was short in stature
But imposing nonetheless
Her countenance was severe
Thick chestnut hair
Pulled back off severely off her face
Her make up would best be described
As minimalist
And she peered at me
Over thick framed spectacles
She wore a chunky beige sweater
Two sizes too big which hid her shape
And a dark pleated skirt, knee length
Over thick black wool tights
And the not unattractive legs
Terminated into sensible shoes
I tried small talk
But she was not receptive
Her demeanor was positively frosty
Every enquiry she batted back to me in the negative
But despite everything
There was something about her that I liked
Something intangible
curiously she was not my type
in any way, but still there was something
So I decided to persevere
But because I wanted to
Not because I had to
So firstly I paid off on the bet
I wasn’t doing it for a stupid bet
But because of that intangible something
An itch I couldn’t scratch kind of thing
Realizing small talk would get me nowhere
I thought I would try a different tack
And converse with her on her own terms
I had to engage her intellect
So each day I would go to the library
And ask her to recommend a book
Which we could then discuss each day
And each day she thawed a little
Then I posed her questions,
History, Geography, the arts
I found her to be both knowledgeable and interesting
And I found that I was becoming interested
In the subjects we were discussing
And looked forward to our time together
As each day she thawed a little more
I wanted to have more
Than just the few precious hours at the library
But I didn’t want to undo what I had achieved
Upset the status quo
And refrigerate her again
Then at the end of one particular day
Prudence asked me
“Would you like to go for a coffee?”
I was speechless but nodded in the affirmative
Later she told me
She fell for me because I engaged her mind
And valued her for what was between her ears
And not what was between her legs
Or inside her sweater

Wednesday 21 April 2010

STAND FOR THE KING

In Cumalot, Big King Dick
Really lived up to his name
In his kingdom he’d shagged
Every damsel and dame

Then one summer morning
With not a cloud in the skies
A terrible thing happened
King Dick failed to rise

His Royal Prince was limp
Rung out and pathetically flaccid
His mojo had deserted him
King Dicks libido was dead

He called the court physician
Who prepared him an elixir
He called the court sorcerer
Who prepared him a philtre

But when cure-all and love potion
Failed to raise the dead
They tried erotic love balms
And sexual salves instead

But when these proved nostrum
Failing to raise the dead
The King lost his temper
Ordering the removal of their heads

He sent for the Royal love-smiths
The most alluring in the land
The dangerously seductive,
Sultry temptresses took him in hand

When the Royal Dick was still limp
They tried something else
Kissing every erogenous point
But this failed to quicken his pulse

So after he’d exhausted his supply
Of all his tarts and bints
He called for the Royal carpenter
To fashion him a splint

But this was no real solution
And it merely made him wince
Especially when he got a splinter
In his flaccid little Prince

He looked at dirty pictures
And he read erotic literature
He watched his soldiers shagging
He was so desperate for a cure

So when every thing had failed him
He took to his bed in disgust
Wouldn’t speak to his courtiers
He just reminisced of his lust

Then one day sickness was abroad
And he waited for breakfast in bed
Instead of his hot little maid
A mangy old crone came instead

He looked at the warty face crone
Moving about to and fro
And King Dick felt the stirrings
Of the Royal Prince down below

He leapt out of bed and grabbed her
And quickly removed his nightgown
Then he bent the crone over a chair
And the little Prince was crowned

From that day on in the kingdom
No crone was safe from his lust
Dirty ugly and warty faced
The Kings little Prince wasn’t fussed

THE PRIAPIC YOUTH

The priapic youth
Has a sexual obsession
He thinks about sex so much
He has a permanent erection

Even when it stands at ease
He will still have a semi on
And he will produce semen
Sufficient to fill a demijohn

Every thing in his life
Will turn on the priapic youth
To such an extent he is
Preoccupied with self abuse

A glimpse of a girl’s neck
Is enough to get him randy
Then it’s out with the old chap
For a quick hand shandy

He’ll wake with “an early riser”
Each and every morn
So he starts the day with a tug
On his “dawn horn”

He’ll pull the pud after breakfast
Beat his meat before brunch
He’ll knock one out at elevensies
And spank the monkey at lunch

After tea he chokes the chicken
In the shower he has a glop
Watching telly a knuckle shuffle
And in bed he’ll bash the bishop

Such is a day in the life
Of a priapic youth and his issues
Who masturbates to excess
And gets through a lot of tissues

FAITH

FAITH IS LIKE # 1

Faith is like electricity
You can’t see its traits
But you can see the light
That it generates

