Friday, 18 December 2009

DO YOU KNOW THIS MAN?

What would you call a man?
With a big belly and no dress sense
Who never replies to your letters
A man that’s too lazy to shave
And is obsessed with stockings,
Who can only be relied upon for one day a year
Will never stop to ask for directions
A man who only owns one suit
Never gets you the present you asked for
And needs to be rewarded with food and drink
Oh and always leaves the dirty dishes
Well what do you think? Could be any man alive eh?
So what would you call this man?
I would call him Santa

Thursday, 17 December 2009

TIGER, TIGER – CHOICES

Tiger Woods was undecided,
Iron or wood that was the quandary
Eventually he settled on
A Fire hydrant followed by a tree

TIGER, TIGER - OUT AND ABOUT

Elin was asked what she and Tiger were doing
Out and about in the early hours of the morning
She said she couldn’t answer for Tiger
But for herself she was out clubbing

TIGER, TIGER - SHORT YARDAGE

Tiger can drive a golf ball
400 yards, effortlessly
But can only drive a car
Little more than three

WE’LL ALL BE KILLED

They tell us we are in the grip of another
Catastrophic climate crisis
That will drown the world
By melting the polar ices
Well if you are unconvinced
That the sword of doom is falling
Then you know the argument is weak
When data is replaced by name calling
Anyone not on message
Gordon Brown tells us in his piety
That we are no better
That the flat earth society
Well is it any wonder we are sceptics
When in the eighties we were told
By the doom Sayers
We would all die because of the hole
In the ozone layer
If we did not act we would kill
The polar bears and the Pandas
Well to be frank someone sold a lot of fridges
On the back of that propaganda

TIGER, TIGER – TRAPPINGS

Being on the top of his sport
Tiger Woods is wealthy,
And he enjoys the trappings
Of being financially healthy
He has bought luxury cars
With what he has won
Once all in pristine condition
But now has a hole-in-one.

SODS LAW

Sods law has been proven
Without any doubt
For as the law was being written
The pen ran out

TIGER, TIGER – STROKE PLAY

Elin Woods admitted
Assaulting Tiger
“How many times”?
The police asked her
She thought for a moment
"I’m not sure exactly”
Then with a nod she said
“Mark me down for a three”

ORIGAMI CLUB

When I was at Uni
I joined an origami club
It was only small
And we met at the local pub
But it didn’t last long
If truth be told
The membership dwindled
And it had to fold

TIGER, TIGER – TIPS AND POINTERS

Elin’s phone hasn’t stopped
Since the tale hit the papers
Every golfer in the world
Wants to speak to her
To get some pointersOn how to beat Tiger

FEVERISH AGAIN AND AGAIN

That medical catastrophe
The flu pandemic
Is not as bad as expected
It’s not even an epidemic
A large number of reported cases
On closer examination
Were found to have been
Preceded by intoxication
This is a totally different strain
Of contagious flu
Which the W.H.O.
Has been renamed wine flu

TIGER, TIGER – MUTUAL APPRECIATION CLUB

Tiger should now have
Sympathy for baby seals
With first hand knowledge
Of how they feel
As Tiger and the baby seal
Have in common
That they’ve both been clubbed
By a Scandinavian

FEVERISH YET AGAIN

That medical catastrophe
The flu pandemic
Is not as bad as expected
It’s not even an epidemic
A large number of reported cases
Turned out to be MAN flu
Which the W.H.O.
Has been renamed whine flu

TIGER, TIGER – THE TIGER

Tiger, Tiger, what a plight
Laying prone out like a light
What mortal hand blacked your eye?
And left you staring at the sky

What greater wounds would be
On your bruised and battered body
If your wife had on reflection
Thought carefully about her club selection

WHAT A LOAD OF BANKERS

Bonuses are a reward for a job well done
In short they have to be earned
But you gave yourselves bonuses
While you were fucking up the world
You even gave yourselves bonuses
When we all knew you’d fucked up the world
And you gave yourselves bonuses
While we bailed you out from your fuck ups
And now you are rewarding yourselves again
But not for a job well done
Now you’re giving yourselves bonuses
Simply for not fucking up

BRITISH AIRWAYS AND THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

On the first day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
An apology from Willie

On the second day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie

On the third day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie

On the fourth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie

On the fifth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie

On the sixth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie

On the seventh day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Seven check in closures
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie

On the eighth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Eight curt responses
Seven check in closures
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie

On the ninth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Nine empty gestures
Eight curt responses
Seven check in closures
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie

On the tenth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Ten more cancellation
Nine empty gestures
Eight curt responses
Seven check in closures
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie

On the eleventh day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Eleven false alarms
Ten more cancellation
Nine empty gestures
Eight curt responses
Seven check in closures
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie

On the twelfth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Twelve days of hell
Eleven false alarms
Ten more cancellation
Nine empty gestures
Eight curt responses
Seven check in closures
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie

Thursday, 10 December 2009

FEVERISH AGAIN

I am suffering from gammon flu
It’s not particularly nasty
I was suffering from swine flu
But then they cured me

CHRISTMAS DAY IN THE WORKHOUSE # 2

It’s Christmas day in the workhouse
In a typical parish establishment
Full of the inebriated and the loose
She we should have a Christmas goose

TWO THOUSAND YEARS HAVE PASSED

Two thousand years have passed
Since you died on that cross of pain
Dying for our salvation
Which began your holy reign

Two thousand years have passed
And when Christmas comes again
We will celebrate the day of you birth
Which began your holy reign

CHRISTMAS PASSED

I miss my dad, I miss my mum
And my brother now he’s gone
But though we are forever apart
They live on still in my heart
Through every special memory
Of the time they shared with me
So although they have gone away
They will be with me on Christmas day

BRIGHTEST TIME

At Christmas time
There is only one thing
Brighter than the Christmas lights
And that is the magical look
On a child’s face
Full of wonder and delight

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 7

Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the Hotel
There were creatures emitting a terrible smell
And the cause of the awful pungent aroma
Was an octogenarian party from Cromer

MY FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS GIFT

My favourite Christmas gift
Costs nothing it’s free
It’s the overflowing gift of joy
I get from my family

TREE OF LIFE

Proudly standing there
In the town’s main square
The Christmas tree stands tall
Admired by one and all
Decked with coloured lights
Of red and green and blue and white
And every kind of coloured bauble
Short and long, large and small
Candy canes and bows adorn it
And myriad forms of other trinkets
This wonder easily catches the eye
Of every busy passer by
Who simply marvel at the sight
With open mouthed delight
Who before they continue on their way
Have to wipe a tear away
But it’s not the tree reaching to the sky
That brings a tear to the eye
But the parcels of every shape and size
A festive feast for weary eyes
A testament to people’s generosity
Sitting beneath this wondrous tree
Such a generous response to the endeavour
Thank God for those who know the answer
When want and need begs the question
Praise be to those who never forget
With hearts so full of Christmas spirit

BUMPER CHRISTMAS

All the sights and sounds
And all the tastes and smells
Make me love Christmas

All the carollers singing
And all the lights twinkling
Make me love Christmas

But there is one thing
More than any other
That makes me love Christmas

The bumper Radio Times
First going on sale
That makes me love Christmas

NORWEGIAN GIFT

A gift arrives each year
From across the sea
A gift from the people of Oslo
An annual gift of a Christmas tree

Given with gratitude
To stand in Trafalgar square
Received with pride
By those of us who care

A symbol of friendship
Given to us each Christmas
A token as a gift of thanks
Sent from Norway for us

SANTA’S LITTLE HELPER

I’ve bought a special gift
For my Christmas honey
It’s a “Santa’s little helper” outfit
And it’s bloody horny
Its red velour with white fur trim
And matching lingerie
It’s figure hugging short and tight
And shows all you’d want to see
I’ve always liked sexy outfits
And this is the best I’ve seen
I’m sure that she will like it
Especially as it wipes clean

CHRISTMAS IS A FUNNY TIME OF YEAR

Christmas is a funny time of year
At no other time of year are the shops full to overflowing
With people who clearly don’t want to be there
Spending money they don’t have
On things the recipients of them won’t like
You send cards to people you haven’t seen for years
And you get cards from people you’ve never heard of
You spend the day itself
Amidst the people you’ve managed to avoid all year
You have to kiss relatives you never knew you had
Who keep farting and blaming it on the dog
You dine on roast Turkey
Which no one lists as their favourite meat
And you have to sit at the table wearing silly paper hats
When for the rest of the year you mustn’t wear a hat at the table
You eat Christmas pudding and mince pies
That give everyone heartburn
Then you all sit around a dead tree
Pretending to like the presents you open
You eat sweets and nuts that you took out of a sock
While you watch the Queens speech
Then you play parlour games suggested by someone
Who claims in their day “they had to make their own entertainment”
Who then falls asleep in his chair
But despite all of this I still love it

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Memories of Christmas past
Etched deep within
Remembered fondly
Remembered joyfully
Youthful memories

Christmas lights
Holly wreaths
Ringing bells
Icing the cake
Singing carols
Trimming the tree
Mistletoe for kissing mum
All done with love
Special Christmas’s with mum and dad

BE ON YOUR GUARD

Be on your guard
Wherever you go
Tread very carefully
You could even tip toe
But if you don’t take heed
And don’t watch where you go
You may get caught
Beneath the mistletoe

COUNT ON IT

If you are constantly worrying
About over indulging
During the festive season
Then there really is no reason
It is a well known fact you see
That you can fully enjoy the festivities
And relax and not stress or fuss
Because calories don't count at Christmas

IFS AND BUTS

If ifs, and buts and maybes
Were chocs and nuts and candies
Then you would have to concede
You’d have a wonderful Christmas indeed

CHRISTMAS DAYS

Christmas days
Holidays
Spiritual and Holy days
Christmas days
Holidays
Mistletoe and holly days
Christmas days
Holidays
Candy canes and lolly days
Christmas days
Holidays
Spiritual and Holy days
Christmas days
Holidays
Jovial and Jolly days

