Monday, 15 December 2008


The best way to prepare
Your turkey this Christmas
Is to keep it simple
To minimize the fuss
To my way of thinking
The best method to apply
Is just be straight
And say “Turkey, you’re going to die”


If when you look in the mirror
And you see NO beer belly
NO complexion like cracked leather
NO bald head or nose like a strawberry
If when you look in the mirror
And it doesn’t look like you have three arses
Or have varicose veins on your lily white legs
Then you need to wear glasses


It was in a seedy club
Where I spied her in the gloom
And I knew I wanted her
As our eyes met across the room

Are you wearing stockings?
Is the answer no or yes
Your buttocks say oh
And your hips say guess

I liked what I saw before me
It was lust at first sight
We didn’t speak as she took my hand
And led me out into the night

We painted the town red
Then after a night of carousel
She took me to her apartment
To quell her burning arousal

It was a mutual wanting
A primeval burning passion
A need for physicality
A time to enjoy each sensation

There was a moment’s hesitation
As we stood face to face
Then primitive and animal
We touched in coarse embrace

I fingered her through the silk
Until she moaned her sighs
Then I pulled her pants down
Her long stocking-ed thighs

My hand returned to her lips
And I probed her creamy-ness
Rhythmically stroking her
Until I brought her to the abyss

Kneeling before her writhing form
My mouth set off on a quest
To kiss my way along her leg
To taste the her tangy-ness

I reach her stocking top
And the softness of her thighs
My cheek against her skin
As I sought out the dewy prize

I tasted her until she shuddered
And let out a stifled shout
Then she unzipped me quickly
And tugged me roughly out

She kissed me with urgency
And could taste herself on my lips
While her hand tugged on me
I pulled her skirt above her hips

But then she was on her knees
And her mouth was all about me
As she sucked on my shaft
Sucking me to the point of ecstasy

I was beginning to lose control
Would she drink her fill of me?
Would she wear my necklace?
Or would her loins envelope me

The answer quickly came
As she pulled me to the floor
Where she rode me like a dervish
Until I could give her no more

And then we lay entwined
On the floor of her apartment
Enjoying the afterglow
With our passions well spent


My son is like a cat
There’s no doubt of that
All day long he sleeps
While the daylight seeps
Then with a few cat licks
He hits the pavement bricks
And stays out all night
Returning at first light
To where he resides
And when he slinks inside
Without a single word
He brings with him a tatty bird


I would if I could
But I can’t so I shan’t
How good if I should
But I can’t which I grant
If I could I know I would
But I can’t so I shan’t
Oh how good if I should
But I chant I can’t, I can’t

Wednesday, 3 December 2008


Every year during the festivities
I remember friends and family
Those who are no longer with us
To celebrate another Christmas
And with each passing December
It seems there are more to remember
But I take time in equal measure
To enjoy each moment and to treasure
Those special ones who are still here
Whose number also grows year on year


If you seek a special gift
The greatest gift of all
Don’t look beneath your tree
It was never there at all
The greatest Christmas gift
Was given to us all
The Christ child in a manger
In a lowly cattle stall


Its time to celebrate
Our saviour’s birth
Its time to mark
The day he came to earth

Its Christmas again
Its time to rejoice
Its time to sing
And to our praise give voice

So praise the Prince of peace
Our majesty of mercy
Hallelujah Son of God
Oh Jesus Son of Mary


This Christmas Time
When you celebrate the day
With friends and family
Good spirits on display
When your dining table
Is full to overflowing
Everyone cosily warm
With the firelight glowing
And you sit in your armchair
With your waist band straining
Opening all the presents
When outside its cold and raining
When you have over indulged
To the point of gluttony
Take a moment to think
About the all too many
Spare a thought for the needy
For the tired and the weary
Or those who are just lonely
The cold and the hungry
The numerous homeless
The defenceless and the helpless
Enjoy this Christmas Time a lot
But think of those who cannot


I love Christmas when it comes around
The smells and tastes, the sights and sounds
I love the Christmassy Cinnamon smells
The Carol singers and chiming church bells
I love to see the advent candle burning
The excited faces all the children yearning
I love the gifts done up with ribbons and bows
And Red faced Santa’s calling ho ho ho
I love the merry songs about the season of Yule
And handmade decs brought from school
I love trimming the tree with festive things
Like candy canes and popcorn strings
I love the twinkling of the Christmas lights
And the garlands hanging colourful and bright
But the thing that makes the season for me
Is kissing my love beside the Christmas tree