FAITH IS LIKE # 2

Faith is like electricity
You can’t see it
But you can see the light
That emanates from it

JESUS

He travels the four winds
He is everywhere.He is an ever present force
He is the one who cares

He is our strength
He is with us from the start
He gives us joy
He lives in our hearts

He is our hope
His heart is full of love
He repairs us
He is love

Jesus is the King of Kings
Who died for us
On that cross of pain
To cleanse us

THANK YOU LORD FOR BEING THERE

Thank you Lord for being there
And bathing us in your blessed care
Thank you for all your blessings
And understanding my transgressing
Thank you for being the one
Who watches over my three sons
And my most wonderful wife
Thank you for being in my life

YESHUA (JESUS)

Yeshua, you are
Our hope of salvation
Dying for us
Our hope of glory
Living in us

Yeshua, you are
Our hope for the future
Living for you
Our hope for redemption
Alive in you

THE LOVE OF CHRIST

The love of Christ
Unconditional, pure
Deeply felt love
That doth endure

THE BEAUTIFUL GAME

GO FOURTH

Who will finish fourth?
Will it be Liverpool?
Who stake their claim?
Or will Aston Villa rule
Who will stand tall?
Will it be Man City?
That win the prize
Or will Spurs be sitting pretty
Who will go forth?
Into the Champions League
To dine at the top table
Who of these wannabes

Liverpool were last the champions
More than 20 years ago
Aston villa weren’t crowned
For 30 years or so
Its more than 40 years
Since Man City won
And Spurs were last the winners
In 1961

But the Champion’s League beckons
For these wannabes
These trophy less also ran’s
How can that be?

ALL IN THE GAME

Shaven headed barbarians
And tattooed savages
Strut with preening peacocks
In performing their pantomime
While their vengeful tribes
With banners held high
Chant their rhythmic cacophony
Faces distorted with hate

On the field of honour
They grapple and kick
They push and pull
They dive and roll
Assault and assail
Connive and cheat

In unforgiving onslaughts
They perform for baying hordes
A vile and brutal spectacle
Always referred to
As the beautiful game

MUMMY’S BOYS

I long since came to terms
Since John Barnes set the trend
With footballers wearing gloves
To keep their little pandies warm
I am less understanding
Of players taking to the field
With tights beneath their shorts
But it seems I must accept it
But the line has to be drawn somewhere
And that line was crossed
This very weekend
I was shocked beyond belief
To see a player take to the field of play
Wearing a muffler about his neck

FOOTBALL

There are many differences
Between Rugby and football
Rules, number of players, ball shape
Goal posts, pitch markings, duration
And so on and so forth
It was once said that football
Is a gentleman’s game played by ruffians
And Rugby a ruffians game played by gentleman
Not quite as true as it used to be
But still not far off the mark
I’ve even heard it said
That Football is played by children
And Rugby by grownups
But for me the difference
Can best be defined in this way
A Footballer spends 90 minutes
Pretending to be injured
While a Rugby player spends 80 minutes
Pretending that he is not

BLATTER’S FOLLY

Everyone wants a video ref in the game
There are no dissenting voices I can name
Fans shout their support and managers want it
Players are in favour and even the refs want it
Because it is a change that really matters
Everybody want its except Mr Blatter

UEFA CHAMPIONS GREED

I hate the Champion’s League
On so many levels
I hate it because it’s a competition
Devised by money grubbing devils

I hate it because you have to enter it
Because that is where the money is found
Money to lure the pampered prima donnas
To your particular ground

I hate it because it is ceded
So the best teams are always on view
So that UEFA can optimise
Their television revenue

I hate it because it doesn’t seem to know
What it really wants to be
Is it a knock out competition?
Or the beginnings of the super league

But I hate it most of all
Above all other considerations
Because the European Champions League
Has so few actual champions

Post Script

Well all the above is true
But I regret the overriding reason
That I hate it so passionately is that
We have been knocked out this season

THE NATURAL

As a footballer I must confess
My skills locker is somewhat bereft
I am a naturally two footed player
But unfortunately both of them are left

SPRINGTIME

SPRING

As spring comes around again
With its abundant falling rain
The rolling hills of luscious green
Are most pleasing to be seen
And with the renewal of spring
The heart lifts as if taking wing
When Daffodils break through
And spring flowers of every hue
Is their a better time on earth
To feel wealth of natures worth

