Thursday, 26 November 2009


Snow blankets the ground
Lights twinkle and flash and chase
Reds, blues, white
From Chimney pot
To garden gate
Lights of every hue
And a five foot plastic Winnie the Pooh
Santa’s, elves and reindeer
Stand guard on front lawns
Neon signs point the way for Santa
A typical scene now you might think
Could be anywhere in the world
The only thing to give away the location
Is the fact it’s still November
So welcome to
Christmas in Chav land


I stepped out of the car
And was verbally assailed
As I stood upon my drive

“Trick or treat”
Came the banshee chorus
From creatures barely alive

I was taken aback
By this unprecedented event
This new tactic they’d contrived

In the past I had been safe
Behind locked doors
When the leaches arrive

But pretending not to be in
Would not cut it any more
If I was to survive

I must be as clever
As the candy seeking predators
And learn to duck and dive

So when a firework went off
And their attention was distracted
I ran away to hide


I am a very lucky man
To have her as my wife
And I think she thinks the same
About having me in her life

There are only two things
With which she takes issue
That’s everything I say
And everything that I do


Is your life hard?
Do you feel stressed out?
Do, the do’s and don’ts
Make you scream and shout
To change things around
There is no doubt
That ice-cream and cake
Will turn your stress about
For if you turn Stressed around
Then Desserts is spelled out


I really want to say to you
Just how precious you are to me
I really want to say to you
That I know you are the one for me
I really want to speak to you of love
But here is the twister
I really can’t talk to you of love
Because I’m in love with your sister



Baldy locks may be very rich
He may even be a millionaire
But Baldy locks is unpleasant
And he will never share
Don’t ever approach him
If you don’t want to hear him swear
If you fall beneath his gaze
You must say a little prayer
Don’t venture to close
Never stray into his lair
Don’t try to converse with him
You won’t elicit any cares
The only things he cares about
Are his three remaining hairs


How can they say smoking is bad for you?
It’s a lot of old tosh in my personal view
All my family smoked since they were nippers
And after all smoking has cured my kippers


Newsy, newsy
Suzy the Floozy
(Not very choosy)
Met Boozy Susie
(Always woozy)
Then had a twosie
In the Jacuzzi
Floozy and Woozy
Then got all Oozy
And decidedly bluesy
Before Suzy the Floozy
(Not very choosy)
And Boozy Susie
(Always woozy)
Got a bit snoozy
Twosie Suzie’s
Newsy, newsy


Little red riding hoody
Was sent to visit her sick grandma
But the big bad wolf spied her
Before she’d got very far
The big bad wolf wanted to eat her
And was just about to strike and mar
When she set her pit-bull on the wolf
Then went off to rob her grandma


A woman arrived on the ward
To visit her husband one day
And when she saw him in his bed
He looked in a very bad way
She asked the nurse what happened
“He had another stroke” The nurse said
The woman unconvinced
Questioned her about bruises to his head
“That’s not normal for someone having a stroke”
She said to her crossly
“I can tell you it is perfectly normal madam
When he’s having a stroke of me”


When the navy is in town
There is mayhem all around
As the sex starved from the fleet
Wreak havoc in the streets
Chanting amidst the noise
Get your tits out for the boys
In search of feminine company
After several months at sea
Pleasing them is easy
These horny men of the sea
They don’t want to see your thighs
Or to look into your big brown eyes
The only thing that will satisfy
Is getting your tits out for the guys
They don’t want to see you pout
Just get your top off and get them out
You can do a dance of lust
If you really think you must
You can even bump and grind
They don’t really mind
You can make a really sexy noise
As you get your tits out for the boys
This is not the best way to be
If you really want some company
Oh these enlightened men of the sea
All end the night skint and lonely


I don’t do plumbing
Carpentry or electrics
I don’t mess with tiling
Bricklaying or mechanics
I suppose I could be described
As a handy man, in a way
As I live on the premises
And can be there the same day
But that isn’t really handy
If I’m being fair
As I’m actually bloody useless
When I get there
So I don’t do DIY
I’m just not that guy
But I do, do GSI
I’m a “Get Someone In” kind of guy


I’ve just seen myself in the mirror
And it’s clear I need to get thinner
But if I join a gym they tell me
I will feel the benefits immediately
Their fitness plan like as not
Will take me from shot to hot
From porker to corker
From chunk to hunk
From duff to buff
But in order for me to see my toes
I just need to pay them through the nose
So rather than try to get thinner
I will just stop looking in the mirror


FIFA are on a mission
Disrespect for refs they want to defeat
An admirable ambition indeed
But first they need to stamp out cheats
Its spread from normal quarters
To Thierry Henry who to his ignominy
Handled the ball to keep it in play
A offence done quite deliberately
Which was compounded by his lie
That it happened accidentally


The Liverpool supporters
Singing from the cop
Urge me to join them
On and on they never stop

“You’ll never walk alone”
Is the anthem they sing
It’s gone on for years now
With that tinny scouser ring

Well I’m from Blackpool
And of more sober tone
Which is why I say to the cop
That I’d rather walk alone


Lying in bed on their wedding night
The newly wed wife said, eyes full of tears
“Before we were married
I was a hooker for eight years”The husband said to her calmly
That he had no concern about it
And that it might even
Spice up their nuptials a bit
Then she got flustered
And said “no, no you don’t understand
My name was Jeremy
And I played Rugby for England”


