Wednesday, 24 September 2008

THE NAKED TRUTH (2)

Mary stood naked before her husband
“What do you like most about me?”
"What is it that turns you on more,
My pretty face or my sexy body?"
He perused her nakedness briefly
"Your sense of humour!" said hubby

MENOPAUSAL MONITOR

George was unhappy
With his wife’s erratic mood swings
And his work mates
Told him of the benefit s of mood rings
So he went out a bought one
So he might monitor her mood
He had his reservations
And he thought the idea quite crude
But when she was in a good mood
The stone in the ring turned bright red
And when in a bad mood
It left a huge bruise on his fore head
He came to the conclusion
That he would throw away the mood ring
And try a new tack
Such as buying her a diamond ring

WILDERNESS

The fierce sun burned the land
Cracking stone, bleaching bone
Drying the rich earth to dust
To be blown on the four winds
Or washed away by unforgiving rains
So infrequent in their coming

Unable to penetrate the iron earth
Rain-washed off the barren land
Like it were a repellent oily hide
Leaving it sterile and infertile
To all but natures hardiest
Most determined to cling to life

In the fast expanding wilderness
Beneath rocks and stones life goes on
Insects toil industriously on
While un-germinated seeds bide their time
Until nature smiles once more
On this harsh and arid land

WIND

Wind is a wonderful thing
Invisibly it makes the leaves dance
And trees gyrate as if shaken
By an invisible hand
Water is pushed before it
Rain and snow are driven by it
It ripples through cornfields
Whispers in the grass
It whistles through canyons
Whines like a tortured spirit
Or scream like a banshee
It is a fickle force
It can be silent like a mouse
Or roar like a lion
Its gentleness can caress your cheek
Its awesome power
Can toss you like a rag doll
Or snap you like a twig
Its power is to be respected
It’s uncompromising and indiscriminate
A force to be reckoned with
Whether from the frozen north
Or a bitter easterly
A stormy westerly
Or a vengeful tempest from the south

THE GREEN SEASON

Abundant rain
And warm sunshine
Paints the landscape afresh
Replacing the drabness
Of greys and browns
When the greens appear
In their infinite variety
Nature’s pallet used abundantly
Greens of every hue and shade
Fields of luscious green grasses
Trees speckled with bright buds
Like a vivid rash
Against brown limbs
Hedgerows sprout into life
While bulbs push through
The contrasting earth
Everywhere awash with viridity
Only in spring
Can the same colour
Appear in so many guises
So many variations
A veritable myriad
Across the spectrum
From dark olive to bright lime
Drab khaki to exotic emerald
Shades vivid and vibrant
And all this is but a pre cursor
Preparing the senses
For the coming
Explosion of colour

I WANT TO LIVE

I want to live
Where you can see stars
In the night sky
And it actually gets dark at night

I want to live
Where the river banks
Are grass and reed
And the dominant colour is green

I want to live
Where the animals
Out number cars
And I know all my neighbours by name

I want to live
An idyllic country life
In a village or on a farm
In a chocolate box paradise

PLATEX WOMAN

What with middle age spread
And the force of gravity
Time has played havoc
With my once sylph like body
My hour glass figure is no more
Alas it’s more like a barometer case
And my “cross your heart” bra
Is more of a “cross your waist”

ROBIN THE HOODY

Robin the Hood
Robbed from the rich
And gave to the poor
A noble with a noble cause
A lovable rogue, full of charm

Robin the Hoody
Robs from the rich
And also from the poor
The lowest of the low, who snorts
The proceeds up his nose
Or sticks it in his arm

NEVIS

In the lochs reflection
Could be glimpsed
The gentle caress of clouds
Atop the granite peaks
Before they thickened
To hide the Ben
Then separated like parting friends
To reveal the stark silhouette
Against the blue
And through these inconsistent clouds
The sun would burst
Illuminating the glen
And its heathered hills
As the clouds moved west
The sunbeam moved
Like a torches light
And in the distance
The hills appeared to move
As if in a lantern show
Then on the freshening wind
From the west
Squally showers blew in
And the sun painted
A rainbow across the sky
And as quickly as it had arrived
The showers blew away
And the rainbow faded
Evaporating to nothing
Then the sun began to set
Beyond the western isles
And turned the sky red
With streaks of pink and gold
Decorating the whole sky
And when the sun sank
Beyond those misty isles
The night wrapped the glen
In its dark shroud