REFRESHING SPRING

Refreshing spring
The season of renewal
When nature will release
Her early jewels

THE HIGH MELT

The high melt waters rush
Feeding springs annual event
As over the ancient rock
Water tumbles effervescent
As it heads inexorably to the sea
In its headlong descent

THE HILLSIDES IN MAY

No finer sight the eye will see
Than the hillsides in May
A carpet of green spread out
So as to take your breath away

THE THROWS OF SPRING

Its spring time
When beauty is released
Like a hand stitched
Patchwork masterpiece
Nature shows off
Her spring time finery
Spread like a throw
Over all you see

PUT DOWN's

PUT DOWN # 31

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
Before he has chance to deliver
His pick up line to you
Just say to him
"And which dwarf are you?"

PUT DOWN # 32

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
Before he has chance to deliver
His pick up line, get in quick
And say "I see you've chosen today
To humiliate yourself in public"

PUT DOWN # 33

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
When he sidles up to you with his pick up line
Which will be dumb like as not
Just say to him first
“Hi I know a village that’s looking for and idiot”

PUT DOWN # 34

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension“
If you want a good time” he might say
“Then I’m your man”
Just reply to him "Really?
Then I might as well become a lesbian"

PUT DOWN # 35

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension“
If your looking for loving” he might say
“Then I’m definitely your man”
Just reply to him “Sorry, but after meeting you
I'm thinking of becoming a lesbian"

PUT DOWN # 36

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
Sometimes you may have to deflect
The same offender so you can then say
“My God! How many times do I have to flush
Before you’ll finally go away”?

THE NINE MUSES OF THE ARTS – CALLIOPE (MUSE OF EPIC POETRY)

THE NINE MUSES OF THE ARTS – CALLIOPE (MUSE OF EPIC POETRY)

The nine muses
Daughters of Zeus
Inspiring of mortals
And nurturers of the arts
The first was,
The divine Calliope,
Beautiful-voiced,
Was the muse of the epic poets
A writing tablet in her hand
Calliope was Homer's muse
Inspiration for the Iliad
Divine influence of the Odyssey

THE NINE MUSES OF THE ARTS – CLIO (MUSE OF HISTORY)

The nine muses
Daughters of Zeus
Inspiring of mortals
And nurturers of the arts
The second was,
The divine Clio
The maker of fame,
Was the muse of history
A parchment scroll in her hands
Clio was the proclaimer

THE NINE MUSES OF THE ARTS – ERATO (MUSE OF EROTIC POETRY)

The nine muses
Daughters of Zeus
Inspiring of mortals
And nurturers of the arts
The third was,
The divine Erato,
Desired and lovely,
Was the muse of the lyric poets
A golden arrow in her hand
Muse of love verse
And of Erotic poetry
Erato the muse who charms the sight
And inspires love in everybody

THE NINE MUSES OF THE ARTS – EUTERPE (MUSE OF LYRICAL POETRY)

The nine muses
Daughters of Zeus
Inspiring of mortals
And nurturers of the arts
The fourth was,
The divine Euterpe,
Rejoicing well,
Was firstly the muse of music
Then of Lyrical poetry
A double flute in her hand
Euterpe the Giver of delight

THE NINE MUSES OF THE ARTS – MELPOMÈNE (MUSE OF TRAGEDY)

The nine muses
Daughters of Zeus
Inspiring of mortals
And nurturers of the arts
The fifth was,
The divine Melpomène,
The one that is melodious,
Was firstly the muse of singing
To celebrate with dance and song
Then she became the muse of tragedy
And hid behind a tragic mask
A knife or club in her hand
Creator of beautiful lyrical phrases
Melpomène muse of Horace

THE NINE MUSES OF THE ARTS – POLYHYMNIA (MUSE OF HYMNS)

The nine muses
Daughters of Zeus
Inspiring of mortals
And nurturers of the arts
The sixth was,
The divine Polyhymnia,
The one of many hymns,
Was the Muse of sacred poetry and sacred hymns
Of eloquence and pantomime
In her long cloak and classical pose
Polyhymnia was a serious, pensive and meditative muse

THE NINE MUSES OF THE ARTS – TERPSICHORE (MUSE OF DANCING)

The nine muses
Daughters of Zeus
Inspiring of mortals
And nurturers of the arts
The seventh was,
The divine Terpsichore,
Delight of dancing,
Muse of choral songs and dance
A lyre in her hand
Accompanies the dancers
Terpsichore muse of dance
Mother of the sirens