WATCH OUT

Watch out, watch out
There’s a lech about
He’s stalked you all year long
Amidst the office throng
Watch out for Mr. Ross
Your lecherous boss
Who’s been waiting all year long
With a desire so strong
Watch out, watch out
There’s a lech about
Who wants to hold you in embrace
And kiss your pretty face
Watch out for Mr. Ross
Your lecherous boss
As he looks at you all agog
Intent upon a snog
So when old Mr. Ross
Your lecherous boss
Grabs you under the mistletoe
Just tell him where to go

I COULD BE YOUR CHRISTMAS TREE

I could be your Christmas tree,
Strung with tinsel and lit, brightly
You can trim me with ribbons and bows
Baubles and bells anything goes
I shall be greeted with gasps and wows
And you can hide gifts beneath my boughs
You wont regret it if you buy me
So let me be your Christmas tree

HE SLEEPS A KINGLY SLEEP

Oh prince of peace
Humbly lain on hay
Born to the world
On this special day

Shepherds, beasts
And kings of earth
Pay homage
At the saviours birth

While the Christ child
With angelic face
Sleeps a kingly sleep
In this humble place

CHRISTMAS FOLLY

Merriment abounds
And music fills the air
And in the cosy room
I’d hoped to see you there

Friends and loved ones
Surround me, old and new
I wished that one of them
Might have been you

Outside its cold
On this Christmas Eve
When the party's over
I won’t want to leave

But I will head home
Trudging through the snow
And in my loneliness
I’ll wonder how I let you go

ITS CHRISTMAS WHEN

Its Christmas when
Outside its cold and snowing
But away from the cold
Malls are full to overflowing
And all the children’s faces
Are happy and glowing

ITS CHRISTMAS when
Noddy Holder screams
Its Christmas when
Its time to fulfil dreams
When life just may be
As wonderful as it seems

Its Christmas when
All the gifts are picked
The cards are written
The stamps are licked
And all the Christmas lists
Have all been neatly ticked

Its Christmas when
All are safely home within
Everything has been prepared
The kiddies are all tucked in
Then mums and dads sit back
And festivities can begin

CHRISTMAS, CHRISTMAS

Christmas, Christmas,
A time of peace and joy
When God gave us his son
Jesus the holy infant boy
But kids don’t think of Jesus
They just want the latest toy

Christmas, Christmas,
When God gave us a saviour
A redeemer for all the world
Now it is the season of plethora
When the rich can feel richer
And the poor just feel the poorer

Christmas, Christmas,
God was your sacrifice in vain
When you gave the world your son
Only to see his body slain
If only we had not lost our way
Will we be better when he comes again?

ON THE EVE

A hearty Christmas greeting
Merry Christmas to one and all
Tonight excitement fills the air
The night Santa comes to call
With gifts galore for everyone
To be piled high beneath the tree
Christmas Eve anticipation never fails
To fills our hearts with glee

SILVER STRANDS

It sparkles there for all to see
Threaded round the Christmas tree
Silver tinsel shinning bright
Silver strands of Christian light
It shines and sparkles as a symbol
Of the love Christ has for us all
A strand of love, looped and curled
Threaded all around the world
And when you look at a Christmas tree
Silver strands of love you’ll see

MELCHIOR, CASPAR AND BALTHAZAR

Three kings from the east
Melchior, Caspar and Balthazar
Enlightened kings of wisdom
On their great quest travelled far
Three wise men from the east
Who followed a bright star
Three kings bearing gifts
Gold, frankincense and myrrh
Three kings from the east
Melchior, Caspar and Balthazar
Three kings of great wealth
Bowed low before the saviour

CHUCKLING WITH DELIGHT

Chuckling with delight
At the twinkling tree lights
You giggle and smile
And yet all the while
You really don’t know
Why your sweet face is aglow
And you gurgle excitedly
At everything you see
It’s a very special time
When Christmas bells chime
And Santa’s on his way
With presents on his sleigh
For every little lad and lass
To have a special Christmas
But for you my darling one
Just enjoying all the fun
Chuckling with delight
At the twinkling tree lights
When Santa comes this way
It’s for your first Christmas Day

CHRISTMAS BABY

Oh how fondly we both remember
That most special time in December
The first Christmas for our little boy
Our new born precious bundle of joy
The most special gift sent from above
Sent down from heaven for us to love
Now our baby boy is all full grown
With a little bundle of joy of his own

CAROL OF THE BELLS

Pulled with violence
To break the silence
Choring, drawing

Mechanism priming
Ready for chiming
Banging, clanging

Momentum gaining
Timbers straining
Creaking, speaking

Mechanical timing
With rhythm climbing
Swaying, obeying

The peel resounding
A sound astounding
Ringing, singing

The call goes out
Around and about
Voicing, rejoicing

Come says the calling
Come one and all in
Morning, morning

Christ born this day
The Christmas bells say
Rejoicing, rejoicing

ROBIN

Crimson breasted
Perching on a gate
Robin red breast
Looking for a mate
A hardy suitor
Courting and wooing
Proudly displaying
In ritual pursuing
Trying to impress
To attract a wife
So in the spring
There’d be new life
And for his efforts
Amidst winter hard
He gets to appear
On a Christmas card

SAVIOUR, AT YOUR BIRTH

Saviour, at your birth
The angels softly sang
Heralding your arrival
To save the fate of man

Now your birthday is near
We hear the church bells rang
Calling your children hither
To sing the thanks of man

DID YOU FALL FROM HEAVEN?

Did you fall from heaven?
With the winter snow
You must be an Angel
You have that special glow

You must have come from heaven
An Angel from above.
Sent to me this Christmas
Sent to bring me love

Come sit beside me
In the glowing candle light
I never knew my love
Could ever burn so bright

From this first moment
As we drink a glass of wine
Your sweet angelic nature
Tells me you are divine

Wrapped in an Angels form
As our Christmas starts
You give me the gift of love
And I give to you my heart

ALL THE CHRISTMAS SAINTS AND ANGELS

All the Christmas Saints and Angels
Work behind the scenes
To orchestrate the season
Like precision built machines

They make the tinsel sparkle
They make the music play
They fill out hearts with love
As we wait for the saviours day

All the Christmas Saints and Angels
Pulling the strings unseen
Their purpose is a simple one
To fulfill all our Christmas dreams

OH MY CHRISTMAS ANGEL

Oh my Christmas Angel
Won’t you here my plea
Oh Christmas Angel
Spend Christmas with me

Oh my Christmas Angel
Surely heaven sent
Oh Christmas Angel
Be my Christmas present

Oh my Christmas Angel
Wont you here my plea
Let me un-wrap you
Beneath the Christmas tree

Oh my Christmas Angel
Oh please hear me do?
Oh Christmas angel
Let me make a devil out of you

CHRISTMAS IS NIGH

The snow lays deep and crisp
And though the frost is keen
In the clear night sky, the heavens
In all their glory can be seen
And bright there shines a star
Standing out from the jewelled sky
A star that seems to call out
Sweetly “Christmas is nigh”

Tuesday, 8 December 2009

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 6

Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the castle
Not a soul was stirring not even the rascal
And the reason for all the silence within
Was an over indulgence of wine and gin

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 5

Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the castle
Not a soul was stirring not even the rascal
And when the king returned from merrymaking
No one was awake to let him back in

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 4

Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the cottage
Was silence with the owners at home in Peas Pottage
So under cover of darkness at a very late hour
The cottage was torched by the Sons of Glendower

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 3

Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the tent
The creatures were stirring with malicious intent
They wriggled and crawled they chewed and they bit
As they made themselves a festive feast of it

CHRISTMAS DAY IN THE WORKHOUSE # 1

It’s Christmas day in the workhouse
Just another grey day to endure
If we’re lucky we’ll dine on mouse
And Oliver will still be asking for more

CHRISTMAS EVE IN THE WORKHOUSE # 1

It’s Christmas Eve in the workhouse,
And not a hint of the seasons in sight
No stockings hang by the fire side
They’ll be no treats in store tonight

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS # 3

I only want one Christmas gift
It’s the only Christmas wish I’ve wished
I just want to know all the names
Of the girls on the naughty list

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 2

Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the flat,
Not a creature was stirring not even the cat
The mince pies had been eaten every one and all
And the dog had thrown up on the carpet in the hall

CHRISTMAS ACROSS THE SEA

I am of occidental origin
And I should make it clear
That I have lived all my life
In the northern hemisphere

And every year, except this one
I’ve spent Christmas in blighty
This year, I was invited to my daughters
I tried to decline, politely

She doesn’t live in Britain
But in the land of the kangaroo
Christmas day in high summer
Oh what an awful to-do

The hot sun was like the Grinch
Not a cloud in the sky since dawn
It ruined the day for me
And it made the eggnog warm

Flies buzzed round the turkey
My hat was stuck to my head
No queen’s speech on the telly
I wish I’d stayed home instead

HAVE A CRACKING CHRISTMAS

I must definitely make sure
Her Christmas sack is full
Then if your dear is happy
Your cracker might get a pull

FAIRY ON THE TREE

Fairy, fairy on the tree
Why do you look so glum?
Is it the Christmas Blues?
To which you have succumbed
Is that what makes you sad
Or the needles up your bum

TIED UP WITH TINSEL

Have a little yuletide fun
Make it deliciously sinful
With your little Christmas hon
Tied up with tinsel

CHRISTMAS SPICE

Christmas time is very nice
But if I might offer some advice
You can add a spot of yuletide spice
If you indulge in a little festive vice

DEMENTIA

I think my grandparents
Are suffering from dementia
Because granddad asked my gran
As they sat together on the sofa
“Whatever happened
To our sexual relations dear?”
And the answer she gave
Is what gave me cause to fear
“I don’t know, we didn’t even get
A Christmas card from them this year”

WHILE BROKERS WATCHED THEIR STOCK BY NIGHT

While brokers watched
Their stock by night
In the heart of London town
The angel of the Lord came down
And turned off the power
And turned off the power

While brokers looked
Into their blank monitors
Stop messing she was bade
There’s lots of money to be made
Turn on the bloody power
Turn on the bloody power

