SHARING
We shared an umbrella when we first met
When caught in an April shower
We shared our first kiss
One night in the wee small hours
We shared a passionate embrace
And made love in culmination
Then we shared a secret
After we caught an unpleasant infection
THE IT GIRL
I had a first date with a girl
From the I.T. suite
Who for a computer nerd
Is really very sweet
It was a disaster
Not quite but almost complete
I wish that I could have hit
Ctrl Alt Delete
COMFORT EATER
Through a total lack of self esteem
I eat too much to ease my despair
And food has now replaced sex for me
So I can't even get into my own underwear
PAM AND SUE (sisters rewrite)
I’ve met strange girls
In this life of mine
When seeking company
From time to time
Strange like the sisters
That once I knew
Two sisters known
As Pam and Sue
Now Pam was the oldest
As a matter of fact
And she had blonde hair
Right down her back
That sounds all right
You would have said
But it grew down her back
And not on her head
Now Sue was the younger
It has to be said
And she wasn’t blonde
She was a red head
And when I saw her
I was filled with dread
She had no hair
Just a very red head
I’ve met strange girls
In this life of mine
When seeking company
From time to time
But none since the sisters
That once I knew
Who went by the names
Of Pam and Sue
THE MARITAL PROCESS
I think that marriage
Is not as the bible may suggest
For adults to produce children
Through marital congress
But rather the opposite is true
If I might hazard my guess
It is for children to produce adults
At the end of the marital process
CUPID FIRED
I’ve waited for my valentine
For such a long lonely time
I have waited for years
For him to end all my tears
I’ve waited for cupid to start
And shoot his arrow at a heart
The piercing of my valentine
That would then make him mine
And I hoped and I prayed
For a valentines loving serenade
But I never ever got one
So I shot cupid with a gun
You may think my actions hard
But he did nothing in my regard
And when apology remained unsaid
I shot cupid in the head
LOVE IS CONTAGIOUS
Love is like a bad winter cold
It strikes at the young and the old
It’s not something for which they can inoculate
There is no cure for those who participate
So even if you feel like you have the flu
Love is just something you must go through
BLOCKED VALVE
I have some information to impart
Why it is that men snore
When they lie on their backs
Is the time they do it more
It’s a simple case of physics
Because their dangly bits of genitalia
Hang down to block their anal orifice
Which in turn causes apnea
DIPPED OUT
In the dim and distant past
When I was young and free
Going about running and skipping
And we’d all go “skinny dipping”
Now the years have rushed past
And have taken there toll
I hobble, shuffling and clunking
And in the pool I go “chunky dunking”
SPREADAGE
There is a natural law of perversity
You cannot no matter the necessity
Determine in anyway successfully
Beforehand or ahead
Which side of the bread
To be buttered or spread
HAPPY BIRTHDAY’S
Another birthday has arrived
Happy birthday we all shout
The cake is a mass of candles
A milestone year without doubt
Just be sure you wish for strength
To blow all the candles out
WEDDING SUPER
Well congratulations are in order
Two super heroes have tied the knot
The Invisible Man has just got married
To the Invisible Woman and why not
But I would offer to the happy couple
This note of caution, I would suggest
They avoid at all costs having a brat
Because it will be nothing to look at
BACHELOR BOY
A bachelor is so defined
As a man who doesn’t marry
When he is perfectly able
And as a result bachelorhood
They miss the perfect opportunity
To make a woman’s life miserable
MEN ARE ALL THE SAME
Men are all the same
Let’s say that from the start
They have different faces
But only to tell them apart
like distinguishing marks
And another alarming fact
Is, all men are created equal
How sad is that?