THE NINE MUSES OF THE ARTS – THALIA (MUSE OF COMEDY)

The nine muses
Daughters of Zeus
Inspiring of mortals
And nurturers of the arts
The eighth was,
The divine Thalia,
Flourishing, in bloom,
Was the muse of comedy and idyllic poetry
A comic mask in her hand
The praises of Thalia, rustic goddess
And in her songs flourish through time

THE NINE MUSES OF THE ARTS – URANIA (MUSE OF ASTRONOMY)

The nine muses
Daughters of Zeus
Inspiring of mortals
And nurturers of the arts
The ninth and final was,
The divine Urania,
Heavenly muse,
Was the muse of astrology
A globe in her hand
Dressed in a cloak embroidered with stars
Urania was reader of the stars

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 121

Mary had a little drink
And got pissed as a cricket
She was found in the woods
Showing the boys her thicket

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 122

Mary loved her little lamb
Every single day of course
But most of all on Sunday
With homemade mint sauce

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 123

When I was a bachelor I lived by myself,
but people told me not to get left on the shelf
So I made up my mind and got me a wife
Too late I realised I had surrendered my life

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 124

Cock a doodle doo,
My wife has lost her shoe;
oh what a convenient confidence trick
Just so she can buy some new

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 125

Little Bobby Snooks was fond of his books,
And loved by his mother and father;
But the kind of books, read by Bobby Snooks,
were pornographic in nature

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 126

Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall
Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall
Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall
He must be a Liberal Democrat

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 127

Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall
But Humpty Dumpty couldn’t fall
Because he had to wear a safety harness

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 128

Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall
But so Humpty Dumpty wouldn’t fall
He was sent by the head of human resource
On a three week health and safety course

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 129

Ring-a-Ring o'Rosies
Something to wipe noses"
A-tishue? A-tishue?"
Or if not a hankie

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 130

Remember, remember the fifth of November
Gunpowder, treason and plot.
They had the right approach back then
Blow up the bloody lot

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 131

Oh, Pillykin, Willykin, Winky Wee!
How does the President take his tea?
He takes it with sugar, he takes it with milk,
He takes it in bed wearing pyjamas of silk

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 132

If all the seas were one sea,
What a great sea that would be!
But if all the seas were one sea,
There’d be nowhere for you and me

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 133

I love little pussy,
Now don’t get excited
It’s not that kind of rhyme
That I want to be recited

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 134

Come let's to bed, says Sleepy-head;
Wait a while, says Mo;
Take a blue pill and grab the KY
And we’ll tup before we go.

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 135

Corporal TimWas dressed so trim,
He thought them all afraid of him;
But sad to say,The very first day,
We had a fight,He died alright,
For lack of equipment, poor Corporal Tim

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 136

Christmas is coming, the geese are getting fat
I can’t wait till Christmas to eat some of that
Coz I’m on the Atkins diet and that’s a fact
I just hope that I don’t have a heart attack

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 138

Sing a song of Sixth Sense
Haley Joel Osment wonders why
He’s followed every where
By that Bruce Willis guy

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 137

Jack and Jill went up the hill
With there supply of bottled water
What is it with these bloody ramblers?

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 139

Polly put the kettle on,
Polly put the kettle on,
Polly put the kettle on,
We'll all have tea.
Sukey take it off again,
Sukey take it off again,
Sukey take it off again,
Stop pissing about Sukey

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 140

Ring-a-Ring o'Rosies
Oh I hate runny noses
A tissue! A tissue!
No don’t wipe it on your sleeve!

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 141

Curly Locks! Curly locks! Wilt thou be mine?
You’ll have to wash the dishes coz I’m a lazy swine
But I’ll lay you on a cushion and hold you in esteem
And I’ll make love too you until I make you scream

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 142

One misty, moisty, morning,
When rainy was the weather,
There I met a young man
All clothed in leather
All clothed in leather,
Fitted as tight as his skin
How do you wear it?
How do you move in it?
And what is that squeaking?

