Monday, 9 June 2008


Once upon a time in a land far away,
Long, long ago on a far distant day
There lived a beautiful princess
An independent, self-assured noblesse
She strolled the shores of the lake
On her beautifully green castle estate
Contemplating issues of this and that
Then came upon a frog as she sat
The frog hopped onto the girls knee
And said Oh beautiful Elegant Lady
I was once handsome and princely
Until an evil witch cast a spell on me
But Princess just one kiss from you
And you will break the spells hoodoo
I will again be handsome and princely
And then, my dearest, we can marry
We’ll live in your castle with my mother
My seven sisters and all my brothers
You can cook clean and do the laundry
And we can raise an enormous family
You will always be happy and grateful
And forever after you will be dutiful
All this with just one kiss from you
A future together for me and you
That night the princess dined in solitude
On the sumptuously prepared food
Smiling as she recalled the prince beg
As she ate the delicious sautéed frogs leg


Maria was asked by the teacher
To go to the map and find America
The girl walked to the map and pointed
“Here it is miss this is America”
“Well done, now class who can tell me
Who discovered America?”
Immediately a boys hand shot in the air
“That’s easy miss it was Maria”


If as a man you feel in life
You don’t provide your wife
With enough frustration to suit her
Then purchase her a home computer


Before computers took over the world
A virus was the flu, and a keyboard was a piano
A mouse pad was where a single mouse lived
And a CD was a bank account and a program was a TV show
The net was something you fished with
A monitor would report you to the teacher
An application was a form to be filled out
And Windows were opened to get fresh air
A hard drive was a long trip in the car
A web was a spider’s home, a cursor used profanity
Memory was something you lost with age
And if you had a 3 ½ inch floppy you’d tell nobody


The great thing about being a man
Is you can have the same hairstyle for years
And waking in the morning with a mustache
Doesn’t make you burst into tears
But perhaps the best thing of all
You only have to shave your facial hairs


One night
Bimbette asked her friend
"Which do you think is farther
Florida or the moon?"
Peaches replied
"Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?"


You were once a good boy
Mummy’s pride and joy
Then you grew into a nice kid
Because of the things you did
Then you progressed to be a great guy
It just happened you don’t know why
Then you arrived and were a fine man
Just in time for your retirement plan
And if only that was the end of it
But no you grew into an old git


Three old friends walking from
The old folks retirement home
"Windy, isn't it?" said Harry
"No, it's Thursday!" said Larry
Then Barry said with a cheer
"So am I let's get a beer"


A woman knows all about her children
She knows their likes and dislikes,
Who their friends are and who they fancy
There illness’s, ailments and allergies

She knows the dates of all their matches
Drop off and pick up, Home and away
She knows about appointments for hospital
As well as Doctor, optical and dental

She know about their favourite foods
And the things that make them sick
She know what scares them and why
And what makes them laugh and cry

She knows all about their hopes and dreams
And what they may look for in a spouse
While a man on the other hand, is vaguely aware
Of some short people living in the house


“What is the chemical formula for water?”
The science teacher said to young Joe
Joe confidently stood up and replied
H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O,
“That’s not even close” the teacher shouted
Joe said “Last week you said it was H to O”


Discrimination is abhorrent
To everyone in this nation
So why is it common practice?
To have positive discrimination

Two wrongs don’t make a right
Was something I learned as a lad
Discrimination is wrong
There is no good and bad

Discriminating positively
Is in no way the right answer
After all it’s like suggesting
There is good and bad cancer


Liberals believe in freedom of speech
They support it on pain of death
And they will defend this principle
With their final dying breath

It’s the corner stone of liberalism
It’s the doctrine that they teach
However it most definitely helps
If you sing from their hymn sheet


What mugs we all are in the UK
With the amount of tax we have to pay
We’re taxed on what we earn at work
We’re taxed on every little perk
Then when we spend our pay
They take some purchase tax away
Very little is exempt from VAT
It’s even on a cup of tea
Even coffee and juices fruity
If you smoke you pay tobacco duty
Then the unkindest tax of all
Duty on every form of alcohol
If you can afford a new car today
There is an even greater price to pay
With seventeen and a half percent more owed
Then you’re taxed to keep it on the road
And you pay Tax on your fuel at the garage
Then in the city there’s the congestion charge
Then there’s a new tax to be faced
Parking the car at your workplace
You’re taxed for the policeman on the beat
And for the lighting in the street
Then Airport taxes for our holidays
We’re even taxed for what we throw away
If we buy or sell a house today
There’s not one tax but a whole array
We’re even taxed on the money we save
We’re taxed from the cradle to the grave


