Friday, 30 October 2009

BEWARE THE IDES….

Ceasar and Brutus were talking one day
About the phones with the most cachet
They discussed the best deals of the day
Then friend Brutus thought to say
“What network are you with by the way?”
Ceasar promply replied “O2 Brute”

THE LITTLE CHILDREN SAY

The little children say
All cute and sweet
On all hallows eve
“Trick or treat”

The little pleading faces
Look up with innocence
Wide eyed angels
Full of malevolence

A cute kid you can trust
I haven’t met yet
And what they really mean
Is tricks and threats

Friday, 23 October 2009

CHRISTMAS HERALD

The Christmas lights are up
The shops play Christmas tunes
The Santa’s are out in force
In their red and white platoons
Christmas goodies are on display
The best selections ever seen
Which sends the message out
That it’s nearly Halloween

Friday, 16 October 2009

GODS GRACE

Little Grace sat hugging her granddad
“Did God make you granddad”? She said
As she stroked his old wrinkled face
Then ran her fingers across his balding head
“Yes sweetheart God did make me”
Then she touched her own face
“And did God make me too”?
“Yes God made you too my little Grace”
She thought for a moment then said
“Well in that case then I guess
God must have fixed the problems
In the manufacturing process”

LOCKERBIE LAMENT

The grieving families
Of Al Megrahi’s victims
Have no truck with mercy
Or Scotland’s political whims
They say they want justice
For their loved ones
But most just want vengeance
When all said and done
In their grief they crave
Justice for the just
Al Megrahi’s death itself
Won’t satisfy the bloodlust
Because withering away
Consumed by cancers hand
Is an inadequate passing
For such a man
Perhaps some more public end
Shown on live TV
A public execution
For all the world to see
Stoning him to death
On the Whitehouse lawn
With Obama saying “yes we can”
As the families look on

REUNION TREPIDATION

Reunions are strange affairs
Full of shadows of events long past
Faces swim at you from the crowd
Faces from the past
Some are old friends
Greyer in colour
Frailer in body
But still recognisable
Someone says
"I haven't seen you for years"
And suddenly you see them as they once were
You swap stories
Exchange remembrances
And the years just melt away
Though at times you grasp for names
In the far reaches
Of your cluttered mind
You pour over old albums
Regimental photos
Or company teams
Picking out familiar faces
"His name was Chisholm"
"What was his first name?"
"George?"
"No he played trombone"
"Tom, Tim, no Jim"
You feel pleased with yourself.
Your trepidation at attending long gone
With the pleasure of old friendships revisited
You are glad you made the effort

At reunions and other such gatherings
Amongst the sea of faces
There always appears
As if released from a time capsule
That one person who seems completely unchanged
The “Dorian Gray”
Who makes you feel older than ever
And a little bit envious
But not bitter
You console yourself with the fact
He has a painting of Methuselah in his attic
Plus there was that smug satisfaction you got
When you met the rabble rousers of your youth
That are now the teetotallers
Or those with walking frames
And the special diets

Reunions are more than that though
It’s not just about meeting old friends
Some people you never liked
Some you always avoided
Those are the ones who propel themselves
Excocet like from the throng
And act like your long lost best friend
They are the ones you need rescuing from
That cause time to stand still
They ones that caused your trepidation
Who talks incessantly
About everything
And nothing
The ones that cause you to vow
"This is my last reunion"
Or “Never again”
But because the one annoyance
Is the exception to the rule
When next you're askedYou always relent

Wednesday, 7 October 2009

HALLOWEEN TALES

SEASON OF WITCH

When the werewolf’s howl
And vampires take to the wing
When the witches start to brew
And you hear the banshees sing
When the ghouls are on the move
And the ghosts can all be seen
Then that’s the time you know
That it’s the night of Halloween

A VAMPIRES TALE

When the sun has long set
At dead of night
I rise from my bed
And go out for a bite