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 143

Robin Hood, Robin Hood,
Living in the green wood
With his merry band
And their stolen contraband

They feast and they dine
On stolen food and wine
Then the laughing starts
When Little John farts

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 144

Robin Hood, Robin Hood,
Living in the green wood
With his merry band
And their stolen contraband

Maid Marion comes no more
To the camp of the out laws
Since she saw the merry band
Skipping around holding hands

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 145

See a pin, pick it up,
And all day long you'll have good luck.
See a pin, pick it up,
And all day long you'll have a pin

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 146

See a pin, pick it up
Then you're sure to have good luck,
See a pin, prick yourself
And end up with hepatitis

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 147

See a pin, pick it up,
And all day long you'll have good luck.
See a pin let it lay,
And you wont be lumbered with a pin all day

Thursday 8 April 2010

SAPPHO’S FIRST KISS

When first sweet Sappho
Kissed me, I was shocked
The secret of my sexuality
Was finally unlocked

Sex had always left me cold
With no heat or fire
Now with Sappho’s kiss
I felt the burning desire

This was the first time
I’d felt this way
It never occurred to me
That I might be gay

Her hands fondled me
Inside my open shirt
Then she kissed my breasts
And her hand was up my skirt

My head was swimming
As my nipples felt her lips
Then she pulled my pants down
Over my trembling hips

While she sucked my nipples
And kissed my breasts
I felt the ecstasy
Of Sappho’s pudendal caress

SUNDAY SERVICE

Her dark eyes, sultry and steamy
Flashed a sideward’s glance
From beneath the black lace of her Mantilla
He gave her a browse
A more appraising look altogether
Her eyes flashed up again
A lingering languid glance
Which spoke of her muliebrity
Not the putative girl
They were now the cynosure
Of each others eyes
No words were spoken
Everything was intuit
With amative study
And libidinous perusal
She his object of pulchritude
He her beloved inamorato
Then they had to separate
And the spell was broken
Until next Sundays reunion

WHERE WAS GOD?

When Haiti shook
And the old colonial
Structures fell
Who was to blame?

When the rains fell on Madeira
Making rivers of mud
Where once were roads
Who was to blame?

When earthquake and tsunami
Wreaked their havoc
On Chile’s coast
Who was to blame?

The zealots speak of God’s wrath,
Divine retribution
Against the wicked of the world
Smiting the transgressors
But it’s not the wicked who suffer
It’s the most humble and devout
The poor and the needy
Who suffer the most
Why would God do such a thing?
What would be gained?
It’s not a Godly act
But rather that of a tyrant
That’s not what my God would do
My God is a loving God
Not a wrathful being

The secular blame God
For not stopping natural disasters
They don’t believe in him
But blame him anyway
Where was God?
What was God doing when he was needed?
When something wonderful happens
They praise nature’s ingenuity
Yet when tragedy strikes
It’s “where was God?”
God is not to blame
It is not within his power to prevent disasters
So he does what he can
He comforts and supports
Eases suffering and ends pain
But my God is not to blame

Mother Nature is the culprit
The planet is angry with mankind
And unleashes these acts of spite
To punish us for our indifference
Mother Nature roars
And defines our insignificance
When the earth moves
And mountains split
When winds tear up all before them
And the seas rise up
We are powerless
But we are not alone
When we are at our most vulnerable
Who do we call upon? God
Whoever that God might be
Mine is an understanding God
A compassionate God

LENT

LENT

This time of year is significant
For what Lent represents
But I have racked my brains
And don’t know what to give up for lent
I really don’t know what to give up
I don’t have a sweet tooth
And I neither smoke nor drink
No vices at all and that’s the truth
So despite its significance
For what Lent represents
I have come to the conclusion
It’s easier just to give up lent

I HAVE GIVEN UP FOR LENT

I have given up for lent
Pate de fois gras
Lobster thermadore
And Beluga caviar
Well in a way
I’ve never had them ever
But I won’t have them
Between now and Easter

WHAT CAN I GIVE UP?

For lent you have to give up
Something that you enjoy
Well that gave me a lot more choices
When I was but a boy
Now it’s not quite so easy
I don’t enjoy too much at my age
So I will have to give up being cantankerous
Or just give up road rage

MANDELA

What makes Mandela a great man?
Was it that he opposed apartheid?
So what?
He wasn’t alone in that
That doesn’t make him great
That would make half the world great

What makes Mandela a great man?
Was it that he led the ANC’s military wing?
So what?
Not really the stuff of greatness
Just another bloody terrorist

What makes Mandela a great man?
Was it his twenty seven years in jail?
So what?
Murder and rape will achieve that
That doesn’t make him great

What makes Mandela a great man?
Was it that he symbolized the struggle?
A beacon against apartheid
So what?
That doesn’t make him great

What makes Mandela a great man?
Is it that he’s a nice silver haired old man?
With a warm affable smile
So what?
That could be my granddad

What makes him a great man?
Was it that he was the first black president?
Of a free South Africa
Very historic
But that alone doesn’t make him great