You seem to be missing
The true meaning of Christmas
The angel calmly explained
In the darkness of the exchange
They did not listen to her
They wanted only power

I am not hear for god
I am hear at my own bidding
The angel was ranting and raving
You lost my bloody savings
When they told to her the risks
She fried them to a crisp

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 1

Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the house,
Not a creature was stirring not even a mouse
As earlier that night with the aid of cheese and a trap
I bad Mr. Mouse Merry Christmas as the spring went snap

NORTHERN LIGHTS

We have just learned
Candles may not be burned
In Santa’s workshop
The practise has to stop
A spokesman claims
That elfin safety is to blame

GROTTOS GO LEGAL

Santa’s little helpers, the first contacts,
Have all been given revised contracts
They will be known by the Santa Clauses
From this year on as subordinate clauses

JINGLE BELLS

Jingle bells, jingle bells,
Jingle all the way.
I’ve got a gun and a clever disguise
To rob the bank on its busiest day

Jingle bells, jingle bells,
Jingle all the way.
We got caught do you know why?
Because we only had a getaway sleigh

SCROOGE AND GRINCH

Scrooge and Grinch
Don’t believe in Christmas
When the carolers come along
They start to swear and cuss

Ebeneezer Scrooge is a skinflint
A mean and grasping old miser
Who buys from the pound shop
And sells them at a fiver

Little more than a grouch
Is the Christmas stealing Grinch
Who to miserable to be happy
He steals your Christmas by the inch

The tale is told of redemption
After the ghostly haunting stunt
The Grinch whole-hearted and loving
Says merry Christmas with a grunt
Scrooge and Grinch never changed
They were just putting on a front

WRITTEN WARNING

Beware of what you write
In your Christmas letter to Santa
Ask yourself if you’ve been good
But be honest when you answer
If you’re naughty and say you’re nice
Santa may erupt with laughter
He may even laugh so violently
That you end up killing Santa

MERRY CHRISTMAS SIR

Merry Christmas sir, I’m your paper boy
I bring you daily tidings of peace and joy
I know that at 6am that no one knocks
But how else would I get my Christmas box

Tuesday, 1 December 2009

DO YOU BELIEVE IN SANTA?

Do you believe in Santa?
It’s a yes or no answer
Have you never seen him?
He is there none the less
He is in the smiling faces
Or people that you meet
And in the children’s laughter
As they rush along the street
He is in the hearty handshakes
And the heart felt hellos
He is at the happy reunions
And the tearful farewells
He is in the choirs voices
Singing praise to the lord
And in the hearts of volunteers
Who feed the homeless
He is the presence of good
He is the Christmas spirit

MY EVERGREENS

Oh Holly and my Ivy
Of all the girls I’ve known
When they dress in the Santa gear
They really ring my bell

I SAW A FIGURE ON THE STAIR

I saw a figure
On the stair
Wearing red velvet
Trimmed with fur

It was Santa Claus
In my view
With long white beard
And hat askew

But not a Santa
Of familiar build
And no sack was apparent
Generously filled

I thought the figure
To my surprise
Was rather pleasing
To the eyes

And curiously aroused
At the view
Of Santa
In red stiletto shoes

At that moment
At the top of the stair
The coat fell open
And I do declare

This sight of Santa
Left me aghast
Wearing black stockings
And leather Basque

The white beard
Fell to the floor
And then I understood
What I saw

Santa hadn’t brought me
A gift in a sack
Santa was the present
For me to unwrap

CHRISTMAS IS THE HARDEST TIME

Christmas is the hardest time
When in the bosom of kith and kin
Amidst the exited chatter
And rustle of discarded paper
Punctuated by the joyous laughter of children
And over exited grown ups
I made all the right noises
As I wore my painful smile
I opened my presents when prompted
“Oh isn’t that lovely” I cooed
“That’s just what I wanted” I lied
But what I actually wanted
Was to be somewhere else
Where there was no need of false delight
Or insincere thankful exclamations
Anywhere else but there
They are well meaning souls
Who thought to help me,
By including my in their joyous celebrations
But they don’t understand my grief
Or the empty ache of a shattered heart
Each innocent Christmas ritual cut me like a knife
The familiar songs, once loved, now hurt
And each merry Christmas was a fresh cut
Losing you, my partner in life
Was like having a conjoined twin cut away
And among that happy crowd
My loneliness was most keenly felt
When all the excitement died away
I sat in silent contemplation
When sweet memories of happier days
Flooded into my mind to torture me
I hide it from the crowd
Keeping the pain and sorrow within
But so intertwined were our lives
I am left incomplete
I am in torment every day for the want of you
But Christmas is the hardest time

THREE WISE ONES Reprised

The three wise men
Traveled for days before reaching Bethlehem
And arrived after the birth
They stood and viewed the scene in awe
And knelt reverently in the lords presence
Then gave their gifts of Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh

The three wise women
Would have stopped to ask directions
And arrived before the birth
They would have delivered the baby
Then they would have cleaned the stable and cooked a meal
Before giving the baby really useful gifts

The three wise women
Leaving Bethlehem would be heard to say
“A virgin not likely, I know the family”
“That baby looks more like the shepherd than Joseph”
“Only a drama queen would choose to give birth in a stable”
“That Joseph is on the social you know”
“Well a lift home would have been nice”
“That angel was really snooty”

DECEMBER

December’s wind is bitter
December's moon is cold
December's gem is turquoise
December’s year is old

December’s sun is cool
December’s water is ice
December’s number is twelve
December smells of spice

December’s season is winter
December’s green is holly
December’s season is festive
December people are jolly

December’s shops are full
December’s shows are on
December’s drink is eggnog
December smells of cinnamon

December’s days are short
December’s nights are long
December’s tone is joy
December sings a Christmas song

VENTURA HOLIDAY

A Christmas cruise in the Caribbean
What a dream for the Christmas season
It’s a dream holiday for anyone
And costs thousands of pounds for a reason
Among other things what you would expect
When venturing on the ocean waves
Is to be in company of like minded people
Who comprehend how they should behave
You book early to avoid disappointment
And the chance to choose where to stay
Settle the amount in plenty of time
Then in December you’re on your way
But then to ensure a full compliment
Those greedy so and so’s at P& O
Heavily discount the remaining cabins
To all and sundry, happy Christmas ho ho ho
From every city, village and town
From Great Yarmouth to Merseyside
From John O’Groats to Lands End
And from Fishguard to Tyneside
They come in search of a bargain
And a cut price berth on a luxury cruise
The uncouth the loutish and the crude
They who measure fun in volumes of booze
And so begins the Chav cruise from hell
Not hell for the Chavs themselves sadly
But for the poor souls who paid their way
Chavs know no other way to behave but badly
For alcohol consumption they know no limit
This is apparent for every poor soul to see
Drunken food fights soon breakout
Some even set fire to the Christmas tree
What a sad indictment on our society
The way the Chavs behave abroad
It’s a shame that international law
Won’t let us throw the bastards overboard

CHRISTMAS WITHOUT HARRY

It was early when the children woke up
With their squeals of joy and delight
They hadn’t woken me though
I’d been awake half the night

Christmas held no joy for me this year
I was not looking forward to the day
And I always loved Christmas
This year I didn’t want to play

It was the first Christmas since I lost Harry
And each moment was a fresh agony
Everything we used to do together
Now had to be done by me

When you are the perfect partnership
It’s so hard when you lose one of the team
He was the cream cheese on my bagel,
I was the coffee to his cream

Its six months since he was taken from me
But the wound has barely healed
It takes just the slightest remembrance
And a fresh scar is then revealed

The children have all adjusted well
I’m so proud of the way they’ve coped
They’ve gotten on with their lives
And not sat around and moped

I’ve lain awake most of the night
Reliving Christmases gone by
I laughed at all the happy memories
And then the laughter turned to cries

It was going to be a difficult day to bear
And I would be glad when it was done
But I didn’t want to be a Grinch
And pour water on the children’s fun

Having Christmas without Harry
Was like having an undecorated tree
He was my best friend and soul mate
He was just everything to me

So for the kid’s sake I had to grin and bear it
Put on a brave face, smiled through the pain
I thought it would never end but end it did
And it won’t be that hard again

THE GIFT GIVER

The Christmas trees are trimmed
And all the halls are decked
Santa has made his list
And all the names are checked
The reindeer have been harnessed
The sleigh is loaded high
Santa climbs into his seat
And they’re off into the sky
Santa goes from roof to roof
From city to city and town to town
He finds the chimney pot
Then takes the presents down
And the gift giver goes about his work
So that every girl and boy
Can awake on Christmas morning
And unwrap that wanted toy

CHRISTMAS TURKEY

Laid naked on the kitchen table
White flesh from leg to breast
A Christmas bird to be enjoyed
My table was truly blessed

I set about the job in hand
Getting the bird prepared
And by using all my expertise
No effort at all was spared

Having greased the old bird well
The meaty legs spread wide
And I began to stuff the bird
I was really in my stride

When the bird had been well stuffed
It lay resting on the cooker
Smelling of sage and onion
The bird really was a looker

Then I looked up at the kitchen clock
Panic filled me and I began to fret
I shouted to my wife “quick put you pants on”
I haven’t prepared the turkey yet

Thursday, 26 November 2009

CHRISTMAS SCENE

Snow blankets the ground
Lights twinkle and flash and chase
Reds, blues, white
From Chimney pot
To garden gate
Lights of every hue
And a five foot plastic Winnie the Pooh
Santa’s, elves and reindeer
Stand guard on front lawns
Neon signs point the way for Santa
A typical scene now you might think
Could be anywhere in the world
The only thing to give away the location
Is the fact it’s still November
So welcome to
Christmas in Chav land

IT HAPPENED LAST HALLOWEEN

I stepped out of the car
And was verbally assailed
As I stood upon my drive

“Trick or treat”
Came the banshee chorus
From creatures barely alive

I was taken aback
By this unprecedented event
This new tactic they’d contrived

In the past I had been safe
Behind locked doors
When the leaches arrive

But pretending not to be in
Would not cut it any more
If I was to survive

I must be as clever
As the candy seeking predators
And learn to duck and dive

So when a firework went off
And their attention was distracted
I ran away to hide