I THANK YOU

I thank you
For your love
I thank you
For your smile
I bless you
For your heart
And for being there
When I dial
God bless you
For your friendship

IF YOU WERE A STAR

If you were a star you’d be the brightest
If you were a mood you’d be the lightest
If you were a pop song you’d be number one
If you were the weather you’d be the sun
If you were a drink you’d be bucks fizz
You are the best you are the bizz

YOU CAN’T HAVE YOUR CAKE

The upstairs flat has been sublet
Above our local patisserie
To an attractive young woman
Who wears exotic lingerie
Her pursuits are in nature erotic
Ok she’s a prostitute I will admit
But there are advantages to this
As you can eat your cake and have it

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE

How great is the feeling
Of love, love, love
Brought on the wings
Of a snow white dove
Sent by the angels
Who dwell high above
A love so perfect
It fits me like a glove
My life was so empty
Of love, love, love
But to keep my life full
You are the solution thereof

THE L WORD

Often inappropriately used
The word love is everywhere
Forced into every utterance
Used almost like a panacea
Some who find themselves in love
Use the L word to death
As if underlining their insecurities
It is uttered with every breath
Though while some use it liberally
Some have an aversion to saying it
But whichever camp you fit in
If you have to say it - mean it

BYE, BYE, EVERYONE, BYE, BYE

Sooty is 60 years old now
And has had a long career
But behind the sweet fa├žade
There lurks a secret I fear
Sooty and co-star Sweep
Were rivals for the love of Soo
This caused bitter resentment
Still unresolved between the two
Soo’s on screen persona
Was all sweetness and light
But being fought over
Brought her great delight
But this well kept secret
Is not the only one you see
There is another scandal
Lurking to embarrass Sooty
Despite Soo’s on screen image
Off screen she was quite wild
And the dirty little Panda
Had Sooty’s glove child

Thursday, 4 September 2008

TITTER YE NOT AMY

The pop diva Amy Winehouse
It was announced in the press today
May stay in Frankie Howerd’s old house
If Amy’s Mum manages to get her way
Her mum told her she has to go to rehab
But Amy said nay, nay and thrice nay

OUT OF THE MOUTH’S OF BABES

OUT OF THE MOUTH’S OF BABES - PANCAKE DAY

Catherine, A young mother was making pancakes for her boys
Kevin and Ryan who were five and three began making noise
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake
Catherine saw the opportunity for a moral point she could make
"If Jesus were sitting here, today he would say, and not hesitate”
'Please let my brother have the first pancake, because I can wait.'"
The boys sat silent for a few moments after their mother’s address
Then Kevin turned to his brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

OUT OF THE MOUTH’S OF BABES - CHILDISH GRACE

Catherine was having a dinner and some friends were invited
At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said
"Would you say grace?" "I don't know what to say," she replied
"Just say what you hear Mummy say," the husband then plied
The girl bowed her head and said thinking she was on a winner
"Oh Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

OUT OF THE MOUTH’S OF BABES –PRAYER

Megan a little four-year-old was heard praying
Well it was the lords prayer that she was saying
And she said "And forgive us our trash baskets
As we forgive those who put trash in our baskets"

OUT OF THE MOUTH’S OF BABES – THOU SHALT NOT

In our church’s Sunday school class our children
Have been learning about the Ten Commandments
After the class had studied hard about the first nine
They approached the last one with some confidence
The teacher asked the class if anyone could tell her
“What was the tenth commandment for a moral life”
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and proudly quoted
"Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife"

OUT OF THE MOUTH’S OF BABES – QUIET CLASS

A Sunday school teacher once asked her children
As they were on the way to their own church service
"Why is it necessary for us to be quiet in church?"
One girl replied "Because people are sleeping miss"

OUT OF THE MOUTH’S OF BABES – THE CHRISTENING

After the christening of his baby brother in church,
All the way home Jamie sat in the car and cries
His father asked him over and over what the matter was
And then still sobbing the boy finally replies
"The Vicar said he wanted us to be brought up
In a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys."