Soon I am flying
On my vampire quest
Its fresh young necks
That I like the best

Though I am in no way
A connoisseur
And I would not turn down
Something more mature

Soon I find a subject
Ripe for the picking
And when I’ve supped
My lips I’m licking

Then I return fulfilled
To my dark domain
And sleep the clock around
Until I can sup again

TIS ON THE NIGHT OF HALLOWEEN

Tis on the night of Halloween
When ghosts and ghouls and things obscene
Arrive when our worlds come together unseen
And the souls and demons can pass between

CHRISTMAS HERALD

The Christmas lights are up
The shops play Christmas tunes
The Santas are out in force
In their red and white platoons
Christmas goodies are on display
The best selections ever seen
Which sends the message out
That it’s nearly Halloween

OUR NIGHT OF FIRSTS

I dreamt last night
About our night of firsts
I saw everything with such clarity
Though it was many years ago
All the sights and sounds
The smells and of course touch
It was such a special night
Our night of firsts
Our first date
The first time we held hands
As I walked you home
Along the orchard lane
And then of course
Beneath the cherry tree
Our first kiss
On that late spring evening
When the air was full of perfume
And we heard the birdsong
We gazed into each others eyes
Then our lips touched
And our fate was sealed
For at that moment
On our night of firsts
We fell in love
From that moment on
And all the days of our lives
Our love has lasted
And though I am alone now
And I can only kiss you in my dreams
When my time comes
We will meet again
And walk hand in hand along the orchard lane
And kiss once more
Beneath the cherry tree

BLACKBERRY CAT

You had to go out on such a filthy day
Even though you have a litter tray
I suppose out side there is fun to be had
And you’re still active so I should be glad
But why is it that you deign to re-enter?
Taking a path right across the centre
With half the garden on your paws
Only after I’ve washed all the floors

GIRL ON HORSEBACK

Elegant and beautiful I thought
Admiring the girl on the horse
I couldn’t take my eyes off her
No glance back at me of course

She sits in the saddle quite aloof
A cut above us I’ve been told
A little bit snobby to tell the truth
But she is a beauty to behold

As for the horse she sits upon
A fine thoroughbred steed
A beast like she, looks down its nose
Because like her it’s of noble breed

You expect to be looked down upon
By a girl atop a noble horse
But when on terra firma
I would expect equality of course

But from her five foot one inch stance
She looked down on me once more
Which was quite a feat indeed for her
As I stand tall at six foot four

PC COFFEE TIME

Black coffee
That’s all I crave
Nothing fancy
Just coffee, black
Not latte
Skinny or otherwise
Not espresso
Cappuccino
Mocca
Mocca choca
Macchiato,
Americano
Just coffee, black
But now I’m told
It’s not PC
To order black coffee
Apparently
To be perfectly PC
When ordering black coffee
I must request
Coffee without milk

SHADES OF LOVE

THE LIGHT WENT FROM THE WORLD

The light went from the world
When our love came to an end
I lost everything of worth
My lover, confident and friend

At the moment we discovered
Our love had simply lost its spark
Like the switching of a light switch
My whole world went dark.

PLEASE DON’T LOVE ME

Please don’t love me
Please don’t make me
The object of your affections
Or subject me to your infatuations

Just because I smile at you
And make small talk too
And we have so much in common
Is nothing to pin your hopes upon

Please don’t love me
Please don’t invest your love in me
I’ve been down that road before
I don’t wish to travel it anymore

Every thing is rosy at the start
But too many times love breaks your heart
I will not risk my heart again
So all alone I will remain

So please don’t love me
Friends is all we can ever be
Save your love for the “one”
My dealings with love are over and done

TOO MUCH LOVE

He loves her he says
And he says it often
To elicit a reciprocation
In case her feelings soften

And he does love her
Too much though
Than is really healthy
Soon she will know

For stronger than his love
Growing in intensity
Smoulder the embers
Of his bitter jealousy

She loves him in return
And feels his love
But has not yet felt
The iron fist in the velvet glove