TAKING ISSUE

I am a very lucky man
To have her as my wife
And I think she thinks the same
About having me in her life

There are only two things
With which she takes issue
That’s everything I say
And everything that I do

STRESSED OUT

Is your life hard?
Do you feel stressed out?
Do, the do’s and don’ts
Make you scream and shout
To change things around
There is no doubt
That ice-cream and cake
Will turn your stress about
For if you turn Stressed around
Then Desserts is spelled out

I REALLY WANT TO SAY

I really want to say to you
Just how precious you are to me
I really want to say to you
That I know you are the one for me
I really want to speak to you of love
But here is the twister
I really can’t talk to you of love
Because I’m in love with your sister

BALDY LOCKS AND THE THREE HAIRS

BALDY LOCKS AND THE THREE HAIRS

Baldy locks may be very rich
He may even be a millionaire
But Baldy locks is unpleasant
And he will never share
Don’t ever approach him
If you don’t want to hear him swear
If you fall beneath his gaze
You must say a little prayer
Don’t venture to close
Never stray into his lair
Don’t try to converse with him
You won’t elicit any cares
The only things he cares about
Are his three remaining hairs

HEALTH WARNING

How can they say smoking is bad for you?
It’s a lot of old tosh in my personal view
All my family smoked since they were nippers
And after all smoking has cured my kippers

NEWSY, NEWSY

Newsy, newsy
Suzy the Floozy
(Not very choosy)
Met Boozy Susie
(Always woozy)
Then had a twosie
In the Jacuzzi
Floozy and Woozy
Then got all Oozy
And decidedly bluesy
Before Suzy the Floozy
(Not very choosy)
And Boozy Susie
(Always woozy)
Got a bit snoozy
Twosie Suzie’s
Newsy, newsy

LITTLE RED RIDING HOODY

Little red riding hoody
Was sent to visit her sick grandma
But the big bad wolf spied her
Before she’d got very far
The big bad wolf wanted to eat her
And was just about to strike and mar
When she set her pit-bull on the wolf
Then went off to rob her grandma

HAVING A STROKE

A woman arrived on the ward
To visit her husband one day
And when she saw him in his bed
He looked in a very bad way
She asked the nurse what happened
“He had another stroke” The nurse said
The woman unconvinced
Questioned her about bruises to his head
“That’s not normal for someone having a stroke”
She said to her crossly
“I can tell you it is perfectly normal madam
When he’s having a stroke of me”

ALL THE NICE GIRLS LOVE A SAILOR

When the navy is in town
There is mayhem all around
As the sex starved from the fleet
Wreak havoc in the streets
Chanting amidst the noise
Get your tits out for the boys
In search of feminine company
After several months at sea
Pleasing them is easy
These horny men of the sea
They don’t want to see your thighs
Or to look into your big brown eyes
The only thing that will satisfy
Is getting your tits out for the guys
They don’t want to see you pout
Just get your top off and get them out
You can do a dance of lust
If you really think you must
You can even bump and grind
They don’t really mind
You can make a really sexy noise
As you get your tits out for the boys
This is not the best way to be
If you really want some company
Oh these enlightened men of the sea
All end the night skint and lonely

GSI NOT DIY

I don’t do plumbing
Carpentry or electrics
I don’t mess with tiling
Bricklaying or mechanics
I suppose I could be described
As a handy man, in a way
As I live on the premises
And can be there the same day
But that isn’t really handy
If I’m being fair
As I’m actually bloody useless
When I get there
So I don’t do DIY
I’m just not that guy
But I do, do GSI
I’m a “Get Someone In” kind of guy

KEEP FAT

I’ve just seen myself in the mirror
And it’s clear I need to get thinner
But if I join a gym they tell me
I will feel the benefits immediately
Their fitness plan like as not
Will take me from shot to hot
From porker to corker
From chunk to hunk
From duff to buff
But in order for me to see my toes
I just need to pay them through the nose
So rather than try to get thinner
I will just stop looking in the mirror

NICE ONE HENRY # 2

FIFA are on a mission
Disrespect for refs they want to defeat
An admirable ambition indeed
But first they need to stamp out cheats
Its spread from normal quarters
To Thierry Henry who to his ignominy
Handled the ball to keep it in play
A offence done quite deliberately
Which was compounded by his lie
That it happened accidentally

BETTER TO BE DEAD THAN RED

The Liverpool supporters
Singing from the cop
Urge me to join them
On and on they never stop

“You’ll never walk alone”
Is the anthem they sing
It’s gone on for years now
With that tinny scouser ring

Well I’m from Blackpool
And of more sober tone
Which is why I say to the cop
That I’d rather walk alone

CONFESSIONS OF A HOOKER

Lying in bed on their wedding night
The newly wed wife said, eyes full of tears
“Before we were married
I was a hooker for eight years”The husband said to her calmly
That he had no concern about it
And that it might even
Spice up their nuptials a bit
Then she got flustered
And said “no, no you don’t understand
My name was Jeremy
And I played Rugby for England”

WHO’S THE WANKER IN THE BLACK?

The song of the supporters pack
“Who’s the wanker in the black?”
That was the chant
But no longer, for you cant
Disrespect the referee
For a man such as he
Is to be protected
And respected
And no one must speak ill
Even if forced to swallow the bitter pill
Of un-just officialdom
Which is NOT seldom
No manager may mutter
Query or utter
Discontent in the refs direction
For to commit such an indiscretion
Will see them had up before the FA
Where a fine must be paid
And be sentenced to a touchline ban
For insulting the black clad man
But why should they be protected
And forcibly respected
They are a professional group
And well salaried to boot
They no longer officiate
In their amateur state
Low-tech refereeing
A hobby to be fitted in
Attending the scene of their crime
In their spare time
With no remuneration
For their dedication
No “bread and honey”
Just enough for petrol money
If lucky luncheon vouchers maybe
For a cup of tea
And a pie to warm the soul
Before disallowing a perfectly good goal
It was much better then
With those amateur men
And be able to say to their faces
That they were bloody disgraces
I don’t think we have progressed
Now we have professional refs
They now think themselves important
And no longer want to hear the chant
But I still want to sing with the pack
“Who’s the wanker in the black?”

Monday, 2 November 2009

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES

# 76

An apple a day
Keeps the doctor away
Is an old wives tale
And doomed to fail
So when the doc calls
Just knee him in the balls

# 77

Horsey, horsey will you stopJust stop with all that clippetty clop
You’ve been put out to pasture as you know well
So stop playing with the coconut shells

# 78

John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt,That is my name now
That’s John spelt with an H
And Jacob with a CAnd Jingleheimer spelt the right way!!
Oh what is the point just call me JJ

# 79

The Grand old Duke of York
He had ten thousand men
And when the hedonistic Duke reached the end
He started all over again

# 80

There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her face
She might call it a curl
But I’m afraid little girl
You’ve actually grown a moustache

# 81

There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her forehead.
“That’s inbreeding for you”

# 82

Christmas is coming the geese are getting fat
Pick me out the fattest one and we’ll have that
It needs to be a big one for our Christmas feast
In fact just give us the one that’s clinically obese

SWEETHEARTS

Put you trust in me my love
I will never let you down my dear
My darling, dry your tears
My angel set aside your fears
Our life together will be sublime
Sweethearts till the end of time

LOTHARIO

Just let me gaze into your eyes
His words did not disguise
His unsubtle advances
Of flirtatious talk and furtive glances
But I fell victim to his charms
And he held me in his arms
But I held him in mine as well
And then had him under my spell
As I gazed into his eyes
I had the lothario hypnotised

TECHNICAL TIP

This is a technical tip so listen to it
Absorb it and assimilate it
If it’s wet you may dry it
If it's dirty you may clean it,
If it squeaks you may oil it,
But if it works: don’t fiddle with it!

WANT

I want you every day
In each and everyway
With every breath I take
I want to inhale you
I want to consume you
I want to undress you
Slow and controlled
I want to peel you
Like a piece of fruit
Whose consumption
Is to be anticipated
Each layer more revealing
Exposing the sumptuous flesh
Ripe in its perfection
A sight to be savoured
A delight to be relished
I want to touch you
Feel the warmth of you flesh
Sense it tremble beneath my fingers
Feel the beating of your heart
Beneath your perfect skin
Listen to your breath sounds
Altering with each touch
I want to caress the shape of you
Touch the heat of your passion
Feel your moistness
I want you every day
In each and everyway
With every breath I take
But to you I don’t exist

MY

My skin yearns
For your gentle touch
That silken caress
Of velvet joy

My body yearns
For the warmth
Of your tender embrace
Enveloping me

My heart pleads
For you presence
To be replenished
To be refilled

My lips beg
To be softly kissed
By petal pink mouth
Of honey sweetness

My essence craves
That other entity
Which makes me whole
My soul mate

BAD RECEPTION

You sit in reception
A vacuous bimbo
Reading your mag
And thinking of bingo

You read your magazine
Quite empty headed
Smiling at men
Who’d have you bedded

If you could read our minds
What images you’d see
Vividly depicted scenes
Of lust and debauchery

You would be employed
For a very different job
With balls on your chin
And a nob in your gob

The men in the pinstripe
Would have you promoted
If you allowed yourself
To be spit roasted

The delivery driver with
“a package for yer”
Would like to bend you over
The photo copier

Even the women
Of the other persuasion
View you in their fantasies
Being used for perversions

As for myself you would see
Your bountiful naked bod
Breathless and panting
Riding my rod

It’s safer if you remain
A vacuous bimbo
Reading your mag
And thinking of bingo


This poem was inspired by a particularly unhelpful, vacuous and obnoxious receptionist in Sheffield whose complete disinterest in anything but her magazine led me to compose this ode, fuelled merely by spite and malice.
I would like to apologize in advance to the large body of very efficient, helpful and largely sexually unattractive receptionists up and down the country.