What makes Mandela a great man
Is his humility
His humanity
He could have spoken in vengeance
Yet he spoke of reconciliation
He could have evened the score
Balanced the books
For black South Africa
He could have unleashed
A black tide of death and destruction
Upon the white minority
Pay back
But he did not
Instead he spoke forgiveness
He could have been a Mugabe
And never relinquished power
But chose to serve only one term
Then handed on the baton
His work was done
His greatness set in stone

THE WONDERFUL GIRL I SEE

Why do I love you?
Well it could be
Because you’re beautiful
Or that you’re funny

It could perhaps be
That you laugh at my jokes
Or that you chose me
When there are better blokes

It might be because
You’re caring and sharing
Or of modest disposition
Though cautiously daring

Why do I love you?
It could quite easily be
Your wisdom and intelligence
Or that you’re pretty and witty

But it doesn’t matter
What superlatives I apply
Or how long the list of traits
And attributes that I supply
You wouldn’t recognize them
The wonderful girl I see
Would be a stranger to you
Such is your modesty

WHY DO THEY CALL YOU PRUDISH JUDITH?

Hey Jude
I thought you were a prude
Hey Judith
I heard them call you prudish
Are you shy?
Is that the real reason why?
Hey Judith
Is that why they call you prudish?
But damn
When you’ve had a babycham
Wow Jude
You are no goody two shoes
In fact Jude
You are really rather crude
No prude
That I am forced to conclude
Jude I think
That is why you have a drink
As a cure
From being modest and demure
And Jude
When you’re in the mood
To be lewd
You are exceptionally rude
With no prudity
In the manner of your nudity
So Jude
I am forced to conclude
That Judith
Your prudishness is a myth

HOME SPUN PHILOSOPHY

# 1

A positive attitude
May not solve all the problems you’ll face
Which can make your life a trial
But a positive attitude
Will annoy enough people along the way
To more than make it worth your while

# 2

We make a living by what we get
That’s one way to live
But the alternative is we make a lifeBy what we give

HOME SPUN PHILOSOPHY

# 1

A positive attitude
May not solve all the problems you’ll face
Which can make your life a trial
But a positive attitude
Will annoy enough people along the way
To more than make it worth your while

# 2

We make a living by what we get
That’s one way to live
But the alternative is we make a lifeBy what we give

FAITH IS LIKE

# 1

Faith is like electricity
You can’t see its traits
But you can see the light
That it generates

# 2

Faith is like electricity
You can’t see it
But you can see the light
That emanates from it

NEVER JUDGE A BOOK

There is much more to a woman
Than what she can put on show
There is more in the emporium
Than there is in the shop window

Like an expensive Champagne
That a Lambrusco will out fizzle
A woman displaying all her assets
Is invariably all sausage and no sizzle

It’s the homely types that most excite
Hiding their figure neath frumpy dress
Shy and modest to the outside world
It’s the quiet ones who most impress

Beneath sober dress they burn hottest
Much hotter than the most brazen vamp
And when you get them alone they turn
From prim librarian into wanton tramp

NOT FADE AWAY

Big man
Strong man
Barrel chested
Smiling faced
Hearty man
Where have you gone?
I watched you get into that bed
A few short weeks ago
But you have disappeared
And I don’t know when you went

Your laughter was first to go
That fruity chuckle
That warmed and cheered
Fell silent first
Then your conversation
Once a source of knowledge
Wisdom and sardonic wit
Dried up like a drought stricken lake
Your sentences grew shorter
Disjointed and inarticulate
Until they were no more

Then you began to fade
Like a picture going out of focus
When you opened your eyes
And I looked in them
I saw no one looking back
The spark had gone
You had gone
When had you gone?
We didn’t say goodbye

As I looked at the withering shell
In its unconscious state
I heard the groans, as the pain cut deep
Through the morphine
In the slow agonizing transition
From man to corpse
I cannot pick the moment
At which you were no more
But it was days before rather than hours
When the essential you left
When that which made you, you, was no more
I hoped you were not in there
Suffering
Dying by inches
God I hoped not

What savages we are
To inflict this end on a human being
We would not do it to our favourite pet
We would not treat a dog like this
Yet I let it happen to this man
What indignity
What inhumanity
What kind of son am I?

I will not go this way
I will not fade away
I will not vanish
Before my loved ones eyes
I will say my goodbyes
I will smile before I go
I will go on my termsI will go by my own hand