A WORLD OF LOVE

When I walk with you
Through the woods and hills
Just you and I together
The real world disappears
Melts away like a dream
In the cold light of day
That you just can’t quite remember
We avoid the other walkers
Such is our greed for each other
That we jealously guard our company
We are in love
Though we speak of it reluctantly
Lest we break the spell
So we embrace together
In our special world
Cocooned from the real world
By our close proximity
Just you and I
And that is all the world we need

FOR LOVES ADVENTURE

For loves adventure to begin
With life’s journey to share in
Requires only that our souls should meet
And the circle then to be complete
Then with that first sweet embrace
There is nothing ahead we cannot face
For love itself is not the prerequisite
The prize is to keep and treasure it

BEAUTIFUL EYES

Beautiful eyesSo clear and blue
Big eyes,
“All the better to see you”
Eyes, the windows to the soul
What do you see through?

Beautiful eyes
Imperfection free
Big eyes,
“All the better to see me”
What do you see?
When you look through them at me

Beautiful eyes
So honest, so sincere
Big eyes,
“All the better to see clear”
Do they see me with love?
Yes they see with love, my dear?

TAKE A CHANCE ON LOVE

I know it’s difficult to trust again
When deceit is all you’ve known
And lies are all you got to hear
Don’t let it turn your heart to stone

My love for you is boundless
Though the intensity may alter
There will be constancy
My love for you will never falter

Please give me a chance
Put an end to your distress
Take a gamble one last time
The jackpot is your happiness

TWO HEARTS

Two hearts wanting
Standing on the sidelines
Wanting to participate
But fearing heartbreak

Too scared to trust
Past wounds still raw
The wanting so deep
But the spirit to weak

Two hearts wanting
Standing on the shoreline
Wanting to take a swim
But too fearful to dive in

Two hearts wanting
Standing on the sidelines
They will join in, in time
Or they’ll wither on the vine

CONCERNING SPURNING

Since that moment of your spurning
How to live without you I’m learning
But as long as the world keeps turning
And a boomerang keeps returning
All the time the sun keeps on burning
That’s how long I’ll keep on yearning

OUR LOVE IS TOUGH

Our love is tough
Our love is strong
Made in England Apropos
As strong as tungsten steel
It’s as hard as granite rock
It won’t melt away like the April snow
It’s made of sterner stuff
The only thing that will break it
Is if we let it go

I THOUGHT MY HEART WAS BROKEN

I thought my heart was broken
On the day she said goodbye
I loved her so much
I loved her too much
All my friends said
“You’re better off without her”
“Plenty more fish in the sea”
But I wasn’t so sure

I thought my heart was broken
But in the end I was mistaken
Though I felt pain
I don’t want to feel again
My friends were right
I was better off without her
And there were more fish in the sea
Of that I was assured

I thought my heart was broken
On the day she said goodbye
But it was not you see
And if she had not left me
Then my friends, the matchmakers
Would not have trawled the seas
And found the perfect girl for me
My future is now secured

DREAMING OF YOU

Walking alone on a bright summers day
I’m thinking of you though you’re far away
Wishing you were with me neath this sky of blue
In my lovers daydream I’m walking with you
I dream of you every step and every stride
Picturing you with me walking by my side
Soon I won’t have to dream to have you near me
And my phantom lover will have to flee
Your perfume will intoxicate me like wine
Then I will really feel your hand in mine
And then we can fall in love anew
Until then I must keep dreaming of you

IMPRUDENT HEART

She fell in love
Too easily
Too deeply
Too desperately
Her heart was imprudent
Indiscrete, Impulsive
There was always another target
Of her affections
Some would deplore her
Some would ignore her
Some would use her
Some would abuse her
Her heart was always disrespected
Always unappreciated
Her love was always unwanted
And always unrequited
She just wanted to be happy
But each time
She strove for love
It just got further away
She gave her heart
Too readily
Too easily
Too cheaply