LITTERBUG JITTERBUG

Discarded from a moving car
The litter travels very far
Each piece small or big
Performs a little merry jig
Each windblown piece at play
Participates in the ballet
Plastic bags float with ease
Waltzing high upon the breeze
Sweet papers flutter
Down in the gutter
Coke cans or maybe tango
Dance the tin can fandango
While larger papers jitterbug
Thanks to the litterbug

SILK STOCKINGS

Silkily sheer
From dainty ankle
To lily white thigh

Silk stockings
Needing to be touched
Pleasing to the eye

Silk stockings
Cool to the touch
Hot to the eye

Silk delicately soft
Contrasting my ardour
These legs in silky guise

Smooth cool silk
Temptingly tactile
A feast for hand and eye

Silken stockings
Sensual silk road
That leads to paradise

Friday, 30 October 2009

BEWARE THE IDES….

Ceasar and Brutus were talking one day
About the phones with the most cachet
They discussed the best deals of the day
Then friend Brutus thought to say
“What network are you with by the way?”
Ceasar promply replied “O2 Brute”

THE LITTLE CHILDREN SAY

The little children say
All cute and sweet
On all hallows eve
“Trick or treat”

The little pleading faces
Look up with innocence
Wide eyed angels
Full of malevolence

A cute kid you can trust
I haven’t met yet
And what they really mean
Is tricks and threats

Friday, 23 October 2009

CHRISTMAS HERALD

The Christmas lights are up
The shops play Christmas tunes
The Santa’s are out in force
In their red and white platoons
Christmas goodies are on display
The best selections ever seen
Which sends the message out
That it’s nearly Halloween

Friday, 16 October 2009

GODS GRACE

Little Grace sat hugging her granddad
“Did God make you granddad”? She said
As she stroked his old wrinkled face
Then ran her fingers across his balding head
“Yes sweetheart God did make me”
Then she touched her own face
“And did God make me too”?
“Yes God made you too my little Grace”
She thought for a moment then said
“Well in that case then I guess
God must have fixed the problems
In the manufacturing process”

LOCKERBIE LAMENT

The grieving families
Of Al Megrahi’s victims
Have no truck with mercy
Or Scotland’s political whims
They say they want justice
For their loved ones
But most just want vengeance
When all said and done
In their grief they crave
Justice for the just
Al Megrahi’s death itself
Won’t satisfy the bloodlust
Because withering away
Consumed by cancers hand
Is an inadequate passing
For such a man
Perhaps some more public end
Shown on live TV
A public execution
For all the world to see
Stoning him to death
On the Whitehouse lawn
With Obama saying “yes we can”
As the families look on

REUNION TREPIDATION

Reunions are strange affairs
Full of shadows of events long past
Faces swim at you from the crowd
Faces from the past
Some are old friends
Greyer in colour
Frailer in body
But still recognisable
Someone says
"I haven't seen you for years"
And suddenly you see them as they once were
You swap stories
Exchange remembrances
And the years just melt away
Though at times you grasp for names
In the far reaches
Of your cluttered mind
You pour over old albums
Regimental photos
Or company teams
Picking out familiar faces
"His name was Chisholm"
"What was his first name?"
"George?"
"No he played trombone"
"Tom, Tim, no Jim"
You feel pleased with yourself.
Your trepidation at attending long gone
With the pleasure of old friendships revisited
You are glad you made the effort

At reunions and other such gatherings
Amongst the sea of faces
There always appears
As if released from a time capsule
That one person who seems completely unchanged
The “Dorian Gray”
Who makes you feel older than ever
And a little bit envious
But not bitter
You console yourself with the fact
He has a painting of Methuselah in his attic
Plus there was that smug satisfaction you got
When you met the rabble rousers of your youth
That are now the teetotallers
Or those with walking frames
And the special diets

Reunions are more than that though
It’s not just about meeting old friends
Some people you never liked
Some you always avoided
Those are the ones who propel themselves
Excocet like from the throng
And act like your long lost best friend
They are the ones you need rescuing from
That cause time to stand still
They ones that caused your trepidation
Who talks incessantly
About everything
And nothing
The ones that cause you to vow
"This is my last reunion"
Or “Never again”
But because the one annoyance
Is the exception to the rule
When next you're askedYou always relent

Wednesday, 7 October 2009

HALLOWEEN TALES

SEASON OF WITCH

When the werewolf’s howl
And vampires take to the wing
When the witches start to brew
And you hear the banshees sing
When the ghouls are on the move
And the ghosts can all be seen
Then that’s the time you know
That it’s the night of Halloween

A VAMPIRES TALE

When the sun has long set
At dead of night
I rise from my bed
And go out for a bite

Soon I am flying
On my vampire quest
Its fresh young necks
That I like the best

Though I am in no way
A connoisseur
And I would not turn down
Something more mature

Soon I find a subject
Ripe for the picking
And when I’ve supped
My lips I’m licking

Then I return fulfilled
To my dark domain
And sleep the clock around
Until I can sup again

TIS ON THE NIGHT OF HALLOWEEN

Tis on the night of Halloween
When ghosts and ghouls and things obscene
Arrive when our worlds come together unseen
And the souls and demons can pass between

CHRISTMAS HERALD

The Christmas lights are up
The shops play Christmas tunes
The Santas are out in force
In their red and white platoons
Christmas goodies are on display
The best selections ever seen
Which sends the message out
That it’s nearly Halloween

OUR NIGHT OF FIRSTS

I dreamt last night
About our night of firsts
I saw everything with such clarity
Though it was many years ago
All the sights and sounds
The smells and of course touch
It was such a special night
Our night of firsts
Our first date
The first time we held hands
As I walked you home
Along the orchard lane
And then of course
Beneath the cherry tree
Our first kiss
On that late spring evening
When the air was full of perfume
And we heard the birdsong
We gazed into each others eyes
Then our lips touched
And our fate was sealed
For at that moment
On our night of firsts
We fell in love
From that moment on
And all the days of our lives
Our love has lasted
And though I am alone now
And I can only kiss you in my dreams
When my time comes
We will meet again
And walk hand in hand along the orchard lane
And kiss once more
Beneath the cherry tree

BLACKBERRY CAT

You had to go out on such a filthy day
Even though you have a litter tray
I suppose out side there is fun to be had
And you’re still active so I should be glad
But why is it that you deign to re-enter?
Taking a path right across the centre
With half the garden on your paws
Only after I’ve washed all the floors

GIRL ON HORSEBACK

Elegant and beautiful I thought
Admiring the girl on the horse
I couldn’t take my eyes off her
No glance back at me of course

She sits in the saddle quite aloof
A cut above us I’ve been told
A little bit snobby to tell the truth
But she is a beauty to behold

As for the horse she sits upon
A fine thoroughbred steed
A beast like she, looks down its nose
Because like her it’s of noble breed

You expect to be looked down upon
By a girl atop a noble horse
But when on terra firma
I would expect equality of course

But from her five foot one inch stance
She looked down on me once more
Which was quite a feat indeed for her
As I stand tall at six foot four

PC COFFEE TIME

Black coffee
That’s all I crave
Nothing fancy
Just coffee, black
Not latte
Skinny or otherwise
Not espresso
Cappuccino
Mocca
Mocca choca
Macchiato,
Americano
Just coffee, black
But now I’m told
It’s not PC
To order black coffee
Apparently
To be perfectly PC
When ordering black coffee
I must request
Coffee without milk

SHADES OF LOVE

THE LIGHT WENT FROM THE WORLD

The light went from the world
When our love came to an end
I lost everything of worth
My lover, confident and friend

At the moment we discovered
Our love had simply lost its spark
Like the switching of a light switch
My whole world went dark.

PLEASE DON’T LOVE ME

Please don’t love me
Please don’t make me
The object of your affections
Or subject me to your infatuations

Just because I smile at you
And make small talk too
And we have so much in common
Is nothing to pin your hopes upon

Please don’t love me
Please don’t invest your love in me
I’ve been down that road before
I don’t wish to travel it anymore

Every thing is rosy at the start
But too many times love breaks your heart
I will not risk my heart again
So all alone I will remain

So please don’t love me
Friends is all we can ever be
Save your love for the “one”
My dealings with love are over and done

TOO MUCH LOVE

He loves her he says
And he says it often
To elicit a reciprocation
In case her feelings soften

And he does love her
Too much though
Than is really healthy
Soon she will know

For stronger than his love
Growing in intensity
Smoulder the embers
Of his bitter jealousy

She loves him in return
And feels his love
But has not yet felt
The iron fist in the velvet glove

A WORLD OF LOVE

When I walk with you
Through the woods and hills
Just you and I together
The real world disappears
Melts away like a dream
In the cold light of day
That you just can’t quite remember
We avoid the other walkers
Such is our greed for each other
That we jealously guard our company
We are in love
Though we speak of it reluctantly
Lest we break the spell
So we embrace together
In our special world
Cocooned from the real world
By our close proximity
Just you and I
And that is all the world we need

FOR LOVES ADVENTURE

For loves adventure to begin
With life’s journey to share in
Requires only that our souls should meet
And the circle then to be complete
Then with that first sweet embrace
There is nothing ahead we cannot face
For love itself is not the prerequisite
The prize is to keep and treasure it

BEAUTIFUL EYES

Beautiful eyesSo clear and blue
Big eyes,
“All the better to see you”
Eyes, the windows to the soul
What do you see through?

Beautiful eyes
Imperfection free
Big eyes,
“All the better to see me”
What do you see?
When you look through them at me

Beautiful eyes
So honest, so sincere
Big eyes,
“All the better to see clear”
Do they see me with love?
Yes they see with love, my dear?