I’m taxed on what I earn
By the government knave
I’m taxed on what I spend
I’m taxed on what I save
And every penny in between
I’m taxed from cradle to the grave


Humanists and atheists
Refute God’s existence
But in all honesty
They mount a futile resistance
Because for all their vehement
Creation of fuss
The great lord God
Believes in them as well as us


We stood on a hill top high
With the golden sun up in the sky
We bathed in each others company
And the time passed idly by

Below us stood the village mill
Wheel turned by the silver water
While on the hill a young man stood
Kissing the Miller’s daughter

And as we stood upon that hill
Beneath that glorious summer sun
My heart was lost to her forever
But for the girl it was only fun

So there would be no love affair
No reciprocation of desire
She was just a pretty butterfly
Flitting from flower to flower


My sister in law Mary though twenty three
Suffered from a kind of delinquency
She always caused her poor Mum a fuss
And then she had to come to live with us
For weeks she made our life a hell
And managed to scare the cat as well
Then one night when my wife was out
Mary suddenly began to scream and shout
The things she said were quite obscene
And I told her how unpleasant she was being
Finally my patience with her was finished
And I decided that she must be punished
I grabbed her and bent her across my knee
And smacked her arse one, two, three,
She laughed and said “that didn’t hurt”
So I held her tight and pulled up her skirt
I held her tight bent across my knee
And smacked her arse one, two, three,
“My Mum’s smacks were harder than yours”
So I held her tight and pulled down her drawers
I held her still bent across my knee
And smacked her bare arse one, two, three,
She said nothing and just murmured a sigh
Mary was enjoying this as much as I
I told her what a naughty girl she had beenAnd she was the naughtiest girl I’d ever seen
And held her gently bent across my knee
And smacked her bare arse one, two, three,
She squirmed and wriggled on my knee
Feeling my hard cock against her belly
I looked down at her round full cheeks
Round and white now with red streaks
Red where I had spanked her bare flesh
Where I would gladly spank Mary afresh
I gently caressed her round full cheeks
My fingers stroking the vivid red streaks
And I watched her laying across me there
As my hands traced the fullness of her
From her cheeks to the top of her thigh
Then she squirmed and let out another sigh
I had decided what I was going to do
And I knew that she wanted me to
As my fingers explored her inner thigh
She tensed and let out an involuntary cry
I felt her course hairs on my finger tips
Then left her lush bush to find her lips
My fingers parted her labia and she moaned
My forefinger entered and she groaned
I explored her creamy wetness eagerly
And worked at her hot pussy rhythmically
Each stroke brought another moan from her
And rubbing her clit brought yet another
Faster and faster and I felt her body spasm
As I brought her quickly to an orgasm
She purred like a cat as she lay across my lap
Then my cock twitched and gave her belly a tap
She climbed off my lap without looking at me
And bent over the coffee table invitingly
I looked at her pussy inviting me to enter
I got out my cock and knelt down behind her
My hands slid from her buttocks up to her hips
And my swollen throbbing cock parted her lips
Mary was wet and warm and welcomed me in
And she moaned loudly as I broke her hymen
I thrust deep into her still holding her hips
Then as I got going I fondled her tits
Soon her body shuddered in her orgasm
And she moaned as she felt my cock spasm
When I withdrew from her tight pussy
She sighed then turned to look at me
She pulled herself up then turned round
And sat on the table and looked at the ground
I stood up before her with a semi erection
And pulled her head toward its direction
Her mouth enveloped my cock readily
And she went about my shaft eagerly
With the rhythm building to a crescendo
I was getting close to shooting my load
Before I came in her mouth I withdrew
She would suck me dry another day I knew
I stepped back and told her to undress
She did so effortlessly and with finesse
When she stood before me with all to see
I let go of my cock and made her undress me
When we were both naked we caressed
And for the very first time we kissed
Then employing the coffee table again
I lay her on her back to mount a new campaign
I fingered her Minge a little to lubricate
Then knelt at the tables end to penetrate
She eagerly accepted my cock once more
As I thrust into the cunt of my sister in law
I squeezed her arse and fondled her breasts
And I humped and pumped her on her nest
Then her body shuddered in her orgasm
And she moaned as she felt my cock spasm
I drew out my shaft from its wet sheath
And stood to look down at her body beneath
From her full breasts to her triangle of sable
And thought I never liked that coffee table
I would never view it in quite the same way
After what I did to Mary on it that day
After I had spanked her and wanked her
And had debagged her and shagged her
Before I had her undressed and caressed her
Where I was sucked by her before I fucked her
My sister in law Mary though twenty three
No longer suffers from a kind of delinquency
However her behavior leaves me unimpressed
And I still tell her that she is the naughtiest
And that she only has her self to thank
So she pulls down her knickers to get a spank