I have worked for Ebenezer Scrooge all year
A man devoid of any sign of Christmas cheer
I’ve avoided being kissed by the office Romeo
By navigating the office avoiding mistletoe
As the time is ticking towards Christmas day
I could have done with a little help along the way
I’ve dealt with shoppers impatient and rude
But I tried to stay cheerful while I queued
I’ve bought all the presents the paper and bows
I’ve put up with all the countless ho ho ho’s
I’ve got all the groceries and gallons of booze
While you sat in front of the telly and snoozed
I’ve decked the halls I’ve trimmed the tree
I’ve wrapped all the presents from you and me
I’ve written all the Christmas cards to everyone
Which I hand delivered though I posted some
I’ve cleaned the whole house from bottom to top
I’ve washed and ironed till I’m ready to drop
I’ve prepared the veg, I’ve stuffed the bird
I’ve hung the stockings and you’ve not stirred
And the very second I take a minute for me
The first thing I hear is “Mum, what’s for tea”
So to Santa Claus I make my annual plea
For a very special present just for me
Just one year I would like to escape this stress
So that I too can have a merry Christmas


I Remember in December
That the reason for the season
Is that Christ is in Christmas
And he is there for all of us
And I remember the son God gave
To the world he would save
When love was born
On that first Christmas morn


If you want the great gift giver
To come on his sleigh and deliver
Then remember this simple rhyme
And recall it at Christmas time
“If in Santa you do not believe
Christmas gifts you will not receive”


Now Dasher, Now, Dancer
Now Prancer and Vixen
On Comet, On Cupid
On Donner, On Blitzen
So the plastic Santa’s say
Down at the mall
But shoppers have a verse
That serves one and all
Now charge it, now defer it
No cash and No cheques
On store card, on visa
On MasterCard and A-mex


Dear Santa Claus its that time once again
And not for the first time I have to complain
Last Christmas you once again failed miserably
In securing that one simple gift for me
Every Christmas I write and beg and plead
And I’ve been good, not perfect though I’ll concede
This is not the first complaint you’ve had from me
I’ve written since I was four and now I’m forty three
So once again I’m sending you my Christmas list
And ask you to fulfill my one and only wish
Please send me my own special red hot lover
Or at the very least my own significant other


The birth of Christ
Is the reason for the day
Santa Claus does his part
In his magical way
Rudolf and the other reindeer
Pull the loaded sleigh
Decorations and lights
Put Christmas on display
And festive songs and carols
Have a part to play
But it takes a mother
To make it a very special day


The snow softly falls on Christmas Eve
Excitement abounds for they who believe
Children’s faces gaze out from the light
Searching for Santa in the snowy night
Then off to bed skipping across the floor
After milk and cookies are left by the door
Snuggled under covers they say “night mum”
And think happy thoughts of the day to come
They lie too excited to sleep in their beds
But sleep they do then they dream instead
Dreams of Santa Claus and presents galore
Dreams of toys and sweets and so much more
Then they awake in the early morning gloom
Squeals of delight coming from their rooms
And so another Christmas day has come
A day of love and laughter and above all fun


Enjoy your Christmas day in peace
Avoid any kind of quarrel or wrangle
Chill out, relax and enjoy the day
And don’t get your tinsel in a tangle


Merry Christmas
Yuletide friend

Cherished memories of
Heartfelt love and
Remembered moments
Instantly recalled
Special moments of
Time spent together
Merry Christmas’s
And happy new years
Special friend of mine

For me always
Remembering your smile
Instantly helps me
Each time I’m down at
Not being with you
During the season


Cards adorned with Robins and snow
Holly sprigs and festive candle glow
Advent calendar and paper chains
Decorations never to be used again
Ribbons and bows and paper wrapping
With tree and wreath all go in the bin
Though Christmas may be throw away
The love can be recycled every day


Come Christmas day
I will be full of Christmas spirit
Buck fizz with my breakfast
Is only the start of it
Then a sherry with the vicar
After the candles have been lit
And aperitif before lunch
Maybe Vodka or a Gin and it
Wine with every course
Brandy when the pudding is lit
Liqueur with coffee
Then more brandy as we sit
Then when the day is over
I whish shoe a ferry Hacky Fhrismit


We step through the door
To enjoy the seasonal fare
Chestnuts roasting in the fire
The smell of cinnamon is in the air
I watched a snow flake melt
On her glistening auburn hair
As we held hands in the soft light
Of the Christmas candle glow
Then I gave her a little parcel
Tied up in ribbon with a bow
And I kissed my first love
Beneath a sprig of mistletoe


Christmas is the time for living
Spreading love with the gift giving
So at the festive time of year
Fill your heart with Christmas cheer


Christmas is a time of joy
For every little girl and boy
All wishing for that special toy
That they can’t wait to enjoy

Christmas is a time of love
Given to us from the lord above
When we see with eyes of a dove
Christmas fits us like a glove

Christmas is a time for prayer
Christmas is a time to share
Christmas is a time to care
It’s also the time for festive fare

Christmas time is a special thing
A time to worship Christ the king
In his honour gifts we bring
And to the heavens high we sing