The song of the supporters pack
“Who’s the wanker in the black?”
That was the chant
But no longer, for you cant
Disrespect the referee
For a man such as he
Is to be protected
And respected
And no one must speak ill
Even if forced to swallow the bitter pill
Of un-just officialdom
Which is NOT seldom
No manager may mutter
Query or utter
Discontent in the refs direction
For to commit such an indiscretion
Will see them had up before the FA
Where a fine must be paid
And be sentenced to a touchline ban
For insulting the black clad man
But why should they be protected
And forcibly respected
They are a professional group
And well salaried to boot
They no longer officiate
In their amateur state
Low-tech refereeing
A hobby to be fitted in
Attending the scene of their crime
In their spare time
With no remuneration
For their dedication
No “bread and honey”
Just enough for petrol money
If lucky luncheon vouchers maybe
For a cup of tea
And a pie to warm the soul
Before disallowing a perfectly good goal
It was much better then
With those amateur men
And be able to say to their faces
That they were bloody disgraces
I don’t think we have progressed
Now we have professional refs
They now think themselves important
And no longer want to hear the chant
But I still want to sing with the pack
“Who’s the wanker in the black?”

Monday, 2 November 2009


# 76

An apple a day
Keeps the doctor away
Is an old wives tale
And doomed to fail
So when the doc calls
Just knee him in the balls

# 77

Horsey, horsey will you stopJust stop with all that clippetty clop
You’ve been put out to pasture as you know well
So stop playing with the coconut shells

# 78

John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt,That is my name now
That’s John spelt with an H
And Jacob with a CAnd Jingleheimer spelt the right way!!
Oh what is the point just call me JJ

# 79

The Grand old Duke of York
He had ten thousand men
And when the hedonistic Duke reached the end
He started all over again

# 80

There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her face
She might call it a curl
But I’m afraid little girl
You’ve actually grown a moustache

# 81

There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her forehead.
“That’s inbreeding for you”

# 82

Christmas is coming the geese are getting fat
Pick me out the fattest one and we’ll have that
It needs to be a big one for our Christmas feast
In fact just give us the one that’s clinically obese


Put you trust in me my love
I will never let you down my dear
My darling, dry your tears
My angel set aside your fears
Our life together will be sublime
Sweethearts till the end of time


Just let me gaze into your eyes
His words did not disguise
His unsubtle advances
Of flirtatious talk and furtive glances
But I fell victim to his charms
And he held me in his arms
But I held him in mine as well
And then had him under my spell
As I gazed into his eyes
I had the lothario hypnotised


This is a technical tip so listen to it
Absorb it and assimilate it
If it’s wet you may dry it
If it's dirty you may clean it,
If it squeaks you may oil it,
But if it works: don’t fiddle with it!


I want you every day
In each and everyway
With every breath I take
I want to inhale you
I want to consume you
I want to undress you
Slow and controlled
I want to peel you
Like a piece of fruit
Whose consumption
Is to be anticipated
Each layer more revealing
Exposing the sumptuous flesh
Ripe in its perfection
A sight to be savoured
A delight to be relished
I want to touch you
Feel the warmth of you flesh
Sense it tremble beneath my fingers
Feel the beating of your heart
Beneath your perfect skin
Listen to your breath sounds
Altering with each touch
I want to caress the shape of you
Touch the heat of your passion
Feel your moistness
I want you every day
In each and everyway
With every breath I take
But to you I don’t exist


My skin yearns
For your gentle touch
That silken caress
Of velvet joy

My body yearns
For the warmth
Of your tender embrace
Enveloping me

My heart pleads
For you presence
To be replenished
To be refilled

My lips beg
To be softly kissed
By petal pink mouth
Of honey sweetness

My essence craves
That other entity
Which makes me whole
My soul mate


You sit in reception
A vacuous bimbo
Reading your mag
And thinking of bingo

You read your magazine
Quite empty headed
Smiling at men
Who’d have you bedded

If you could read our minds
What images you’d see
Vividly depicted scenes
Of lust and debauchery

You would be employed
For a very different job
With balls on your chin
And a nob in your gob

The men in the pinstripe
Would have you promoted
If you allowed yourself
To be spit roasted

The delivery driver with
“a package for yer”
Would like to bend you over
The photo copier

Even the women
Of the other persuasion
View you in their fantasies
Being used for perversions

As for myself you would see
Your bountiful naked bod
Breathless and panting
Riding my rod

It’s safer if you remain
A vacuous bimbo
Reading your mag
And thinking of bingo

This poem was inspired by a particularly unhelpful, vacuous and obnoxious receptionist in Sheffield whose complete disinterest in anything but her magazine led me to compose this ode, fuelled merely by spite and malice.
I would like to apologize in advance to the large body of very efficient, helpful and largely sexually unattractive receptionists up and down the country.


Discarded from a moving car
The litter travels very far
Each piece small or big
Performs a little merry jig
Each windblown piece at play
Participates in the ballet
Plastic bags float with ease
Waltzing high upon the breeze
Sweet papers flutter
Down in the gutter
Coke cans or maybe tango
Dance the tin can fandango
While larger papers jitterbug
Thanks to the litterbug


Silkily sheer
From dainty ankle
To lily white thigh

Silk stockings
Needing to be touched
Pleasing to the eye

Silk stockings
Cool to the touch
Hot to the eye

Silk delicately soft
Contrasting my ardour
These legs in silky guise

Smooth cool silk
Temptingly tactile
A feast for hand and eye

Silken stockings
Sensual silk road
That leads to paradise