OUT OF THE MOUTH’S OF BABES – THE LORDS PRAYER

Three year old Katie had been learning
The Lords prayer with her mother each night
She would repeat each line after her mother
Practicing and practising to get it right
Katie’s mum carefully enunciated each word
Going over and over each line in detail
Finally, Katie went solo "Lead us not into temptation"
She carefully recited "but deliver us some E-mail”

OUT OF THE MOUTH’S OF BABES – THE WEDDING

Six-year-old Ellie was in church
With four-year-old Luke her brother
They were sitting in the church
Attending a family wedding together
Luke laughed, sang, and talked out loud.
Pulled faces and generally messed about
Finally, his big sister had had enough
Luke was spoiling her special day out
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why?” Luke asked “Who's going to stop me?".
Ellie pointed to the back of the church and said,
"Those two men by the door are hushers see"

OUT OF THE MOUTH’S OF BABES – DOWN ON THE BEACH

A Dad was on the beach with his children
When his four-year-old son ran up to him,
Took his hand and dragged to the shore
Where a seagull lay dead in the sand before him
"Daddy, what happened to it?" the boy asked
Dad replied "He died and went to Heaven son,"
The boy thought a moment and then said,
"Did God throw him back down here then?"

MILITARY LAW

MILITARY LAW # 1

There is an old law of combat
If you heed this you’ll go far
Never ever share a foxhole
With anyone braver than you are

MILITARY LAW # 2

The buddy system is essential
To surviving in combat
Because it gives the enemy
Somebody else to shoot at

MILITARY LAW # 3

Never let a senior officer
Stand next to you
Because even snipers
Can make mistakes too

RULES FOR CATS TO LIVE BY

DOORS

It's very important that you endeavour
Not to allow you're human too ever
In any room keep the doors shut
To get a door open, just purr or strut
Once you've got your human to open it
It is not necessary for you to use it
If it is an outside door lie in the threshold
This is very important if it's wet or cold

HELP WITH THE COOKING

When supervising the cooking
Get behind the cook by sitting
Where she would be hard put
To see you just by her left foot
And you will stand a better chance
Of being trod on which will advance
Your human to pick you up to
Babble gibberish and comfort you

PAPERWORK

If you're human is doing paperwork
Lie on it and you drive them berserk
A fun thing to do if they are writing
Is to play with the pencil by batting

READING BOOKS

When you're human is reading a book
Jump up on them to get a closer look
Get close up to them under their chin
So it's hard for them to keep reading
Keep between the reader and the book
And dribble on it when they try to look
If you get the chance lie on their hands
They will soon give in to your demands

READING NEWSPAPERS

Now this is a very interesting caper
When you're human is reading the paper
Jump up at the newspaper suddenly
Silently and landing on their knee
This will make the paper unreadable
And your human a little disagreeable

USING THE COMPUTER

When your human is working at the computer
Bat at the cursor this will make you even cuter
Then walk across keyboard without hesitating
Then lay across their arms to stop them typing

AT BEDTIME

They wont sleep well if you get it right
Always sleep on your human at night
So that they cannot easily move around
Bat at their ears if they sleep to sound

THE LITTER BOX

If you notice your humans isn't wearing socks
Be sure to kick plenty of litter out of your box
If they're half a sleep is the best time I suppose
Humans love the feel of litter between their toes

THE ART OF HIDING

From time to time it is a good idea
To hide and make your human fear
When you return home eventually
They will be so relieved to see
With open arms you they will greet
And you are bound to get a treat

HOW TO GREET A GUEST

If visitors come to your home
Jump on their laps to welcome
Purr loudly and turn around
Break wind and then jump down

CHAIRS OR CARPETS

If you think you're going to be sick
Get to any chair as quick as you can
If you cannot manage it in time
Get to the expensive rug from Japan
If there is no Oriental rug to hand
Then the shag pile will certainly fit
When throwing up on any carpet
Make sure you back up as you do it

THE BATHROOM

If visitors go to the bathroom
Always accompany them there
It's not necessary to do anything
You just have to sit and stare

PANDERING

The Giant Panda
To some extent
Is the architect
Of its predicament
Its choice of habitat
And fussy diet
Contributes greatly
To its demise, I regret

REBORN

Mountain snows thawing
Swollen rivers causing
Nature dormant awakening
Newlife into breathing
Sprouting shoots arriving
Early cherry blossoming
Annual event occurring
Life’s cycle repeating
Spring time refreshing
Simple senses pleasing
Gods design believing

REAWAKENED

Nature reawakened
As the long winter dies
Naked boughs are dressed
Spring causing sap to rise
The resounding birdsong
Fills again the April skies
And the warming earth
Releases daff’s and narcissi’s