Don’t you just love them?
If only for their belief in equality
Or a love of all things PC
And an unswerving moral certainty
It’s a shame that to become a liberal
A sense of humour bypass is necessary


The liberal minded
Like a parade
They like to march
They like to engage

Beat the drum
To end the war
They’ll tell you
That’s what freedoms for

Ban the bomb
Free Tibet
No more Trident
End third world debt

March in the city
For gay pride
And every liberal
Is on your side

If you’re so inclined
Join the throng
March in unison
And sing the liberal song

But bang the drum
And blow the horn
For patriotism
And feel their scorn


Melisa with the gaping blouse
With fabric formed tight
Around her unfettered breasts
Her aroused nipples
Standing proud
Like sentinels
She walked slowly toward me
Breasts bouncing
Sensuously with every step
Rising and falling
Attracting every eye

Melisa with the gaping blouse
Was closer to me now
The crisp white cotton
Of her blouse disappeared
Into the waistband of her skirt
A tight grey skirt
As she walked closer
I could hear the rustle of her clothes
Her blouse
Her skirt
Her stockings
I hoped they were stockings

Melisa with the gaping blouse
Flicked her eyes
In my direction
Holding my gaze
For only a moment
In a knowing glance
As good as a promise
Then walked past me
I turned to see her
Walking slowly away
Her stilettos clicking
Her hips swinging
To and fro
And her Buttocks
Forming and reforming
With every step

Melisa with the gaping blouse
Beat out a sexual rhythm
A sensual rhythm
A primeval rhythm
Making my pulse race
And my loins ache
And I followed her
Matching her rhythm
My temples throbbed
As blood rushed elsewhere
In a perfect rhythm
Engorging me
As she reached her door
She turned to me smiling
And proffered her hand
Gratefully I took it
Then she led me to paradise


All tits and dimples in a Short skirt
Braless and bubbly and ready to flirt
I first noticed her as I was playing pool
With her legs crossed to make men drool
Looks can be deceptive I would agree
But she looked like a working girl to me
Everything on display in the window
I put down the pool cue and said hello
There was no doubt at all she was “easy”
And I knew she was offering it to me
She wasn’t wearing much to undress
But I’d seen enough to want to see the rest
However would I have to pay to see?
Or would I be getting it for free


Britain’s got talent
Of that there’s no doubt
Britain’s got talent
The secret is finally out

Britain’s got talent
In depth and variety
Britain’s got talent
For every one to see

But apart from talent shows
And the Royal Variety
There is no outlet
For these acts on TV

Where it not for Blackpool
And Lakeside in Frimley
There would be no outlet at all
For our wonderful variety

So Simon Cowell
Master of the TV franchise
Give us more variety on TV
As a feast for our eyes

Britain has got talent
An unseen depth of it
But it doesn’t matter
If we never get to see it


Why is it sound engineers?
When there’s a gig to do
And they have to test the system
Say one two, one two, one two
And at the end of the gig
When there’s packing up to do
They don’t have any testing
But they’re nowhere in view
I think sound engineers
Can only count up to two
Because if they counted up to three
There would be heavy lifting to do