TAKE A CHANCE ON LOVE

I know it’s difficult to trust again
When deceit is all you’ve known
And lies are all you got to hear
Don’t let it turn your heart to stone

My love for you is boundless
Though the intensity may alter
There will be constancy
My love for you will never falter

Please give me a chance
Put an end to your distress
Take a gamble one last time
The jackpot is your happiness

TWO HEARTS

Two hearts wanting
Standing on the sidelines
Wanting to participate
But fearing heartbreak

Too scared to trust
Past wounds still raw
The wanting so deep
But the spirit to weak

Two hearts wanting
Standing on the shoreline
Wanting to take a swim
But too fearful to dive in

Two hearts wanting
Standing on the sidelines
They will join in, in time
Or they’ll wither on the vine

CONCERNING SPURNING

Since that moment of your spurning
How to live without you I’m learning
But as long as the world keeps turning
And a boomerang keeps returning
All the time the sun keeps on burning
That’s how long I’ll keep on yearning

OUR LOVE IS TOUGH

Our love is tough
Our love is strong
Made in England Apropos
As strong as tungsten steel
It’s as hard as granite rock
It won’t melt away like the April snow
It’s made of sterner stuff
The only thing that will break it
Is if we let it go

I THOUGHT MY HEART WAS BROKEN

I thought my heart was broken
On the day she said goodbye
I loved her so much
I loved her too much
All my friends said
“You’re better off without her”
“Plenty more fish in the sea”
But I wasn’t so sure

I thought my heart was broken
But in the end I was mistaken
Though I felt pain
I don’t want to feel again
My friends were right
I was better off without her
And there were more fish in the sea
Of that I was assured

I thought my heart was broken
On the day she said goodbye
But it was not you see
And if she had not left me
Then my friends, the matchmakers
Would not have trawled the seas
And found the perfect girl for me
My future is now secured

DREAMING OF YOU

Walking alone on a bright summers day
I’m thinking of you though you’re far away
Wishing you were with me neath this sky of blue
In my lovers daydream I’m walking with you
I dream of you every step and every stride
Picturing you with me walking by my side
Soon I won’t have to dream to have you near me
And my phantom lover will have to flee
Your perfume will intoxicate me like wine
Then I will really feel your hand in mine
And then we can fall in love anew
Until then I must keep dreaming of you

IMPRUDENT HEART

She fell in love
Too easily
Too deeply
Too desperately
Her heart was imprudent
Indiscrete, Impulsive
There was always another target
Of her affections
Some would deplore her
Some would ignore her
Some would use her
Some would abuse her
Her heart was always disrespected
Always unappreciated
Her love was always unwanted
And always unrequited
She just wanted to be happy
But each time
She strove for love
It just got further away
She gave her heart
Too readily
Too easily
Too cheaply

I COULD HAVE LIVED A LIFETIME

I could have lived a lifetime
Sailing the seven seas
One moment in the teeth of a gale
Then becalmed for want of a breeze
I could have charted new waters
Or discovered exotic new lands
Or battled cutthroat pirates
With sword and pistol in my hands
I could have lived a life of adventures
Sleeping beneath the stars
Lived by a strict code of honour
While sporting my duelling scars
All this and more I could have been
If I’d lived an adventurous life
But in truth what greater adventure
Than to lay in the arms of my wife

PRETTY ANGEL

How pretty she was
A fact no one denies
With the face of an angel
And sympathetic eyes
Her soft gentle mouth
Its true nature it belies
For beyond the facade
She was the devil in disguise

How deceiving she was
Behind the angels disguise
Hidden beneath a mask
Were calculating eyes
Her soft gentle mouth
Could speak only lies
And beyond the fa├žade
Lay the angels demise

BETRAYAL

In your dark betrayal, you have destroyed
Everything in my life that mattered
What I thought was solid, is now gone
Because of you our love was shattered
Like a thousand mirrored fragments
Each precious memory now scattered
Reflects back all those moments of deceit
My self respect left torn and tattered

LOOKING AFRESH

Looking afresh in the cold light of day
All at once life isn’t as dark as it appears
When first you left me for another
Leaving me alone after so many years
I was deeply hurt, but now I realize
You’re not worth the salt of my tears

RING IN THE WINDOW

In the window he saw the ring
The perfect one, a beautiful thing
The most perfect symbol for her
At its centre a Ceylon sapphire
A gem to beguile and hypnotise
And match the beauty of her eyes
Then to compliment its glow
Around it sits a diamond halo
Light playing on its heavenly guise
Like the sparkling of her eyes
All set in a stylist platinum band
Which he could picture on her hand
And pictured himself on one knee
So he could say “please marry me”

IN SUNSHINE OR IN SHADOW

In sunshine or in shadow
Your love sets me aglow
In perfect calm or raging storm
Your love keeps me warm
In times of drought or flood
Your passion warms my blood
In summer bright or winter dark
You are always in my heart

WE HAD IT ALL

It was here, in our grasp
We could see it, feel it, touch it
Something steadfast and solid
Reassuring and comforting
A constant, a given
Something infinite and immeasurable

We had it all in our hands
A living breathing thing
That we gave life
Our own creation, our new entity
But we let it escape from our grasp
Slowly slipping through our fingers
Though we tried to recapture it
It was illusive, like trying to net smoke
It evaded our efforts

So now it's gone and nothing remains,
Of that entity that was us
Nothing tangible, nothing physical
Only memories remain

NOTHING LASTS FOREVER

Nothing lasts forever
Nothing is that durable
Nothing is built to stand the test of time
No matter how sound the foundation
It will fall apart

Love is among the list of shoddy structures
Love doesn’t last forever
Even though we wish it would
And we can make the case why it should
And list the justification
“Because I need you”
“I feel so lost without you”
“I don't want to be alone”
No one is listening
There is no ombudsman
To hear your grievance and arbitrate
You have loved and lost

But knowing it won’t last forever
Doesn’t soften the blow
When it comes to an end
It still hurts like hell
And the pain seems to last forever

I'VE ALWAYS LOVED IT AT THE SEASIDE

I've always loved it at the seaside
But I don’t like dirty postcards
I don’t like kiss me quick hats
Or ice creams on the promenades

I don’t like the sand in the picnic
Or the feel of dry salt on my skin
I don’t like the smell of the seaweeds
Or the sound of seagulls screaming

I don’t like the amusement arcades
And I don’t like the movement of the tide
I don’t like to sit in the deckchairs
I've always loved it at the seaside

I LOVE IT AT THE SEASIDE

I love it at the seaside out of season
When the bathers are not there
The beaches are no longer sun kissed
The sands are empty and bare

I love it at the seaside
On a bright sunny winters day
When you can stroll along
With out people getting in the way

You pick your way along the shore
Picking up driftwood and shells
Skim stones across the water
Without soliciting angry yells

I love it at the seaside
The deck chairs are all stored away
On the sea front all is quiet
And the car park is free all day

I love it at the seaside
The shops are shut and battened down
All the amusement arcades are shut
But not the Rose and Crown

NATURE POEMS

MISTY MORNING

The early morning sunlight
Creeps across the meadow,
Where in the wet grass
The rabbits make their dawn patrol

In the meadows quiet corners
The sun glints on dewdrops
Trapped within the intricacies
Of a labyrinthine spiders web

Though the morning sun is weak
And too soft to burn the mist
It still banishes the darkness
And another day begins

ON SUN SCORCHED SAND

Beneath my shoeless feet
The sun scorched sand
Burned those who dwelt too long
In admiration of the vista
Beneath the swaying fronts
In the shadow of the palms
The white sands
Offered cool respite
I rested a while
Before I journeyed
Across the sun baked sand
To become immersed
In the cool of the ocean

SQUALL

The grey skies are stormy and wild,Strong winds gust and batter the land,
Rain carried by the squall
Peppers the windows like gravel
And stings the faces of the unfortunate traveller
God protect those caught abroad
On such a foul day as this
The winds whistle round the buildings
And make rag dolls of the trees
Being inside looking out is preferable
Warming by the fire with glass in hand
Loved ones safe about you
Ride out the storm in comfort
Until the stormy gales subside

SUNFLOWERS

They bloom in summertime
Blooms of golden orange
Heads the size of saucers
Unnaturally strange
They stand tall and straight
And super model thin
Large headed and skinny
Just like models again
Not grown for beauty
But for their numerous seeds
Ugly and ungainly
These giant unwanted weeds
Maybe I’m wrong to view them
As one of natures messes
But I can’t help thinking
They’re not one of God’s successes

BEASTS OF THE AGE

Where once was beauty
Now stand the monsters
Towering tall and lean
Arms stretching outwards

These beasts have spread
Across the land and sea
Like a virulent rash
Reaching out to infinity

The towering beasts
Came here to save us
Cleanly making power
Without dirty green house gas

They stand as sentinels
Unsightly and offensive to the eye
Come to save the world
With their clean power supply

In light offshore breezes
Windmill arms turn slowly
It’s a shame they can’t work
When it gets a bit blowy

HANDBAGS AND GLADRAGS

Alligators and Crocodiles
Swam the murky waters
Unchanged in their ancestry
And in their sons and daughters

Oh how time had left them
As the world kept spinning
Swimming the murky waters
Since the worlds beginning

Until they then fell foul
Of fashion entrepreneurs
Valuing them for their skins
For devotees of couture

JAMBOREE BAG

EUTOPIA (HAIKU)

Darling buds of May,
appearing in endless dreams
of bountiful days

POETS OF YORE

Great poets, wordsmiths of yore
Prose and rhyme did write
Of matters that went before
Viewing them in poetic light

ALL ENCOMPASSING

A compass point
Will show due north
And knowing where north resides
Lets you find your way
To all points due
This differs greatly
From a moral compass point
Which only has one position
And always points you to
“Do the right thing”

THE SAINTS AND THE ANGELS

The Saints and the Angels
Watch over us all the year round
You never know they are there
For they never make a sound

But they are there nonetheless
Watching over us everyday
And they are there to listen
When you have a need to pray

And should some weary soul
Let slip their earthly bonds
They have angelic company
On their way to the great beyond

AM I BOVVERED

She drove in the exit as I drove out
And I hit her car with a mighty clout
With a chorus of colourful language
She got out to inspect the damage
Her hair was pulled back from her face
Eyes bulging as if sprayed with mace
Skin tighter than the string of a bow
As if she’d had her head out the window
I wasn’t sure if she was injured or ok
Or if her face always looked that way
I inquired if she was injured or hurt
Her response was certainly quite curt
Then I pointed out she was at fault
And she reared up like an angry colt
We exchange details insurance and such
And got in my car and wished her luck
I pointed out her horse like behaviour
And the extent of her driving failure
She was a very long way past miffed
The angry girl with the Croydon facelift