I COULD HAVE LIVED A LIFETIME

I could have lived a lifetime
Sailing the seven seas
One moment in the teeth of a gale
Then becalmed for want of a breeze
I could have charted new waters
Or discovered exotic new lands
Or battled cutthroat pirates
With sword and pistol in my hands
I could have lived a life of adventures
Sleeping beneath the stars
Lived by a strict code of honour
While sporting my duelling scars
All this and more I could have been
If I’d lived an adventurous life
But in truth what greater adventure
Than to lay in the arms of my wife

PRETTY ANGEL

How pretty she was
A fact no one denies
With the face of an angel
And sympathetic eyes
Her soft gentle mouth
Its true nature it belies
For beyond the facade
She was the devil in disguise

How deceiving she was
Behind the angels disguise
Hidden beneath a mask
Were calculating eyes
Her soft gentle mouth
Could speak only lies
And beyond the fa├žade
Lay the angels demise

BETRAYAL

In your dark betrayal, you have destroyed
Everything in my life that mattered
What I thought was solid, is now gone
Because of you our love was shattered
Like a thousand mirrored fragments
Each precious memory now scattered
Reflects back all those moments of deceit
My self respect left torn and tattered

LOOKING AFRESH

Looking afresh in the cold light of day
All at once life isn’t as dark as it appears
When first you left me for another
Leaving me alone after so many years
I was deeply hurt, but now I realize
You’re not worth the salt of my tears

RING IN THE WINDOW

In the window he saw the ring
The perfect one, a beautiful thing
The most perfect symbol for her
At its centre a Ceylon sapphire
A gem to beguile and hypnotise
And match the beauty of her eyes
Then to compliment its glow
Around it sits a diamond halo
Light playing on its heavenly guise
Like the sparkling of her eyes
All set in a stylist platinum band
Which he could picture on her hand
And pictured himself on one knee
So he could say “please marry me”

IN SUNSHINE OR IN SHADOW

In sunshine or in shadow
Your love sets me aglow
In perfect calm or raging storm
Your love keeps me warm
In times of drought or flood
Your passion warms my blood
In summer bright or winter dark
You are always in my heart

WE HAD IT ALL

It was here, in our grasp
We could see it, feel it, touch it
Something steadfast and solid
Reassuring and comforting
A constant, a given
Something infinite and immeasurable

We had it all in our hands
A living breathing thing
That we gave life
Our own creation, our new entity
But we let it escape from our grasp
Slowly slipping through our fingers
Though we tried to recapture it
It was illusive, like trying to net smoke
It evaded our efforts

So now it's gone and nothing remains,
Of that entity that was us
Nothing tangible, nothing physical
Only memories remain

NOTHING LASTS FOREVER

Nothing lasts forever
Nothing is that durable
Nothing is built to stand the test of time
No matter how sound the foundation
It will fall apart

Love is among the list of shoddy structures
Love doesn’t last forever
Even though we wish it would
And we can make the case why it should
And list the justification
“Because I need you”
“I feel so lost without you”
“I don't want to be alone”
No one is listening
There is no ombudsman
To hear your grievance and arbitrate
You have loved and lost

But knowing it won’t last forever
Doesn’t soften the blow
When it comes to an end
It still hurts like hell
And the pain seems to last forever

I'VE ALWAYS LOVED IT AT THE SEASIDE

I've always loved it at the seaside
But I don’t like dirty postcards
I don’t like kiss me quick hats
Or ice creams on the promenades

I don’t like the sand in the picnic
Or the feel of dry salt on my skin
I don’t like the smell of the seaweeds
Or the sound of seagulls screaming

I don’t like the amusement arcades
And I don’t like the movement of the tide
I don’t like to sit in the deckchairs
I've always loved it at the seaside

I LOVE IT AT THE SEASIDE

I love it at the seaside out of season
When the bathers are not there
The beaches are no longer sun kissed
The sands are empty and bare

I love it at the seaside
On a bright sunny winters day
When you can stroll along
With out people getting in the way