SUMMER GARDEN

Suspended baskets spill scented color
Gently swinging in the summer breeze
Pollen drifts unseen in the fragrant air
Causing sufferers to cough and sneeze

Maids scantily clad in pastel colors
Girls wearing little to keep them cool
Scanty outfits set men’s pulses racing
The men who watch sit back and drool

Men in shorts wear socks with sandals
Middle-aged women dressed up as lamb
Deciding to satisfying their appetite
Eating sandwiches of cheese and ham

Lunch consumed and glasses emptied
The drink is drunk so no more boozing
Homeward now they make their way
To end the day by dozing or snoozing

Babies asleep in buggies or prams
Children laugh from slide and swings
The garden full of carefree chatter
Roaring trade till the last bell rings

SUNLIGHT DANCING

Bright sunlight dances across the open water
Glinting like diamonds in the soft march winds
The surface occasionally broken by rising fish
Far-reaching ripples expand as a splash rescinds

Without warning the morning peace is shattered
The silence broken by breeding ducks in a brace
Flying and gliding effortlessly in perfect harmony
Until clumsily hitting the water with a lack of grace

An intruder and his dog appears on the lakeside path
The alarm is raised by geese honking frantically
Adult swans noisily adopt their defensive stance
Huge wings out-spanned and charge dramatically

The once tranquil scene is lost in a cacophony
All the nesting wildfowl have now been alerted
The intruder and his dog disappear along the path
The peace returns now the danger has been averted

Bright sunlight again dances across the water
Glinting like diamonds in the soft march winds
The surface occasionally broken by rising fish
Far-reaching ripples expand as a splash rescinds

THE SNOW QUEEN

The snow queen banished
To slumber again unseen
As Mother Nature paints
Again the landscape green

OLD WATER

Why does mineral water?
That Started in the mountains
As melting snow and ice
Feeding streams and fountains
And has trickled through
Granite rock and slate
For countless centuries
Need to have a 'use by' date?

MORNING GLORY

It was in the bright spring morn
The birds awoke at crack of dawn
Though the light was still dim
They hop twixt branch and limb
Day begins with the dawn chorus
And starts the day for all of us

SPRING IS SPRUNG

Hallelujah
Its spring again
With warm sunshine
In between showers of rain

Hallelujah
The spring is here
It’s such a joy
All at once the senses clear

Hallelujah
Spring has begun
New life everywhere
All at once cobwebs are gone

Hallelujah
Its spring once more
This one is better
Than the one we had before

Hallelujah
Its spring again
Not so clever
When you’re caught in the rain

Hallelujah
The springs nearly over
Bloody showers
Still it will soon be summer

A PASSING CIVILIZATION

Fast food packaging
Hits the ground
As a car passes
Paper cups dance
In the artificial breeze
As a lorry passes
In the shrubbery
Tin cans and wrappers lie
As a pedestrian passes
Tickets, receipts, cartons
Bottles, tins and old refrigerators
Each successive piece surpasses
But nature will overcome
Our laziness and contempt
When our tenancy passes

LOOK AT THEM

They appear morning
Noon and night
They swell and grow
Rise and fall
And dissolve and shrink
They are sometimes thick
Sometimes thin
They are sometimes dense
Sometimes transparent
They move fast and slow
They cross treetops and fields
Lakes and seas
Homes and factories
Deserts and swamps
Tropical rainforests
And arctic tundra’s
They are beautiful and familiar
Strange and dramatic
They are myriad in form and shape
A face, a mountain, a fish
They are brown and gray
Steel blue and black
Yellow and gold
Lilac and pink
But mostly clouds are white

STORM FRONT

The gulls screech and scream
Swooping above the cliff top
On the waves below white horses ride
As the tide surge is broken to a stop

Fishing boats appear to dance
Driven by the weather to the south
They make slow progress in the swell
As they bob towards the harbour mouth

As the weather quickly closes in
The gulls desert the cliff top
Making their way inland to safety
Waiting patiently for the storm to stop

PERFECT PARADISE

The crystal waters
Wash gently onto
Virgin white sand
Untrod by man
Unspoiled by technology
And no vapour trails
Mark the azure sky

The trees untended
Lay where they fell
The coconuts un-harvested
But for the wind
Lay untouched also