THE YOUTH OF TODAY

Whether Right or wrong
Or for good or badThey all do it, Girl and boy
Or laddette and lad
Lads swear like troupers
Loud and loutish
Girls swear like fishwives
Drinking to excess
So lacking in respect
For themselves and for others
Morals like alley cats
That would shame their mothers

WHEN I WAS A KID

When I was a kid
Life was simpler than it is today
We chose our friends
Based on the things we liked to play
When I was a kid
And we Choose teams in the school yard
If you didn’t get picked
No one thought to play the race card
When I was a kid
Race creed and colour were meaningless
The only “Race issue"
Was arguing about who ran the fastest

POSITIVE DISCRIMINATION

It’s about time we realised
Discrimination is futile
Between black and white
Muslim, Jew and gentile
The old and the young
The homeless and the cherished
The left and the right
The perfect and the blemished
Atheists and believers
The contented and the whinger
Able bodied and disabled
Brunette blonde and ginger
The east and the west
From Asian Orientals
Continent against continent
To European Occidentals
The happy and the sad
The skinny and the stout
The stable and the mad
The in and the out
The north and the south
The Oxbridge and the common
The straight and the gay
Man versus woman
At the end of the day
Nature will discriminate
And will eliminate
Those perpetrators of hate
The senseless bigots
And the world will be rid
As nature will choose
Between the smart and the stupid

LIBERALS

Don’t you just love the liberal crew
So called because of their liberal views
But when you examine their reasoning
Their liberality is merely posturing
Charles Kennedy was deposed of course
Because he was too fond of the sauce
Jeremy Thorpe had to go way back when
Because of his fondness for young men
While Menzies Campbell was told
He had to go because he was just too old
The party so proud of their liberal principals
Are in reality not that liberal at all

TWENTY SOMETHING, SWEET YOUNG THING

Twenty something
Sweet young thing
You smile at me each day
“Hello” or “Hi” you might say
The carriage rattles along
Rushing us towards the throng
The train wheels sing a song
And I picture you in a thong
You look up from you book
And give me a quizzical look
Can you read my thoughts?
I’d better think about sports
No, no that doesn’t help at all
Now you’re playing beach volley ball
Twenty something
Sweet young thing
Looking at me quizzically
This is the affect you have on me
Better not read my mind?
You don’t know what you’ll find
In my head I often caress
The soft curves of your tender flesh
As I divest you of your attire
And satisfy my every carnal desire
A smile replaces your quizzical look
Before your eyes return to your book
I must not have these thoughts again
When we are together on the train
Twenty something
Sweet young thing

IF YOU ONLY KNEW

Twenty one today, the birthday girl
Blushing beauty beneath soft curls
You are the most beautiful creature
With such a delightful nature
You smile and it lights up your face
And I look at your breasts to my disgrace
You would not smile at me so sweetly
If you knew I wanted you completely
Oh beautiful creature demurely dressed
How I yearn for you to divest
If you could read my lustful mind
Such filthy thoughts there you would find
Is your nature as innocent as it seems
Or are you as dirty as in my dreams
If you knew of the one I dreamed last night
Of how you succumbed without a fight
I kissed and caressed the breast I cupped
And of your sweet nectar I greedily supped
Then like beasts we met in congress
But it was only a dream I must confess
Oh pretty thing with sumptuous figure
Let me consume you in my vigour
Oh pretty young lady, half my age
Release my passion from its cage

HOLOCAUST

Since the cooling of the Nazi’s oven fires
And the fading glow of the funeral pyres
The world has had to endure the mutterings
Of those who deny the holocausts sufferings
The inane ramblings of conspiracy theorists
The bigoted bile of Islamic fundamentalists
The holocaust now stricken from the syllabus
We must not speak of it lest we cause a fuss
We must appease the liberal sentiments
For God forbid we might cause offence
But the holocaust happened, SHOUT it aloud
Shout it in the face of the apathetic crowd
For if we do not condemn the holocaust deniers
Somewhere, one day they will relight the fires

MILITARY MIX

THE TREATY

The eleventh hour
The T’s were crossed
And the I’s were dotted
The eleventh day
Books were balanced
Of the butchers tally
The eleventh month
Seeds were sown
For the Second World War
By the French at Versailles

SAVIORS

When soldiers stand neath flags unfurled
Before going to war to do the biz
Be sure before they’re sent to save the world
They re happy with the world the way it is

SHIP RAGE

The silence of a foggy night in the fall
Was shattered suddenly by a radio call
“Unknown vessel divert your course please
And steer to the north by fifteen degrees
Recommend you make this correction
That we might avoid a head on collision”
The reply came “Divert YOUR course please
And steer to the south by fifteen degrees
Recommend you make this correction
That we might avoid a head on collision”
“This is the Captain of the USS Codfish
I say again, divert YOUR course forthwith”
The Reply came back “No, I say again
You must divert you course you cant remain”
This is the USS Codfish not a garbage scow
We’re a large warship divert your course now!“
I don’t care whether you are large or small”
“This is a lighthouse” Said the reply “your call”

BANG YOUR DEAD

A nuclear war, can they say
Ruin your whole bloody day
For in any atomic hostility
All men are cremated equally

HERE ENDETH THE FIRST LESSON

I think war is probably God's way
Of teaching us all a lesson I’d say
But it won’t be a lesson in theology
Its more likely a to be in geography

THE MILITARY WAY

The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it
Having someone take a shot at you, and miss is the most satisfying feeling
Every retreat is a tactical withdrawal
Make sure you are not conspicuous in the combat zone it draws fire
Incoming fire has the right of way
Learn never to volunteer for anything
If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush
The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions
Accurate incoming enemy fire is only surpassed by incoming friendly fire
Remember friendly fire ain't
You know the quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small
When you can be seen by your sergeant you, can be seen by the enemy
Any time you are in advance of your own positions, the artillery will fall short
You know that no battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy

DEGREES OF HUMOUR

TERMINAL CONCEIT

Do you hold yourself in high esteem?
Are you the answer to your dreams?
Then you probably go through life, like as not
Thinking you are slicker than snot
Served hot on a silver platter
You really think that you actually matter
While in truth you’re likened to a cold bogey
Dried out, smeared and unsightly
Stuck to a “pound shop” paper plate
This is a truer reflection of your state
So take heed of this little ditty
And learn a little humility

NATURAL JUSTICE

Natural justice for those deserving
Needs applying
So the man who invented Fucking
Needs decorating
And the man who invented decorating
Needs fucking

FILTHY RICH

Life can really be
An awful bitch
Which is why, on balance
I would prefer to be rich
There are some people
Those lucky dogs and bitches
Who though little effort
Amass immense riches
In numbered accounts
Their balances healthy
And they find themselves
So incredibly wealthy
That they lose all respect
For simple humanity
And that's the kind of rich
That I want to be.

SMALL BEER

When I first met my lady
All was well with life
But she soon tried to change me
Once she became my wife

She told me I must save money
And my drinking days were over
But she would still go out
Spending a mint on a make over

I complained about giving up beer
While she wasted cash so readily
She said she spent the money
In order to look pretty for me

I said that before I gave it up
That was what the beer was for
Somehow I don’t think she’ll return
By the way she slammed the door

BE ALERT

On public transport
You are reminded constantly
To be alert and vigilant
And report suspicious things you see

But if I saw something
That might be construed suspicious
I wouldn’t know what I’d do
As I don’t like to make a fuss

But what constitutes suspicious
Is it unattended packages
Or people behaving furtively
Or just hanging around for ages

Traveling home late on the train
One night before Christmas
I saw several women dressed as schoolgirls
Should I report that as suspicious?

GET YOUR DANDER UP

When some one annoys you
And you want to have a go
When your hackles go up
Firstly count to ten or so

But if they get under your skin
And you want to let rip
And you feel your temples throb
Firstly just bite your lip

But if all else has failed
And you do lose your temper
Keep your words soft and sweet
In case you have to eat them later

JIM PANSY

Tim can see,
Jim Pansy,
Gym handy
Limbs bandy
Tim can see,
Jim Pansy,
A chimpanzee

SENIOR MOMENTS

OVER THE HILL

As a young man in the full flower of youth
I had more than my fair share of adventures
Now the best I can manage, to tell the truth
Is staring at the glass that holds me dentures

STROKE OF LUCK

Three old ladies were sitting in the park
When a flasher came walking by
This caused Ada to have a stroke
But the other two were just too shy

50 SOMETHING

So you’re 50 something
No need to feel so glum
True you’re no spring chicken
And you’re the mom of a mom
You’re nearer the next milestone
Than you are the last one
But don’t fret about the numbers
Celebrate each day with aplomb
You truly are now a “WOW”
A “wiser older woman”
See the positive in the situation
Try to hold onto that if you can
Don’t think of the loss of youth
Focus on the gaining of wisdom
And if you believe all this rubbish
Then you really are undone

ASK A STUPID QUESTION

A local reporter
Asks an old lady at her leisure
“What part of being 104
Gives you most pleasure”?
She simply replied to him
"No peer pressure"

SPORTING MOMENTS

A GOOD SPORT

If you are thinking of taking up a sport
Then here’s a thought
If you are going to try cross-country skiing
This is what I’m thinking
Make sure you are well equipped to ski
And start with a small country

DASH IT ALL

They called it the dash
Way back in the day
A short word for a short race
Dash was the right word to say
Now they call it the sprint
Like its something elite
It’s still just a short race
That’s been hijacked by the Effete

WOKINGS WOES

After a dismal start to the season
Woking are slowest out the blocks
With two points from seven games
The crowd are angry to their socks
They have singled out a scapegoat
A target for their jeers and mocks
and they call the new striker “jigsaw”
Because he goes to pieces in the box

ANYONE FOR TENNIS # 1

For Henman fans Andy Murray
Doesn’t do it for them
And for his on court aggression
They criticize him
But if you remove his aggression
You’re left with Tim

ANYONE FOR TENNIS = 2

If Andy Murray wins Wimbledon
He will be called a super brit
But if he fails like those before
He will be that dour Scottish git

PUT DOWNS AND PICKUPS

PUT DOWN # 25

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“How would you like your eggs in the morning”?
He might say to you
So just reply to him
“Unfertilized will do”

PUT DOWN # 26

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says to you
“What’s going on in that pretty little head honey?”
Just reply to him
“I'm trying to imagine you with a personality”

PICKUP # 1

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Like “I'm ready for some FUN,
I hope you are too
I already have the F and the N,
Now all I need is U”

PUT DOWN # 27

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he should say to you
“I could do things to you that you wouldn’t believe”
Simply reply to him
“Really? If I throw a stick, will you leave?'