You pick your way along the shore
Picking up driftwood and shells
Skim stones across the water
Without soliciting angry yells

I love it at the seaside
The deck chairs are all stored away
On the sea front all is quiet
And the car park is free all day

I love it at the seaside
The shops are shut and battened down
All the amusement arcades are shut
But not the Rose and Crown

NATURE POEMS

MISTY MORNING

The early morning sunlight
Creeps across the meadow,
Where in the wet grass
The rabbits make their dawn patrol

In the meadows quiet corners
The sun glints on dewdrops
Trapped within the intricacies
Of a labyrinthine spiders web

Though the morning sun is weak
And too soft to burn the mist
It still banishes the darkness
And another day begins

ON SUN SCORCHED SAND

Beneath my shoeless feet
The sun scorched sand
Burned those who dwelt too long
In admiration of the vista
Beneath the swaying fronts
In the shadow of the palms
The white sands
Offered cool respite
I rested a while
Before I journeyed
Across the sun baked sand
To become immersed
In the cool of the ocean

SQUALL

The grey skies are stormy and wild,Strong winds gust and batter the land,
Rain carried by the squall
Peppers the windows like gravel
And stings the faces of the unfortunate traveller
God protect those caught abroad
On such a foul day as this
The winds whistle round the buildings
And make rag dolls of the trees
Being inside looking out is preferable
Warming by the fire with glass in hand
Loved ones safe about you
Ride out the storm in comfort
Until the stormy gales subside

SUNFLOWERS

They bloom in summertime
Blooms of golden orange
Heads the size of saucers
Unnaturally strange
They stand tall and straight
And super model thin
Large headed and skinny
Just like models again
Not grown for beauty
But for their numerous seeds
Ugly and ungainly
These giant unwanted weeds
Maybe I’m wrong to view them
As one of natures messes
But I can’t help thinking
They’re not one of God’s successes

BEASTS OF THE AGE

Where once was beauty
Now stand the monsters
Towering tall and lean
Arms stretching outwards

These beasts have spread
Across the land and sea
Like a virulent rash
Reaching out to infinity

The towering beasts
Came here to save us
Cleanly making power
Without dirty green house gas

They stand as sentinels
Unsightly and offensive to the eye
Come to save the world
With their clean power supply

In light offshore breezes
Windmill arms turn slowly
It’s a shame they can’t work
When it gets a bit blowy

HANDBAGS AND GLADRAGS

Alligators and Crocodiles
Swam the murky waters
Unchanged in their ancestry
And in their sons and daughters

Oh how time had left them
As the world kept spinning
Swimming the murky waters
Since the worlds beginning

Until they then fell foul
Of fashion entrepreneurs
Valuing them for their skins
For devotees of couture

JAMBOREE BAG

EUTOPIA (HAIKU)

Darling buds of May,
appearing in endless dreams
of bountiful days

POETS OF YORE

Great poets, wordsmiths of yore
Prose and rhyme did write
Of matters that went before
Viewing them in poetic light

ALL ENCOMPASSING

A compass point
Will show due north
And knowing where north resides
Lets you find your way
To all points due
This differs greatly
From a moral compass point
Which only has one position
And always points you to
“Do the right thing”

THE SAINTS AND THE ANGELS

The Saints and the Angels
Watch over us all the year round
You never know they are there
For they never make a sound

But they are there nonetheless
Watching over us everyday
And they are there to listen
When you have a need to pray

And should some weary soul
Let slip their earthly bonds
They have angelic company
On their way to the great beyond

AM I BOVVERED

She drove in the exit as I drove out
And I hit her car with a mighty clout
With a chorus of colourful language
She got out to inspect the damage
Her hair was pulled back from her face
Eyes bulging as if sprayed with mace
Skin tighter than the string of a bow
As if she’d had her head out the window
I wasn’t sure if she was injured or ok
Or if her face always looked that way
I inquired if she was injured or hurt
Her response was certainly quite curt
Then I pointed out she was at fault
And she reared up like an angry colt
We exchange details insurance and such
And got in my car and wished her luck
I pointed out her horse like behaviour
And the extent of her driving failure
She was a very long way past miffed
The angry girl with the Croydon facelift