They beach stretched
As far as the eye could see
Far into the distance
Un-marked and un-scarred
No buildings
No phone masts
No pylons
No wind farms
Or streetlights
The only sounds to be heard
Were the waves breaking,
The gentle breeze in the palms
And assorted birdcalls
No gunfire
No car alarms
No train whistles
No sonic booms
Or traffic
Just a perfect silence

No flotsam of plastics and tins
Littered the beach
Just endless white sand’s
And perfect blue skies
The rustles of palm fronds
And warm scented breezes
So where is this paradise?
It’s in the long distant past

KING GEORGE’S PARAKEETS

It was unbearably hot
Unbearably humid
Even breathing was exhausting
Overcome with fatigue
I parked my jeep at the roadside
In a shaded spot
I recline my seat
And pulled my hat over my eyes
And tried to grab forty
My shirt was soaked with sweat
And stuck to me and the seat
It was no good I couldn’t sleep
It was the constant noise
But not from the traffic
Rumbling by
It was the birds
Squabbling parakeets
Hundreds of them
Chattering and squawking
I gave up trying to nap
And got back underway
You come to expect this
Next to an Australian highway
But not parked in a lay-by
Next to a reservoir in Staines

IS IT YOU?

Is it you?
Are you the one?
Are you my missing puzzle piece?
That will make me whole
And complete the unfinished picture
Or will you be another square peg
In my round hole

Is it you?
Are you the one?
The special other half of me
If we touch will we bond together?
Seamlessly, our borders undefined
Or will we repel like opposite poles
Never to be joined

Is it you?
Are you the one?
The shadow of my soul
Will we fit like hand in tailored glove?
Or will you be like
That hand knitted Christmas gift
From a well meaning aunt

Is it you?
Are you the one?
My long lost soul mate
Will we wear each other?
Like comfortable shoes
Or some fashionable pair
That pinch and rub

Is it you?
Are you the one?
The one that’s made for me
Or don’t you exist
When our fingers touch
Will electricity pass between us?
Or will it just be a static shock
That makes us flinch

Is it you?
Are you the one?
The one I have always sought
Or is it that you don’t exist
And I have set my sights to high
My heart won’t let me believe that
So take my hand and we will try
Can you feel that?

YOU CAN LEARN A LOT FROM TV

Fed up of missing his favourite shows on TV
Young Ben wanted was his own telly
“Could I have a telly in my room dad”?
Reluctantly Dad said yes to the lad
Ben stayed in his room the first night
Next morning he gave his parents a fright
He asked his them “what is love juice?”
His mother left making some feeble excuse
Leaving his Dad to explain the basics
Of sexual intercourse and its mechanics
The boy sat in open mouthed amazement
Dad asked him after his embarrassment
“Exactly what program did you have on?”
The boy replied "I was watching Wimbledon"

AN ILL WIND

An elderly couple were in church
When about halfway through,
May leant over and whispered
In the ear of her husband lou,
'I just let out a silent fart
What do you think I should do?'
'I think you should put a new battery
In your hearing aid' Replied Lou

SUMMER STORM

A white cloud
Appears on the once
Clear blue afternoon sky
Like a careless splodge of white
On the blue canvas of an artist
It bubbles up
Then races across the blue
Another appears bigger this time
Then another and another
And as they move across the sky
They cast their shadows across the land
Patches of light and dark
Appear to move over the landscape
Like a giant kaleidoscope
One of the sunny patches
Illuminates the weeping cherry
Where the gold finches sing
Then there is more cloud than sky
The small white clouds
Have now bubbled up and darkened
And from the lake the Geese speak
To no one in particular
Saying that a storm is coming
In the distance the mountains
Stand out starkly
Against the ever darkening sky
The first sounds of thunder
Roll around the valley
Sounding like a distant train
Getting nearer and louder
Silent lightning streaks
Across the blackening clouds
Then a thunder clap
Not to be mistaken for a distant train
Large raindrops hit the ground
Dappling the dry earth
Strumming on the roof tops
And the tops of parked cars
In a reassuring rhythm
And as the last dry spot disappeared
The torrent began
Falling vertically like monsoon rains
Lightning streaks dazzled the eyes
And almost instant thunder shook the house
The waters of the lake
Erupted like a pot coming to the boil
And day was turned to night
Slowly the rain eased
And the storm rolled on
Blue coloured the skies again
The Geese spoke again from the lake
Gold finches sang once more
And the air was filled with the scent of wet pines