WOW FACTOR
When looking for a partner
Be a little smart
And pay attention to this wisdom
I wish to impart
Good looks will catch their eye
Which is a good start
But it takes a good personality
To catch their heart
HONEYMOON ADVICE
On your wedding night
And you are nervous
And full of trepidations
Don’t sit up all night
Awaiting the arrival
Of your sexual relations
SUCCESSFUL
A successful man is one who makes
More money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can
Find such a husband to apprehend
THE PARADOX OF MARRIAGE
When a woman decides
To play the marriage game
She expects her spouse to change
But alas he stays the same
When a man decides
To play the marriage game
His spouse in fact changes
When he expects her to stay the same
DRINK TO MY HEALTH
I was out for a walk
Just round and about
When I saw in a doorway
An old down and out
Drinking brake fluid
From an old tin cup
I stood for a moment
And watched him sup
“If that stuff kills you
That would be a crime”
“Don’t worry” said he
“I can stop anytime”
SLEEPING BEAUTIES
Men wake up looking pretty much as they did
The night before when they went to bed
While women wake up looking an awful fright
Because they manage to deteriorated during the night
WHAT'S LONG AND HARD
What's long and hard and makes women moan?
I think that is universally known
Let us all shout out the answer in accord
The answer has to be an ironing board
ACUMEN AND WOMEN
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item
But only when it’s something he needs
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item
Because it’s on sale and not out of need
ARGUMENTATIVE
The unwritten law states that a woman
Has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man may say after that
Is the beginning of a new argument
FUTURE
Until she gets a husband
A woman worries about her future life
But a man never worries about the future
Until he gets a wife
KISS OF DEATH
A man who, for twenty years
Hasn’t kissed his wife
Seeing another kiss her
Is moved to take that mans life
A WORD OF WARNING
A word of warning, a word to the wise
Don’t be one of that ilk of women
Who get all exited about nothing
Because you’ll end up marrying them
I FORGET TO EAT
There was a rather vacuous
Skinny girl who irritated me
“Sometimes I forget to eat”
The silly girl said to me
Now I’ve forgotten things
Where I parked the car
My mother's maiden name
Keys for the house and the car
And once even where I lived
But I’ve never forgotten to eat
I’ve been too busy or too tired
But not so stupid I forgot to eat
SIGNS OF STRESS
Do you eat too much?
Is the answer yes?
Are you impulse buyer?
Is that another yes?
And are you a fast driver too?
These are all signs of stress
Now if you’re not worried
Then you’re not suffering from stress
Eating, shopping and fast driving
Make a perfect day for you I guess
OUT LIKE A LIGHT
I can remember like yesterday
So fearful of the dark night
My boy wouldn’t sleep a wink
Without the comfort of a light
Now he’s a teenage boy
He’s fearless and stays out all night
MONEY CAN'T BUY HAPPINESS
Money can't buy happiness
That is almost definitely so
But it’s more comfortable to cry
In a mansion than a bungalow
SENIOR JOINTS
If after the age of sixty years
I think this is safely said
And you don't wake up aching in every joint
You are almost certainly dead
USE AS DIRECTED
If you should confuse your valium
With your birth control pills, beware
You’ll end up with sixteen kids
But I don’t suppose you’ll care
SENIOR HIGH
I haven’t felt myself lately
The symptoms seldom vary
Lethargy, listlessness and apathy
And if I stand up quick, I go dizzy
My son said as a matter of fact
He has to smoke two joints to feel like that
MONEY CAN’T BUY EVERYTHING
Money can’t buy happiness
Money can’t buy health
Money can’t buy love
There’s more to life than wealth
Money will buy you a dog
A fine dog without fail
But only with your kindness
Will the dog wag his tail
ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL
One in five bad accidents
Are caused it seems
By drivers who drift off
To the land of dreams
But drivers who fall
Asleep at the wheel
Are the lesser evil
I’m inclined to feel
Because the simple fact
That makes me quake
Is that four out of five
Are wide awake
MISTAKES
Don’t be afraid of making mistakes
I was taught as a kid
As long as you learn something
From the things you did
I have learnt a lot about mistakes
And now I’m in my prime
I find some mistakes are too much fun
To only make one time
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