THE YOUTH OF TODAY

Whether Right or wrong
Or for good or badThey all do it, Girl and boy
Or laddette and lad
Lads swear like troupers
Loud and loutish
Girls swear like fishwives
Drinking to excess
So lacking in respect
For themselves and for others
Morals like alley cats
That would shame their mothers

WHEN I WAS A KID

When I was a kid
Life was simpler than it is today
We chose our friends
Based on the things we liked to play
When I was a kid
And we Choose teams in the school yard
If you didn’t get picked
No one thought to play the race card
When I was a kid
Race creed and colour were meaningless
The only “Race issue"
Was arguing about who ran the fastest

POSITIVE DISCRIMINATION

It’s about time we realised
Discrimination is futile
Between black and white
Muslim, Jew and gentile
The old and the young
The homeless and the cherished
The left and the right
The perfect and the blemished
Atheists and believers
The contented and the whinger
Able bodied and disabled
Brunette blonde and ginger
The east and the west
From Asian Orientals
Continent against continent
To European Occidentals
The happy and the sad
The skinny and the stout
The stable and the mad
The in and the out
The north and the south
The Oxbridge and the common
The straight and the gay
Man versus woman
At the end of the day
Nature will discriminate
And will eliminate
Those perpetrators of hate
The senseless bigots
And the world will be rid
As nature will choose
Between the smart and the stupid

LIBERALS

Don’t you just love the liberal crew
So called because of their liberal views
But when you examine their reasoning
Their liberality is merely posturing
Charles Kennedy was deposed of course
Because he was too fond of the sauce
Jeremy Thorpe had to go way back when
Because of his fondness for young men
While Menzies Campbell was told
He had to go because he was just too old
The party so proud of their liberal principals
Are in reality not that liberal at all

TWENTY SOMETHING, SWEET YOUNG THING

Twenty something
Sweet young thing
You smile at me each day
“Hello” or “Hi” you might say
The carriage rattles along
Rushing us towards the throng
The train wheels sing a song
And I picture you in a thong
You look up from you book
And give me a quizzical look
Can you read my thoughts?
I’d better think about sports
No, no that doesn’t help at all
Now you’re playing beach volley ball
Twenty something
Sweet young thing
Looking at me quizzically
This is the affect you have on me
Better not read my mind?
You don’t know what you’ll find
In my head I often caress
The soft curves of your tender flesh
As I divest you of your attire
And satisfy my every carnal desire
A smile replaces your quizzical look
Before your eyes return to your book
I must not have these thoughts again
When we are together on the train
Twenty something
Sweet young thing

IF YOU ONLY KNEW

Twenty one today, the birthday girl
Blushing beauty beneath soft curls
You are the most beautiful creature
With such a delightful nature
You smile and it lights up your face
And I look at your breasts to my disgrace
You would not smile at me so sweetly
If you knew I wanted you completely
Oh beautiful creature demurely dressed
How I yearn for you to divest
If you could read my lustful mind
Such filthy thoughts there you would find
Is your nature as innocent as it seems
Or are you as dirty as in my dreams
If you knew of the one I dreamed last night
Of how you succumbed without a fight
I kissed and caressed the breast I cupped
And of your sweet nectar I greedily supped
Then like beasts we met in congress
But it was only a dream I must confess
Oh pretty thing with sumptuous figure
Let me consume you in my vigour
Oh pretty young lady, half my age
Release my passion from its cage

HOLOCAUST

Since the cooling of the Nazi’s oven fires
And the fading glow of the funeral pyres
The world has had to endure the mutterings
Of those who deny the holocausts sufferings
The inane ramblings of conspiracy theorists
The bigoted bile of Islamic fundamentalists
The holocaust now stricken from the syllabus
We must not speak of it lest we cause a fuss
We must appease the liberal sentiments
For God forbid we might cause offence
But the holocaust happened, SHOUT it aloud
Shout it in the face of the apathetic crowd
For if we do not condemn the holocaust deniers
Somewhere, one day they will relight the fires