PICKUP # 2

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
“Winning the Lotto jackpot”
You might start
“Is quite meaningless if you’re single
And have a weak heart!'

PUT DOWN # 28

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he uses the line
“Have you heard we’ve been brought together by cupid”
So just reply to him
"I like you, you remind me of when I was young and stupid."

PUT DOWN # 29

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
"Let's go back to my place!"
Would be a line well known
So just reply to him
"I don't think we'll both fit under that stone!"

PICKUP # 3

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
“Let me introduce myself”
You can say to her
“You don’t look like the kind of girl
Who’ll sleep with a stranger”

PUT DOWN # 30

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
When he sidles up to you with his pick up line
Before he has chance to deliver it
Just say to him
"Nice cologne, but did you have to marinate in it?"

Tuesday, 29 September 2009

THE LAST TOMMY John “Harry” Patch 17th June 1898 – 25th July 2009

God bless you Harry Patch
The last British Tommy to fall
Jack, Jill and Maudie are waiting
Can you hear that distant bugle call?
The serried ranks stand cheering
Calling you to glory Harry
Calling you to reassemble
You must go now no time to tarry
Jack, Jill and Maudie Allen
Are waiting to greet you proudly
Goodbye Harry so long old friend
Can you hear the bugle calling loudly?
Come to the cookhouse door boys
Come to the cookhouse door
Oh fallen heroes, oh hearty lads
I fear we will see your like no more

Jack, Jill and Maudie Allen where the nicknames of Harry Patch’s Lewis machine gun crew who were killed by shell fire on Pilkem Ridge, Passchendaele, Belgium in 1917

HARRY’S LAST POST

Soldiers bear the last of the lads
In casket draped in the union flag
And then a reverent silence falls
Before the last post’s mournful call
Trumpeting his journey into grace
To feel his comrades warm embrace
Goodbye Harry a soldier known
The final Tommy going home

HOSPITAL DUDE

The coolest dude at the hospital
Is the ultra sound guy
But when he is on holiday
It’s the hip replacement guy

DREAM LOVER?

Was our secret love as special as it seems
Or were our liaisons only in my dreams
Am I remembering those nights clearly
When your heart beat only for me
And we satisfied all of our passions
In all their varied forms and fashions
Could it be our exertions were a fallacy?
Our sexual gymnastics just a fantasy
Were those sensual hours spent with you?
Or just an imagined lovers rendezvous

MISSING OUT

They’ve taken all the fun away
It’s prohibited from the school day
Thanks to the politically correct crusade
And the heath and safety brigade
There can be no unacceptable names
Or boisterous competitive games
Now playing in the snow and ice
You must play games safe and nice
The nanny state has declared
That the nation’s children must be spared
But when I was a child we did alright
And we did survive an occasional fight
But we had more freedom in my view
We could choose what things to do
You didn’t have to climb in trees
Or pick the scabs off wounded knees
You didn’t have to play kiss chase
Or catch a snowball in the face
You didn’t have to make a slide in the snow
If you didn’t want to you could say no
Conkers was not a compulsory game
You didn’t have to call girls names
You could roll in the grass again and again
Or jump in puddles after heavy rain
You didn’t have to skip with girls
Or run with grass seed in your curls
If you didn’t want to there was no need
You could sit alone and quietly and read
But if you chose to you could do it
And after all we were young and fit

THE ANGEL OF THE NORTH

The angel of the north
Standing tall and erect
That androgynous monument
To the politically correct
Disproportionate in aspect
On a hill it was put
But it has sunk in the ground
To the depth of a foot
Definitely no room
For complacency though
As there are still another
Sixty five feet to go

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES ONCE MORE

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 38

Ring-a-Ring o'RosiesA Pocket full of Posies"Pig flu! Pig flu!"We all take a sickie!

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 39

For want of a nail the shoe was lost.For want of a shoe the horse was lost.For want of a horse the rider was lost.For want of a rider the battle was lost.For want of a horseshoe nail oh what tosh.Ill equipped and poorly lead is why they lost

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 40

Jack be nimble, Jack be quickJack jumped over the candlestickBut Jack should have jumped higher
Because he’s set his balls on fire

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 41

Twinkle, twinkle little star
Are the services very far?
Oh I really hope they are
Or I will Tinkle, Tinkle in the car

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 42

Mary was a little flirt
Men followed her like sheep
But though she liked the attention
She fancied little bo peep

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 43

Yan, tan, tethera, pethera, pimp.
They’ll not miss the one with a limp
Sethera, methera, hovera, covera, dik,Lets just kill it nice and quick
We’ve counted all the masters sheep
Let’s have lamb stew before we sleep

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 44

Hickory, dickory, dockSome mice ran up the clockThe clock struck one,When the pendulum swung
Hickory, dickory, dock
Hickory, dickory, dockThe mice looked on in shock
Seeing the stricken one
Fall all the way to the ground
Hickory, dickory, dock
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 45

Old King Cole was a merry old soul,
And a merry old soul was he;He called for his pint in the middle of the dayAnd he called for his cronies three.Every crony had a fresh bottle,
And a very fine bottle had he;Oh there's none so pissed as can compareWith King Cole and his cronies three.

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 46

Red sky at night,Arsonist’s delight;Red sky at morning,Four minute warning.

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 47

Baa, baa black sheep, have you any wool?No sir, No sir, we don’t have any wool!Are you a nutter? Are you insane?
This is the butchers the wool shop‘s down the lane.

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 48

Hot cross buns! Hot cross buns!One a penny two a penny - Hot cross buns
Isn’t that buy one get one free? Or are they two for ones?Not one a penny two a penny - Hot cross buns

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 49

The Owl and the Pussycat went to sea
In a beautiful pea-green boat,
Though they were jolly, their expedition was folly
And the coast guard sent a life boat
So when the Owl and the Pussycat went to sea
Safely ashore we were able to see
Because the couples distress, the whole sorry mess
Was filmed by the BBC

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 50

Diddle, diddle, dumpling, my son John,Went to bed with his trousers on;One shoe off, and one shoe on,He was completely shit faced my son John!

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 51

The worms crawl in the worms crawl out,They crawled in thin and crawl out stout
And when they’re so fat they cannot crawl
The birds come down and eat them all

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 52

I'm bringing home my baby bumble bee
Won’t my Mommy be so proud of me
But my baby bumble bee went and stung me
So I stomped on that bastard bumble bee

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 53

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wallThe people behind could see nothing at all
They asked him to move but he wouldn’t do that
So they pushed him off and he went splat

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 54

Little Jack Horner sat in a cornerEating his Christmas pieHe stuck in his thumbAfter scratching his bum
Then offered to share his pie.

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 55

One, two, three, four, five.Once I caught a fish alive,Now you don’t see that every day
Not on the Thames anyway

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 56

Little Tommy Tucker sings for his supper,
What shall we do for him? He’s a bit of a nutter
And he can’t sing a note every one knows
So we’ll audition him on one of Simons shows

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 57

The Grand old Duke of York he had ten thousand menHe marched them up to the top of the hillAnd he marched them down again.
This upset the lads, who thought the Duke mad
So in order to stop him, they had to top him
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 58

Horsey, horsey don't you stopJust let your feet go clippetty clop
Make the whip swish close up the ground
Win the race or your dog food bound

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 59

Hark, hark my dogs do barkAll day walking round the town
My plates of meat, my aching feet
I just want a nice sit down

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 60

Hark, hark the dogs do barkThe chavs are coming to town
Some with piercings and some with tats
And one in a designer gown

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 61

Here's the church, and here's the steepleOpen the door and see all the people.No it’s not a church anymore you see
But another place to drink coffee

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 62

John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt,My name is that name now
Whenever I go out,The people will always shout,There goes John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.(I’m John Smith really but I’ll never be a super star named John Smith)

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 63

Rain, rain go away,You’re ruining my holiday
I wait all year to come away
Rain, rain, go to Spain,
Don’t come back to Wales again

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 64

There was a crooked man and he walked a crooked mile,
Well that’s not strictly true he travelled there in style
After all what is the point of being a crooked man
If you can’t live it good and large when you can

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 65

Mary had a woolly lamb
Who ran away from her
It was struck by lightning
And its now just polyester

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 66

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was black as night
But it’s not PC to call it black
So she calls it dirty white

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 67

Jack and Jill went up the hill
They planned to do some snogging
But jack tried to get in her pants
So she whacked him on the noggin

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 68

Ding dong bellPussy's in the well
And that’s where it’s staying
Until it learns not to piss in my garden

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 69

Jack ate all the lean,Joan ate all the fat.They left the platter so clean,There was nothing for the cat

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 70

Half a pound of tuppenny rice, Half a pound of treacle. This will never make a bomb
Not even if you added diesel

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 71

Jack be nimble, Jack be quickJack jumped over the candlestickBut someone lit the candlestick
And poor old Jack burnt his wick

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 72

Ladybird, ladybird fly away home,Or soon our own species will be gone
Fly back across the sea so blue
And take your extra spots with you

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 73

Little Tommy Tucker sings for his suppers,
Because he is so down on his uppers
But he doesn’t get much out of it
Because his singing is really shit

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 74

"Pussycat, pussycat, where have you been?
Have you been up to London to visit the Queen?"“No I haven’t, didn’t you hear my meow?
I’ve been locked in the garage you silly cow”

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 75

Half a pound of tuppenny rice, Half a pound of treacle. This internet bomb making site
Really is a load of shite