HIS PERFECT WOMAN

According to my brother
When chosing one over another
The perfect woman will be
Quite easy to find really
His perfect woman indeed
Would only actually need
To make his life complete
Two tits and a heartbeat

THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT A CELLIST

There's something about a cellist
That really turns me on
A female cellist obviously
In a low cut evening dress
Of emerald green velvet
The great polished instrument
Between her long black stockined legs
Her long brunette hair
Dancing across her naked shoulders
Brushing her alabaster skin
In frantic rhythm to her playing
As she delivers her rendition
To a largely disinterested audience
Sat in the lavish surroundings
Of a grand hotel lobby
A pale willowy figure called Deidre
Purposefully thrashing out a piece by Elgar
Or playing some uplifting Vivaldi
Maybe some Mesmeric Schubert
Or music to slash your wrists by
Courtesy of Mahler or Wagner
The music itself is unimportant
Ok its not cellists that turns me on
But there's something about Deidre
That definitely does
When she's playing the cello

THE NAKED TRUTH (1)

Mary stood naked before the bathroom mirror
And wiped the steam away so she could see clearer
Then her heart sank at what she could see
She said to her husband "I’m fat and I’m ugly”
“I look horrible; pay me a compliment" she sighed
"You have perfect eyesight" He replied

THE ROAD TO OBLIVION

As a school kid
It was cider first
Then as a student
Wine came second
Then as a worker
The vodka came third

But it doesn’t stop there
So have a care and beware

Out every night
Drinking trebles
Never slowing down
Even seeing double
They never slow down
Never have a single

But it doesn’t stop there
So have a care and beware

Before breakfast
One eye opener
Mid morning at the office
Two snifters in the loo
A liquid lunchtime
Three large ones do it

But it doesn’t stop there
So have a care and beware

The lost weekends
Come first
Then the tremours
Follow a close second
Cirrhosis of the liver
Takes its place in third

But it doesn’t stop there
So have a care and beware

I’m only a social drinker
The first denial
I can stop if I want too
The second denial
I’m in control of the drink
The third denial

But it doesn’t stop there
So have a care and beware

In a gutter covered in vomit
Not for the first time
Coming round in casualty
More than the second time
Surrounded by medics
No way back the third time

It stops there

A NOTIONAL MOTION

Toast always lands butter side down
It’s a rule of locomotion
And a cat always lands on its feet
Now here is a curious notion
If you tie the toast to the cat
Would that result in perpetual motion?

COMPLIMENTARY MEMBERSHIP

It was early morning
The sun was barely up
I knew because I saw it rise
I had lain in the darkness
Awake and aware for hours
Unable to sleep
Uneasy in my mind
Fearful of what maybe
Helpless in the face of events
Powerless to influence them
Just too far away
A continent away
Then I saw darkness slip into gloom
Then from gloom to glory
And in that glorious dawn light
I listened to world awaken
With all the sounds of first light
The chirruping birds
Of the dawn chorus
A milk float on its way
Clinking and rattling
Joe next door heading for work
Early turn this week
Then so I didn’t want to hear
The sound I was dreading
Beside me on the night stand
The telephone rang
A numbing fear gripped me
And for a moment I was frozen
Unable to move
Powerless to answer it
It’s never good news
Not at the crack of dawn
Good news always waits
Until a decent hour
When the telling of it can be savoured
And the listening appreciated
Good news was delivered with coffee
And consumed with tea
Good news did not come
With the breaking day and the dawn chorus
Only bad news came so early
Bad news never waited
There was no reason to wait
Bad news had no good time
It just had to be delivered
The phone rang again
And the fear released its grip on me
And I picked up the phone
The conversation was short
Its contents concise
It was the news I was expecting
Dreading, fearing
It was confirmed
I was now a member of the club
Sadly not an exclusive group
Quite indiscriminate in its selection
A club few wanted to join
But whose ranks are unshrinking
I had friends in the club
My wife was even a member
As was my boss
There was no shame in it
No social stigma
But I would have given anything
To have been excluded
To be denied admittance
To have my enrolment
Delayed for 10 or 20 years
Or even a few precious days
Just one short day, not even a whole day
Just a few hours over my travelling time
This is not an uncommon reaction
I am reliably informed
To resist membership
It’s not a club you want to join
After all no one chooses to join
The dead Dads club