MILITARY MIX

THE TREATY

The eleventh hour
The T’s were crossed
And the I’s were dotted
The eleventh day
Books were balanced
Of the butchers tally
The eleventh month
Seeds were sown
For the Second World War
By the French at Versailles

SAVIORS

When soldiers stand neath flags unfurled
Before going to war to do the biz
Be sure before they’re sent to save the world
They re happy with the world the way it is

SHIP RAGE

The silence of a foggy night in the fall
Was shattered suddenly by a radio call
“Unknown vessel divert your course please
And steer to the north by fifteen degrees
Recommend you make this correction
That we might avoid a head on collision”
The reply came “Divert YOUR course please
And steer to the south by fifteen degrees
Recommend you make this correction
That we might avoid a head on collision”
“This is the Captain of the USS Codfish
I say again, divert YOUR course forthwith”
The Reply came back “No, I say again
You must divert you course you cant remain”
This is the USS Codfish not a garbage scow
We’re a large warship divert your course now!“
I don’t care whether you are large or small”
“This is a lighthouse” Said the reply “your call”

BANG YOUR DEAD

A nuclear war, can they say
Ruin your whole bloody day
For in any atomic hostility
All men are cremated equally

HERE ENDETH THE FIRST LESSON

I think war is probably God's way
Of teaching us all a lesson I’d say
But it won’t be a lesson in theology
Its more likely a to be in geography

THE MILITARY WAY

The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it
Having someone take a shot at you, and miss is the most satisfying feeling
Every retreat is a tactical withdrawal
Make sure you are not conspicuous in the combat zone it draws fire
Incoming fire has the right of way
Learn never to volunteer for anything
If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush
The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions
Accurate incoming enemy fire is only surpassed by incoming friendly fire
Remember friendly fire ain't
You know the quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small
When you can be seen by your sergeant you, can be seen by the enemy
Any time you are in advance of your own positions, the artillery will fall short
You know that no battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy

DEGREES OF HUMOUR

TERMINAL CONCEIT

Do you hold yourself in high esteem?
Are you the answer to your dreams?
Then you probably go through life, like as not
Thinking you are slicker than snot
Served hot on a silver platter
You really think that you actually matter
While in truth you’re likened to a cold bogey
Dried out, smeared and unsightly
Stuck to a “pound shop” paper plate
This is a truer reflection of your state
So take heed of this little ditty
And learn a little humility

NATURAL JUSTICE

Natural justice for those deserving
Needs applying
So the man who invented Fucking
Needs decorating
And the man who invented decorating
Needs fucking

FILTHY RICH

Life can really be
An awful bitch
Which is why, on balance
I would prefer to be rich
There are some people
Those lucky dogs and bitches
Who though little effort
Amass immense riches
In numbered accounts
Their balances healthy
And they find themselves
So incredibly wealthy
That they lose all respect
For simple humanity
And that's the kind of rich
That I want to be.

SMALL BEER

When I first met my lady
All was well with life
But she soon tried to change me
Once she became my wife

She told me I must save money
And my drinking days were over
But she would still go out
Spending a mint on a make over

I complained about giving up beer
While she wasted cash so readily
She said she spent the money
In order to look pretty for me

I said that before I gave it up
That was what the beer was for
Somehow I don’t think she’ll return
By the way she slammed the door

BE ALERT

On public transport
You are reminded constantly
To be alert and vigilant
And report suspicious things you see

But if I saw something
That might be construed suspicious
I wouldn’t know what I’d do
As I don’t like to make a fuss

But what constitutes suspicious
Is it unattended packages
Or people behaving furtively
Or just hanging around for ages

Traveling home late on the train
One night before Christmas
I saw several women dressed as schoolgirls
Should I report that as suspicious?

GET YOUR DANDER UP

When some one annoys you
And you want to have a go
When your hackles go up
Firstly count to ten or so

But if they get under your skin
And you want to let rip
And you feel your temples throb
Firstly just bite your lip

But if all else has failed
And you do lose your temper
Keep your words soft and sweet
In case you have to eat them later

JIM PANSY

Tim can see,
Jim Pansy,
Gym handy
Limbs bandy
Tim can see,
Jim Pansy,
A chimpanzee

SENIOR MOMENTS

OVER THE HILL

As a young man in the full flower of youth
I had more than my fair share of adventures
Now the best I can manage, to tell the truth
Is staring at the glass that holds me dentures

STROKE OF LUCK

Three old ladies were sitting in the park
When a flasher came walking by
This caused Ada to have a stroke
But the other two were just too shy

50 SOMETHING

So you’re 50 something
No need to feel so glum
True you’re no spring chicken
And you’re the mom of a mom
You’re nearer the next milestone
Than you are the last one
But don’t fret about the numbers
Celebrate each day with aplomb
You truly are now a “WOW”
A “wiser older woman”
See the positive in the situation
Try to hold onto that if you can
Don’t think of the loss of youth
Focus on the gaining of wisdom
And if you believe all this rubbish
Then you really are undone

ASK A STUPID QUESTION

A local reporter
Asks an old lady at her leisure
“What part of being 104
Gives you most pleasure”?
She simply replied to him
"No peer pressure"

SPORTING MOMENTS

A GOOD SPORT

If you are thinking of taking up a sport
Then here’s a thought
If you are going to try cross-country skiing
This is what I’m thinking
Make sure you are well equipped to ski
And start with a small country

DASH IT ALL

They called it the dash
Way back in the day
A short word for a short race
Dash was the right word to say
Now they call it the sprint
Like its something elite
It’s still just a short race
That’s been hijacked by the Effete

WOKINGS WOES

After a dismal start to the season
Woking are slowest out the blocks
With two points from seven games
The crowd are angry to their socks
They have singled out a scapegoat
A target for their jeers and mocks
and they call the new striker “jigsaw”
Because he goes to pieces in the box

ANYONE FOR TENNIS # 1

For Henman fans Andy Murray
Doesn’t do it for them
And for his on court aggression
They criticize him
But if you remove his aggression
You’re left with Tim

ANYONE FOR TENNIS = 2

If Andy Murray wins Wimbledon
He will be called a super brit
But if he fails like those before
He will be that dour Scottish git

PUT DOWNS AND PICKUPS

PUT DOWN # 25

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“How would you like your eggs in the morning”?
He might say to you
So just reply to him
“Unfertilized will do”

PUT DOWN # 26

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says to you
“What’s going on in that pretty little head honey?”
Just reply to him
“I'm trying to imagine you with a personality”

PICKUP # 1

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Like “I'm ready for some FUN,
I hope you are too
I already have the F and the N,
Now all I need is U”

PUT DOWN # 27

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he should say to you
“I could do things to you that you wouldn’t believe”
Simply reply to him
“Really? If I throw a stick, will you leave?'

PICKUP # 2

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
“Winning the Lotto jackpot”
You might start
“Is quite meaningless if you’re single
And have a weak heart!'

PUT DOWN # 28

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he uses the line
“Have you heard we’ve been brought together by cupid”
So just reply to him
"I like you, you remind me of when I was young and stupid."

PUT DOWN # 29

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
"Let's go back to my place!"
Would be a line well known
So just reply to him
"I don't think we'll both fit under that stone!"

PICKUP # 3

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
“Let me introduce myself”
You can say to her
“You don’t look like the kind of girl
Who’ll sleep with a stranger”

PUT DOWN # 30

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
When he sidles up to you with his pick up line
Before he has chance to deliver it
Just say to him
"Nice cologne, but did you have to marinate in it?"