CRASH LOCATION

On the M25 just beyond Dartford
She lost control of her car and crashed
Hitting the barrier with great force
Then came rest with the car smashed
It happened close to where she lived
She was nearly home, not far to go
But she sat trapped in her crumpled car
Covered in blood from head to toe
The paramedic attending the crash
Examined her as a matter of urgency
But apart from the blood covering her
He was at a loss to find any injury
“Where are you bleeding from?”
He asked the girl in the battered Ford
Slightly annoyed the girl responded
“I’m from bleeding Romford”

KNIGHTS OF THE ROAD

Mild mannered and the meek
Shy and too embarrassed to speak
No goose hears them say boo
They are hardly noticeable to you
Then they get into a car
And safe behind the wheel
They are transformed
Those once quiet and retiring
Calm and rational people
Are now fearless, bold and brave
Safe in their steel boxes
That they wear like armour
Quarantined from the world
In their metal machines
They make manifest into beasts from hell
They become possessed
Morphing into deranged sociopaths
From Mogwai to gremlin
Those once too shy to speak
The humble and the tame
Now bellow obscenities
Foul and nasty profanities
To all and sundry
Dispensing venomous rebukes
Like Georges dragon breathing fire
They drive like crazed charioteers
Set loose from the hippodrome
They cut you up
With last second maneuvers
Changing lanes, jumping lights
Leaving chaos in their wake
They sneer at authority
Swear and gesticulate
No one is safe from them
The old lady at the crossing
A group of school children
A priest or a nun
No one is safe from their wrath
Then safely at their destination
Parked in another’s space
They exit the car
And are meek once more

LIFE BEGINS

When my wife was pregnant
I was told I must be there
Smoking cigars with the lads
Was never on the cards I fear
I had never been fascinated
With childbirth I must declare
Waiting for the time for that bag
Of screaming giblets to appear
“I’m not going down the business end
I’ll just hold your hand dear”
But when you’re in the room
The event fills you with cheer
And when my son entered the world
I shed more than a little tear

I COULD NOT WEEP FOR HIM

I could not weep
When he was diagnosed
And I feared the worst
Or when the false smile appeared
And he feared it too
And put on a brave face

I could not weep
As I sat at his side
His hand once as strong as atlas
Now to weak to grip
Weak like a babe
More so

I could not weep
As I watched the frown
Furrowing his weathered face
Grey, expressionless
And as his frown faded,
As the morphine took control

I could not weep
As he lay motionless,
Breath shallow
Silent, almost
But for the occasional groan
Beneath the morphine

I could not weep
At his deathbed
As the monster within
Crept through his organs
Hastening the end
For him and for itself

I could not weep
As his muscles relaxed
And the pain was no more
As he exhaled his last
And his soul passed
When he was at peace

I could not weep
Not because it wasn’t macho
Nor for lack of love
It was perhaps numbness
Or a need to be strong
For family, others

I could not weep
When my father died
When he released his grip on life
And I kissed him goodbye
I felt only relief
That his suffering had ended

I could not weep
Not even at his funeral
When all who loved him gathered
And we shared memories
Even when the curtains drew
I could not weep for him

Fourteen years later
On a cold December morning
I held my first born son
And amidst the tears of joy
I wept for himAs I held his grandson

MY BROTHERS GIRLFRIEND

My brother has a new lady
She’s very nice but no beauty
Tall and slim with a nice figure
She definitely pulls his trigger
He is besotted with her sadly
And he dotes on her quite madly
He calls her his little hollyhock
While we all call her Bob Foc
As she has a Body Off Baywatch
And a Face Off Crimewatch

SUMMER SEASON

The summer started oh so well
With a Euro football banquet
Though sadly the home nations
Were unable to attend it
But the Euros inevitably led
To the curse of footie nations
The summer transfer market
And the incessant speculation
After the Euros came Wimbledon
And I cheered on the plucky brit
Then suffered our inclement climate
While being bored by the Cricket
I watched the windblown whingers
Hacking round at the British open
Then courtesy of the highlights
I sat and watched it all again
Then more newspaper talk
Of who will stay and who will go
Who is in and who is out
And more stories about Ronaldo
Two weeks away on the costas
Helped to numb the pain
Then home to more paper talk
And of course more summer rain
Even the upcoming Olympics
Fail to give me inspiration
Thinking of all that track and field
Merely deepens my depression
The only thing to break my torpor
And to rejuvenated my heart
Is to hear that shrill whistle blow
And have the football season start